What about the husbands?

mo_jo · Post by **mo_jo** » Wed Oct 16, 2002 10:04 pm

Hiya everyone, Thought I would start another wee topic. When we think about it I know we go through all the physical side of IVF etc. but I really feel for my husband as us women we all come here to help each other, by talking and sharing our experiences with each other, but what do the men have? Although it is more draining on the woman I think it would be even harder for the men as they have no one to open up to really like the way we women do. Have any of your husbands ever came to this site and tried to find a guy that they could talk to that was going through the same emotions? Or are they trying to be like most men and be strong for us? It just seems to me that in all the years that I have been doing IVF I have never heard of a man being affected by the experience as the way a woman does. Is it just that they don't open up? Or do they see no point in it - would love to hear your views. hope to hear from u all soon, mojo

fiona_lk · Post by **fiona_lk** » Thu Oct 17, 2002 9:07 am

Hi mojo, God, my husband feels it! After 7 failed donor IUI attempts last year we had to make the decision of donor IVF or ICSI with dh's sperm. Unfortunately, around the same time a battle with the CSA came to a head - they sent a demand for over £3,000 (to be paid immediately) and flatly refused to take account of a DNA test request following a report from our infertility Dr that the chances of his daughter actually being his was slim to nothing (he has 96% abnormal sperm). My hubs flipped - he became so convinced that I'd be better off without him that he went AWOL for over 2 days - of course I flipped then too. Having said all this, he came back, the day he left the CSA agreed to the DNA test (which was eventually +ve - so he's already had one miracle) and after some time of sorting ourselves out, we are stronger now than we have ever been. When he can, he lurks in the background when I'm in the chatroom (sorry if that sounds purvy - its not meant to be:) and I tell him about the discussions we have on the site, so in-directly, he's being supported by this too. Anyway, rambled enough, hope this helps. Take Care Fiona xxxx

tshepher · Post by **tshepher** » Thu Oct 17, 2002 11:07 am

Mojo Spooky, only yesterday DH was asking me if any hubbies visit the site. We agreed that they probably "lurk" or rely on us to give them all the updates but wouldn't dream of invading our space. They see the results of the injections etc when we are letting rip with the hormones, but on the whole it can never be as intrusive for them as it is for us. I think women are generally more used to dropping their draws whenever they see a doctor (especially by the time you get to IVF), but for a bloke to have to "perform" on demand when everyone knows what they are doing must be horrible,not to mention embaressing. DH has even had some frozen in case he can't deliver under pressure on the day

My DH has been a tower of strength and I think the whole experience has only brought us closer together. I know he definitely feels the sadness because all of his friends are dads now, even the die-hards who said they never wanted to be. Shame of it is, he would make a grat dad as well !! Sometimes can't help feeling guilty that it's my fault some how, even though we've been told there's no specific cause but I can't help it. LOL Terri xx

Nel · Post by **Nel** » Thu Oct 17, 2002 12:01 pm

Hi Mojo Being relatively new to this site I was telling my husband about it and he thought it was a great source of information and support. He wanted to know if men leave messages on the site, but as far as I can see it's only us girls who use it (unless there are men out there using an assumed name!) I think we should encourage our other halves to use this too, afterall, it's just as stressful for them. Best of luck with it all Nel

Zoe · Post by **Zoe** » Thu Oct 17, 2002 6:35 pm

Hi Mojo, Thought I'd respond to your question here as it ties into this topic. My situation is that we've been trying for 3-4 years and only after various investigations were told that my hubby has "male factor infertility". I'm basically OK. That's why we were recommended for ICSI. My hubby feels like its all his fault I have to go through this, though I try all the time to persuade him I don't mind at all, after all I want his child too. He's been a fantastic support throughout, coming to all the scans and procedures etc. Don't know much if he would want to discuss the whole process with other men - I'll have to ask. Hope you are well. Zoe