Surrogacy for a friend?

[Laititi]

Hello, ..this will be a long one

This thread seems to be the least active one - but I still hope there are some nice people out there willing to give me comments.

My childhood friend and her husband have been trying for 2 - 3 yrs now and now I'm wondering if I should offer to help them by being a surrogate. But I have so many things to consider before I do - the last thing I would wanna do is to make them hopeful and then withdraw my offer.

My story: First of all you need to know that I have never carried a child before and I don't have a boyfriend. I am 27 years old and a happy, healthy young woman. I have for a long time been fascinated by pregnancy, this special wonder of the body. How an embryo becomes a fetus and grows into a baby. How the women's body can adjust to the changes by expanding here and squishing there, and finally how natural and true and sincere the act of giving birth is. As fascinated as I am about being pregnant - I'm not as much interested in having a baby my self. A big part of that might be that I don't have a partner to share that longing.

I would get to experience the wonders of pregnancy without having to have a baby until I'm ready for it myself and my dear friends would get the baby they have been longing for for so long. The way I see it, is that When I have a partner or a family, I would be involving their lives and feelings and time and opinions into this too. Isn't it better to do this now, while I'm young and ready to do this for my friend, than when I have a family on my own to take care of?

How important is it that your first pregnancy is with your own child? I didn't loose my virginity to my future partner and I don't recent that. Guess it's not nearly as emotional as a child birth. And just like I like a relationship to be "clean and pure" - should my baby carrying story not also be "pure"? Won't I want to go through this all for the first time with my future partner?

Keeping a baby vs. Giving a baby. I'm a little bit afraid that this whole thing will feel like cheating. I carry the baby and later - every time they see me, the mother will think of how she "wasn't enough" and that I have that experience with the baby that she'll never have. When I come to their house - will I have a special bond with the baby, a secret bond, maybe the baby won't even share it with me. Wouldn't it be lonely? ...or like cheating.

Will it be for her like I had "a thing" with a member of her family. What I'm trying to say is; will the feeling be the same (I know it won't be the same - but a negative feeling in the same direction) if I have "a thing" with her baby as if I'd have "a thing" with her husband. Even though it was all through her and she was there through it all?

How will this affect my relationship with my future kids/teenagers - How would you feel if you knew your mother didn't mind carrying other ppl's babies before you? ...hahaha - obviously I'm an only child But seriously - put other babies first, like they are more important.

Sometime's, with special people, usually when they come into my life for a short period of time, I get the feeling that I'm in their lives for a certain purpose. I remember a boyfriend that I didn't mind breaking up with because I knew I had done my job, helping him out with a personal issue. A friend that I don't speak to anymore, but I held above water for a while, just until she reached dry land again. I don't miss her because I knew my place in her life. You might call me crazy but I kinda get the same feeling now. But not like I'm in their lives to help them, but they're in my life so I can help them. I won't be able to do anything more fulfilling than giving someone the gift of life. ...but what then.. what happens the day after? No need for me in life anymore? ...yes - I told you, it's crazy - but I can't help what I think.

So:

Am I insulting them by offering? Will it sound like I think they should give up?
(But I don't wanna do it "too late")

Should I wait until I have had my own child and know exactly what It means to give birth?

I'm so terrified of needles and shots, I can't tell my friend- "I'll carry your child ...but only when I stop being afraid of needles."
What can I do, and how much "needle action" will there be, being the one to carry?

And what do you think of my "before/after having my own family" thoughts?

How important is it that your first pregnancy is with your own child?


Only as high as I reach can I grow,
only as far as I seek can I go,
only as deep as I look can I see,
only as much as I dream can I be.

Karen Ravn

With a hope that someone bothers to read through all this
-and hopefully comment.

