The end of a long journey xxx

[Sara30]

Hi,

I have not posted on here for a long time although I still look occasionally. We are finally having our adoption ceremony for our daughter next week and it got me to thinking about my IVF Journey and I wrote some words about it I wanted to share, it ends with a couple of poems I wrote which I have previously posted but I wanted to post them again. I am going to be reading this out on stage infront of an audience, I feel strongly that I want to do it,but I am not sure if I am brave enough to......

Here goes,

A Social Taboo

Infertility and miscarriage what terrible words they are, what terrific pain they bring to thousands of women around the world, pain that cannot be put into words. Yet when you are travelling that road you think you are the only one, you hide your grief and distress inside, silently, alone.

As people get to know what you are going through, especially if you have a husband like mine who finds it easier to share his pain with others, you become this person to avoid. ‘What can I say to that poor woman, I’ve never known anyone go through that before, better I stay away in case I say the wrong thing?’ So, you, the person who is grieving become the one who comforts others, ‘it’s ok’ I say, ‘don’t worry’, give them a hug and send them on their way. Funny that, but it’s not funny.

The infertile, childless woman becomes a social pariah, ‘better not invite her today, there’s going to be lots of children here,’ the room falls silent as you walk in and suddenly people stop talking about their children in front of you although I must admit at times that was a blessed relief.
You really find out who your friends are and I would like to thank my friends for seeing me through, the ones who still invited me even though there would be lots of children there, leaving the choice to me whether I stayed or left, the friends who swiftly and sensitively changed the subject when the room fell silent and the friends who still shared their children’s lives with me; they who they know who they are.

I didn’t know if I could do this today, talk about something so painful and personal, but I do know we brush infertility under the carpet and if women like me who live with infertility can’t talk about it who will?
Some of us choose not to have children; some of us like me have the choice taken away from us and some of us are lucky enough to hold our baby in our arms, our one thing in common is that we are all women.

Women, I have decided, are like oceans, sometimes still and calm, sometimes crashing and twirling like the waves, sometimes we go backwards and forwards like the tides. But underneath we all have hidden depths and reserves of strength that only we know are there. Sometimes it takes terrible experiences to find that hidden strength.

I would like to take a moment to think about the thousands of women who have been through IVF or have lived with miscarriages, we don’t all get to have our miracle baby. I would like to celebrate the lives of those children who were never born, and the lives of those children so desperately wanted who were never even conceived. There is no grave to mark their life, there is no memoriam to grieve over, we grieve for those children in our hearts. Just because they were never born doesn’t mean they never existed and I would like to acknowledge that.

When I finished my IVF journey I wrote two poems for my angels, I would like to read them to you. The first one is called Why Me?

Why me, why me you have forsaken,
Why me, why me oh God above,
Why me, why me, another baby taken,
Why me, why me you have my love,

You have my angels there with you,
I had my angel here with me,
You have my angel’s one and two,
Now you have my angels three

The pain inside cannot be spoken,
The tears I shed of silent sorrow,
My spirit however will not be broken,
There is always hope on the morrow,

Look after my babies for they are precious to me,
Watch them play, grow, be happy and free,
It’s your job now not ours to be,
Their mother, their father please love them dearly,

Take the time my darlings once in a while,
To look down on me and see me smile,
Please know when you do right from the start,
I am thinking of you with love in my heart.

The second poem is called I See You Everywhere and it goes like this,

I See You Everywhere

I see you in the twinkling stars,
I see you in the rainbow bright,
I see you in the desert sands,
I see you everywhere my child,

I see you in the trickling brook,
I see you in the moon at night,
I see you in the dew and mist,
I see you everywhere my child,

I see you in the storms and thunder,
I see you in the sunset light,
I see you in jack frosts ice,
I see you everywhere,

I see you in the beauty and the wonder,
For that is what you would have been,
I see you in my mind’s eye only,
For that is where you are for me.

I am a survivor of infertility and I cherish my life, every minute.
I am a mum.
I am foster mum to many, step mum to two, adopted mum to one and mum to my three angel babies in heaven.

Thank you for listening.

[Ninde]

Sara, im not sure if you check back in but I wanted to thank you for your beautiful post. Im sure it wasnt easy to write but thank you for it and for sharing your poems.

I wish you joy with your family and blessi gs to that new little beautiful girl of yours.

With kind regards


Ninde

[Kitty23]

Sara, I love your post. It's all so true... especially love the part about the strength you find in this journey...this experience of being a woman that can't just get drunk and have sex with their mate and have a beautiful child. Even after the iVF shots...that I never thought I could give myself...that I gave myself hundreds of times....I thought WOW...I can do anything if I can do this. Then I buried my miscarried baby in my yard with my husband and a little ceremony...then too I said if I can do this..I can do anything. The what doesn't kill you makes you stronger quote is so true... However, unfun the road can be...it's a road where we learn so much. I am still in the trying to be hopeful mode after 6 transfers and more planned and no babies in my arms..., but it's so true...that there is a grieving process to not be able to have your own biological child...especially after all of the trying. I have one more try after this...then am moving to surrogacy as the next step...then maybe adoption. However, I believe that just because our stories are not the norm...they are also beautiful...they are also meaninful...but in a unique way. I'm sure you are a wonderful mother! Going through this process makes you cherish children even more. I wish you all the best and thank you for expressing your thoughts and posting them. May you have a life filled with love and laughter. Love, Kitty