Just needed to say....

[Tina]

Hi Girls

I am hoping to join you if you don't mind

I have had 4 ICSI, with 2 positives (both silent miscarried at 9 weeks after seeing the hearbeat - discovered during the 9 week scan) and 2 negatives.

I am sinking into some kind of depression whenever I am near to having my AF. I should have a 15 month old and be 23 weeks pregnant with the second, but nothing. And I am very sad about this and also keep asking how we could be so unlucky?

I am not sure we are over IVF yet, whether we will try again or try DIUI - which I am a very sad about as I wanted to have DH's baby. I think that as we had the silent m/c twice at more or less the same point in pregnancy, I think there must be something wrong that hasn't been picked up by my clinic. And if we try again and I get the marvelous BFP, it won't mean anything as it will only happen again!

To be honest I cannot go through the loss again, but also can't seem to give up. I am sure these are all emotions you are feeling/have felt. I seem to be floundering and can't seem to plan for anything - what's the point of planning when you can't have the one thing you want?

I think I am getting bitter and twisted and I really don't want to feel this way......

If you are inviting anyone, then I would love to meet up in London when you have it organised.

At the moment I am working in London though I live in Dorset. This is changing in the new year when I start a new local job. Unfortunately I have a 6 month probation on the new job and it's been a very hard decision as this stops us having treatment for a while and will mean a definite clinic change.

Anyway, if you are meeting before Xmas, I would love to come along.

Take care and I hope you understand how I am feeling - I hope I don't come across as some sort of nutter!

Tina

[Jjj]

Hi Tina, know how you feel. I have had all those feelings about giving up. It can seem like an upward struggle and why? I can never work that one out. But what has helped me most, is this site, coz most the time I hve no one to talk to about the whole infertility thing...but this site has kept me in touch with the other girls highs and lows. It seems to balance things for me in a way, but I still get mad when AF turns up. I respond poorly to drugs for ivf and have blocked tubes, so for me if it happens it will be a miracle...... but I hold on to that...... coz you never know. Baby dust sent to all on the site.... Jjj x

[Tina]

Jjj

Thanks for your reply. I too am a poor responder and we have male factor - my DH has practically no sperm after a rugby accident.

I suppose I am most distressed as we keep getting so close with two pregnancies and two heartbeats, but in the end no child.

Anyway, I just needed to winge because things really got on top of me.

Good luck to you

Tina

[Jjj]

Hi Tina, I have had three Ivf's so far. 1st ivf i produced one egg and cycle was abandoned, 2nd ivf they increased drugs and i produced three grade A. Sadly did not fertilise. 3rd ivf i had was natural and painful when they collected the egg, sadly that did not fertilise either. All funded by ourself as no nhs here at the moment.
Yesterday, me and dh had appointment at hospital nhs to see if we could even just get help with the drugs. The lady was very nice, but there are just no funds there at the moment. Also to add to things they are still suggesting that i have my tubes removed as they are damaged anyway. The right is completely blocked and the left partially blocked but has damage at the ends aswell. I was advised that if the tubes were taken away, then had ivf, if embryo had implanted it would stand a better chance of survival as the tubes when blocked can carry toxins which upset the embryo. So now I am not sure what to do, i feel if i was to have them taken away that is final as my ovaries may not even respond well with high fsh. Sorry to go on....... but then again i have also been thinking about donor eggs, that gives me an option as things are pretty much stacked against me for now. You have had a difficult time too, but do not give up. Just take some time to yourself to make a plan and keep trying. Even though you have been a poor responder your eggs fertilise. There are many girls on this site with highs and lows, some of them get their bfp's and before they know it the baby has arrived. All the best Jjj

[Alison]

Hi Jjj and Tina. Tina, it would be lovely to meet up with you too. I think perhaps it won't now be before Christmas, as I guess that that's a particularly busy time for everyone, but perhaps if we arrange something for a Friday or Saturday you might still be able to make it up from Dorset.

You have been through such a lot, I'm not surprised your feeling unsure what to do next. I completely understand the not wanting to give up, but not wanting to risk further disappointment, and I've "only" had to have the disappointment of negative results, not miscarriages. I had nearly a year between my last negative and trying again with our two remaining frosties (which has now had to be put on hold again), and having that time out has really helped me feel as if my life is back on a more even keel again (although I still have my moments!). So if you can, try to see the next 6 months "off" when you're in probation in your new job as a bit of a break from having to plan your life round treatment cycles.

I suppose that the other thing I've learned is that its OK to be selfish, so if you don't want to put yourself through situations where you know there'll be pregnant women/babies/small children and don't fancy it, make your excuses. You may lose touch with one or two people, but you're real friends will understand.

Jjj, I also understand about the difficult decision on having your tubes removed. I was similar, one completely blocked, one mostly blocked, and after 4 failed IVFs they finally persuaded me to have them removed completely (initially they just clipped one). I still don't know whether or not it was the right thing to do - it hasn't got me the positive I wanted, and I now have no chance of conceiving naturally, on the other hand, if I hadn't had it done I suppose I'd have wondered whether doing that would make any difference.

Alison xx

[Tina]

Hi Alison and Djjj

Thanks for your messages.

Alison - You also have been through an awful lot - I think this whole IF stuff is very difficult and I am quite bitter about it - which I don't want to be. I finally told my parents as they have just got their first grandchild and are visiting her in New Zealand. I asked them to go easy on the photos when they get back. And now I feel really guilty as they have everything to be happy about!

I think I will take your advice and view my 6 months as a rest - but it is very hard because as I have got older through the treatment, i have responded less well. I don't think I am very fertile myself so leaving it just causes this problem to get worse! But you are right, it is really important to focus on something else for a while.

I wish you all luck for your next treatment. I hope I can make the London girls night out - I would like to meet people in similar situations.

Djjj - you have had a really tough time too. I have no advice on tube removal - but I do know of a number of girls on here and another website who have had it done and subsequently got pregnant. It is a difficult decision. I respond poorly, with 10 eggs on my first go (only 3 fertilised), then 6, then 4 and 4. So I never have any to freeze and don't produce great quality either! But as you say, at least I have some to put back and have managed to ger pregnant twice. Just seem to have a problem from then onwards.

Take care

Tina

[Jjj]

Hi Alison & Tina,

Thanks for your replies, things have been hectic at the moment. It would be great to all meet up somewhere at some point. I also can travel to London.

Alison, can I just ask.... when you decided to have your tubes removed did it help with any pain you did or didn't have during the monthly cycle?

Jjj x

[Traci]

If you all meet up Can I come

Trace x