Both SIL's are now pregnant.....

[AMITHIS]

Hi all,

I haven't been on the boards since my FET failure in Feb. I was traveling a lot with DH and just trying to keep my mind off the whole infertility issue (not that it's really possible since life seems to be full of reminders).

Anyway, my DH just told me that he found out yesterday that his older brother's wife is now 3 months pregnant. I am struggling not to cry. She is 40 so they didn't want to tell anyone until she was past the high risk time for miscarriage. He has 2 brothers. The younger one's wife is also pregnant right now and probably due within the next 2 months or so (I don't know for sure because no one in his family dares talk to us about it). Both of his brothers got married this past year. DH and I will be having our 5 year anniversary next month.

I just can't believe this is happening. I don't want to feel bitter but I really can't help myself. His mother keeps telling us about 2 of her friends daughters who were successful after multiple tries. The thing she doesn't seem to grasp is that her friends daughters come from families that have millions. We are a slightly above average income couple. Even if I could withstand doing multiple IVF's (which I dont' think I could), it would drive us into complete debt. Basically, I think she's trying to give us hope but all it's doing is making me feel like it's my fault for not doing more IVF's.
Even if we did or could, there is no guarantee of success as many of you know first hand.

I don't know how we will ever possibly deal with any family functions with all of them. It was bad enough dealing with the thought of one but now both of them at the same time?

To add to my misery, when I told DH that we may just have to start seriously pursuing the idea of adoption, he told me that he does not want to adopt. In the past, he had indicated he was willing to consider it. Now, for some reason, he's closing the door on that option.

We have one more attempt left with frozen embryos but, honestly, I have very little hope that will work as they are from the same batch that nothing has worked from.

I really just feel in my heart that we are never going to have children and I am just not sure how to come to grips with it. Will I ever get past the point of feeling like I'm going to start crying when I see people with their kids at weddings, etc.? Will I ever be able to look at a pregnant woman without having it ruin my entire day? And, will I ever be able to get through family functions where everyone else is there with their kids?

Help.

Staci

[randa2006]

Staci,
There are women on these threads that live what you are living. I know they will be able to comfort you because they understand.

I'm too new to this. So all I can say is that my heart hurts for you and your dh.

I pray you come to terms with your delay in becoming a Mother and find peace somehow.

[Sand]

Hiya Staci .. Good to hear from you !

Gosh, it must feel like everyone in the world is pregnant bar you. The way I have to deal with it is to tell myself that they've that every right, and hope if it was the other way round, they wouldn't feel bitter about me. Don't know if this makes any sense to you.

Pls don't feel so glum about your remaining frosties. Most FETs are from the same batch as a first unsuccesful fresh ET aren't they (apart from where someone has overstimmed and they've all been frozen) ? So, if your train of thought followed through, there wouldn't be any successful FETs, would there ?

Chin up Staci ..... Have you any thoughts on when you might cycle again, or are you going to have a decent break between cycles ? Feb wasn't that long ago.

Sandra x

[CarolineP]

Staci

My feelings go out to you at this difficult time - it is never easy seeing other couples success and you feel like you are stuck in quick sand and sinking slowly.

My DH and I live by knowledge that as long as we are together then the future remains bright. If we have children it will mean that I will give up work and my DH will have to work well passed his retirement age and money will be very very tight (luckily it costs nothing to love a child). If we are not successful in having children then will we both work until retirement (hopefully a little earlier if investments are successful) and we will grow old together without any regrets and that we tried everything in our power to become parents.

We have no control over my biological clock and we are never optimistic/ pressamistic but realistic of our chances of becoming parents (approx 6% for us according my Dr).

IVF is both emotionally and financially crippling but you have to use all manor of coping skills (especially this board) to get you through this.

It does not bother me who is pregnant whether family, friends or strangers in the street - none of them have a DH like mine!

Keep talking to the boards and everyone will empathise, comfort, support, make you laugh/cry until you are strong enough to face your SILs and be a fantastic auntie to their kin.

