Just beginning

[AliasR]

Hi.

I'm 31, dh 34, we've been together for 4 years now and we live in sunny Algarve, Portugal. Planned to get pg two years ago but nothing ever happened, period after period. We kind of knew we would have problems, dh had Hodgkin's and chemo and radiotherapy when he was 14.

Eventually we found out the treatments back then were total killers as far as fertility is concerned and nowadays they use less harmful drugs with the same results and advise patients to bank sperm before the sessions. None of that was available at that time.

Decided to get tested last year and found out he suffered from azoospermia. I ravaged the net looking for info, research papers, clinics, statistics, anything I could get my hands on and figured he would have to do a biopsy, we would collect some sperm and get ready for ICSI, hormone pills, injections and some more waiting. He kept telling me not to get my hopes high but in the back of my mind I still believed it was possible. He was right.

So we came home empty-handed. Our options now are adoption or donor sperm and we're having a hard time dealing with this. The fact that we will never be able to have our own biological child is devastating but we've come to realise that as long as we have each other we'll manage some how. It just seems so unfair that after all he'd been through as a child he still has to face this! I know he's feeling guilty - he knows how badly I wanted a baby - but I'm feeling guilty too because I don't dismiss the idea of using donor sperm and somehow it feels like a betrayal (is this the right spelling?).

Fortunatly I've found these Forums and finally I was able to share this with people who really understand what we are going through. For the past two years it seemed like everybody was getting pg but us and we still had to hear how simple it all had been or what were we waiting for and stuff like that.

I really dont' know what to do and I suppose we both need to sleep on it before we make a decision. Meanwhile I've been reading and writing posts and it made feel much better. It's easier when you're not using your own language, somehow you manage to distance yourself like if it wasn't really you.

Thanks for reading.
Feel free to answer and correct my English
!
AliasR

[bubblymichelle]

Hi Alias

I just wanted to say hello and welcome, this is such a great site and everyone is so friendly and welcoming. I didn't need to correct your English its great the way it is . When you have been trying for a baby for so long you just think that its never going to happen. I just want to say not to give up hope!! hopefully one day your dream will come true.

Love
Shell.
xx

[ogr1]

hello and i am very glad that you have found this forum.

you shouldnt feel guilty about using donor sperm. i know easier said then done.

see you on the other side

[SJ BROWN]

Hi Alias......

I am sorry for your heartache.........

My husband also had Hodgkins (has been in remission now for 14 years)
I did not know him then but he was offered the chance to give a sample for freezing, unfortuantly the sample he gave was not any good and he did not get chance to do another as it was important to start treatment and save his life................( at 22 and having cancer having children was his least concern at the time)

We have been ttc for 5 years now...Fortuantly, although not many and not great quality, there are some swimmers! so we are okay to do ICSI treatment.
We have had 2 -ve attempts and are hoping to a 3rd later this year....If this fails then we too will be facing the Doner situation.

I am okay with the idea, my take on it is that so many men take on other peoples children that it is no different..In fact it is even better because daddy gets to bond right from the start....... and in any case, anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad. ( I am closer to my step dad than to my biolgical father)
That said, I think it is harder for the man and we would have to have counselling and both be happy with the situation before going ahead...

Anyway, have waffled a bit but just wanted you to know you are not alone.
Take care and good luck with whatever you decide
Sarah
xx

[elleR]

hello eveyone,
i'm so glad i found this forum. i'm 33, DH is 32. we've been together about 7 yrs. ttc for about 4 yrs. i was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and he was diagnosed with azoospermia. the past 2 years we spent trying to get my thyroid under control and DH had to undergo varicocelectomy. his SA improved not dramatically but enough for our RE and his urologist to offer us IVF with ICSI.
last 3/23 i started downregulating with lupron. started repronex on 4/1. hopefully, if all goes well egg aspiration on 4/12 & ET on 4/15.

alias, i know how you feel, when dh & i learned he had 0 sperm we were so devastated. we were given the option to use donor sperm or adopt. we both tried to keep calm in the doctor's office and cried together when we got to the car. initially we decided if we absolutely have to, then we will use donor sperm but then sometimes he'll say no let's just adopt. i know this is a difficult time for you both, don't give up....

=) elleR

[lumi]

I really want to reply to you to offer some support. Although we do not need donor sperm, when you face fertillity issues you do consider all possibilities.

I think women are more open to adoption/donor sperm or eggs. Perhaps it is because we are naturally maternal. As a teacher, I grow to care for many children each year and can easily see how natural it would be to care and love a child that was not biolgoically yours. My DH says he couldnt face adoption or donor sperm/eggs, but I actually think he would if that was the only option and that it would just take time to accept the idea. I really believe that this is a man thing and no one shouild feel guilty about wanting donor sperm. I am sure you will have your little miracle via your chosen route one day.

