Ectopic Pregnancy

[Lana]

Hie everyone...
Well, finally we know what's going on. After the joy of a BFP and then the fear of bleeding and then the thought that i'd simply miscarried, they found the foetus in my Right Fallopian tube. My baby had a heartbeat. They of course had to remove it urgently, and it had already caused some bleeding in the tube. I feel absolutely shattered. E very single thing that can go wrong in IVF, I've had. I hyperstimulated severely (30 eggs were aspirated), my lining was unco-operative and now this. I just don't feel like i can go on anymore. I'm terrified of trying again because I don't know what more can go wrong, but I'm even more terrified of not trying and not having another precious baby. I just feel heartbroken. No-one seems to understand my pain and my family are telling everyone they see what a "bad time" i'm having, so now I have to be polite to all these peripheral people phoning in with good wishes. I did tell my mother that it's not her pain to tell despite the fact that I am not keeping it a secret. She doesn't see my point of view. I'm feeling desperately alone and shattered.

Thanks for listening. It does help telling someone!
Love Lana

[Alette]

Oh sweetie, how awful for you ....

I understand your point (I do not even tell my family anymore because I feel so alone that they do not understand) and I feel so sorry for you.

How cruel this can be, isn't it?

I think we all here, understand what you are going trough...
big big hug with all my sympathy...

Alette

[Jjj]

Hi Lana, sorry to hear your news. You have had a really difficult time, all I can say is take some time for yourself and dh to take on board what has happened. Sometimes I know that I just cannot bare to talk to anybody about it, we go in a mix of feelings with ivf from wanting to share it with family and also not to share it. I have always tried to keep everything relatively quiet on that front probably because I know whatever happens to me is a 'small % of people' outcome so I know how you feel. Try to let your hurt out, and decide what next. I know that my friends off of the site can only understand me so far, but my problem is not their problem as they have their children. However, the cyber friends here are great, sound off, cry we are here all together, not all at the same stage but all wanting the same things. You take care, be strong, hugs Jjj x

[Sand]

Hi Lana

The first thing is that you're never alone - you've got lots of support and empathy right here on these boards.

You need to make sure you rest, and then rest some more. It will take a long time for you to get over this mentally, but you've got to make sure you let your body start to heal physically, and rest is the best medicine for that I'm sure.

I don't think you can start thinking, yet, of trying again. You need to come to terms with what has happened first - grieve, be sad, then angry .. etc. It will take time, but I hope it will get easier once you've worked through all these emotions.

Sandra x

[Lana]

Hi everyone,
Thank you so much for all the responses. I am having a very bad day. Feel so low and moody. I am very scared about where to from here. Anyway...Take care all.
Love Lana

[Dagny]

Dear Lana

We haven't spoken before but I am what is known as one of this forums veterans - unfortunately.

Your post really struck a chord with me and I could feel the pain and despair in your writing. I am so sorry that you have had this happen to you. After the joy of getting a much longed for BFP and then have it taken away so soon is something that I will never understand. No matter who it happens to.

A lot of us IVF'ers know exactly the pain you are going through right now. There is no right or wrong way to get through this. It is too early to think of trying again even though it is only natural to wonder how it will be. It is also too early to make any decisions on whether to 'give up' or 'carry on'. You need to take some time out and get yourself back on track health wise and mentally - only time will do this for you I am afraid.

My signature will explain a few things about my IVF history. I had severe OHSS on my 1st TMT. I spent weeks in hospital and in so much pain. I seem to hyperstimulate everytime but with close monitoring I get through it - just! I normally get between 35 and 40 follicles and my estradile levels always go through the roof.

My 3rd TMT we got our positive and we thought it would be fine. Our daughter was born prematurely at 24wks last February and died in my arms minutes later. I NEVER thought I would get over it - who could, I thought? But I had to. I had to grieve, bury my baby and look to the future. My next tmt seemed like a biggest hill to climb but I did it eventually. Unfortunately it was BFN.

I got a positive the week before Christmas and we thought again how wonderful life can be. We have since been told that our baby will die - a slow heartbeat was detected and on Tuesday our doctor told us the bad news. I suspect by now the heart has stopped and we will have to have a D&C next week.

