I might never become a mom...

[JessicaJJ]

Hi ladies! I’m back and I need to vent a little… I know you can relate. Last year 7 of my friends announced their pregnancies. Obviously almost all of them have had their babies by now. I wanted to join them so badly but it didn’t happen. A couple of days ago I went out with my bff who is 5 mnths pregnant. We had a very nice evening and it was great seeing her. But the whole time I was thinking how I want to be in her shoes! She’s got pregnant from the first try. And here I am who’s trying the whole freaking eternity! She wasn’t talking that much about her pregnancy, because she knows about my problems with TTC. But still she was bringing some pregnancy issues up. I understand why, now her baby is the most important thing in her life. It was hard not to cry, though I’m so happy for her. I imagine myself being pregnant, having all those pregnancy symptoms, talking to my belly and doing many more things which future moms do… But all of a sudden one thought makes me scared and sick – I might never become a mom. I will never have a child. I can’t tell in words how horrified I am after such thoughts!!! Of course I’m trying my best to be positive. Positive thinking and hope are everything I have now after my last ivf failed. Being not pregnant and ttcing among pregnant who haven’t even tried is so hard… Yesterday I’ve got a text message from my ex roommate (she doesn’t know about my TTC problems) telling me that she is 14 weeks PG. After I sent her my congratulations she texted me back to ask what are we waiting for and why we haven’t thought about starting a family!!!!! I swear I could scream! I am NEVER EVER going to ask women that question ever. I feel so down… Don’t know what else to say…

[Estellla]

I do know how it feels when everyone around you seems to be PG or having babies. I know after my MC my neighbor had a baby & I actually wanted to scream "you’ve stolen my dream"!!! It’s natural to feel life is unfair. Especially for us who are trying so hard but… I sadly struggle with infertility myself. So I’m feeling this way a lot. My sister told me last week she was PG. She's just stopped the pill and hadn't even had a period. I am absolutely gutted. I know it's not her fault but I wasn't even able to congratulate her. Just another daily reminder of the losses and troubles. However as hard as it gets or how long it takes we can’t ever give up on our dreams. We will get there in the end & we are all here for you.

[hally09]

More understanding coming from over here! I also had a not-very-close friend ask me whether we were planning to "jump on the baby train" (not envy). And when I said we were trying and failing, she bombarded me with loads of helpful but completely unsolicited advice, and ended in telling me we should have sex more. I didn't reply to that. We haven't spoken since. It was a year ago. Some people just have no idea, and even telling them the truth, or how it makes you feel to be asked, won't help.

[Millia]

I feel for you I really do. I believe it will happen for us someday very soon. I’m the same. I’ve been ttcing for years. Women at work keep falling pregnant. Everyone keep saying to me 'you will be next'. I know they’re only trying to make me feel better… But it just makes me feel so much worse when someone else announce their pregnancy. I dream to finally become the next one, but... I’m still not where I want to be. Sometimes it feels as though the light has gone out at the end of the tunnel and it feels like I’m getting nowhere... Still I believe it will happen for us. Sending you lots of hugs and baby dust xx

[cleooo]

It is completely natural to feel the way you do. It’s totally possible to hold 2 emotions at once, happiness for the one announcing the PG and sadness for ourselves that we are not announcing our own PG as well. I too find myself avoiding PG people and anyone who I believe might announce a PG. I just don't feel I can cope with the emotions it brings up for me. Although not a long term solution I do think we have to know our own limits and look after ourselves. My hubby wants to meet with a friend of ours who is 7 months PG and I just said no. I feel terrible but I just can't do it. Whenever we're around PG people or babies, the conversation inevitably turns to PG and babies and 'when will you be next'.... it sucks! I agree, I will NEVER ask people personal questions about babies, children or TTC ever again (although have to admit I did before we started TTC). Although I know people just care and are curious, it really drives me MAD! It WILL be us one day announcing our PG's, and when we do we will be so very very grateful xxx

[jennyblack]

