Im scared...

Helen · Post by **Helen** » Sun Oct 13, 2002 7:45 pm

Hi all, Havn't been on the site for a while, I have been trying to focus on other things....but its not easy is it! I am usually a hard headed matter of fact type of girl, well not at the moment..Im far from it. I am 5 days into puregon injections and I feel ok, my insides feel a bit wierd and I have a few tiny bruises but all in all healthwise I feel much better than I thought I would. The worst thing seems to be this wierd feeling of dread all the time, I am quite scared and wish this would all just go away....I cannot stop thinking about things, and its driving me nuts. I have a scan on wednesday and if my timing is right, I should go for EC around the 22nd of this month, I am probably going to ask my doc to sign me off for a few days as I am starting to get really wound up by the smallest thing and I would hate to shout at someone and make a tit of myself...Im all over the place!! My poor dh just goes about his day asking if Im ok and making me tea he looks ok but I think he is feeling the strain a bit.....All we want is a baby, just one. I know Im not alone and there are probably loads of you feeling the same, this is such a difficult time and no one close really understands. Im sorry to be so gloomy....Im just not coping very well. Helen.

Alison · Post by **Alison** » Sun Oct 13, 2002 9:39 pm

Hi Helen, sorry you're feeling low. I was struck by your description of yourself as a matter of fact type of girl, which is exactly how I'd describe myself - except where the IVF is concerned where its just not possible to be completely calm all the time! Even without all the hormones we're being pumped with you'd have to be a robot not to be affected! For me the dread thing is the fear of it not working again (and I haven't even started on the drugs yet, still waiting to be told I can start sniffing, hopefully some time next week.) Anyway, just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and wish you luck for the weeks ahead. Love Alison PS Are you the Helen who was cycling on the other board last June-ish who'd had the chemical pgs and was thinking about doing different things this time? If so I'd be really interested to know what you're doing differently as my last time was a chemical pg.

Michelle · Post by **Michelle** » Mon Oct 14, 2002 8:29 am

Dear Helen and Alison I totally understand how you both feel. I am also normally a level headed and organised kinda girl and at the moment I am all over the shop with emotions and I haven't even started sniffing! On the one hand I'm too scared to get excited in case it doesn't work and on the other can't bear the thought of it not working. I am extremely nervous, sensitive and wary of the whole process (especially as this is my first time). We've decided to tell nobody except our families that we are doing this and I hope that when I start the drugs they don't affect me too much so that work/friends notice. If I was giving advice to an outsider I would say try not to think about it too much, have positive thoughts and try to get on with your life as normally as possible - except I am not an outsider and I'm not doing any of that! I start sniffing this Wed 16th....and e/c should be around 18th Nov if all goes well (seems like bloody ages away). I'm sorry I can't really offer much help except for support in saying that we all understand and are in exactly the same boat. Use this board to moan (I'm sure I will once I start the drugs) - we are the ones who understand best! Love Michelle xxx

beck · Post by **beck** » Mon Oct 14, 2002 9:04 am

morning alison michelle & helen, well im on my 1st cycle and i was all over the place..........at the begining i was tearful and kept shouting at hubby for no reason,i knew i was doing it, but couldnt stop myself !!!( this was on my down regging ) once i started stims i was ok !!! so hang in there girls we go through alots of emotions.....and for us to do this we must be strong people!!!As for the negative thoughts i was the same.....so your not alone. well im now ready for e/c which is tomorrow.....i had my late night injection last night so today is a drug free day WAHOOO!! keep posting girls beck xx

Michelle · Post by **Michelle** » Mon Oct 14, 2002 9:43 am

Beck Wishing you loads of luck for your e/c tomorrow. Love Michelle x

tshepher · Post by **tshepher** » Mon Oct 14, 2002 12:41 pm

Hi all I think the one thing we learn from this business is that it's far from being an exact science and whatever you feel is OK. No one can tell you it's wrong or right and you have to find your own way through it although there will always be someone on this site who totally understands and doesn't judge. All I would say is that I take very little notice of anyone who hasn't actually been through it or who isn't up to their neck in it like us. It's amazing that at work we can portray ourselves as being totally in control, and no one would actually guess what's going on yet just under the surface is an emotional wreck . I don't know about you but I seem to spend so much energy on trying to appear "normal" or not taking it out on anyone else. Beck, Good Luck for tomorrow and Helen I'll hopefully be down for E/C on the 28th so at least you'll have one 2ww buddy in part. Keep smiling and remember that the one thing we all have is hope and until I'm told emphatically otherwise, I'll hang onto that thought. Hugs to all xx Terri.

Helen · Post by **Helen** » Mon Oct 14, 2002 6:22 pm

Hi all, Got to work this am and one of the girls said gosh you look rough are you ok? And I just burst into tears....I have never done that before in my life, at least not in front of any one (except dh)and it took ages to stop crying, snot all over the place there was!!! Anyway I now feel a little better, just letting go and sobbing like a baby has made the world of diference...I feel so much lighter its wierd...but great, I totally recomend it. Its such an alien thing as we are not ill but we are not right either, and sometimes I wish I hadnt told anyone then other times I feel like shouting "Im having IVF, give me a cuddle or something!!!" It helps to know Im not alone, thankyou to you lot for caring. Goodluck for 2morrow Beck, I hope its not to uncomfortable. Allison, this is my 1st IVF so Im not the one from last year sorry, but best wishes to you and Michelle for when you start sniffing!. Good luck to you Terri, lets hope things work out for us all.... love to you all...Im feeling a little more +ve now, Helen x x

Alison · Post by **Alison** » Mon Oct 14, 2002 9:39 pm

Hope your e/c went well Beck, and glad to hear you're feeling better Helen. I finally got the go ahead today that I can start sniffing tonight (dh is really looking forward to my menopausal mood swings!) so I guess I'll be cycling somewhere between Terri and Michelle, although if the pattern's similar to my previous times I'm hoping that I might get to e/c a week or so earlier than 18 November. I'm taking as a good omen for all of us that the two women I spoke to at the clinic this morning who were also waiting for scans had both already had a child each through IVF! Alison

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