About family

Alette · Post by **Alette** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 12:21 pm

Who to tell and who not to tell?

We are very open about over infertility and talk about it to friends, family etc.
It is no secret but we do not shout out loud ..

I notice that specially family is getting more and more problems with it.

They do not ask anymore, they do not inform anymore because they do not want to hurt me.

This hurts me more than I can tell.

Because if they already think it is painfull... this is more painfull to me!

This weekend, and god knows it costed me a lot, I confronted my mum with this.

She started to cry.

I do not ask you for I know it did not work this time ...

If there is one person in the world from who I expected comfort, then it was my mum.
And she did not even bother to inform how our last ivf went....

It was a very emotional talk and I must blame myself too for I apparently do not give the right signals....

Natalie Anne · Post by **Natalie Anne** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 12:49 pm

Hi Alette

sorry to hear your mum has upset you. My mum tells me i talk about ivf too much. I'm obviously boring her! i tell everyone - friends, family and even work before i need to as i want them to understand that it's the drugs making me act like a ***** and not me!!

i also believe that with natural conception, the rule of not telling anyone for 3 months is bizzare. If the worst happens and you miscarry, surely you need the support and understanding of those closest to you??!!

I would talk to your mum and try and get her to empathise. People who have not been through this have no idea of the trauma involved and all you can do is try and explain the processes involved and explain how each stage good/bad/traumatic makes you feel.

You know you have the understanding of everyone on here.
Sympathetic hugs to you
Natalie
x

Lisa O'Sullivan · Post by **Lisa O'Sullivan** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 1:52 pm

Hi Alette

During our 1st attempt at IVF I told nearly everybody I knew. It was obviously all new to us and we thought the support of our friends and family would help. Although they were all very sympathetic they had high expectations of it being successful and this added more pressure to what was already a stressful time.

The very fact that I had to break bad news to everybody and the constant telephone calls added more stress and strain to the whole awlful situation.

We are proceeding with FET next month with an embryo transfer date of 16th March. It will be hard not discussing it with people but I know it will be for the best. Only my husband and I are aware that way if all fails we can grieve on our own without annoying sympathetic phone calls.

I wish you all the look with your treatment and I hope my experience has helped you plan your treatment HOW YOU WANT TO!

Good luck, Lisa (England) :lol:

Sand · Post by **Sand** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 2:48 pm

Hi Alette. My mum's the same, in that I can see she finds it v. difficult to ask me about it / questions etc .. I don't know if she's a little embaressed, or if it's that she doesn't really know the right questions to ask, without hurting my feelings etc ... A difficult one.

Sandra x

Alette · Post by **Alette** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 3:01 pm

But don't you think it is more painfull when everyone is just silent about it, than talking about it?

I do not mind stupid questions, in fact I am used to it.
But that they ask you nothing at all?
This I think is sooo painfull.

Are they forgotten about me?
Better not ask anything than a crying person?

I think I made it very clear.

My mum was very emotional and crying too.

But it worked out well.

Sand · Post by **Sand** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 5:48 pm

It can be both painful and awkward ... but I can understand why she doesn't talk about it / ask me about it.

Sometimes she will ask me one question - I answer - then the subject's changed. It's like, well - we've got that out of the way now ...

I'm pleased you cleared the air a little with your mum.

Sandra x

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 7:37 pm

it is all so very hard.. my mom never understood why we wanted to have our baby.. she was very confused why we would risk so much ..
but she knew when she came and held our son in her arms and rocked him for the first and last time.

how can anyone underrstand ivf if they have never gone threw it...
hell i dont even understand it and all the different emtions that i have gone threw......

that is why this board is so great.. it has been my life line...
i feel human!!!!

becky

julesg · Post by **julesg** » Wed Jan 26, 2005 7:24 pm

Hi all

This web site really has been a life saver for me - we did not know who to tell and who not to - infact I think that has been one of the hardest things. We only told parents and very very close friends so nobody knows and I am glad most days - some days I want to talk about it and then I remember I have you guys

Unfortunatley for me my mum is a midwife which means she knows far too much about it and is very worried for me - especially as I had to abandone the last treatment. She never asks me but I can talk to her about it - after I made her promise not to frighten me with stories. I understand her concern.

I decided not to tell anyone at work - so sometimes I feel bad because I have had to lie about where I have been - I try to get early morning appointments and then I am only a bit late - so they all think I have bad time keeping skills

Had to tell my boss once I starting injecting as it was affecting my work - he was lovely about it though and I even got my promotion before christmas.

Most days I am glad people don't know as I don't want them to not talk about babies or their kids and tip toe round me - and I don't want stories about their friends friend who went through it like they understand. It is sooo true only we really understand no matter how kind or understanding someone is

Love to all
Take Care
Julie

sophiejane · Post by **sophiejane** » Wed Jan 26, 2005 7:49 pm

Allette,
It must be hard for you, as I know I get annoyed at my Mum for asking too many questions, but know that I would be devastated if she tried to ignore it .. especially as it is the most important thing in our lives. IVF rules everything when you are going through it and I know that I certainly needed people to stay positive for me.
So I understand that you muts be really hurt and angry at your family and maybe you need to tell them how much it is costing you emotionally and that you need to have your family behind you ... has your Mum ever come to a clinic appointment with you. I brought my Mum along to one and this made it all a bit more real for her.
I really hope it gets better and that your Mum becomes more positive for you.
Good luck for your next treatment.
From Sophie-J

debbieed · Post by **debbieed** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 6:48 pm

Hello All,
Last time we told people who needed to know (my boss etc) and a few close people, including my Mum and Dad. My Mum has been fantastic, as she is a retiired nurse she even gives me my injections! Poor Dad just doesn't know what to say or do. He really can't understand why the hospital can't make sure that it will work!
This time we've told fewer people as it was difficult when the last attempt failed. Lets hopw we will all soon be able to give our loved ones good news so our dilemas will be solved

Love
Debbie

JaneR · Post by **JaneR** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 9:02 pm

Hi,

We decided only to tell a few people, those close friends that knew we had been trying for a baby and DH's sister who is a nurse. We have had lots of support from all of them.

