Dagny
Just to say that I am thinking of you
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Trace x
Dagny
MY DEAR FRIEND
i hope you know how much of a help that you have been to so many people. true friends are so hard to find , and it is amazing how close you can feel to some one that you have never even met.
so i just wanted to tell you thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you do.
i go all the time to the sight that you had made up for our children. i cant tell you enough how much that means to me.
some how it seems to make my chiuldren important and real and that they will never be for gotten !
that is all because of you. you have such a wonderful heart.
thank you for being you
love your frien becky
i hope you know how much of a help that you have been to so many people. true friends are so hard to find , and it is amazing how close you can feel to some one that you have never even met.
so i just wanted to tell you thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you do.
i go all the time to the sight that you had made up for our children. i cant tell you enough how much that means to me.
some how it seems to make my chiuldren important and real and that they will never be for gotten !
that is all because of you. you have such a wonderful heart.
thank you for being you
love your frien becky
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
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sophiejane
- Regular
- Posts: 331
- Joined: Sun Jul 25, 2004 1:03 pm
- Location: Ringwood, Hants
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TERESAWANTBABY
- Regular
- Posts: 131
- Joined: Fri May 07, 2004 11:14 am
- Location: Canada
Hi Guy's
Thanks for all your lovely messages, I felt really special when I logged on today and saw so many of you were thinking of me. I am quite tearful.
I have had a few days away from the site to try and get my head together and grieve all over again. I started to bleed a little a few days ago and it was not like a normal start to AF. It was very fibrous and mucous-y (TMI
) and I feel like my embies or emby had tried to embed but not quite made it. Then yesterday I bled so much I felt faint and dizzy all day and it was so bloody painful. I feel so empty again now that my embies have gone.
I don't know what or how things are determined anymore and I just think my future with children is slipping futher away. I really do feel like I have lost Katelyn all over again and my heart is aching so much for her and to see her little face again and hold her tiny finger and toes and feel the smoothness of her little cheeks. I need to hold her and kiss her and keep her safe. I am so sorry guys for talking about this but I am feeling utterly alone and I have never known pain like it in my heart. I was so close to being a Mummy and having my miracle and now it seems an eternity away. I knew this treatment would bring back my emotions especially if it was a negative result and I knew I would have to deal with it but I didn't know how. What I have realised is that I am not coping well and I have seen my councellor but It's not going to change the fact that Katelyn is still in her grave and I am still not pregnant. I don't think I have sobbed so much since Katelyn died and my ribs ache. I try not to do this when David is home because I don't want to upset him. He feels so helpless and he can't find the right words to comfort me and I hate seeing him looking sad. He just hugs me and tells me it will be alright one day, I just wish I could share his optimism and faith but right now I just can't see the wood for the trees.
It seems like most of the June July buddies have got negative results or had early m/c's and I am angry and so sad. There were so many of us and yet it has been the worst turn out yet.
Thankyou for listening and I hope I have not upset anyone, I just needed to get it out. I can't even get to see my consultant until September 17th. All I can do is wait and sit next to Katelyn's grave to be close to her and talk to her. She is my precious angel and I miss her more than ever.
Love Dagny xkx
Thanks for all your lovely messages, I felt really special when I logged on today and saw so many of you were thinking of me. I am quite tearful.