Laititi

[Heidi67]

Hi Laititi,
When our cycle failed earlier this month my best friend offered to carry for me ( we have 1 frostie). We've been friends for over 25 years and while we really appreciated her offer we had to refuse, because I wouldn't want to risk our friendship. WHat if it didn't work, how would she feel, how would we feel? What about the finiancial costs of being prego? Mat leave etc... She already has 3 childern so I wasn't concerned about how she'd react to being pregnant, no matter how DH and I have our family I know she'll love them and mother them the same way I treat her girls.
Not everyone who has a child feels like a mother to that child, that's something only you can know about yourself. If you're friendship is close I'm sure your friend will feel blessed that you care enough to offer surrogacy.

[Stephanieford78]

Hello!

I thought I would respond to this. I have been reading a lot about this over the last few years. I notice that agencies will not accept a woman who hasn't had at least one child that she is raising herself. This is for psychological reasons. You have never been a mother. What if the experience connects you too much to the baby and then time comes for you to give it up. It is a miracle what we go through as mothers. Your body and mind will be going through all those instincts yet have to give it up at the end. Not an easy thing to do unless you have been there with your own and in most cases, know that you are complete with your family. I looked into this years ago when my husband and I were looking to complete our family. We needed IVF to do that but funds were not available. The possibility of surrogacy came up as a way to pay for it. However, this meant carrying someone else's baby first. Although I was willing (I have had children from a previous marriage) he wasn't willing. He wanted me to carry his child before thinking about carrying someone else's. What happens if just after signing up for this for your friend, you find someone. (The movie The Back up Plan is a good example) Sometimes things don't have good timing. You will have to explain what you are doing and though very noble, it can be too much for a man to accept and he might not stick around. Your friend is very lucky to have you to even think about doing such a wonderful thing for her, but you have to think of your well being as well. You have to know that you will come out of this fine in the end. You don't want it to ruin your friendship or cause any issues for you financially, physically or mentally. What happens if the pregnancy has complications and you can't have any more children? Can you live with that? There are so many things to think of here. I know my reply might be late, but I hope it finds you. Good luck to you and your friend!

[woodyanita]

Normally a surrogate is preferred with her own child through normal pregnancy. You are already 27 and still has not even started your family. If at all you want to be pregnant you should plan it out and think for yourself. Fertility in women begins to slowly decline in the late 20s, beginning a more rapid decline around age 35. Besides the decreased chance of getting pregnant, women after age 35 have an increased risk of miscarriage. Fertility treatment success also decreases with age, specifically if the couple uses the woman’s eggs (as opposed to donor eggs). Get the detailed info at http://www.iwannagetpregnant.com
http://www.iwannagetpregnant.com/surrogacy.asp

[ghostfire58]

When our cycle failed earlier this month my best friend offered to carry for me ( we have 1 frostie). We've been friends for over 25 years and while we really appreciated her offer we had to refuse, because I wouldn't want to risk our friendship. WHat if it didn't work, how would she feel, how would we feel? What about the finiancial costs of being prego? Mat leave etc... She already has 3 childern so I wasn't concerned about how she'd react to being pregnant, no matter how DH and I have our family I know she'll love them and mother them the same way I treat her girls.
Not everyone who has a child feels like a mother to that child, that's something only you can know about yourself. If you're friendship is close I'm sure your friend will feel blessed that you care enough to offer surrogacy.

[Maryam23]

Thanks for sharing.

[Leona Kravets]

Hello, Ladies!

I am experienced surrogate mother and want to help couples to not be afraid while choosing this way. My choice also was not so easy as you can think, but at that moment I very much was asked to help italian couple to became happy parents. Yes, as well I was greatly benefited during my pregnancy. I had amazing doctor who have helped me to conceive by IVF cycle and monitored pregnancy up to baby girl was born. Million thanks to her!!! I was so touched by couple's happiness (sorry, cant say their name), while they was holding little lovely girl. How much love they have! It was their first baby.
One year came since that time and I decided to help other couple.

If you have any questions pls, feel free to ask.