ttc rude comments, let's have a little rant

[sabrina]

Just a quick vent... I’m so sick of people asking when we will have a baby. I've starting responding with "when everything starts working". I’m sick of people asking DH if he needs to be shown how it's done. I’m sick of people saying "stop thinking about it and it will happen". I've been pretty quiet in here lately, bit overwhelmed with everything and feeling a bit like a failure, but thank goodness for all of you. I know you can relate. You’ve been supporting me so much during my ttc journey. Thanks a lot, ladies. How do you respond to rude comments? Which one was the worst comment during your ttc? Hope we can share here and have a little rant.

[Millia]

Sorry people are being d*cks... I started telling ppl that I don't want kids to stop the questions. Then when I first started to tell ppl I was pregnant everyone was asking if we were trying… I don't know why they ask that??? Is that matter? Why people think it’s ok to ask such stuff? I got sick of it and started saying well yes we were ttc actually for a very long and had to do IVF… It tends to shut them up. Another friend told me “IVF must be so much easier than trying naturally as you don't have to time your fertile window and it always works!” Honestly I could write a book on this topic... It was said after my 3rd failed IVF(she didn’t know about my IVFs at all). I understand that people who don’t have troubles conceiving just don’t understand the whole thing. They don’t understand what we are going through but… This’s so annoying and sad and painful and awful when people say such things.

[hally09]

I often get 'You're so lucky you don't have kids!' from people who admittedly don't know me that well. Obviously it never crosses their mind that being childless may not be a choice. It takes all my strength not to shout at them 'Actually I'm very unlucky not to have kids, you idiot!' Someone asked me if I thought my husband would leave me for someone who could give him children. How crazy a person should be to say such things?? Well I do my best to just ignore such people. I don't think people actually know the impact of what they’re saying or asking. I'm sure I was sometimes a complete b*tch prior to struggling with infertility asking about others ttc. I was asking this out of curiosity, because I was ttcing myself. But I never meant to hurt anyone… I didn't know what to say! I was naive! I was just making conversation! I'm now going through de IVF and find these comments upsetting. But hey all you can do is take comments in the spirit in which they are intended. I find it comforting to think we are not on the receiving end of these comments! Everyone cops it, fat people, too thin people, single people, stay at home mums, working mums, vegetarians.... There's no escape!!!

[desirre]

Yeah it can be so painful… I was still bleeding from my mc last year… At my first day back at work I got absolutely hounded by two work colleagues (who didn’t know about my mc) after the announcement of another workmates pregnancy, asking when DH and I were going to try for another baby… They were saying it must be my turn next. That was painful to hear and it was hard to hold my tears back… Last months they were doing same thing to another colleague. She has one child, who is 7 yo and she’s trying for a baby #2. So they were cautioning her against leaving too big of a gap between her son and a second child... I just wanted to scream! I heard she was sobbing in her office… I wanted to talk to her, but we’re not that close… Also there is this stupid pillow at work called “the pregnancy pillow”. Whoever sits on it is supposed to become pregnant next. It was being passed around one time and the lady goes to pass it to me, grimaces and passes it on to the next person. At that moment I wanted to leave and never get back there… Now when I remember that moment, I want to take that pillow and strangle that btch with it.

What about “You wouldn't understand as you're not a mother”? I’ve got this comment right after my first mc. It took all my willpower to not stand up and walk out.

Thing is I’m pretty sure I’ve asked the offending question to people myself, long ago before I started down this road and realised what an emotionally loaded question it is and how hard it is to answer sometimes.

[kira099]

'I'm worried I'll be infertile' said to me several times by so called best friend while she was planning her wedding (and planning to ttc as soon after the wedding as possible). She knew my history and wasn't really supportive. Two years on and she's pg with baby #2. Another friend joking about how she only had to look at her husband makes her pregnant.

I've had offers from acquaintances to be my surrogate. Serious ones. They don't even stop to consider how insensitive that is. I even had one offer because she loved being pregnant but hated the newborn thing as it was sooo boring. Well maybe for her it is, but I'd give anything for that kind of boredom. Because of the nature of my job I'm always asked if I have kids and if I want kids, why don't I have kids? So difficult not to scream in their faces. So difficult not to punch them in their faces! Totally not appropriate for me to explain my fertility issues but I just want them to stop and think!!

I've also had people say 'you'll be next!' When I've been holding the babies of friends and relatives. I never know what to say. If I say no, I'm seen as a child hater. If I smile and laugh I just have to die on the inside. Great, thanks. I've even had 'aww you're so natural with babies', 'when are you going to start trying?' (3 years ago thanks).