I have had a few days away from the site to try and get my head together and grieve all over again. I started to bleed a little a few days ago and it was not like a normal start to AF. It was very fibrous and mucous-y (TMI
) and I feel like my embies or emby had tried to embed but not quite made it. Then yesterday I bled so much I felt faint and dizzy all day and it was so bloody painful. I feel so empty again now that my embies have gone. I don't know what or how things are determined anymore and I just think my future with children is slipping futher away. I really do feel like I have lost Katelyn all over again and my heart is aching so much for her and to see her little face again and hold her tiny finger and toes and feel the smoothness of her little cheeks. I need to hold her and kiss her and keep her safe. I am so sorry guys for talking about this but I am feeling utterly alone and I have never known pain like it in my heart. I was so close to being a Mummy and having my miracle and now it seems an eternity away. I knew this treatment would bring back my emotions especially if it was a negative result and I knew I would have to deal with it but I didn't know how. What I have realised is that I am not coping well and I have seen my councellor but It's not going to change the fact that Katelyn is still in her grave and I am still not pregnant. I don't think I have sobbed so much since Katelyn died and my ribs ache. I try not to do this when David is home because I don't want to upset him. He feels so helpless and he can't find the right words to comfort me and I hate seeing him looking sad. He just hugs me and tells me it will be alright one day, I just wish I could share his optimism and faith but right now I just can't see the wood for the trees.
It seems like most of the June July buddies have got negative results or had early m/c's and I am angry and so sad. There were so many of us and yet it has been the worst turn out yet.
Thankyou for listening and I hope I have not upset anyone, I just needed to get it out. I can't even get to see my consultant until September 17th. All I can do is wait and sit next to Katelyn's grave to be close to her and talk to her. She is my precious angel and I miss her more than ever.
Love Dagny xkx
Me 38 DH 40
1st 2nd & 4th IVF/ICSI -ve
3rd +ve DD Katelyn born @ 24wks & sadly died
5th +ve m/c 9wks
6th +ve Twins Sadly DD Leah stillborn @20wks and DS Kieran born @22wks but sadly died too
7th +ve - DD Chloë Mae born @38wks our precious miracle
1st 2nd & 4th IVF/ICSI -ve
3rd +ve DD Katelyn born @ 24wks & sadly died
5th +ve m/c 9wks
6th +ve Twins Sadly DD Leah stillborn @20wks and DS Kieran born @22wks but sadly died too
7th +ve - DD Chloë Mae born @38wks our precious miracle
Hi Dagny
just popped by to see how you're getting on. Getting a negative must be so difficult and I think about how I would deal with it all the time. You and I have already been through so much that seems unthinkable - and we are still here, alive and breathing (although often not feeling very alive). Getting over the negative result will happen and probably surprisingly soon.
Getting over the loss of our precious girls is a different matter though. I can't believe it has been over 4 months since Katie died. I still think I can feel her kicking me somedays. I too wish I could see her, wish I could touch her and hold her like everyone else seems to be able to do with their babies. I can still feel the cosy weightiness of her little body as it was wrapped in a shawl for me to hold her. I can feel her downy head and little button nose. I see mothers and babies around me everywhere I look and I can't understand why this happened to me. Its a terrible question to ask, 'why me and why not so and so' but it is, I'm afraid, one I ask regularly. And I know all babies are precious - but when you've waited so many years to meet your daughter and then have her snatched from you at the last minute - it does feel that some are even more precious and that life is the cruellest, most unfair ever.
That feeling of being alone is one I have a lot and it comes from finding there are so few people who understand what this is like. It seems to come so easily for most people - and I see them walking around in their naive bubbles of life, where nothing bad seems able to touch them. Not even the people at SANDS seem able to understand as they've all seemingly gone onto have other babies - most within the year.
I feel so cheated from the life I should be living now - being with my baby, watching her grow and develop, feeling content at last. Instead I am back at the beginning, fighting to get hospital appointments and struggling to find money for treatment. And knowing there is a hole the size of Canada in my life that can never be filled. She was my shadow daughter - and I'll never ever know what she was really like. What she'd have looked like, what her personality was like, who she'd have been.
Sorry for going on Dagny. I guess I just wanted you to know that I am here feeling the same type of pain (although I know it can never be exactly the same). Don't feel alone.
And don't give up hope because there is logically no reason to even start thinking of a life without children. You still have so much time and have a proven ability to make beautiful babies - don't waste that, Katelyn needs a baby brother/sister (or one of each!)
