Need to get something off my chest....

[Dolly]

Hi There,

I just need to get something off my chest.... a girl I work with had IVF at the same time as me - she has just come back from her 7 week scan and she is having twins.

I really am SO pleased for her - we have both been through so much in the last couple of years - but am I a bad person to think - why her and not me. I have been feeling ok about things but suddenly I feel quite upset and the reality that I might never have children seems so real.

Sorry to post such a miserable and self-pitying message.... I knew today was going to be a hard!! But must keep smiling!

Love to all

Dolly

[loopylou57uk]

hi dolly ,i know exactly how you feel.i have had 3 ivf`s now,and two have resulted in mc.
my friend has just found out she is having twins,after only trying twice, naturally, and as much as i would not wish what i have been through on anyone, i cant help but think why me?
and i also am starting to feel like i will never be a mum,
me ahd dh are waiting for test results at the moment, and i just dont know what we will do from then on, but i cant bear the thought of never having a baby,
i suppose we all have bad days, and i hope you feel better tomorrow,
and i really hope you get your dream one day,love loopy.

[AMITHIS]

Dolly,

That is a tough one to deal with and I would think the feelings may just intensify once she starts to show since you'll be seeing her at work every day. All I can really say is that the feelings you're experiencing are completely normal and I think that any one of us in the same circumstance (unless a complete saint!) would feel the same way. Just like you, I would probably be very happy for her but, at the same time, kind of remorseful that it hadn't worked for me. Was it her first attempt? The best I can do is suggest you try to focus on the fact that she got pregnant through IVF (not the "easy" way) and just try to look at her pregnancy as a reminder that IVF does work and can work for you eventually (easier said than done, I know).

As far as the reality of possibly never having children hitting you full force, I understand. It happens to me in certain situations as well. I mean I'll be enjoying life and not thinking about it too much because in the back of my mind I've convinced myself that there is still hope. Then, I'll see a movie that affects me or a pregnant lady or a parent with their child and all of the sudden I just have this empty feeling. I start thinking about my age, how fast the time is going by and my dwindling chances and the realization hits home that maybe it really won't ever happen for me. I guess all we can do is keep trying, right?

Staci

[Faith]

Hi Dolly,

I just wanted to add my agreement to what the others have said - I think your reaction is perfectly normal. As we go through life there are many occasions when things seem to be happening to other people and not to ourselves where we start to feel a little bit left behind, it's not just IVF. I was the first of my close friends to get married and years later one of them told me that my wedding really freaked her out.... She was in a relationship going nowhere and though really happy for me, she found it really difficult. I know that example doesn't compare with your experience, I'm just trying to say that it's very common.... Sorry if that doesn't make much sense.
I'm sure all of us struggle a bit with other people's pregnancies, whether natural or not. I can imagine, however that it's doubly hard when the two of you have gone through this thing 'together'. I actually find I'm better with people I'm close to.... I do feel an ache in my heart when I see them pregnant / with their babies, but I'm too happy for them to feel bitterness.... Yet it's when I see strangers pregnant / with babies that I start to think 'Why has this happened for you, but not for me....
I went for a meal last night with my sister who has just had her 20 week scan, (got pg naturally after trying for 1 month) so we sat looking at the scan pictures. Really lovely, but still difficult for me....
Please don't feel you are being selfish in looking out for your own feelings. There's nothing at all wrong in putting yourself first.
Take Care,

Faith xx

[alicia]

Dolly,

I cried when I read your post. Even though I'm 6 weeks pg from my last FET, the pain of all these years ttc is still part of me. The hardest part was actually when we were ttc naturally, before we knew there was no chance of success.

I worked at an office where there were 12 women and 10 of them were pg. It was excruciating. Every baby shower and birth announcement made me wonder what was wrong with me. I blamed myself since my job was much more stressful than theirs.

It is weird how sometimes, I could feel happy for other women and other times, I couldn't get out of the room fast enough to go and cry by myself. I still don't really understand why that is.

I've enjoyed being on this board with you so much, Dolly, and I sincerely hope you are wrong when you think you will never be a mommy. And asking why not you is a sign that you are normal and that you still want this for yourself, so keep on and I'll be hoping and praying your next tmt is successful.