Nothing can describe the pain we are feeling right now but we have to take one step at a time. You and me are going through a terribly difficult and traumatic time but please bleieve me when I tell you I does get easier. Then you can make a decision for your future.

I hope my rambling has helped a little bit. I am sorry if I have gone on but I just wanted you to know that there are many of us who know the pain you are suffering and we are here for you. You are not alone honey.

Love Dagny xkx

[DebraP]

Lana, I'm so sorry about your news. It really has been a very, very rough tmt for you.

I'd strongly suggest looking into finding counselling/support. Having family and friends not know how to help is the last thing you need. Ask your clinic for a recommendation, if they've not got one, call other clinics and ask. Is there a South African fertility council or an OB. association or similar? A miscarriage support group might also know of counsellors. There will be people with experience of helping couples who have had difficult treatments and who want support before deciding what to do next.
The grieving is real and you deserve support.

hugs
Debra.

[louiser]

Dear Lana and Dagny

Lana, I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. IVF is so hard itself and to get that BFP and then so cruelly taken away is so heartbreaking. Time will get you through and help you to come to terms with your loss. My twins were born at 33 weeks andmy son died 28 hours later and I had so many people phoning with theit wishes but I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to lock myself away and deal with it myself first. My DH was great and we kept the phone on ansaphone all the time. Don't be polite, just be how you want to be and if you don't want to talk to anyone, dont until you feel ready. We had another go in Sept and it was neg and am currently on 2ww now. Mind is all over the place.
Take care and thinking of you.

Dagny - I can't believe what has happened to you. I am so sorry and upset. You have had to deal with enough upset and to have your little miracle taken away again is so so cruel. My heart goes out to you and thinking of you at this very sad time.

Lots of love
Louise X

[Lana]

HI everyone,
Thank you so much for all your replies and support.
Dagny, I am so sorry that you have been through so much pain. It is unthinkable that people who long for a baby suffer so much, when there are so many other people who abuse or abort or don't really want the children that they have. I struggle so much with these questions of "why?" and "where's G-D?" and the general unfairness of all of this pain. I am trying so hard to think of the meaning of this baby's life in my life, cos for me there has to be a greater purpose in all of this. I just can't find it. I hope that Katelyn brought you the joy of being a mommy and that you have found your meaning in her short life. It is so unfair, but I believe that she is with you in the deepest way, in your soul and in your spirit to carry on living so that you can remember her and bring her spirit to everyone you know.

I can't remember everyone's names who replied to me, but I want to say thank you so much for being there. It feels a lot easier knowing I can log on and have people in this journey with me. It's such a lonely place. Unfortunately, there is not really a structured counselling framework in SA. People don;t really specialise in this work. My DH and I did go see a counsellor 3 years ago with our first IVF. She was recommended by the clinic and was useless. I am really relying on the internet and books to keep me going. I also have a very dear friend who is now 18 weeks pregnant. But she was told that there was nothing more that could be done and after 16 IVF's she's conceived NATURALLY. I am trying to keep focused on the fact that science is not perfect and that there are people around me who ahve it worse thatn me and still fall pregnant. She's been an amazing support and inspiration.

I don't know if other people struggle with this, but I feel like a victim. I'm trying so hard not to fall into that trap of "why me" etc, but there are times when I just can't help it. I went through hell in my last series of treatments, with sorting out my history and my family relationships. My DH and I have been through very hard times financially and emotionallly and the past year was the first where life felt amazing. DH got his dream job, we did a trip to USA to fulfill a dream for me (to see Celine Dion perform in Vegas) and our daughter has been a delight. So trying for another baby was natural and I really believed that we would be ok. I just don't understand why this is happening to us. People say "at least you have one child" and yes that's true. I'm lucky. And I feel guilty for wanting more. BUt the truth is that the longing for a second is no different to the longing for the first. Not for me, at least.