Thinking of you as always
Anjela
x
just popped by to see how you're getting on. Getting a negative must be so difficult and I think about how I would deal with it all the time. You and I have already been through so much that seems unthinkable - and we are still here, alive and breathing (although often not feeling very alive). Getting over the negative result will happen and probably surprisingly soon.
Getting over the loss of our precious girls is a different matter though. I can't believe it has been over 4 months since Katie died. I still think I can feel her kicking me somedays. I too wish I could see her, wish I could touch her and hold her like everyone else seems to be able to do with their babies. I can still feel the cosy weightiness of her little body as it was wrapped in a shawl for me to hold her. I can feel her downy head and little button nose. I see mothers and babies around me everywhere I look and I can't understand why this happened to me. Its a terrible question to ask, 'why me and why not so and so' but it is, I'm afraid, one I ask regularly. And I know all babies are precious - but when you've waited so many years to meet your daughter and then have her snatched from you at the last minute - it does feel that some are even more precious and that life is the cruellest, most unfair ever.
That feeling of being alone is one I have a lot and it comes from finding there are so few people who understand what this is like. It seems to come so easily for most people - and I see them walking around in their naive bubbles of life, where nothing bad seems able to touch them. Not even the people at SANDS seem able to understand as they've all seemingly gone onto have other babies - most within the year.
I feel so cheated from the life I should be living now - being with my baby, watching her grow and develop, feeling content at last. Instead I am back at the beginning, fighting to get hospital appointments and struggling to find money for treatment. And knowing there is a hole the size of Canada in my life that can never be filled. She was my shadow daughter - and I'll never ever know what she was really like. What she'd have looked like, what her personality was like, who she'd have been.
Sorry for going on Dagny. I guess I just wanted you to know that I am here feeling the same type of pain (although I know it can never be exactly the same). Don't feel alone.
And don't give up hope because there is logically no reason to even start thinking of a life without children. You still have so much time and have a proven ability to make beautiful babies - don't waste that, Katelyn needs a baby brother/sister (or one of each!)
Thinking of you as always
Anjela
x
Me 32, DP, 42. 1st ICSI Jul 2003 +ve.
Beautiful Katie stillborn at 35 weeks pg
Can't give up here... next ICSI Aug/Sept 04
Beautiful Katie stillborn at 35 weeks pg
Can't give up here... next ICSI Aug/Sept 04
Dagy
I feel so inadequate that I can't do anything to help, I wish I could. All I can do is to say you really helped me for which I am very grateful, especially as I could pass you in the street and never know.
I have been thinking of you through this difficult time, not that that is any help but hopefully its a comfort.
Take all the time you need to grieve, that is the only thing that will help, you will never get over what has happened but you will, in time learn to come to terms with it. I think that we all expect to get over such awful experiences but we don't we just learn to cope. Unfortunately it won't happen quickly, but it will happen.
Take good care of yourself and take one day at a time
DeeDee
I feel so inadequate that I can't do anything to help, I wish I could. All I can do is to say you really helped me for which I am very grateful, especially as I could pass you in the street and never know.
I have been thinking of you through this difficult time, not that that is any help but hopefully its a comfort.
Take all the time you need to grieve, that is the only thing that will help, you will never get over what has happened but you will, in time learn to come to terms with it. I think that we all expect to get over such awful experiences but we don't we just learn to cope. Unfortunately it won't happen quickly, but it will happen.
Take good care of yourself and take one day at a time
DeeDee
Dear Dear Dagny
I am thinking of you as always and understand the feelings you have - I thought Anjela echoed yours and hers beautifully too. I cannnot begin to understand why this has turned out the way it has - I really can't and can empathise with where you are in your head and heart.
I have come out the other end (hopefully) and have light very close to the end of my tunnel but have stared down the barrel of a large gun and gazed up at a huge mountain that I was thrown off with no rope at all and wondered - HOW - how on earth do I get back up there again. Katelyn will always be your special daughter just as Oliver is my special son.