Caroline P

[taylorjools]

Hi Staci

I can sympathise as my sister has been pregnant for ages. She had my nephew (now 9 months) and then got pregnant straight away with nr 2 due in July. It did my head in when I heard about her first pregnancy, as we had had failed IUI earlier that year and then been told after more tests that DE was the only possibility for us.

For ages I couldn't talk to her, I sent a card whne he was born, but actually out the phone down on my mum when she was talking about him. I have been in therapy for severe depression for 1.5 years and am now much better. In Feb this year I went over to the UK (we live in Germany) and met him. Now I love him as a person and try to separate that from our wish to have children.

DH has 2 children from exwife who I have helped to raise (they live with their mom) in the best way I can, and I am proud of the result, as teenagers they love cioming to visit and we email and chat online all the time.

The only thing you can do is talk to others in similar situations, and consider counselling / therapy - it helped me, but I left it so late that I was really ill (anorexia etc) before I got help.

Special love and courage to you

BigJ

[AMITHIS]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Now I remember why this board has always been so invaluable to me. There is not a single person in my everyday life who seems to really understand how I feel when things like this come up. I try talking to my sister or mother only to have them say stupid things like "when you stop being bitter, start relaxing and the time is right it will happen." I know they mean well but ARGGHHH!!!
I can't really talk to DH about it. I mean he is bothered too but deals with it in a different way. He doesn't like to talk about it.
And, as far as friends, it seems like I have fewer and fewer as the years go by as a result of our moving so many times and the ones I did have being involved in their growing families.

Anyway, I am really thankful that I can sign on here and there's like a whole community of women who know exactly where I'm coming from and actually say things that are helpful and insightful. It's one of the few sources of relief I have.

BigJ,

Thanks for sharing what you've gone through. I had eating disorders in my past (hospitalized for anorexia) and sometimes feel like I'm on the verge of relapse with the stress of all this. It's tempting to revert into the mentality of viewing my weight as one area of life I can exert complete control over. So far, I've managed to keep it together but it's a struggle. I have considered counseling. I wish I could find a support group or something with other women dealing with infertility but there is nothing near where I live. I'm glad you are doing better!

Caroline,

Thanks for your positive outlook. I know I should focus on how lucky I am to have my DH, health, etc. Some days are easier than others....

Sand,

Your message made perfect sense. Thank you!
I'm not sure what I'm doing next. The letter I received from my clinic addressing the last failure wasn't real helpful. They basically suggested redoing every single test we had done in 2003 and doing another Hysteroscopy (the last one I had done was in August and it was fine). That means more money and more time. I think I'm going to have to start looking into other clinics. I may stick with the same one for the FET just for the sake of convenience but, if I can get the nerve to do another fresh cycle, I think I'd need to try a different clinic. Unfortunately, there are only 2 others within easy driving distance. They are both smaller but I was surprised to find their success rates are actually better than the clinic I'm presently using (should have done that research before the IVF).

Randar,

Thanks for your thoughts as well...

Anyway, I'm heading out to do some shopping in an attempt to stop dwelling on things.

Staci

[DebraP]

Hi Staci....what's the expression? that which doesn't break you, makes you stronger? that might be the only way to cope with 2 pg sils - which I agree is a lot to take on. That or decide to bow out of family functions for a while. Sounds dramatic but not if that works for you both. Being realistic, family get togethers will now be completely dominated by the news and then babies. We wouldn't wish it any other way but it might be something you decide to avoid for 12m? just an idea..

hugs
Debra.

