DEPRESSION - UNDERSTATEMENT!!!

[jayne]

Well Ive not been on the site for a while, just feel like my whole world has crashed down around me.
Found out on 9/10/04 (the heavy period gave the game away) that our 2nd attempt of ICSI had failed and then had it confirmed with a blood test on 14/10/04.
Dont know about anyone else with a negative reading but I feel like such a FAILURE They put 2 healthy grade 2 embryos back inside me on 30/9/04 and I did everything possible to try make them stay (remained positive, stayed calm, relaxed, took time off work, ate healthy etc) and just like the last 7 years, as always I came on. I feel useless.
My husband and my family & friends have all been there for me but now its as though it never happened & my husband tells me not to dwell on it, but the torture of the painful egg collection is still haunting me & I cant believe we went through all that for nothing
Please dont think I`m being selfish, it isnt that, its just I feel that Im not strong enough to go through all that again. Just wish I could cheer up, cant even look forward to Christmas, as if our 1st attempt had been successful the due date would have been Christmas time.
I know there are thousands who also have gone through the whole process without it working, could any of you have a few words of wisdom for a VERY SAD 32 YR OLD.

[Kel]

Hi Jayne,

I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom, only that what you are feeling is completely understandable and that I know exactly how you are feeling.. It is really hard to accept, exactly as you say when you do all the right things, good embryos and rest etc etc and then it still doesn't work it is really hard to accept. I am pretty sure I am just about to have confirmation that my 2nd cycle has failed again, and I don't have anything to 'blame', my first cycle was a bit hit+miss and we only got 2 fertilised so when it didn't work I was able to plan forward and think of all the things that made it not work so to speak. This cycle couldn't have gone better with 2 top grade embies and still af showed up! The only answers that make sense to me is from something I read saying that at a day 2 transfer, although they grade the embryos, they still can't tell which ones will go onto continue dividing and be strong enough to be a viable pregnancy.

I don't know if this helps you much, but for me I have decided for my fet or next go I would definately like to take the embryos to day 5 blastocysts. I know this is a risk that none may make it at all, but I now feel I wouldn't want the agony of the 2ww not knowing if the embryos put back really were the strongest and if none make it to blasts, then the chance is they wont be strong enough to be a pregnancy anyway? Having said this I haven't discussed this with my consultant yet, but I would really like to do this.

I know what you mean about xmas, but also it may keep you really busy leading up to it? I am self-employed and just do not feel like doing any work for a bit, so I find it is going to be a good distraction otherwise I'm just going to sit at home feeling horrid! I hope that doesn't sound like I'm being blase about your feelings, I just think keeping busy is the only way for me to keep sane in these hard times..

Really hope you can feel better soon, I'm always here for a chat if you need one!
Kel X

[debbieed]

Hello there,
Sorry to read your news. It must be awful for you. I know that if this doesn't work for me (currently on the 2ww) I will be a complete mess. It is easy for people to say it will be ok, keep your hopes up for next time etc etc but no-one can really know how you are feeling.
I'm sure that the people supporting you are doing their best, even though it may not feel like it. Just remember that we're here for you and many on here do know how you feel.

Take care and have lots of hugs

Love
Debbie

[Jools]

Hi Jayne

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down, but I do understand, as does probably everyone else who reads your message. If I remember right, were you the one I replied to when you did a message about your painful EC? I had a really painful ET which quite traumatised me at the time, although it seems like a dim and distant memory now. Although I did have a +ve outcome at the end of September, I miscarried 10 days later which was devastating. Although we've been TTC for 7 years, it was our first try at IVF as we both refused to believe that was our only choice for a long time. I think as well, it's hard when the 'doing' bit of it all is over. You've had so much hope from that first injection, and when it's all over, you feel like there's no hope left. I've been off work ever since it happened, but I'm going back on Wednesday. I definitely feel stronger now, than I did a couple of weeks ago, so please give yourself time to come to terms with it. You're not being selfish at all, you're just grieving and it's perfectly normal given the situation. We go through so much and to get a negative outcome at the end of it is one of the worst things in the world. Take each day as it comes, and don't even think about Christmas or anything else until you're ready.

Take care of yourself.

Lots of love, Jools xx

[AMITHIS]

Jayne,

I totally understand what you are going through. I tried IVF for the first time back in April. I was very pessimistic in the beginning about it working but, towards the end I actually started to let my hopes get up. My husband was completely convinced it would work which sort of fueled my hope . AF showed up a day or two before the test and I was devastated. I had been testing myself from Day 4 after the transfer on so I thought I would be somewhat prepared for the bad news but I really had been hanging on to shreds of hope the entire time that I was testing too early or something.

I had a lot of pain after EC as well ( could barely walk for 2 days). I know that many are able to tolerate the whole process pretty well but I had a very hard time with the whole thing. I couldn't believe that, after putting myself through all that and spending so much money, we were no better off than we were to begin with! I always thought of IVF as the last resort. Well, when the last resort doesn’t work, what is one supposed to do? Our insurance doesn’t cover it so, even if we were not limited by my fear of going through the whole thing again, we are limited by finances. We do have some frosties but I’m so scared of letting myself get optimistic again.

I know what you mean about dwelling on where you’d be if it had been successful. It is so strange now that others who were cycling with me back in April and got +ives are now in their 3rd trimester. My SIL is now pregnant and will have the first grandchild for DH's parents. She and his brother were married last year. Meanwhile, we're going on 5 years! No doubt his other brother and his wife will soon follow suit. They got married last year as well.