I wish I'd never told anyone I'd come off the pill to TTC - as soon as I did 2 of my friends decided they wanted to try for a baby too and 1 fell pregnant her first month of trying. She already has 2 kids and had been on the depo for 3 years and yet she fell PG straight away! Now she keeps on asking me what's happening and why I'm not PG yet. It's driven me so crazy I'm avoiding seeing her and am now telling people that we've put baby plans on hold until we've moved & settled into our new house… Just to buy me a few months break from people asking me what's happening every time I see them. The other friend fell PG after 3 months trying, and another one started TTC a few months ago after I told her we were trying. Although she's not PG yet I am just waiting on tenterhooks now for her to break the news she's PG too. I'm avoiding her as well at the moment as she also keeps asking me questions about what's happening. She also said I must be feeling depressed about my other friends being PG. So I went away feeling like I'd been labelled this depressed loser! I wish I'd never opened my big mouth about TTC but at the time I was full of hope and didn't know it wouldn't be straightforward for me...

[bethD]

I can totally relate to you. I'm going to visit a friend this weekend who's 20 something weeks pregnant. She got pg when only started trying! She's only just into a 2 year relationship (mine's coming on for 11 years). Although I'm happy for her, as soon as she (and any of my other friends who are pg) told me I had a good old cry. She was also smoking when she conceived and probably hadn't started folic acid or all of those things. I feel like my life's on hold until I conceive. I hate it! It's so horrid seeing people get pregnant without properly 'trying'. One friend who started at the same time as me, conceived right away and now she’s ttcing baby #3! She then suggested to me I should have a weekend away as that would help (with my irregular periods!). And then she didn't understand when I said I was charting as you can't conceive at ANY time of your cycle. Honestly, they don't know how lucky they are!

On the plus side, it means we get a few more full nights of sleep before it all gets taken away… Plus we have a bit more money to treat ourselves. (Yeah that’s all I could make up…) Try to stay positive, I'm sure we'll all get there in the end but I know I want to scream and shout sometimes at even my best friends who don't have a clue.

Recently my DH and I were asked to go and see his colleague's baby but I couldn't as she smoke and drank the whole way through pregnancy. She was more worried about how fat she was getting than anything else. I just couldn't bring myself to go and look at the poor little thing as I would have had to bite my tongue. It's perfectly normal not to want to see pregnant friends and it's definitely a way of us coping with it more...

[kira099]

I think you have all said exactly how I feel, 24/7. I have 5 friends who had now announced their pregnancies this year. My partner and I have been together 10 years, TTC for 5 years. We are now awaiting IVF with de treatment due to unexplained infertility. Everyday gets harder and harder. I currently have 2 expectant co-workers, one now on maternity leave the other due august and I work in a nursery so constantly surrounded by children. It's such a struggle every day to have to put on a smile and help other families when all I want is a family of my own. I can totally understand what you are all going through. Just wish someone had the magic wand to make all our dreams come true xxx

[simonna]

12 years of marriage. No child... Best friends, church friends, kids I seen grow from teens to adult moving on and becoming parents. All I get is sorry glances, people giving me meaningless advice. That's my life. I’ve got pregnant in 2012, but there was problem with my kidneys and doctors had to terminate pregnancy. There is a very high risk for me to get pregnant again. Too frustrated to cry, be happy for others during their time of blessing, and even harder to pray about a child; since I have patiently waited for 12 years. So many times I was thinking about adoption… But it is so expensive for a new born. I'm getting tired of putting a smile and acting like everything is alright because it's not. I'm angry. I'm upset. Yes, I'm happy for all that get pregnant. But, I've done everything right and I get the short end of the stick… We’re currently about to start surrogacy journey. Was hoping to start much earlier, but it all comes down to money… Well now it seems I should be on cloud nine as we can finally start the surrogacy program. And actually I am happy and excited… But I still can’t believe it’s happening. I’m so used to sadness and hopelessness. I think I forgot how to be happy… But I’m so sure I’ll remember how to smile and feel happiness when I hold my baby in my hands.