[harri]

HI Staci, I read your message and it made me really sad becuase I know exactly how you feel. My sister in law and my best friend are both pregnant - i found out about my sister in law the day we found out our first IUI had failed and my best mate the day after! My other best friend fell a week later but tragically lost it. Everyone in the world and even on tv is pregnant at the moment but you know what, I just keep thinking that when they have had their kids, i'll have the babies that everyone will coo over!! there's will be all grown up. We are about to start IVF and I 'm scared stiff it won't work and I will be faced with what to do. The clinic say to decide how many cycles you're going to have and stick to it, but it's such a difficult decision. My dh is great and says that as long as we have each other he'd be happy not to have kids if we can't have our own (as he doesn't want to adopt either). I found this really hard to deal with because I would adopt but I think he's coming round to it more now - we were both so adamant IUI would work that I suppose he thought it wouldn't come to that. Perhaps your dh is still hoping you will have one of your own and if you decide you can't go trhough anymore treatment and he realises adoption is the only way, he will probably come around.
my heart goes out to you - life is so unfair at times but try to stay positive, i do believe a lot of PMA goes along way. lots of love x

[rajiravi]

Hi Stacci,

After i read your mail, i felt so sorry for you and I completely understand how you feel. Be glad that you have such a understanding husband and a great site like this who completly understands what you are goin through.
We have been trying for our second for 2 yrs and so far no luck and this feb I had my second ivf and this one turned -ve and my bad luck that doc. is saying we can have one more attempt and thats it. no more ivf.
Its so upsetting. I too feel weird when i see pregnant women and ladies holding their new born.its so sad.
But one thing i did realise is that stress is not going to help me. i went to the amazon website and look for infertility books and dvds. i purchased a yoga for infertile women and just waiting for its arrival. very earger to strat the yoga. not that the yoga is going to make me pregnant, but for the fact that it will give me some relief from stress and anxiety. I am loosing hope in my self that I will be able to conceive again. But will pray for the best.
Why do try doing some stress releif exercise for some comfort.I really feel for you and will keep special prayers for you
love
Raji

[Mia]

Staci,

I only just read your original message, and I am sorry you are having a hard time right now. I have two brothers who currently have small children, but none pregnant right now. I think if I had people in my family getting pregnant right now it would crush me. I can barely deal with seeing perfect strangers pregnant.

Since we are speaking of family, on a much sillier note, my little brother's girlfriend is quite young (23), so instead of being angry with her for being so fertile (she fell pregnant on accident and now they have a toddler), I look at her and think "my I bet she has a nice uterus-- my embies would be very happy in there". As the reality of 34 settles in I am getting use to looking at young women and fealing jealous of their skin, shape, etc. but it is very strange to feel envy toward another women's uterus! I admit, however I I uterus envy.

Infertility is so completely unfair, but I do not need to tell you this. It makes it even harder when there is so many people who do not understand. As far as your husband is concerned, it sounds like he has mixed feelings. When you figure out how to talk to your husband about adoption, however, let me know. Of course, you know I am doing very poorly in that department.

I hope you are feeling a bit better right now, and I hope you have a Happy Easter. Please do not stray that far away from us again. I very much value your post and missed you will you was gone.

Mia

[taylorjools]

Hi Staci wanted to pop back and see how you are..

I have overcome the eating disorder and now even managed to give up smoking (4 weeks now) which is the way I have chosen to prove I can control my body, and at 42 now try and reduce anything I do that ages me...

At the beginning (12 years ago) dh didn't want more kids (has 2 from ex) and had vasectomy so I thought that was that, then slowly he came round and hjad a reversal, w tried IUI and then found out about my POF. We never even got to IVF. The while I was ill this last year, we discussed it a lot and he realised hpow important it all is to me to have a child for our family, and so we are using donor eggs. That just to say there are alternatives to adoption that dh might find easier to accept, and also to say that dh's take time to come round but they usually do eventually. The secret is to keep feeding the love that you have and keep that in focus (easy to say I know....)

love bigJ

[alicia]

Staci!

I was just searching for posts from you to see where you had gone and I found this thread. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this incredibly difficult and awkward time with your SILs. I can't imagine how painful it must be. I had a terrible time when all of my friends at work were pregnant.

