how do you keep positive?

[sabrina]

I'm fairly new here. I honestly want to know how you stay positive? I have been trying for 3 years. I know many of you ttc much longer, but still... By the way I’m 39. I read these forums. I know many many of you have been trying much longer, and have taken many further steps than I have. So what do you do to keep yourself positive? I'm frustrated, sad, angry. I’m jealous of others. DH and I argue more frequently. I can say ttc has been one of the more unpleasant experiences in my life. Especially this month. I was nauseous, temps stayed up, and I was late. I am NEVER late! So I had dared to allow myself to hope. Even managed to wait 2 days before I tested. Test showed negative, and AF arrived later that morning.

[Millia]

I know just how you feel. DH and I are arguing more than ever....I am a total pain in the butt to get along with. I wear my feeling on my sleeve. I am to the point I am happy for all those women getting their BFP but I'm so jealous. I just want to scream... Plus to top it all off my coworker's daughter just got preg on her wedding night. Then her other daughter who just had a baby 4 months ago just found out she is preg, again... I just want to crawl in a whole and hide forever. I’m so angry at my friends for getting pregnant without trying then feeling like a horrible person for doing it. For me the hardest thing about infertility is that no one can ever understand what you are going through. Unless they have been there themselves. And maybe this sounds terrible but I don’t like hanging out with our pregnant friends anymore. All they do is talking about childbirth, children and how it’s exhausting for them to be pregnant. This makes me depressed. I am happy for them, but sometimes it’s too hard. I'm on the edge of turning 40. We have been trying for about 5 years. My group of friends all started to have babies in our late 20s early 30s. I wanted to hang out with people that didn't have babies (selfish, I know). But there is seriously no one who doesn’t have children! I'm seriously the last one left. I feel like I can't breathe sometimes. See we aren't all so positive.

[Estellla]

I'll be honest with you. Sometimes I'm not positive at all. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed and cry. Other times I just want to totally give up. I have been ttc for 8 years! I had 6 m/c. I don't know what's worse, not being able to get pregnant, or getting pregnant but not being able to keep it. I just try to remind myself that I want a baby and I can't let anything stop me. I don't know if it's really staying positive that works for me or the attitude that I want it, so I'm going to get it. I don't say "if" I have a baby, I say "when" I have a baby. I know it will happen. I think I'm kind of brainwashing myself. I know how you feel about the anger/jealous thing. I'm right there with you. When that happens, I just tell myself, my time will come. Maybe this can work for you too. Best of luck to you. It will happen!

[JessicaJJ]

Dh and I both want a baby. It helps a lot with how supportive he is. He's pretty much on the same page as me. We both want children so much. We know we are supposed to be parents. That’s the only thing which matters. In the meantime, I spend a lot of time here and have met so many terrific people. I am truly happy for them when they get the good news. I am truly sad for them when they get bad news. Their happiness does not take away from mine. I could never be jealous or feel bad because someone else is fortunate and happy.

A lot of it does have to do with brainwashing. You just have to try to convince yourself that everything is okay. And everything is going to turn out the way you want it to. Kind of like when a child falls down and starts crying. You tell them, "you're okay" and they suddenly stop crying. Mind over matter I guess. It's not that it's always easy. It's just that if you constantly tell yourself positive thoughts and constantly type out positive comments, you just get in the mind state that things aren't really so bad. When you dwell on the negative, it's SO easy to just stay there and keep getting more and more depressed. It's definitely hard, but really it is just repeatedly telling yourself positive things.

[hally09]

I know it's hard to be positive. I don't think I've been positive in a while. It seems like I'm obsessing about this all the time. I like it when I don't have a boring monotonous day. It really helps to think of other things. I wish I could go on a two week vacation every month to help take my mind off things. Basically I try to focus on keeping busy. Use this forum! It helps a lot. You can share your woes with others here who are going through the same. And you do not have to dump on family and friends who don't "get it." You know it's harder now because of your age. I'm 44! So this is so frustrating. So here's my advice. Just keep busy and try to focus on other things. Except eating... I've been doing that and am regretting! I eat when I get stressed out! Hang in there!

