please help

[SueQiwi]

I know a bunch of you and did not want to pop on here with depressing news so have stayed away but now I need your help. I am so sad and confused and don't know what to do and you are the only people who understand.

I am currently 42, but about to turn 43 next week. I got pregnant with my DD at age 39 on my third round of IVF and gave birth at 40. We love her so much and desperately want to give her a sibling.

So we jumped back on the IVF rollercoaster and I fell pregnant again on the third round of IVF this January. We were over the moon and even saw the heartbeat at 7.5 weeks. I went back for my 10.5 week apt and the baby had died--no heartbeat. Absolutely devastated. I can't even type this without crying all over again. I had a D&C about a month ago.

Well now I just don't know what to do. Being so close to our dream has made me want another baby even more! But I promised myself I would cut off the fertility treatments and craziness when I turned 43, which is next week. The odds are so poor for my age and I did not want to take up my daughter's young life with this mess. But I just feel so sad about the baby we lost and am haunted wanting my girl to have a little brother or sister. But I honestly don't want to waste any more time or money on just another heartbreak.

I'd appreciate any advice.

[leorira11]

oh Sue. I'm so sorry. I was so happy when you found out you were pregnant earlier this year. This is just such awful news.

I'm not too well versed in age related things, but I know there are some 42+ moms here, maybe they can help.

Have you considered donor eggs? I know that's a huge thing to wrap your head around, but it might be a way to add to your family. Hopefully some of the DE moms will chime in here.

[LYD10]

Sue, I am so sorry! Maybe you can try it one more time with a mix of your own and donor eggs?

[Happy Bunny]

Don't feel pressured by your previous choice not to go again... Feelings change. I agree with previous responders, that donor egg would give you the best chance but even with your own egg, you still have a chance. Do what you need to do to move forward.

My heart aches for you. Don't ever feel bad about sharing your feelings here, we're always here for you - good or bad.

[amanda1979]

Sue- My heart is breaking for you. The IVF rollar coaster is so hard. I agree with the other ladies. Maybe check into doing a split cycle with your eggs and a donor. I am 32 & my eggs are on the crappy side. I didn't want to give up my eggs completely so we did a spilt with a donor and my eggs. Saturday we transferred 3 embryos 2 of mine and 1 donor. now we are in the horrible 2ww. Just wanted to share what we did & I am sending you some serious cycber healing prayers.

[to_have_fun08]

Sue - I am so sorry. i know its hard to give up. What are you willing to do? If genetics aren't an issue could you try donor embies or donor eggs. I know you could try again with your eggs but with your age it won't be a walk in the park and donor eggs/embies would better your chances if you want a baby asap. What does your hubby think? I don't have much guidance but please know that we are always here for you.

[Ninde]

Sue, Im So so sorry, your heart must be breaking. Im with happy bunny, dont be bound by your previous decisions if you want to go and try ivf again. Can your doctor shed any light for you? If you decide to go donor can you also take a little time to heal, you have had a huge trauma.

Ninde

[kerpupples]

I agree with Happy Bunny and Ninde. I'm so, so sorry to read this Sue. FWIW, I have a previous colleague who got pregnant with her now 4 year old son at 43. I had a miscarriage at age 35 and my eggs are perfect. There are so many factors that come into play. Given that this is your only miscarriage (is that correct?) I don't think you necessarily have to give up on your own eggs yet, but your doctor can give you better guidance in that regard.

The amount of time you need to heal from this is also something to consider.

[margi26]

Sue: I am so sorry for your loss. It is always so painful. I just wanted to give you some encouragement with the "age" factor. Yes, it certainly does exist. Clearly egg quality deteriorates and genetic risks rise. However, if it is your dream to have another baby I say make sure you are as healthy as you can and either proceed with your eggs or as others have suggested, consider DE or a mix, like Amanda did. I am proof that it *CAN* work for an "older gal" with her own eggs. I was 43 when I got pregnant with my twins and was 44 when I delivered them. The pregnancy wasn't easy for me, but they are both healthy as can be and I feel so blessed to have them.

