seeking advice and opinions

[Leanne]

Hi girls,

Just been for a counselling session to make sure we are menatally 'fit' to go through with our egg sharing. We talked about all sorts of issues, like what the future may hold and what rights we all have etc. DH and I had no problems with any of the issues but we were thrown by 1 question.

The lady asked us if we would object to our egg being given to a lesbian or gay couple. We have absolutely NO problems with other peoples sexual preference but this was an area we had not rreally thought about. We had thought about our gift going to a couple who had suffered health problems etc. I don't want to rule out the chance of helping a gay or lesbian couple but I would like more knowledge. If there is anybody out there in this situation please could you let me know your feelings, we are not intending to discriminate in any way, we just want to make the right choice. You can send me a PM if it makes it easier. Anybody else hold a view on this?

Thankyou x this is not meant to offend anybody x

[AliasR]

hi leanne

that's a tough one... better start by saying I have lesbian and gay friends, it doesn't really make any difference to me and one of my best friends is a lesbian, too. she's such a wise and insightful person and she has helped me so much through some of the worst moments of my life.

one of the reasons i felt so bad about our infertility was having no one to talk to, at least no one who could really understand. i felt left out of almost all the conversations my friends and neighbours had - babies, dippers, bottles, the works! - since it was all they could talk about. i felt different and that there was no place for me in the community. i have to admit i was kind of ashamed of it and only realised it when i joined this board. i'm sure many of them felt sthing like this although in a different way. i think i even used the expression "coming out of the closet" in one of my posts, not sure which.

what i'm trying to say is we have been deprived of something which is to conceive a child by natural means and endure painful shots, scans, tests after tests, more shots, more tests and hard decisions. Why do the same to others? Why should we deprive homossexual couples from that gift? The only difference is they do not share our sexual orientations. As a couple they are every bit the same as us, suffering, rowing, making up after an argument, sharing a way of life.

Conceiving a child is not something any of us takes for granted, it's hard work and commitment and a carefully planned decision. I'm sure it's the same for them as well as i'm sure they will love that child every bit as much as we will. And it won't mean that child will be taught to be gay or hetero. All my friends come from pretty traditional and ordinary heterossexual backgrounds.

This is how i see it. hope i've helped.

Rita

[Leanne]

Thanks Rita,

I really appreciate your openess and honesty. We also have a few gay and lesbian friends so half of me can't believe I have even written the post, I suppose it shows we are taking everything seriously and not making any rash decisions.

I totally agree with everything you said also. My instant reaction was, of course we don't mind, after all you can't guarentee a hetrosexual couple staying together and being boh figures in the childs life and also that it is only through gifts and technology that any of us have a chance for our dream to come true.

My doubt, I think lies in the fact that the child will already grow up having to deal with issues that many of their friends won't. I know it will become more common, like divorce etc. Also, I know I haven't looked into these answers yet, but, if a lesbian couple had our egg and they split up who would have legal rights over the child? Would they have to go through custody battles and lots of heartache? Sorry I know it all sounds a bit dramatic. It's a bit like choosing a nanny really, you want wants best for the child.

DH is also worried that if it were two men, then they would still have to find a surrogate and the child would then have 1 mother, 1 father and 1 incubator as it were. I know it would show the child was special and very much wanted but it is still an issue that would need to be considered.

Anyway, I just anted to thankyou for your reply, I am sure it is a sticky subject for some.

Thanks and all the best with your treatment x

[AliasR]

I was so glad to read your answer! i was so worried i would say sthing offensive that i took forever to write it down! i was hoping you would really be worried about the things you said on your last post.

Let me just add this. As a teacher i find myself many times in a position where i have to know about my students family life. let me share some of the stories i've learned just this year.

One of my students cried so much when he got the results of a test i wondered if sthing was not right. it turns out his parents are getting divorced and his father threatened his mother to fight for the boy's custody in case his grades weren't good. so she kept telling him he would have to study or else move in with his father. the boy was a wreck.

One of the most sweetest and hard-working girls i have in class started crying uncontrolably after she got her math's test result because her mother threatened to leave the family if she didn't have a good mark.

There's a very delicate situation with one of the 8th grade boys because he decided to move in with his father - who had just got out of jail and abuses the mother - and not only are his grades collapsing - he was nearly a straight A student - but he's also becoming a problem as far as behaviour is concerned.

of course, these are minority cases - thank goodness! - but nevertheless, these children were just damn unlucky. Unfortunatly battles for custody have become a common thing these days. And yes there are a lot of questions for which we don't have the answers since AR has become such a widely used resource for so many fertile or infertile couples.

You are absolutely right in considering every single aspect of your decisions. But i think in the end it's just sheer luck cause there's no way you can predict the outcome.

well i've imposed enough on you.
whatever you decide i'm sure you it will be a fine one.

take care

Rita

[Leanne]

Thanks again Rita,

You haven't imposed at all and of course you didn't offend me, I was worried the same thing when I wrote the post.

I know you are right, there is NO way of predicting the outcome, life just takes over. All we can do is offer somebody hope and know and trust they will do their best for the child because they will be so wanted.

I am a classroom assistant and special needs key worker so I am also aware of the problems many children face at home. It is so awful how much pressure the parents put on them. One of our more common problems is parents working too much and not spending time with their children. we find they are either really spoilt with material goods or really low self esteem because they feel they are not cared for.

There is a boy in our class who has suddenly changed in personality. He has been very grumpy and tearful, for one of his writing sessions his news was about being at his dads house. We haven't been told if his parents have split, but all the signs fit. I took him out of class the other week to see how he was and have a chat about what was upsetting him. It all came out that his mum doesn't spend time with him and he only has his dog as a friend and only his nan plays with him at the weekend. It's sole destroying for us isn't it, you just think "if only".
At least we can offer them support through our work and get some satisfaction that way.

Anyway, I went off the track a bit.

thanks for your comments, all the best Leanne x

[ogr1]

there is a difference.
i dont care what anybody is
but it is hard not to beable to have a baby because of health
and things that are out of our control.

but who has any control oveer anything...

i wouldnt want any one to feel the hurt of not being able to have a child.
if if i could help some one then i would..
if hubby and i had any embies left we where going to donate them.
and i would want them to go to soomeone who wanted to have a child and couldnt...

[taylorjools]

Leanne,

good question
we are IVF with DE and after our apptmt I have to say that dh and I talked about all sorts of things - if we are blessed enough to be able to fulfill our family then we would be most happy to donate to any couple wishing to have children

none of us knows where we really came from and Becky I will go for it here

I am a citizen of the World and so is dh and so will be all our offspring including God willing any embryos that we may donate, and I wish love and children were the most important priotrity of anyone

LOve bigJ

[AliasR]

Always here for all of us!

Take care now.

Rita

[andsierra]

I started an egg donation blog that documented my first cycle. I start my second next week. I thought this may help future donors and families to better understand the donors experience.

http://www.apanoply.blogspot.com
* to go directly to the entries about egg donation - find the labels column on the right side and click "egg donation". i enjoyed my experience except after retrieval. i was out (i.e. no walking) for a week!