Alicia

[wendy30]

Dolly

Don't you feel bad, its human nature and I know I feel like that about people around me that are pregnant or have just have babies.

There's a girl at my work who has just had a baby and to say she doesn't really seem that fussy, never mind grateful is an understatement.

I always try to tell myself its not for me to judge who is worthy and whos not, thats on a good day and on a bad day well your sentiments and more, luckily the good days still outweigh the bad.

Its hard for all of us, I know after we found out we were pregnant after our fifth attempt was amazing but then to lose the baby at 6 weeks just felt really cruel and left me questioning what I'd done to deserve that, I'm sure you feel the same about your circumstances.

I always try to think that IVF has made me a much stronger person, it has convinced me my relationship with DH is strong and amazingly gets stronger every time. At the end of the day the babies we have, and I'm sure we will, are wanted more than anything and will loved so much because we all know how precious a child is.

Hope you feel a wee bit better soon. Are you still looking forward to your fabby holiday?

LOts of LOve

Wendy

[jaye]

Dolly, if you are a bad person you are not alone. I feel the same - and obviously lots of us do. I would love to be unreservedly happy for others who get pg, but I can't. Even close friends. All we can do is remind each other that our reactions are normal be thankful for what we have, no matter how much harder that is to do than to say.
Take care,
Jaye.

[Dolly]

Thank you so much for your kind words - It is great to have support from girls who know exactly what you are going through.

I feel a lot better today - I think seeing her scan pictures just knocked me for six. I hope it wasn't obvious - I would hate her to think that she has to avoid me for the next 8 months.

Thanks again - I don't know what I would do without you all.

Love

Dolly

[Alette]

Oh boy, do i recognize myself.

I JUST HATE WOMEN WHO GET PREGANT WITH LITTLE EFFORT!!!

I will never let them know and hide my feelings but I honestly think every woman should at least AT LEAST ttc for 6 months!! maybe better for 1 year, to just feel a little a little of the dispair what we feel!

I allow myself to ask them if they donate urine for the pregnyl, because I think they are obliged to!

aaaaahhh, this feels good!!!

[Alison]

Hi Dolly - god what an awful situation, and how hard to lose an ally who could really understand what you were going through. You're not remotely a bad person to feel "why her and not me". The one person who I've really become distance from cos of the IVF is someone who was a very good friend and had 2 kids through IVF, both successful first time. Somehow I find myself far more jealous of her than other friends who've got pregnant naturally.

If she's a good friend she'll understand that its going to be hard for you - and she may even feel a bit awkward about her now being PG and you not. If you can I'd suggest one day when you're feeling reasonably strong trying to talk to her and tell her that you're pleased for her, but that its going to be hard for you at times to have such a close reminder of what you've not got.

You're a strong woman Dolly and you'll get through this - but I really don't envy you. Much love

Alison xx

[ANGELA]

Dolly hunny

im so sorry to hear you had a right shite day i just wanted to add my bit and say you are sooooo normal having these feelings
also i have to agree woth wendy on something she said about relationship with dp/dh going through i.v.f brought us so so close at times i spose more near the end egg collection think thats the day i realised how much i actually love him i knew anyway but forsome reason the pain the stress and the tears just bought it all home to me Dolly you are a strong strong lady you will be a mummy stay positive hunny my thoughts are with both you and kev
lots of love Ang xx

[ogr1]

i could have swore that i posted about this.
you are defently not a bad person.
you are humon

i would worry if you didnt feal that way.

i get that way all of the time.
(maybe i shouldnt use my self as an example cause i am messed up)
but that just goes to show how much we want our babies and maybe one day we will be the lucky ones
becy

[Mandy Miller]

Hi Girls.