We thought it best not to tell our Mums as we didn't need the extra pressure of producing the longed for grandchild. But my Mum is so insensitive, I don't know if she even thinks we want children because she keeps telling me I should get a hystorectomy and she is glad I don't have kids because she can't cope with them anymore. My brother has aksed her over for Christmas this year and shet keeps saying she doesn't want to as he has kids and they are too noisy where as I don't have any which is better for her.

Anyway the moral of my tale is i think mothers can be insensitve what ever they know or don't know.

I'm hoping I will have a baby by next Christmas coz she won't want to spend Christmas with a sreaming brat!!!!!!!!!!!!!:twisted:

Love,

Jane

lindy · Post by **lindy** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 5:40 pm

Alette,

Sorry to hear about how you feel about your mum's lack of support. Even though you tell your family about ivf they really don't understand what its actually like to go through such an emotional rollercoaster. After all the worry over the last 8 weeks I finally had to have surgery on Wednesday to remove the remainder of the failed pregnancy. My HCG rose to around 20,000 but the embryo never fully developed and the food sac was causing my hormones to rise. When I told my Mum she just said " Oh well, years ago women used to go back to work the next day after an abortion, and get on with life. You can always try again can't you?". I had decided early on that I would be very careful with what I told her, as she is always so negative about everything. She will never understand, but I feel that this situation just reflects the poor relationship I have with her anyway. I have never gone to her for help in the past. I really wish that she was more supportive, but she's not going to change so I really find these message boards so supportive instead.

At Christmas I knew that my pregnancy wasn't quite right at the time and there really was little hope of things working out ok. But, on Christmas day with all the family round, not one of them asked me how I was feeling? I felt that I was just there in body and not in spirit. It was for me the worst Xmas I've ever had. After I cooked and ate the lunch I felt in so much pain and upset I went upstairs away from everyone for a couple of hours. When I came down I just told everyone that I'd got tummy pains from all the food. My dh tried to help a little, but no-one else bothered to say anything, as if it can't be talked about. I now realise that the longer the family knows about the infertility things the less they wan't to talk about it. No-one wants to ask for the fear of upsetting us I suppose.

I really hope that you continue to talk with your mum about how you feel and that she in time will be able to support you more, as it sounds like you may have made some progress already. Trying to be more positive for you, and needing to be strong for you, to give you encouragement for the future will be vital to your relationship with her.

I hope everything works out for you, you deserve it!! You have a great deal of determination and you have certainly supported the rest of us on the message boards.

By the way, how is your puppie!!

Love Lindy

DebraP · Post by **DebraP** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 9:47 pm

I always say I have a great relationship with my Mum, which I do but I've noticed that she's quick to dismiss things she finds upsetting or difficult. Sandra and Alette, we appear to have these things in common too.

She does try but it's nearly always on the phone so it's easy to go wrong. She can also blurt out ridiculous stuff in an effort to try and help but avoiding getting in too deep. Last time, when our defrosting failed and I called to say our final tmt hadn't gone ahead, she could obviously tell I was very upset but chose that moment to tell me I couldn't give up as one of her thinks-she's-a-semi-psychic friends told her I'd have two daughters one day. Well you know what? That really, really doesn't help at all.

I'm sure most mean well but maybe this is just too much for Mums to bear?
Debra

Sand · Post by **Sand** » Mon Jan 31, 2005 5:16 pm

I think you've hit the nail on the head, Debra. I really do think that my mum would love to sit down and talk about it, but just can't. It's a real shame, 'cause I know she would like to be more involved.

Sandra x

OrlaC · Post by **OrlaC** » Mon Jan 31, 2005 9:58 pm

Hi all

Lindy and Alette good to hear you are still about. Lindy sorry to hear about waht you went through hope you are ok, Aletter hope you are keeping well too.

I think the whole fertility issue is such a minefield, who to tell who not too. We told close friends, family and our bosses. We felt is was necessary so then they would be a bit more sensitive towards us, with my boss i fellt i had to tell him since i was going to be off for two weeks. I didnttell my collleagues therefore i ending up lying to them about why i was off, i told them i had a minor op and was off longer than expected. Its hard to know what to say next time round.

AS for family sometimes they are more open than expected but this can also be a bit much as sometimes we are out for meals and the conversation revolves around our infertility sometimes you just want to get away from talking about it.

The hardest time i found was when we found out we had problems and my sister was pregnant everything was about the baby whilst DH and i sat there feeling so low. At times like thar family and friends can be quite insensitive but i also think i suppose peeople cant walk on eggshells all the time because of our problems.

I was quite shockewd when i went to my doctor and found out i had low progesterone she commented that children were hard work and sometimes she wished she didnt have any - how horrible is that!!!

How do the rest of you cope with the " When are you going to have children? question. I am getting this quite often at work because a colleague and a clleagues wife are pregnant at the minute so i am the only childless person in my dept.

I think people who have not been in our position will every fully understand or know what to say that is what makes this site so great having other people who do understand.

Sorry for going on abit.

Hopr you are all doing ok.

LOve

Orla

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