Again, so sorry for your pain. Sending positive energy, hugs and hope!!!

[SueQiwi]

Thank you so much for all the thoughtful advice. I really appreciate it. My birthday was yesterday and I am feeling blue. Even though I set that as my cut-off date, I really don't feel like I am done.

But honestly, I can't even imagine walking back into the fertility clinic again--it just makes me ill. I was so happy to walk out of there for the last time with my pregnant belly. I thought I would never be back--i felt so lucky and happy. I really dont want to go through all the misery again--but I still want my baby! My DH says we should at least meet with the Dr and see what he recommends.

My period has returned and we have been trying naturally. But fat chance of that working--we've been together 10 years and never used birth control and only been pregnant the two times by IVF. (Kerpuppies--this was my first and only miscarriage)

Amanda--congrats on your BFP! And Leorira--I've got everything crossed for you! Margi--you are definitley an inspiration for us over 40s. And thank you again to all you wonderful women for writing back and trying to help me.

[to_have_fun08]

Sue - Your heart knows what you want. Go back to the RE see what they have to say. I know its hard walking back into those clinics. I had to put my tail between my legs and walk back into my current clinic after leaving it for another one. It is hard and we are all here for you to vent. Sending lots of ((HUGS)) Hope you had a good Birthday.

[leorira11]

Sue - I actually SWITCHED clinics, because my last one had way too many painful memories. My BP would spike just pulling into the parking lot there!

Happy Belated Birthday!

[to_have_fun08]

I have been to 3 IVF clinics and I feel animosity when i drive past all 3. just brings up bad feeling. Even with the clinic that I got my BFP, i still do not like that place.

[margi26]

Sue: Happy Belated Birthday! I don't know what your options are in where you can go, but I wanted to second Leora's suggestion of switching clinics--if it is possible. I went to 4 clinics in 4 years in order to get our "California Babies". The first clinic--I had horrible OHSS and literally had PTSD as a result. Even though our RE was very nice, I couldn't walk in the doors after all I went through. The second place the nurse was really MEAN. It was the weirdest thing. I kept making excuses for her (must have had a bad day, etc) but when she was really unkind during my m/c and chastized me for contacting my OB during it, I gave her the boot. The third place was my only other option in town. I did 3 rounds of IUI with them. They were very nice, I had a good relationship with the RE, but their lab wasn't top of the line and their results for over 40 were abismal. SO, when we realized our insurance cap was lifted and we could do IVF again--I decided to take out the stops and looked nationwide for the best clinic for OVER 40s, that also took our insurance. I also did what I could to take supplements and make minor adjustments to my diet, and worked with an acupuncturist.

Sorry to go on about my situation, but I know when I was in a bad spot and trying to make decisions, it helped to know what others had done.

I think your DH is right and you should meet with either your RE or another one (if that is an option).

Again, best of luck. Use this site to its fullest!!! There are so many compassionate, smart, strong women here. I know that I wouldn't have my two miracles with me if it weren't for the support I received here.

((HUG)) and lots of baby dust to you!

[SueQiwi]

Hiya Guys~
Thank you so much for all the good advice. I wish I could switch clinics and start fresh. But New Zealand is a small country and we only have ONE clinic! lol. There are 3 different locations in 3 different cities, but it is all Fertility Associates. I'd have to fly to get to another office--and I'm not sure they would let me switch.

I still haven't gotten the guts to make an appointment. My husband says we need to get their advice before we can even form a plan. I did start taking DHEA and CoQ10 and was thinking about going back to my accupuncturist for some herbs. I just wanted to be free of all this--the supplements, all the appointments, worrying about every cup of coffee!

I am still feeling so blue--was thinking about seeing a counselor. I feel like I am trapped in the infertility cage and there is nothing to look forward to. But I know that is ridiculous as I have my beautiful daughter and wonderful husband.