MAybe and this will probably not help now - Katelyn took those two embies away as she did not want to see you go through further pain as they weren't well enough - I expect she thought you had had enough and she will look after those two. There is or are babies out there that I feel very sure you will have but understand that you are grieving for not only her but for two lives that were not to be and that is just immense.
I am always here for you for whatever you need but then you know that.
Loads of love
Tracey
xxx
I am thinking of you as always and understand the feelings you have - I thought Anjela echoed yours and hers beautifully too. I cannnot begin to understand why this has turned out the way it has - I really can't and can empathise with where you are in your head and heart.
I have come out the other end (hopefully) and have light very close to the end of my tunnel but have stared down the barrel of a large gun and gazed up at a huge mountain that I was thrown off with no rope at all and wondered - HOW - how on earth do I get back up there again. Katelyn will always be your special daughter just as Oliver is my special son.
MAybe and this will probably not help now - Katelyn took those two embies away as she did not want to see you go through further pain as they weren't well enough - I expect she thought you had had enough and she will look after those two. There is or are babies out there that I feel very sure you will have but understand that you are grieving for not only her but for two lives that were not to be and that is just immense.
I am always here for you for whatever you need but then you know that.
Loads of love
Tracey
xxx
ttc 9 years. 38 yrs old, dh 8 hrs younger!First IVF in Aug 2002 and had ectopic.2nd IVF neg.3rd FET and negative.4th FET and positive but sadly lost our little boy at 20 weeks.5th FET and Alice Isobel and Emily Charlotte born 5th Aug 2004!
oh Dagny i am so sorry for the pain that you are feeling. i wish i could make it better.
i cant tell you how many times over the last year that i wanted to hold moses in my arms. i even went out there and wanted to take him back. the need to hold him was unbareable.
i had the need so bad that i was starting to scare myself.
it has been over a year and i am doing alot better. yes it still hurts, but
i would like to think that i will be ok. i can now look out at my sons grave and smile and know that i felt him inside of me and how amazing that was.
i think that i still have a harder time with are twins cause we had the d&c and never got to see our little son and little our little daughterl. but you have made them real buy the babies loved and lost..
and i cant thank you enough for that.
i dont know what the future holds for any of us. but i do know that none of us are alone. we have each other and heavenly father is there.we never have to be alone.
please know that you can e-mail me
ogr@direcway.com
love becky
i cant tell you how many times over the last year that i wanted to hold moses in my arms. i even went out there and wanted to take him back. the need to hold him was unbareable.
i had the need so bad that i was starting to scare myself.
it has been over a year and i am doing alot better. yes it still hurts, but
i would like to think that i will be ok. i can now look out at my sons grave and smile and know that i felt him inside of me and how amazing that was.
i think that i still have a harder time with are twins cause we had the d&c and never got to see our little son and little our little daughterl. but you have made them real buy the babies loved and lost..
and i cant thank you enough for that.
i dont know what the future holds for any of us. but i do know that none of us are alone. we have each other and heavenly father is there.we never have to be alone.
please know that you can e-mail me
ogr@direcway.com
love becky
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
Dagny,
As much as I might complain sometimes, I haven't been through half as much as you've had to endure so I feel very much at a loss for words when it comes to trying to something to make you feel better. How can I even begin to know the pain you are suffering? All I can really say is that you seem to be a very strong person and will get through this. I think it's good that you are allowing your emotions to come out. It's probably best to talk about it if you feel able to.
I would say "don't give up" but I know you are not going to!
Thanks for being such a great support to the rest of us....even when you've been undergoing such a rough time yourself. You are an amazing person!
Big Hug,
Staci
As much as I might complain sometimes, I haven't been through half as much as you've had to endure so I feel very much at a loss for words when it comes to trying to something to make you feel better. How can I even begin to know the pain you are suffering? All I can really say is that you seem to be a very strong person and will get through this. I think it's good that you are allowing your emotions to come out. It's probably best to talk about it if you feel able to.
I would say "don't give up" but I know you are not going to!