I am sorry I haven't been around for a while, but I too am having serious problems coping with all this, yet again. It seems so unfair doesn't it. I have asked myself & God (but am beginning to wonder about him) what I have done to deserve all this. I am not a bad person, as you are not either Dolly so why? You are not alone. This is a very good way to vent out feelings, as only we who have been through this Hell can understand eachother & really sympathise as no one else could possibly. I have said that over the last 20 years I have lost 2 brothers & may dad in separate circumstances & now no baby yet again. Life is very unfair. I saw my step-daughter yesterday who has a two year old son. He is a monster to say the least. We think he has the Attention Deficit Syndrome thing. I am convinced half of it is because they feed him on loads of junk food & he has no routine. He goes to bed at different times every night because her boyfriend insists on seeing him when he gets home from working as a Cabbie, so it can be any time of night. She had a miscarriage after Blake, then got pregnant with another boy who was born over 6 months premature in April, only to die 3 days later, but we think it was for the best, as I am sure she couldn't have coped with two of them with Blake the way he is. Now apparently they are trying again, so she tells me. She keeps doing HPT's to see. I find this really hard. I know she has been through a lot too & to lose your baby when it's born must be awful, but I don't feel they should be trying for another, with Blake as he is. I am sure he would harm the baby. It's strange, he is still really affectionate. He gives you a lovely kiss, without being asked when they arrive & go, so he's not all bad, but it is enough to put you off I must admit. If I ever get that far, I am not going to let our child rule us like that. I believe discipline is good. Children need routines. Suffice to say, I am having exactly the same feelings as you & all the rest Dolly. It is perfectly normal. I am so desperate now for our holiday, we are hopefully going the beginning of Oct now, when I get my passport back from being fast tracked this week.

We really should all keep in touch shouldn't we. We need to stick together at this time. I am waiting now till April to see if the Government will give us all one free go at IVF in this country, but obviously will have the pay the extra ICSI costs, but better than nothing, as we can't afford another try otherwise. I am thinking of writing to Tony Blair to ask if this is definitely going to happen. If nothing else, I will feel that I am doing something while I waiting. You feel so helpless & not in control don't you. I have just started going to the Gym last Monday & am going tonight. I haven't felt in control of my body, or my life ever since I started this IVF so it's my way of taking back that control & it does feel good. I am really going to try & improve my body, maybe that will help. Will tell you if & when I definitely do start again & please let me know how you all get on.

I too am fast running out of time & money! I am 38 next month, but really can't face the thought of the rest of my life without a child. I am trying not to think about it. I honestly don't have a clue what I am going to do if that last try doesn't work. For now, I am putting it out of my mind & will deal with it when it happens.

Sorry, have waffled too much, but it brings out all these feelings when we start to think about things doesn't it. As you can see Dolly, you are far from on your own in your feelings.

Love & best wishes to all.

Take care.

Mandy (Miller) xxxxx

[NickyMolly]

Dear Dolly,

Oh lovely, you are really not alone, and I really understand the feelings you are going through and so sorry to hear that your last tmt in August did not bring you the joy - YET AGAIN. Gawd, how many times do I scream "why me???" Is there any a day when I don't stop thinking about.
My chest is so cluttered with "Why me stuff" it needs a good waxing. And the kitchen floor needs a good clean, the number of times I have been scrapped off it!

Try not to get too down. So easy to say but I too have been getting those feelings recently, but remember that you have got pg in the past, and they seem to think that is a good sign. There is time too, though I am 39 and a bit, I feel the old flame is dimming.

I have been away from the boards. We have moved house etc. so have only occasionally caught up with everyone's news, Tracis too. I suppose the story I want to get off my chest, is when I received a card from a school friend. The last time I spoke with her I hinted that I would be doing IVF etc. She then got preg in 3 months, and then recntly, she sent a card to say that she was expecting No.2 in Sept. !! (Had I not m/c I would have joined her). So basically 2 babies in three years. I could not believe her insensitivity. I replied by email, congratulating her (perhaps she could have given us some tips) ...but then (argh) said that the baby news doesn't always bring the expect "aaagh" factor, having gone through 4 IVFs and 1 D&C.

Now I think I have blown it, because I have heard nothing since! I keep wondering if my email got to her!!!

I suppose these days, you really get to know who your friends are, and insensitive cards/comments are simply not needed.

Oh dear, I am ranting.

Take care, Dolly - I am going to try at Sheffield next January, having taken 6 months off. Join you then? (LIve in Surrey)

Nicky