Lumi

[LittleP]

Hi Alias and ElleR

I just wanted to say hi to you both and welcome you to the site.

It is absolutely fantastic here.

Join us on the General Forum with any questions you might have. You will also find various threads for April, May, June, July - so if you know when you are going through the treatment you can jump on in

Little P

[AliasR]

Hit there

LittleP, lumi, elleR, sjbrown, ogr1, bubllymichelle!

Thanks for the support. I've read some of your posts and feel at home here, no more crying or feeling alone!

I've came across these forums before but was too scared to join in which was a totally stupid thing to do!

I'll keep in touch and keep my fingers crossed for you!

AliasR

[Sand]

Hi AliasR and elleR ... So pleased that you've both found the site. You'll soon feel at home. As Little P says, now you've introduced yourselves, pop over to the General thread and join in the chat.

Sandra x

[sophiejane]

Hi ALIAS AND ELLE,

Welcome and I hope you find this site as useful as I have. My only regret is that I don't manage to get on it as much as I like. There are some girls on here who are fab and give others so much support.
Alias .... I'm not able to empathise about the decision about donor, but there are plenty on this site who can./ There was a thread going not so long ago (donor buddies or something like that). You might be able to have a search for it. I do know what its like though for a couple to be faced with infertility. I have had a very hard 3 years, and it seems that everywhere I went there were either pregnant people or babies. As a couple it did bring us very close.
Elle .. good luck with your treatment. I found my first treatment to be so exciting. I was actually doing something about becoming pregnant.

I have used this site to rant and rage, to sob and cry and also to laugh. I have also linked with some lovely people. Cycle buddies become your friends and are so supportive.

So welcome both of you and good luck in everything.
From Sophie-J

[taylorjools]

Hi Alias and ElleR just want to say hi
as I've been through the donor trauma except on my side - I have early menopause (probably since ages but ttc 5 years now) - and had always said if we couldn't have biological child then we'd go and live on a desert island and forget having kids.............. At the time we (I) assumed it wouold be male issue as dh had vasectomy. The he had that reversed and has "super sperm" just with antibodies that can be washed away, and so it was ME with the problem After the diagnosis of POF and failed IUI being told IVF was a quote "waste of time" so no babies without donor eggs and in UK waiting list 2 years etc I worked myself into the ground and ended up with a nervous breakdown.

Now on the other side of that, and after a lot of therapy, and considering the wonderful relationship I have with my step kids (spend most holidays with us since 12 years) I decided donor eggs were acceptable. The procedure is illegal in Germany, but we were recommended clinics in Spain with no wiaitng list and so here we are ready to go!!!

I wanted to tell you that as when my sister was pg (39 naturally pg with nr 2 Grrrrrrrrrr) I thought any baby I have won't be part of our family, then I met THomas my nephew (now 9 months) and he looks just like his dad, nothing like his mom and I knew when I held him(I cried like hell of course) that I would love him even if he was my sister's adopted child, it would have made no difference to me. So imagine how different it will be to carry our baby and go through pregnancy as a couple (if the lord is on our side), and it will be mine and dh's wherever the eggs come from

I have read a lot about child development and am convinced that nurture plays a critical role enough that even adopted children take on facial expressions etc of parents. But an adopted child would have neither my nor dh genes which would be a shame if there is a chance, but we would love and welcome any child. You may well find that DH feels the same. I will add that my dh was prepared for Donor sperm before the reversal success so I don't think it's a man thing, I think it's about love and why you/he want kids in the first place. being in the donor position makes you think about the whole thing quite differently. I can't count ho many times I have answered the question (from therapists when I was in the depression clinic) "why is it so important to you to have children?" At first I was furious and did'nt see why I sjould justify myself. Then I realised it was helpful and therapeutic to look more closely at that - that's when I moved from no kids to donor eggs.

well I have really rambled this time (I can hear LittleP's grin from here!), but maybe my story will help someone?

Love and kisses from very sunny Bosau

bigJ

[LittleP]

Hi Big J

How you doing

Hope you're on a high note at the moment

I've been trying to find out where my sunshine disappeared - guess I've just resolved that problem

Any spare

Little P

[nicolamark]

Ive posted u a PM, I am in your situation. Also posted on another of your posts. Good Luck and hope u find what u need on this site.

[heather14]

Hi I just had my egg retrieval yesterday and I had 5 follicles but when the doctor retrieved they were empty. Is there anyone out there that has had the same thing happen to them? Please respond. I need answers.

Heather

[Sand]

Hi Heather ... I'm sorry you've had such disappointing news. To get as far as EC takes such a lot of strength, so this must really have taken the wind out of your sails ..

What info / advice did your doctor give you ..? Will you have a follow up consultation to discuss what might have happened, and what the next step is ..?

Sandra x