[Trisha0]

You know I've asked this out sooo many times! And came to the conclusion that I HAVE to force myself. At the beginning all I was is being positive... but in a negative way. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I was obsessed with getting pregnant. And it’s never happened. Then, I started the negativism. The smarty comments against ttc'ing. Like 'yeah right, if it ever happens to me...'. Now, after seeking all kinds of help (psychological, and infertility) and FORCING myself to not say negative statements... I've finally turned my face to the positivism again! But without that histeria that I had when I first started.

No one really can turn you or change you. You have to go thru a process. But one thing YOU can do, is seek for help. I refused to for many months... And people would just tell me the 'oh just relax, it'll happen when you least expect it'. And never did (also, never heard of TTC causes infertility). So, I stood up, went to an RE, ran tests. Now I know what was wrong. And now I know what to do. And in a couple of months, I'll be having IVF with donor eggs. And hopefully (cross everything) then I'll find my dream come true.

Are you seeing any specialist??? You are not 'old' at all sweetie, but they say after 35, and you ttc'ing for more than 6 months, you can go straight to a RE!

Good luck to you!!!

[sabrina]

Thank you so much girls! I’ll consider your advices. You have just the kind of attitude I WANT to have! DH and I have been married 5 years. And here we are, ttcing for 3 years... When we discussed it, we decided to try but whatever happened we would be accepting. Now that it's not happening, I find myself feeling all sorts of things. I'm ashamed of feeling jealous of others happiness. I want to stop feeling that way. I want to get along with dh. I don't want to be on an emotional roller coaster. I read others stories. I realize others have gone through a LOT more than I have. I guess I need to keep that in mind and not feel so sorry for myself. Thanks again, you helped a lot!

[kira099]

I have been TTC for 2 years. I totally understand what you are going through. It's hard when many of your friends are bragging about their kids. It’s even harder when people announcing news like, "I'm pregnant and we weren't even trying!!" That happened to me last week. This is so frustrating when each and everyone around you get pregnant… Seems they conceive right away, from the first try. We’ve tried so many treatments, medications, herbs, etc. but nothing. And everyone around thinks it’s their mission to ask “why don’t you have any kids yet? what are you waiting for?” This is so hard. Anyway, it's very hard because you are grieving that child that you do not have. Grief is a complicated thing. It's totally normal to feel the way you do. I hope you and the rest of us get pregnant very soon! In the mean time we can concentrate on our relationship with God and our relationship with our DH. I try to remember every day how blessed I am, and that makes me feel better.

[SaRaaa]

We’re so used to having the things we want instantly, that having to wait can be a little unsettling. The two week wait can feel unbearable at times, and many women spend it feeling hopeful and looking out for signs of pregnancy. You might feel disappointed, upset and angry each time you get your period. Some women even start to resent their bodies, convinced that their body is letting them down. It might sound like new age nonsense, but worrying about not falling pregnant could actually be part of the problem. Stress could be impacting on your fertility. Mother nature is pretty smart, so our bodies aren’t really designed to get pregnant during times of stress. It can happen of course, but it is less likely. In days gone by, stress would have come in the form of predators or food shortages. These days these are job worries, emotional upset or simply the stress of trying to conceive. When you want something straight away, it can be frustrating having to wait. Especially when you then have a two week wait to find out if you’ve been successful. If you haven’t, it will probably be a couple of weeks before you can try again. It’s an exhausting cycle, and one that can very quickly zap any of the fun out of your sex life. It’s not always easy to stay positive, especially when faced with yet another negative pregnancy test, but positive thinking has an important role to play here.

