Saying goodbye

[MamaBoo]

I have tried to write this message a few times. It is hard, and it is complicated. I found out at 20 weeks that there was something "wrong" with my pregnancy. The anatomy scan was unusual. They saw something abnormal. I was sent to a high risk ob, and they did another u/s. They found that I had identical twins. However, the umbilical cord of one twin was not formed correctly. Therefore, the twin did not develope properly. He was still growing but not viable. He had no heart, lungs or cranial structure. However, he was causing stress for the developed baby's (Denver) heart. Denver was having to pump for both of them, and his twin was bigger than he was! Denver was given a 10% chance of survival if we did not have RFA to cut off the blood supply from him to his twin. There was no other choice to save Denver but do it. We did do it, and he was born healthy at 39 weeks. The twin, no longer receiving a blood supply, had fetal demise at 21 weeks, when the procedure was done. I know the twin was not viable. There was no chance of his living since the embryo split. He never had a chance! I know it was no one's fault & nothing could have been done to stop this from happening or to fix it once it happened. I know we made the right decision to save Denver. However, I feel such a sense of loss and even a little guilt. I also feel jealous when I hear twin mommas talking about there babies. That makes me feel like a bad person. I never did like jealous people. However, since this whole infertility thing started, I have been so jealous. First, over people who had children when I could not. Now, over twins! This was my second twin pregnancy that ended in a singleton. I am also afraid my two beautiful sons will think that they were not enough for me. They are everything I could ask for! I just wish my others could have made it too. I grieve for Denver's little twin. I believe he should be remembered too. It is so complicated....I am very happy to be blessed with my little miracles, but I grieve the loss of their twins too.

[Sunshine1576]

Mamaboo,
I really don't think we ever need to say goodbye because they're forever in our hearts, and people say it gets easier over time, and I don't agree with that either. It's a tough loss and even my personal miscarriage is hard to compare this too so I shouldn't go into that. There are going to be days ahead that we wonder what could of been... But you must focus on the greatest gifts that are right in front of you and try to accept everything the very best you can. You say your jealous of twins out there, but stop for a moment and think about the number of good friends you know who don't even have LOs yet, maybe some of them often wonder if they will get even a chance to become a mom? Looking at it this way should help you realize the blessings you have right here. Besides, it's not fair to the boys and maybe even if you had twins this time, the first son may grow up wondering about his own twin, it wouldn't of been equal and fair either way? Maybe I'm being cynical, but I'm trying to be realistic though... Nobody ever said it's fair, but we must eventually learn to accept everything the way they happen on order to find peace. I have found myself praying for God to help me to learn to accept life the way it is, I know it's not easy but it helps me come to realize there's always going to be someone out there with a rougher life then mine. x

[MamaBoo]

Please, do not misunderstand me. I know that I am truly blessed to have these two wonderful boys. I have known the fear that I may never be able to have children. I have never been a jealous person, but turned into one during this whole struggle with infertility. I avoided my family for years because my older sister, younger sisters, and cousin were pregnant and having newborns and I couldn't cope. I am in awe of people like Leoria. I do not know how she does it, I couldn't. I am also very sympathetic to those who still have not had their miracles yet. I keep tabs on you, Leoria & Anton. I am sending you good thoughts hoping for your miracle.

However, so many people look at Denver's twin as a problem that had to be overcome, not a baby that did not have a chance at his life. That bothers me. Even my in-laws discount him as anything but a medical problem. It hurts. I love him. He and my other son's twin deserve better than "oh well, you got another one" or "things turned out for the best". They did for my living sons, but not for the ones who didn't make it. It is complicated emotionally to be rejoicing the one who lived while mourning the one who didn't. I think that the little ones who didn't make it deserve to remembered and mourned, and that is what my post was about.

[tuffy4u]

MamaBoo, you are showing your love for your lost twins by remembering them and honoring them as real children in your life. I've often heard people dismiss miscariages as not viable pregnancies- this doesn't mean it wasn't a child. I too am blessed with children and I know the struggles of infertility (not like some on these boards), it doesn't mean you can't grieve for the ones your lost while enjoying the ones that are still with you. I know for some friends with lost infants it helps to name and remember the children, for others they choose to try and forgot; everyone is different. When your son gets older he will probably appreciate hearing about how much your loved his twin, I know I would if it was my twin. Good luck with your journey and congratulations on your sons!

[trying4second]

Hi MamaBoo.

Just wanted to chime in and say I totally get it.

I am blessed with a DD who is just over 2. I carried a twin with her to 14 weeks (in addition to having had two miscarriages before that). She is the biggest blessing and I am grateful for her every day, but I still do feel the loss of her twin and often wonder. My husband gets angry if I even mention it and goes on and on about how blessed we are. I know we are blessed, but it is still OK to acknowledge the loss.

I do feel like it is my loss - not hers - and I do not want to impose it on her or make her feel like she "lost a sibling" (having lost my sister when she was 28 five years ago, I would never want to impose that pain on her and I recognize that my experience makes the loss of this twin even harder).

There is a website with great resources for pregnancy-infant loss called Compassionate Friends. They have a chat room Sunday nights that you might want to look at. Also, look at the book Empty Cradle, Broken Heart.

I am so sorry for your pain and your loss.

[Sunshine1576]

Please, do not misunderstand me. I know that I am truly blessed to have these two wonderful boys. I have known the fear that I may never be able to have children. I have never been a jealous person, but turned into one during this whole struggle with infertility. I avoided my family for years because my older sister, younger sisters, and cousin were pregnant and having newborns and I couldn't cope. I am in awe of people like Leoria. I do not know how she does it, I couldn't. I am also very sympathetic to those who still have not had their miracles yet. I keep tabs on you, Leoria & Anton. I am sending you good thoughts hoping for your miracle.

However, so many people look at Denver's twin as a problem that had to be overcome, not a baby that did not have a chance at his life. That bothers me. Even my in-laws discount him as anything but a medical problem. It hurts. I love him. He and my other son's twin deserve better than "oh well, you got another one" or "things turned out for the best". They did for my living sons, but not for the ones who didn't make it. It is complicated emotionally to be rejoicing the one who lived while mourning the one who didn't. I think that the little ones who didn't make it deserve to remembered and mourned, and that is what my post was about.

I know looking at this breaks your heart and as a mother it is natural to mourn over our losses. We are here too, but maybe like someone else mentioned a support group (who has gone through this exact thing) would help you cope with your loss. I probably have already put my foot in my mouth and said too much already...but I honestly do care and will listen. Your son is something you will always hold to your heart, and you may need to find a way to celebrate the time he was here in your life. Maybe planting a rose garden in memory of him, or having a gold ring monogramed with your twin's name inside? I'm also wondering if maybe this happening to you twice, might be something more deeper and you're needing to find a counselor/personal therapist. I know you mentioned the jealousy factor, but maybe you still have regrets bottled up from years ago and these feelings are resurfacing? You did absolutely nothing wrong, so please don't beat yourself up. This is not your fault and nothing can be further from the truth that you deserve to be happy and able to find some inner-peace although nobody ever said that finding that is easy, it's going to take some effort but your family of friends understand how precious life is. It's ok to mourn and grieve all you need, but at the same time your family needs you right now more then you'll ever know. x