Please don't feel bad about the frosties. I was convinced my FET would not work, because they take the best looking embies for the IVF and that ended in early miscarriage. I remember looking at them in the microscope before ET and thinking that they just looked awful and there was no hope. But as you know, that's not how it turned out at all. Still, it will be a good idea to change clinics. I have a friend who had 3 unsuccessful IVFs at our clinic, changed to another and has B/G twins now. So it may just be that their process isn't working for your particular case.

About adoption - DH and I fought this one out for a long time. I really wanted to adopt and he didn't. It is common with men, it seems? It was particularly heartbreaking for me because I so wanted a fallback option in case the treatment did not work. I still think about adopting a little girl one day. I tried to take everything one day at a time. Some days were better than others.

Sorry for the long post. I've missed you and hope things work out without too much stress for you and DH.

Alicia

[taylorjools]

hi ladies on this thread

just to say that my sister's SIL had a baby girl yesterday...it hurt me like hell but what I can say is that it was so sweet that they thought to email photos to us...my sister took 3 weeks to do the same thing...

grey clouds and silver linings..

bigJx

[AMITHIS]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all your messages. I just got back from another business trip with DH so I'm a little behind reading posts again. Traveling with him has been helping in the sense that at least I'm not left sitting at home alone dwelling on things.

Harri,

It sounds like you definitely know what I'm going through but you are doing better with keeping a positive attitude about it. When will you be starting your IVF cycle? I wish you the best of luck!! I just started reading a book right now that I kind of wish I had read before my first IVF as it contains lots of useful information. It's called "The Infertility Survival Handbook" by Elizabeth Swire Falker. It might only be available in the US ... not sure about that.

Raji,

Sorry about your last cycle. I took your advice and ordered a few books about infertility. One of them deals with living childfree. I'm not giving up yet but I think I think I have to start working on viewing life as about more than just having children. Right now, I sort of feel like it will be the end of the world if we can't and I have to get out of that mentality because, realistically, we just might not be able to. I've tried yoga but, not being a flexible or coordinated person, it didn't go very well!

Mia,

So happy to hear from you! I have missed being on the boards. I do wish there was a thread for those of us who are in between treatments. Sometimes I'm not sure where to post and feel a little self centered making new threads all the time! I totally understand your "uterus envy"!
My DH's younger brother's wife must be in her mid twenties. I knew she would probably get pregnant before long so that wasn't a total shock. His older brother's wife (who is 40 something) getting pregnant that quickly was a bit of a surprise though. It's hard for me to believe that here we are dealing with male factor infertility yet both of DH's brothers seem to have no problem whatsoever. Ironically, they had both been a little worried when they found out about DH so maybe that's why they started trying so soon after getting married?! Regarding the adoption issue, it really doesn't look good. I casually brought it up again thinking that maybe DH was just in a bad mood the other time, but he shot the idea down right away again. I think it may have something to do with his brothers all being on their way to having their own children now. Maybe he doesn't want to feel like our child is the oddball when go to family events, etc.?? I honestly am not sure why he changed his mind about it and he starts getting angry when I bring it up so I guess I'm just giving up on the idea unless, by some miracle, he brings it up himself one day.

Are you thinking of doing your FET anytime soon or are things still undecided?

Taylorjools,

I'm not sure if I could even handle getting photos of a new baby right now. I'm really in a bad state over this whole thing. DH asked me to pick out a gift to send to his cousin's new baby (yes, another one!) but I don't think he understands how hard it is for me to look at baby gifts!
The only option my DH seemed willing to consider was using a surrogate for our embryos. The problem is it's extremely expensive (I've been reading over $ 80,000) plus the clinic has yet to find any identifiable reason why I don't seem to be getting pregnant through IVF.
So frustrated!!!

Alicia!

How are you? I was just thinking about you and Paige the other day. I will have to check out the other side and do some reading to see how things are going with the two of you.

I'm really not sure what we're doing next. I just had 12 tubes of blood drawn yesterday (ouch) for additional tests to try to figure out why implantation isn't working.

Anyway, had better get moving!

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend.

Staci