Thanks for being such a great support to the rest of us....even when you've been undergoing such a rough time yourself. You are an amazing person!
Big Hug,
Staci
Me 35/DH 41
TTC 4 years
Diagnosis: MF infertility
IVF/ICSI April 2004: -tive
FET Aug. 2004 (canceled due to cysts)
FET Jan 2005: -tive
FET Aug. 2005
TTC 4 years
Diagnosis: MF infertility
IVF/ICSI April 2004: -tive
FET Aug. 2004 (canceled due to cysts)
FET Jan 2005: -tive
FET Aug. 2005
Thanks Anjela, DeeDee, Tracey, Becky and Staci
My day has been very unpreductive and I have been very tearful for most of it. Your very kind messages were so lovely and you are all very caring people.
Anjela - Our struggle to come to terms with everything without our daughters as part of our lives is so hard. My craving to hold her tiny body makes my arms and heart ache so much and I know you know exactly how it feels to have had your baby wrapped up in your arms so perfect and pink and beautiful. You, Tracey and I have experienced a most horrific event in our lives and nothing can be any worse than that.
I was so sure that I would fall PG again, perhaps stupidly because others have gone on to do it I naturally assumed it would work for me and even though I kept on saying it wouldn't deep down I thought it would.
My darling DH will be home soon and I am going to give him such a huge cuddle because I need him so much right now. The events of today with all the other negative results have really upset me. We will go to Katelyn's grave together and tell her how much we miss her and love her.
Hoping tomorrow will be better.............................
Love Dagny xkx
My day has been very unpreductive and I have been very tearful for most of it. Your very kind messages were so lovely and you are all very caring people.
Anjela - Our struggle to come to terms with everything without our daughters as part of our lives is so hard. My craving to hold her tiny body makes my arms and heart ache so much and I know you know exactly how it feels to have had your baby wrapped up in your arms so perfect and pink and beautiful. You, Tracey and I have experienced a most horrific event in our lives and nothing can be any worse than that.
I was so sure that I would fall PG again, perhaps stupidly because others have gone on to do it I naturally assumed it would work for me and even though I kept on saying it wouldn't deep down I thought it would.
My darling DH will be home soon and I am going to give him such a huge cuddle because I need him so much right now. The events of today with all the other negative results have really upset me. We will go to Katelyn's grave together and tell her how much we miss her and love her.
Hoping tomorrow will be better.............................
Love Dagny xkx
Me 38 DH 40
1st 2nd & 4th IVF/ICSI -ve
3rd +ve DD Katelyn born @ 24wks & sadly died
5th +ve m/c 9wks
6th +ve Twins Sadly DD Leah stillborn @20wks and DS Kieran born @22wks but sadly died too
7th +ve - DD Chloë Mae born @38wks our precious miracle
1st 2nd & 4th IVF/ICSI -ve
3rd +ve DD Katelyn born @ 24wks & sadly died
5th +ve m/c 9wks
6th +ve Twins Sadly DD Leah stillborn @20wks and DS Kieran born @22wks but sadly died too
7th +ve - DD Chloë Mae born @38wks our precious miracle
Dagny
I know whatever you will both fight on and you will both get there. When we went through our loss we decided that together we were like two cards - neither could stand on their own but together we would prop each other up.
You saying you will give DAvid a hug reminds me of this and I know you have a wonderful relationship. Send Katelyn my love
Love
Tracey
xxx
I know whatever you will both fight on and you will both get there. When we went through our loss we decided that together we were like two cards - neither could stand on their own but together we would prop each other up.
You saying you will give DAvid a hug reminds me of this and I know you have a wonderful relationship. Send Katelyn my love
Love
Tracey
xxx
ttc 9 years. 38 yrs old, dh 8 hrs younger!First IVF in Aug 2002 and had ectopic.2nd IVF neg.3rd FET and negative.4th FET and positive but sadly lost our little boy at 20 weeks.5th FET and Alice Isobel and Emily Charlotte born 5th Aug 2004!