I've also been given suggestions of what I should try, folic acid, meditation, acupuncture, Chinese herbal medicine, all manner of drugs, clomid... I don't want suggestions or opinions or questions. I just want you all to shut the f up and stop talking about my ovaries like they're your property!!

[milaSM]

A work colleague and father of four 'I don't think women who don't have children are real women'. About a week after I had miscarried an IVF pregnancy.

After telling a friend we were about to start IVF ‘I'm not sure if I could do IVF. Surely it is nature's way of telling you that you weren't meant to be a parent’. Ironically, she is now going through IVF herself.

‘Are you trying again?’ - asked by my SIL at Xmas Dinner, in front of the whole family, days after my first loss.

And my fave - one of my friends told me she knows how I feel because quote ‘I tried for ages and thought it would never happen’. When I asked her how long she had tried she said about 5 months.

Hugs to everyone who's had something horrible said, some of these are unbelievably horrible. People are the worst!

[Shank_D]

Just a quick vent... I’m so sick of people asking when we will have a baby. I've starting responding with "when everything starts working". I’m sick of people asking DH if he needs to be shown how it's done. I’m sick of people saying "stop thinking about it and it will happen". I've been pretty quiet in here lately, bit overwhelmed with everything and feeling a bit like a failure, but thank goodness for all of you. I know you can relate. You’ve been supporting me so much during my ttc journey. Thanks a lot, ladies. How do you respond to rude comments? Which one was the worst comment during your ttc? Hope we can share here and have a little rant.

Some people are just too naive and insensitive to other's problems! Sorry to hear that you too had to come across such people... well it's true that all of us have that experience... but then sometimes it's just too much. I can comprehend the fact that these people who are a constant agitator cannot possibly step into our shoes of infertility struggle because they haven't had that... but it doesn't need one to die to comprehend death as well. It doesn't take much to be a little more empathetic and sensible in choosing what to say and what to not. Ideally, it's best to ignore them. But having been through it myself several times I know it's easier said than done. Also, sometimes the questions or comments are so pathetic you just wish you could hit them hard. I figured out answering them wittily to get them baffled is just my thing... then I don't ponder on the ridiculous comment but instead throw a laugh every time I think about it. Like the sister of my MIL always pokes too many comments about fertility treatment... the usual "why don't you" types. Thankfully I don't get to see her more than a couple of times in a year. So last to last year thanksgiving she said us in the very " know it all tone" why haven't you guys consider ICSI+IVF (we've had been seeking consulation for it already) I said wittily ... Oh we figured that out already just pondering on someone to ask about it so we can ask them to pay for it all... thanks that you asked. lol she was baffled and her face... thinking about it can make my dullest day cheerful.

[Shank_D]

'I'm worried I'll be infertile' said to me several times by so called best friend while she was planning her wedding (and planning to ttc as soon after the wedding as possible). She knew my history and wasn't really supportive. Two years on and she's pg with baby #2. Another friend joking about how she only had to look at her husband makes her pregnant.

I've had offers from acquaintances to be my surrogate. Serious ones. They don't even stop to consider how insensitive that is. I even had one offer because she loved being pregnant but hated the newborn thing as it was sooo boring. Well maybe for her it is, but I'd give anything for that kind of boredom. Because of the nature of my job I'm always asked if I have kids and if I want kids, why don't I have kids? So difficult not to scream in their faces. So difficult not to punch them in their faces! Totally not appropriate for me to explain my fertility issues but I just want them to stop and think!!

I've also had people say 'you'll be next!' When I've been holding the babies of friends and relatives. I never know what to say. If I say no, I'm seen as a child hater. If I smile and laugh I just have to die on the inside. Great, thanks. I've even had 'aww you're so natural with babies', 'when are you going to start trying?' (3 years ago thanks).

I've also been given suggestions of what I should try, folic acid, meditation, acupuncture, Chinese herbal medicine, all manner of drugs, clomid... I don't want suggestions or opinions or questions. I just want you all to shut the f up and stop talking about my ovaries like they're your property!!

Hugs to you!! It's really hard to put up with total insensible people and assholes... you're brave to do that. Firstly, next time anyone says supplements, acupuncture and Chinese herb please retort to them saying ... oh so you're a non-believer of clinical help eh. Adding, so which herbal tea you take to destroy your sensibility? Or like saying... oh do they have acupuncture to make the brain more active too... you know just to make it easier to consciously decide what to ask and what not. To you're next... I really don't know what to retort to people who say that politely but if I could I'd shout out... "I'll tell you the same next time we visit a funeral together". I just don't get it how can people be so so dumb. Why do they think we are not doing enough to improve our chances of pregnancy already and waiting for their suggestions to begin with the fertility try. I feel so good to be on the forum at least you've got women here who are sensible and supportive. Love you all and wish you all luck!