Try to change the way you think about trying for a baby. Stop seeing this as a failing, and try to view it as a longer process. It doesn’t take everyone the same amount of time to get pregnant, and taking longer doesn’t mean you are failing. Positive and negative thinking can have an impact on all areas of your life. If you think negatively about it, you’ll feel negatively about it and eventually negativity will be all you see. Force yourself to think positively, and you may notice that you start to feel more positively about the whole thing. Try to cut the negativity from your life. Change the language you use when you talk about trying to conceive, and think carefully about who you choose to share the information with. If there are people in your life who you think will bring negativity then avoid the subject with them. Choose instead to share your journey with friends who have more of a positive approach.

[simonna]

I know what you’re talking about! Desperately waiting for the day your period is due is not fun. Peeing on sticks is not fun. Seeing a negative result appear in the test window is really not fun. But that’s not all trying for a baby is. It’s a time to enjoy and prioritise sex. It can be hard though. But fake it till you make it! Try to find positive side in everything! Even in TTC. It’s a time to really get to know and appreciate your body. Now is the time to throw yourself into sex (not literally, that could hurt and your partner probably won’t appreciate the force behind your new moves). Start dating each other again, and have fun, passionate sex. No more let’s-make-a-baby-sex which everyone knows is only fun for the first few times, then painstakingly dull after that. Forget about the end game, and just enjoy the moment. Just try to do that and you’ll see the change! Good luck!

[bethD]

Time to think is not your friend. These are the moments where you convince yourself you’re pregnant, start googling causes of infertility, or sob because you’re not pregnant yet. Avoid these things, and instead focus on being kind to yourself. Take some time for you and do something you love. Find a way of keeping busy. Meet up with friends, take a class or start a new hobby. Find something you love so much that you get lost in it, and the days slip away without you keeping track of how far into the two week wait you are. Keeping busy will give you less time to worry about whether you’re pregnant, and may leave you feeling a bit more positive about the whole thing. You did the right thing by joining this forum! Talking about trying to conceive can be tricky, especially when everyone around you seems to be falling pregnant at the drop of a hat. At times, you might even find it hard to share in your friend’s happiness because your jealousy gets in the way. It’s not pretty, but it’s the truth. If you want to speak to women who know exactly what you’re going through, look online. Here we come together to share experiences, offer support and build friendships. If talking to your friends and family feels impossible, you might find the support you need here. Talking about how you feel can be a great way of letting off steam. And the perfect way to let go of any stress. Trying to conceive can be stressful, but it doesn’t always need to be. Take time to enjoy the process, try your best to remain positive and be sure to seek support during the difficult times.

[Annalias]

To prevent negative thinking while TTC, you may want to try journaling. Not only can it help you track your efforts and cycles, but it can also be a cathartic exercise for expelling your thoughts and emotions. You may also want to try using note cards or images to help you foster a sense of positivity. You can place these empowering phrases or images in a place where you’ll see them frequently, such as by your computer or in your car. Women tend to put their lives “on hold” while TTC. One element of staying positive while TTC is moving forward in your life’s endeavors, whether that means planning for a vacation as you normally would, pursuing a new job, or moving to a new home. Many times, women pause such major life switches, either in fear that the new circumstances would be impacted by pregnancy, or in hopes that the pregnancy will occur and they could delay the change until after giving birth. Either way, going about your life as normal while TTC can help you stay positive. It’s really hard to stay positive. You just have to surround yourself with fantastic people and lean on them when you need them. There are days that I have complete breakdowns when I hear of someone new getting pregnant in the first month. There are other days that I’m fine. Definitely try to spend the time you can focused on things you won’t have as easy a time once baby joins you. Make sure you surround yourself by those people who love and support you, even if they don’t know you are TTC. A positive atmosphere helps though it doesn’t solve it by a long shot.

[Vikky]

I believe that staying positive is vital for a woman’s physical and emotional well-being. Staying positive reinforces to your body healthy thoughts and emotions. Positive thinking attracts positive actions into one’s life. Negativity is a stress on the body. Stress hormones really play into the role of fertility. It’s the idea of fight or flight. Our bodies weren’t designed to become pregnant while running from the saber toothed tiger way back when. Now, the tiger has changed into job stress, money stress, family stress, unhealthy lifestyle stress, and even negative emotion stress. When conception becomes stressful the body recognizes that as a ‘fight or flight’ emotion and reacts accordingly.

