life is so unfair....

harri · Post by **harri** » Mon Apr 18, 2005 3:44 pm

I cannot believe what today has brought. Every day there seems to be another hurdle to cross, another setback. My husband is in the Army and is being sent abroad next week (only for 5 days) and has to take malaria tablets. I have just been told by my clinic that we will have to wait THREE CLEAR MONTHS before starting treatment. we were due to start IVF in less than 4 weeks. I am absolutely devastated and feel like the bottom of my world has fallen out -again. We have already changed from NHS to private because we are so desperate to start. I am so angry and so upset at the same time. I asked him the other day what would happen if the hospital said we'd have to wait (expecting them to say a clear month at worse) and he said there'd be nothing he could do. Sorry for moaning I just don't know what to do and sitting her crying my eyes out is doing no good either. If anyone has any tips on how I should handle it when he gets home I'd be very grateful as a frying pan is looking rather good right now!! Sorry, just needed somewhere to vent!

Maci05 · Post by **Maci05** » Mon Apr 18, 2005 4:05 pm

Harri,

I can only begin to imagine how devastated you must be feeling right now. YOur green light has suddenly turned red.

I guess there's no other option for your DH and the malaria stuff is there other than not going which I don't imagine is an option.

I think that locking your frying pan in the cupboard is the first thing to do. DH's can be infuriating in the impression that they can give of easy-come-easy-go but I have learned that although DH may not be always saying how he feels he is actually on the same wavelength as me. I'm sure your DH will share your disappointment but he will also be thinking that he can't change what he has no control over. If he is anything like my DH he will accept the situation and move on to planning for when it can go ahead. He says "we can;t worry about what we can't change" and I too feel like thumping him with the nearest blunt instrument.

Please don't think that I would react any differently than you are but I suppose what I am trying to do rather clumsily perhaps is give you a huge cyber hug but encourage you to give DH a big cuddle, tell him how angry you are at his employer, not him, how diestressed you are and ask for his understanding at the way are going to be over the next wee while as you struggle to deal with your disappointment. You need to be strong together and not push each other away.

I hope some of this ramble may help you see a way forward.

Thinking of you both,

Maci x

LittleP · Post by **LittleP** » Mon Apr 18, 2005 4:21 pm

Harri

I am so sorry about your news

I just wanted to send you a huge cyber HUG and loads and loads of PMA to help get you through this disappointment.

I know that DH's don't always express themselves very well but it is my experience that any setbacks where this treatment is concerned affects them just as much - I do understand why you are feeling so angry though

Have they said why it has to be 3 months before you can go through the treatment?

I hope you start to feel stronger soon - we're here for you so rant and rave, scream and shout as much as you need to and hopefully there will be no need for the frying pan afterall

Little P

Sand · Post by **Sand** » Mon Apr 18, 2005 5:11 pm

Hi Harri .... Just a thought, but I know there are some malaria tablets you can take whilst trying to conceive/being pregnant, and others that you can't.

I just wondered if the ones you CAN take whilst trying to conceive still need a 3 clear month window. I believe these are : Paludrine (proguanil hydrochloride) and Avloclor (chloroquine phosphate). It's worth asking.

Sandra x

me · Post by me » Mon Apr 18, 2005 5:50 pm

I understand how you might want to use the frying pan on DH but as someone said earlier I sometimes forget that DH is upset by the situation as well and before you batter him cuddle him, be sad together cry together talk together. See if there is anything that can be done.
I know none of these words will help how you are feeling because 3 months feels like forever, but we are all here for when you want a rant or a rave or when you feel your hand wandering towards the frying pan!!!!
Many cyber hugs being sent to you.
Kerry

AliasR · Post by **AliasR** » Mon Apr 18, 2005 6:22 pm

Dear Harri

Vent all you want sweetie, that's what we're here for!

Yes, men do it differently! They're rational, we're emotional! Although emotional doesn't excluse rational... never mind, getting philosophical here!

Maci's advice is very good to start with, although i tend to get back at appliances too... I also like a good slamming door... easier said than done i know.

Going back to men, my dh drives me crazy too sometimes. I feel he's not trying hard enough but that's just my anxiety wanting to get it over with. When we got back the results from the biopsy we were left with two options, either DI or adoption. Of course I was ready to dive into it immediatly but he asked me to wait until he finishes his Phd. I got angry and felt really frustrated. How could he postpone such a major decision in our lives?

