I should be 12 weeks now...

[Jools]

I've just had such a bad week. I would have been 12 weeks on Tuesday, and I'd even made a coded note in my diary at work to announce it, but of course I can't. Tuesday and Thursday were the worst days. Tuesday because I should have been telling the world, and Thursday when I should have had my first scan. The pregnant girl in my office finishes for maternity leave next Friday, and everyone who came through the office kept stopping to speak to her and all I could hear was 'yes, I'm 34 weeks now', 'yes, I'm going to try and breastfeed', 'yes, Steve can't wait', 'yes, I'm dreading the birth bit now'. I lost count of the times I had to disappear to the loo's to bawl my eyes out. I still haven't had an AF since my m/c, so that over 7 weeks now. I gave in and did a hpt last weekend, which didn't give me any surprises, but I just want my body (and emotions) to get back to normal. I really didn't expect this 12 week milestone to hit me this bad, but I feel nearly as desolate as when I first m/c'd. It's all I can do not to cry everytime I check this site and read others success or unsuccessful stories, but I feel like I want to wallow in my misery and can't be bothered to try and be cheerful. I've booked holiday Thursday and Friday next week when 'pregnant girl' leaves, but I've a good mind to call in sick for the next three days. I can't deal with much more (naturally concieved) baby excitement. But then I'll still have to see her again when we all go for our office xmas lunch on 15th Dec, to which she's invited, so everyone will be all over her again and there'll be no escaping it without spoiling it for everyone else.

God..... how much more crap can I feel?

Jools x

[DebraP]

Oh Jools, I'm sorry you feel so down. Your email is so sad. It's easy to say but you may feel better when accepting that this is a natural part of the grieving process. Many of us know exactly how you feel. The friends who realised they were pg as I'd hoped to be back in March have just given birth, I'm truly happy for them but keep thinking 'could have been us too'.

Don't beat yourself up about these thoughts. Be happy for the colleague. You don't know how things will work out for you or her. Have you talked to anyone about this? Most of us have just ploughed into thinking about the next time to help lift our spirits, doesn't always work but does help focus on the future. How supportive is DH? It sounds as if you've huge life upheaval happening anyway. It's a lot to deal with.

Take care and keep posting,
love
Debra.

[Dolly]

Jools, when I read your post I felt really sad. I understand 100% how you are feeling and I have posted very similar messages before.

I have lost 4 pregnancies in the last 2 years (2 ectopic and 2 m/c) and I felt exactly as you do now every time and I still have days when it hits me (dates when they would have been due, would have been 1 etc etc).

Unfortunately there is no magic potion to help and you will have up days and down days. Have you had any counselling? I found that it really helped to talk to someone other than DH and it helped me come to terms with what happened and not dwell so much on what could have been.

I hope you feel better soon. I'm sending you a massive cyber hug.

Take care

Love Dolly

[Alette]

And a big hug from me too.

There are a lot of us ha?

Be sweet to yourself, take good care.

maybe start a diary? I did, it 'helped' to write and write.....

love,
Alette

[Jools]

Thank you Debra, Dolly & Alette for your kind words, and especially to Jill for your PM (I will PM you later from home when I've got more time, I'm sorry you are so depressed, but totally understand). I forced myself to go into work, and it's a good job I did as I'm mega busy. It's been fairly quiet in the pregnant corner, so it's not been too painful today apart from when my eyes are drawn to her pregnant belly when she walks past. God, I'm so jealous .

As I had tmt in Italy, I never got to have any counselling, and as my Dr doesn't want to know I guess I'll have to work through it on my own (or earbash you lot!)

I did start writing (well, typing) a sort of journal before I started my tmt, but so much happened, I never got round to catching up. With DH off sick from work, he tends to hog the PC, and it's not something I want to do for him to read just yet. Maybe when he's fit to go back to work, I'll be able to continue it.

I'd like to send a massive hug and lots of love to Jill, who is really going through hell right now.

Love Jools xx

[Bronagh]

Hi,
I'm concerned that you say your doctor doesnt want to know -have you considered changing doctors?? Its my understanding that in the UK every clinic must offer counselling because of the large emotional iddues people have to deal with.
Even consider finding out who runs the counselling in you area and see if you can refer yourself-it rreally does help.
B

[Jools]

Hi Bronagh

I think it's because I had tmt done in Italy. I don't have a clinic over here, and it's my GP who hasn't been particularly sympathetic. She wouldn't do any blood tests for me (ie. hcg levels), and they wouldn't put me in for an earlier scan when I first went to them with my former BFP. Then I got a filthy look and an incredulous 'why did you have it done in Italy' when I saw a different GP when I first started to m/c. She reacted like I had it done in the third world or something !. Not the best reaction when you're going through hell.....

Oh well, better get back to work.... I keep nearly getting caught!

Love Jools xx

[wendy30]

Jools

Only just saw your post, I think how you are feeling is very natural.

I find I have good days and bad days and there is nothing wrong with missing what you had or would have had, I've kept a diary, I started it the day I got my positive and I still write in it, it helps a bit. Its weird you hope and wish for something so long, you get a taster of what it will be like and then its taken away, its only natural to feel all sorts of things including envy of the girl at your work.

Everybodys different, I try to keep focusing on the good things I have, theres not much I'd swap and as much as I want a baby I wouldn't swap my husband for one.

I've found things a bit easier since having my AF and starting the drugs for my next attempt. We decorated our spare room last weekend, weve lived here 2 years and just left it thinking we will make it a nursery, now its a nice spare room that will hopefully be a nursery! I found that hard and helpful at the same time if you know what I mean.

You have so many things going on in your life at the moment it must be hard.

Don't know what else to say, or if I've said the right or wrong things, sending you a big hug.

Love Wendy