If the emotions running through a woman’s body are ones of frustration, anger, hopelessness, blame, and sadness then that’s what you’re going to get. Combating negativity and staying positive during preconception even through assisted reproductive therapy (ART), can go a long way in keeping your stress levels down. Holistic thought believes that keeping your stress levels down can make pregnancy more likely.

Take time for yourself every day. Even if it’s five or 10 minutes where you put your feet up and zone out, it allows your body a quick recharge. When your life centers around trying to conceive the focus changes to the end result instead of the process. Don’t forget you are a part of the process, and it’s important you remain healthy, clear, and balanced. Journaling is very important. It gets those negative emotions out of your head and allows you to check in with yourself about what is going on and then how you can flip it around to the positive.

[Vikky]

If you are having a hard time staying positive during preconception, then put up note cards with positive words and phrases on them. At least you will read them and your brain will take note of them several times a day. Place one on your bathroom mirror, on your computer, in your car, taped to the back of your cell phone, etc. Repeat them aloud or in your head. Use words such as “create,” “beautiful,” “healthy body,” “balanced,” “normal cycle,” “healthy eggs and sperm,” “healthy cervical fluid,” “regular ovulation.” Try phrases such as “I am a healthy woman.” “My uterus and ovaries are ready to create a baby.” “My partner and I are wonderful parents.” Try using any word or phrase that makes you smile when you see them.
Don’t forget about date night. Another way to enjoy the preconception process is to re-create courting. Surprise each other with little gifts or cards. Go out to dinner, catch a movie, drink sparkling cider under the stars. It’s OK to have sex on your non-fertile days if you need to release some pressure!

Eliminate the negativity around you. Connect with positive people, read positive books, watch happy, positive movies. Don’t let negative people or images drag you down while you’re trying to conceive. Create healthy boundaries and buy yourself a “no” button. It’s OK to say “no” and put yourself first.

[TayloRSS]

If you're not getting pregnant right away, you're not alone! It takes time, even for the healthiest couples. Try not to obsess, which will only make the time pass more slowly. Focus on other things - your work, your hobbies, anything you enjoy. But don't stay patient forever. If you're under 35 and have been trying conscientiously for 12 months, or if you're 35 or older and have been trying for six months, then it's time to see the doctor for a fertility evaluation.

Let's face it - few things are less sexy than taking your temperature and charting your periods. So how do you sustain desire while sticking to a schedule? Use your imagination, and shake things up a bit! Treat yourself to new lingerie each month, or set the mood with a romantic movie or music. Try a change of scenery - make love in a different room, in a hotel, or even in a tent in the backyard. Try anything you can think of that's appealing, fun, and new. The key is to avoid is a tense, do-or-die atmosphere. Whatever you can do to keep the mood light and loving, go for it!

When you're trying to get pregnant, it can sometimes seem as if the whole world already has a baby or is expecting one. That's simply not true. There are scads of people who are trying, too - sharing your ups and downs with them can be very comforting (plus, a recent study indicated that couples who sought support had improved fertility rates!)

If the conception routine is taking a toll on you, your spouse, or your relationship, don't be afraid to take a break for a while. Relax and enjoy each other's company. Have sex just for fun and pay no attention to cycle days. A few months like this can recharge your spirits and certainly won't do any harm to your chances of conceiving.

One of the toughest challenges faced by couples trying to conceive is dealing with questions and "helpful" advice from their loved ones. When someone asks when you're finally going to have kids, don't feel obligated to delve into your situation if you don't feel like it. Just smile and say, "As soon as I know, I'll let you know!" If someone tells you, "It's all in your head! Just stop worrying and you'll get pregnant!" just say something like "Thanks for the advice," and change the subject.