In need of TLC

fiona_lk · Post by **fiona_lk** » Mon Aug 05, 2002 8:54 am

Ok had major bad news on Friday. Some of those who have read my old postings may remember me saying my dh had a child from his last marriage. Since starting on the IVF treatment we've learnt a lot about the likelyhood of her being his under natural conception - slim to none. We know this because they did a strict kruger morphology test on him when we started private treatment and compared this to the normal semen tests he had when he went through IVF with his ex-wife (in the early 1990s). The strict kruger morphology showed 96% abnormal and the early tests showed 'a good proportion noticed with elongated heads'. Conclusion - not much changed in 10 years. Plus, he'd tried for 10 years with his ex, and we've been trying for 4 years and he 'put it around' a bit as a lad with no one getting caught. So, since CSA were hounding for money, set ball off for DNA tests. This has taken over a year to do, and result came on Friday POSITIVE. To say I was shocked would be such an understatement. I was broken. I can't believe that through all this, miracles DO happen - just to someone else! (2nd, less abusive, try at saying that.) My first reaction was that it has just changed everything for the treatment - dh and I don't have the same goal, and even though he has no contact with her since she was 2, he has still 'had a child' - the most important thing in my life to achieve. Luckily, dh has managed to turn me around this weekend and pursuade me he wants a child (which he didn't 'last time') with ME. But I'm still having times of being really down and I'm so scared that I won't be prepared for when we cycle again (hopefully end of this month) because I know I need all the strength I can get. Any kind words most gratefully received. Fi

maggie · Post by **maggie** » Mon Aug 05, 2002 2:37 pm

Hi Fiona, I'm so sorry this has happened to you, it is the last thing we need in addition to all the crap we have to deal with IF and going through IVF cycles. I think that most of us here are after the same goal, to have a baby together with our DH, so I think your dh might be right, that he wants a baby with you. I hope you can get through this and find the strength to get through your next cycle. Hoping that your miracle is just around the corner. Love Maggie.xx

Tee · Post by **Tee** » Mon Aug 05, 2002 5:46 pm

Hi there Fiona, Don't know what I'm going to write to you. Just want to say yikes what a mess I suppose. I'm sure if I were in your shoes I would be gutted at the idea of my hub having already had a child when I want one so desperately with him, and I'm sure you were wishing that the DNA test was negative. Like you say, miracles are always happening for other people aren't they? And your hub is supposed to be on your side and feel everything with you. Not many comforting words so far are there? I suppose what I want to say is that if your hub says he wants to have a child with you, then you have to believe him. I'm sure you feel knocked for six, but you've got to go on because of what YOU believe in, and what YOU want for yourselves. It's a long hard road, and even if you feel your hub can't understand what you feel, remember that we are all here because we go through just the same feelings as you. Well that's all the TLC I can muster, not very good at finding the right thing to say sometimes, but hope it helped a little bit, and hope you're getting through this horrible shock, and finding the strength to battle on. Keep focussed on YOUR life together, and try to put HIS past behind. Lots of love Tee xxx

fiona_lk · Post by **fiona_lk** » Tue Aug 06, 2002 10:34 am

Hi Tee and Maggie, Thanks so much for your replies, and I know you are both right. I think it was such a shock because, even though I had considered the possibility of the DNA results being positive, it seemed so unlikely - almost irrelevant. To top it all off, my best mate at work who has followed and been really supportive during the cycles told me on Friday that she is just over 12 weeks pregnant - the prospect of going into work every day knowing that added to my distress (she had delayed telling me before, because I always seemed to be having such bad luck!). I am starting to get a bit more used to the idea (both) and after all, this disappointment is nothing compared to dealing with treatment failures. Of course got to be prepared for CSA demanding loads of money for year THEY spent in sorting test out - OUCH. But dh is self employed so it is hard for them to make 'too' many demands because luckily they can't 'deduct at source', so he just has to stand his ground with them (and they are right little Hitlers, I can tell you - much worse than the Taxman). Just hoping it won't make too much of an impact on our being able to afford more ICSI cycles. Or, even more positively, hoping by the time they demand money, we'll have paid for a successful cycle and it won't matter - see, getting much better. And my dh suggested I swap chairs with my workmate - it has been known to help. Thanks again, really appreciate your sound advice and have yet another reason to be truely grateful for finding this site and such kind and caring souls to share this rollercoaster ride with. Good luck Maggie with your miracle(s) and hope Tee and I will soon be joining you as 'blessed ones' (not particularly religious - sentance just seemed to flow ....) Good luck also to everyone else out there. Take Care Fiona

Lucy · Post by **Lucy** » Tue Aug 06, 2002 11:54 am

Hi Fiona Thanks for your message regarding Chinese Medicine. I just wanted to say that while doing IVF/ICSI and all around me are other people popping out kids, I think well none of them are what I want. I want a mixture of me and DH because I know what a great little kid that would be. So whilst everyone else has sort of got what I want - they haven't really. Your DH must feel the same about you and you both just want that special combination of genes. So we keep going on this IVF quest to try and reach our goal. Best of luck Lucy

Tee · Post by **Tee** » Thu Aug 08, 2002 8:40 am

Hi Fiona, I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. Lucy's right, every time something seems to go particularly wrong for me, we find out that someone else is pregnant. In the week I got my period after my second cycle, one of my best friends, who was due that week to start her first IVF wrote to say that she was pregnant. They'd been trying for nearly 2 years, she has PCOS, and we really felt like we had an ally, friends who understood us. Anyway, not now! It's very hard to feel happy for others who seem to get all the luck. But we have to just close out all those thoughts, and sometimes those people, if necessary, and concentrate on getting ourselves through it. It's yuck isn't it? Anyway, hope the CSA doesn't clobber you too much, and you get to start soon. Love Tee xxx

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