I’ve been feeling very depressed and anxious as well. It’s kind of like I’m stuck in limbo while everyone else is moving on with their lives. Everyone on my street has children. The last childless couple on the street just had their baby in August. It’s like I watch all of their children getting older and it just reminds me how little time I have left.

Anyway, so much for trying to cheer you up! I basically just wanted to let you know that there are others of us out there feeling the same kind of pain. One of the most difficult things for me is feeling so alone in this whole thing. This board has been a huge source of support to me. I have actually never met anyone in person who is dealing with infertility. If it weren't for all the boards on the internet, I'd think I was the only one! It seems like everyone around me is having children right and left. Others try to be understanding but I just don't think they can possibly know how frustrating this whole thing is or the kind of impact it has on one's daily life.

I wish you all the best. The only advice I can offer is to stay busy and try to do fun things with your DH. Lately, I've just been trying to do as many activities as I can with him that we wouldn't be able to do if had children. I know it doesn't solve anything but at least it helps keep me relatively sane in the interim.

{Staci}

[wendy30]

Hi Jayne

I was sorry to read that you are feeling down, there is absolutely nothing selfish about it, you have every right to feel how you feel. Its really strange but I found my second negative attempt really hard to deal with as well.

I'd like to say it gets easier and I suppose in some ways I've felt it does but I think its that you become a bit more used to it, don't know if that makes sense.

Everyone has their own limit as to how many treatments they can cope with, to be honest I thought I hit mine after 2 but I had an 18 month break before I could bring myself to do anymore, in that time I had a few nice holidays, weekends away, got a new job and moved house, none of these things compensated for not having what I wanted but as Staci said they keep you busy and sane.

Anyway I am waiting to start my 6th attempt hopefully in December, we have had one positive in that time and that was our 5th but I miscarried at 6 weeks, I found that really hard but its also given me a bit of hope that it can work.

You just need to do whats right for you and your dh, whats right for one of us isn't necessarily right for another, especially when there is so much to consider. Its also only natural to think of what might have been as well, I do that often.

You are anything but a failure, it takes a huge amount of guts and determination to go through IVF and at the end of the day its little more than a lottery.

Love
Wendy

[sophiejane]

Jayne,
I too am 32, so really we are lucky that we are still quite young and have several years in front of us to try different options. Some people dont choose to have children until late 30's / 40's anyway.
I too have had 2 failed attempts and am in the middle of a 3rd cycle. I am so scared this go that it will also be negative, and yes like you I have felt like a failure (not only what did i do wrong but always what have i done to deserve this). It gets harder doesn't it each time you get a negative.
I think there is a different time to stop for different people. I have always said 4 full goes (plus FET if I am lucky enough to get some frosties). However I dont really know whetehr I could face this again if this go is negative, and have often thought about adoption or surrogacy.
But take your time as there is no hurry for you to make any decisions about future treatments. IVF negatives are like bereavements and we need time to grieve (be sad, be angry). My dp tells me not to dwell on things, and expects me to bounce back after a negative. I dont think any of us females can do that, but yes it is good to try or else life will be unbearable.
Look after yourself.
From SJ

[nes]

Hi Jayne, How are you feeling?

I'm so sorry to read about your treatment not working. I can't ever begin to imagine what you are going through or how you are feeling, but I hope that you can gain some comfort from the messages on this site.

I'm 25 yrs old, and even though I haven't been trough an IVF cycle yet, that is the only option for me and my dp to have our own child.
I have been having fertility problems for so long that I can't even remember when I wasn't!

I had a miscarriage when I was 19 and even though it bothered me, I guess that I never really knew how much until I was refered to my local hospital for 'further investigation'.

I have currently been off work for the last two months as I had to have both of my fallopian tubes removed. And even though I haven't progressed as far as you have through treatment, I have been feeling so awful and depressed that I can totally say that you are not the only one who feels like a failure.

My dp and I have just been through some really trying times recently and I have been so awful to be around that I can't even being to think how I will feel when I start my 1st IVF cycle ( I'm hoping to start next year ). Knowing how I feel when I haven't even had a failure makes me wonder if I'll be able to cope if it doesn't work. Sometimes I get so emotional, and like you, I sometimes think that I being selfish when I start feeling the way I do, but I can't help it.

I too get all the 'you have to be positive', 'don't dwell on it' but I always end up feeling that know one could possibly know how I feel because they haven't been there... they all have their kids running around, and i'm just the 'aunty' who they go to visit. Sometimes it feels like torture - yet I'm the one who has to smile sweetly and act like nothing is wrong...

My doctor told me the other day that he was going to refer me to a counsellor, in case that made me feel less depressed and helped clear my head a bit... hope it works, cos right about now I feel like I'm going mad...

Sorry, I didn't mean to rabbit on... just having a moan... I just really wanted to say that you're not selfish and feel free to feel whatever way you want to - Don't let anyone try to tell you anything different. Each person deals with situations in their own way - how ever long it may take.
Take as much time as you need until you feel that things are more positive for you - even if that means forgetting all about christmas.

Sorry if I'm making you feel worse. I just hope that however long you take that you do find some comfort and that things start to look a bit more positive for you in the future.

Take care.
Thinking of you.

Nes*
xxx