I am going to take time to decide where to from here. I am so scared of investing myself in trying again, but I am longing so much for another baby.
Love and hugs to everyone.
Lana

[debbieed]

Hello Lana and Dagny,
I was so sorry to read your posts. I only hope that all of us here on the boards can be of some help - not much we can do except listen but you can at least know that many here know exactly how you feel.
I know that you will both get through your terrible experiences although you may not think so now. Use all of us here to help.
Take care
Love
Debbie

[nicolamark]

So Sorry to hear that! Remember we are all here for you, even if your family/friends aren't. Hugs going out to you!! x x x x

[Barny]

Hi Lana,

We haven't spoken before but I just wanted to say that I know some of what you are going through. I too have PCOS and my first IVF cycle resulted in an ectopic pregnancy. The last couple of weeks must have been awful for you. One minute thinking you're pregnant, the next being told you've probably miscarried and then finding out it's ectopic. I didn't know whether I was coming or going when it happened to me.

I would give the same advice as the others. Give yourself time to deal with this before you start to think about what to do next.

I felt so cheated after my ectopic and was very scared of going through it all again. So I know what you're feeling right now, as do many others here on the site.

I can also understand what it's like dealing with family. Personally, I've found it easier to express my emotions on here, to people that really understand. Although family and friends mean well, they don't really know what you're going through unless they've experienced it themselves.

Take care,
Love Barny

[ogr1]

life isnt fair and it is so very hard .
there is so much pain and so many whys and what ifs and how come.
people that can go and have 5 or 6 kids and abuse them and have them taken away and adopted out or go to the mental hospitals.

i wish i had some good answers. and i dont have a one..

but what i hold onto in the darkest hour is that
i agreed to come down here for this life and i said that i would beable to do this.. and heavenly is there to help me.

and i know in my deepest heart that god doesnt want us to have this pain and to feel how bad a hearts hurt and how much we long to hold our children in our arms and to feel them drink from our breast. to watch them discover there hand our there feet.
i like to think that my children that have died where perfect little souls so they did not have to stay here on this earth and that one day i will old them all in my arms.. and i will beable to watch them grow and that they will always know nothing but love and tenderness.. i hold onto that i did give birth to perfect children..

by my desk i keep this peom and there is a photo that is with it of a babies hand holding onto Jesus finger and the peom says

little hands held in mine
sweet tender touch ! so brief the time
thy gift of love was given me
before those hands returned to thee.
dear savior, hear my heartfelt prayer.
keep them safe within thy care
until the time thy gift can be-
those little hands restored to me..

love becky

[Lana]

Hi there
Barny-thanks so much for your reply. It's such a relief to have people tell me their experiences. I'm so sorry that you had to go through it too. The sense of loss is unbearable. I keep thinking of this little baby that was mine and my DH's and got taken away from us. But in the 6 short weeks of his/her life, I developed so many dreams for him/her and my other child's (she's 20 months old) lives. I imagined the two in the bath together, playing. ANd running around my garden. And my little girl looking into the crib and saying "baby". I kept telling her "you're going to be a big sister" and she'd say "sistah". I just can't believe how random this ectopic thing is. My baby would be growing and healthy if it had implanted in my uterus and not the tube.

Hi Becky - thanks for the thoughts about how to make sense of all of this. It's so hard having questions and no answers. ANd not having anyone who can GIVE answers! Thanks for sharing the poem.

I hope that everyone is having a good start to 2005 and just know that someone in South Africa is thinking about you and sending you all MAGNIFICENT GOLDEN rays of SUNSHINE to warm your bellies and your hearts!
Love Lana

[dydie]

Hi Lana
I am new to this board and have just read about your pain
I hope this reply finds you feeling a little more positive
I have had a ruptured ectopic which was removed and I was told the other tube is blocked, I went for IVF which turned out negative at the last hurdle, But I have just started the very first stages again after a 4 year break, (screening, bloods etc) and they have told me that my remaining tube is (hydro something or other) "water tube"
I had never been told this before in fact I had never heard of it, but they tell me that having IVF is pointless until I have this tube removed as apparently the fluid builds up and flows back into the uterus, this fluid is toxic to embryos and they will not survive.
I just wanted to tell you this, incase you may be in a similar situation, I am angry that noone told me about this before I paid out £3000 and went through all the heartache of IVF but at least now I know that "maybe" the last go failed for a reason and I can have more hope for the next go.
they can not always spot if the tube is a "water tube" or not so if you still have the other tube remaining maybe you should ask your clinic about this.
I hope you dont give up and I hope all our dreams will eventually come true, good luck
Dydie