After chilling out a bit i realised he's hurting too and scared about all the possibilities we are facing now. And he has had to deal with all this infertility issue and i'm sure it must be really hard for him. But he never talks about it. There's never a reference to all of this except one time when he admitted that's all he could think about when he comes home after work. That's how he's coping.

So, relax, take a deep breath or two. They drive us crazy but we love them!

Take care

Rita

gailp · Post by **gailp** » Mon Apr 18, 2005 6:37 pm

Harri im so so sorry. It seems so awful that you have to postpone your treatment for 3 months all for a 5 day trip and some stupid little tablets. I feel for you so much.

I agree with what everyone else on here has already said

I think with regard your DH he is probably not as insensitive as he seems, men just have real problems expressing themselves and showing emotions.

Use these

instead of your frying pan

harri · Post by **harri** » Mon Apr 18, 2005 6:50 pm

Ah thanks you guys. I feel a bit better now - and have locked the frying pan away!! I also feel a bit guilty because I'm sure he's hurting too and they don't show it like us. Anyway, he's told me it's all okay because he's not going to take the malaria tablets (and had decided this today anyway because the other guy who is out there for 3 weeks isn't taking them because they can make you ill)

I must admit I had heard this and people chose not to take them. I haven't told dh this because at the end of the day i want to make sure he looks after himself first. I rang my mum who works in the medical profession and she has asked a doctor. Apparently some people can't take malaria tablets anyway so it might not be too bad. She is going to find out. Has anyone been to faraway places and not taken them?
Thanks Sand for the info on which ones you can take but the hospital told me they won't treat us for 3 months on any of them because sperm take 3 months to make a new batch and that's their policy. Although it seems like forever I would rather make sure it's completely out his system than risk a failed cycle over impatience! Amazing how you can calm down (temporarily!!)
What has annoyed me though, is the clinic didn't tell us anything on this - not that we've had our in-depth consultation yet but i think everyone should know this as many people will probably be going on holiday.

thanks again for all your cyber hugs and kind words, it really meant a lot today xx

Sand · Post by **Sand** » Mon Apr 18, 2005 7:11 pm

It's just one hurdle after another isn't it ...

Glad you're sorted. We'll see what tomorrow brings !

Sandra x

AliasR · Post by **AliasR** » Mon Apr 18, 2005 9:04 pm

i definetly agree!!!

DebraP · Post by **DebraP** » Mon Apr 18, 2005 9:07 pm

Harri, yes I have travelled with people in malarial areas who chose not to take the meds. They tended to be seasoned travellers who were blase OR who had been 'out there' so long they had/wanted to stop. Other people were very strict about covering up at dusk and use repellants + bednets. Having said all this, I should tell you the truth, I knew quite a few people who returned home with malaria too. I backpacked for just under 2 years and took (2 different types of) malarials the whole time. I get bitten by anything and everything so decided not the take the risk.

Sorry this has happened at such an awkward time for you both.
hugs
Debra

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Mon Apr 18, 2005 9:22 pm

just wanted to say that this sucks...
sending (((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))))))

LittleP · Post by **LittleP** » Mon Apr 18, 2005 9:34 pm

Harri

Well done - PMA and hugs all round

Little P

hlloyd · Post by **hlloyd** » Mon Apr 18, 2005 10:26 pm

Hi Harri

What a blow and how frustrating. Is the clinic not able to freeze sperm prior to DHs departure? Just a thought.

I know people that have taken the medication but still managed to contract malaria...there are various strains....so not sure how useful the medication is in any case.

I guess DH needs to balance the risks and make up his own mind though. Good luck and I hope everything works out ok.

Heather

missmolly · Post by **missmolly** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 12:22 am

Harri - this must be so frustrating for you! However, it is better to be safe than sorry. I know what you must be feeling as my DH & I had to take a break from ttc as well. My dh works in an emergency department & was exposed to a patient with meningococol (terrible spelling - sorry) & had to go on a course of mind blowingly strong antibiotics (turned all of his bodily fluids bright orange!!). Although we had not started IVF yet, it was still upsetting. I now tell him that if he is not allowed to treat any of these types of patients anymore!!!!!!

Try and keep your chin up. (and I always try to tell myself - good things come to those who wait).

Missmolly

life is so unfair....

life is so unfair....

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