Hi everyone,
My DH's brother's wife just had her baby last night. His brother called us late last night to tell us their good news. We let the machine pick up as we were both already in bed. Anyway, DH is livid that his brother would call us like that (with all the details to make matters worse) and feels it was totally inappropriate given he's fully aware of all the problems we've had. It's not as if DH is even very close to him. They go months without speaking with one another.
At any rate, I'm not sure what to think. I do think it was rather insensitive but, at the same time, I've kind of just come to accept the fact that the majority of people have no clue when it comes to how to approach sensitive issues with infertile couples. It's either that or they just get so caught up in their own happiness that they just completely forget about others feelings?
Well, now DH is telling me he is never going to speak to his brother again and he plans to tell his mother that he does not want his brother calling our house. He told me not to buy them a gift. I tried to get him to reconsider but he basically told me to stay out of it.
Have any of your DH's reacted like this to another family member's pregnancy? Don't get me wrong. It has been very disturbing for me too and the phone call last night resulted in my feeling like I was on the verge of an anxiety attack and being awake most of the night (although I didn't tell DH that) but I've been trying my best not to project my bitterness about the whole situation onto others.
Do you think I should do anything or do as he requested and just stay out of it?
Thanks for any advice or stories from others who have dealt with similar issues.
Staci
Advice needed
Advice needed
Me 35/DH 41
TTC 4 years
Diagnosis: MF infertility
IVF/ICSI April 2004: -tive
FET Aug. 2004 (canceled due to cysts)
FET Jan 2005: -tive
FET Aug. 2005
TTC 4 years
Diagnosis: MF infertility
IVF/ICSI April 2004: -tive
FET Aug. 2004 (canceled due to cysts)
FET Jan 2005: -tive
FET Aug. 2005
Hi Staci, I'm sorry you're having such a time with your DH and his brother.
I tend to agree with you that (a) people who haven't suffered from infertility have no idea just how difficult it can be to deal with other people's pregnancies/babies, and (b) even people who are usually sensitive can become overcome with their own emotions at certain times. I know that my closest friends who've been pregnant/ have babies are very unsure what to say to me about it - they don't want to treat me differently in terms of what/when they talk to me, but don't want to upset me, and sometimes that's just impossible!
Having said that though its perfectly legitimate for your DH (and you) to feel angry if you think your brother-in-law has been insensitive, and if that's how you feel its perfectly right and OK to tell your family that you are finding this extremely difficult. They may be all so wrapped up in the joy of their new baby that your struggles are the last thing on their mind.
If I were you I'd try to discourage your DH from burning bridges. Personally I've always found hearing news of another pregnancy, and then news of the brith the hardest bit, and that as babies grow into toddlers and small children it can get easier. I went through a phase when I couldn't imagine being able to see my brother's young children without crying about not being able to have my own, and whilst I still have the odd dodgy moment my relationship with my niece and nephews is now a huge positive in my life.
Alison
I tend to agree with you that (a) people who haven't suffered from infertility have no idea just how difficult it can be to deal with other people's pregnancies/babies, and (b) even people who are usually sensitive can become overcome with their own emotions at certain times. I know that my closest friends who've been pregnant/ have babies are very unsure what to say to me about it - they don't want to treat me differently in terms of what/when they talk to me, but don't want to upset me, and sometimes that's just impossible!
Having said that though its perfectly legitimate for your DH (and you) to feel angry if you think your brother-in-law has been insensitive, and if that's how you feel its perfectly right and OK to tell your family that you are finding this extremely difficult. They may be all so wrapped up in the joy of their new baby that your struggles are the last thing on their mind.
If I were you I'd try to discourage your DH from burning bridges. Personally I've always found hearing news of another pregnancy, and then news of the brith the hardest bit, and that as babies grow into toddlers and small children it can get easier. I went through a phase when I couldn't imagine being able to see my brother's young children without crying about not being able to have my own, and whilst I still have the odd dodgy moment my relationship with my niece and nephews is now a huge positive in my life.
Alison
Hi Staci
In my opinion your brother in law just wasn't thinking! he is probably just very excited at the birth of his child and isn't considering how anyone else is feeling. It must have been very hard for both of you to hear the message.
I think you are right when you say people have no clue how to approach infertile couples. They say something they think is right but really there is no right approach.
Whether you get them a gift or not is a difficult one. How often to you see them, do you like your sister-in-law etc. If you like your sister-in-law then I would send a card for now and see how you & your husband feels in a few weeks - and if you go to see the baby decide then on getting a present?
Not sure if this helps.
Pauline
In my opinion your brother in law just wasn't thinking! he is probably just very excited at the birth of his child and isn't considering how anyone else is feeling. It must have been very hard for both of you to hear the message.
I think you are right when you say people have no clue how to approach infertile couples. They say something they think is right but really there is no right approach.
Whether you get them a gift or not is a difficult one. How often to you see them, do you like your sister-in-law etc. If you like your sister-in-law then I would send a card for now and see how you & your husband feels in a few weeks - and if you go to see the baby decide then on getting a present?
Not sure if this helps.
Pauline
Gift or not to gift.
This is a really difficult issue. I presume that at some time you and your DH would like to have a baby and will happily ring everybody you know when the event arrives. Your DHs' brother has done just that.
We all would love to have a baby and No-one on this board would wish infertility on anyone.
Sharing someone's happiness in public and keeping a stiff upperlip and then crying quietly is something we all do.
I would wonder how to sensitively tell any of us that anybody is pregnant.
I think that his brother has got carried away with the moment as I am sure we all will when our time comes.
I am also sure that your DH will know how his brother was feeling when he has more happiness than every person in his phonebook can cope with when you both have your baby.
I had a conversation with my brother yesterday who has -over the past 4 years -given ME a beautiful neice and nephew, about whether he intends to have any more. He has been my biggest supporter and he struggled to have the conversation but the world shouldn't stop for me. my challenges aren't his. He certainly has enough of his own.
What I am trying to say is that when my wife gets pregnant I hope that she gets flooded with love and good wishes and I won't be containing my excitement for one moment I hope that she gives birth at 2.30 am so I can ring everyone at that obscene time in the morning and disturb them all.
best of luck to both of you.
Kim
We all would love to have a baby and No-one on this board would wish infertility on anyone.
Sharing someone's happiness in public and keeping a stiff upperlip and then crying quietly is something we all do.
I would wonder how to sensitively tell any of us that anybody is pregnant.
I think that his brother has got carried away with the moment as I am sure we all will when our time comes.
I am also sure that your DH will know how his brother was feeling when he has more happiness than every person in his phonebook can cope with when you both have your baby.
I had a conversation with my brother yesterday who has -over the past 4 years -given ME a beautiful neice and nephew, about whether he intends to have any more. He has been my biggest supporter and he struggled to have the conversation but the world shouldn't stop for me. my challenges aren't his. He certainly has enough of his own.
What I am trying to say is that when my wife gets pregnant I hope that she gets flooded with love and good wishes and I won't be containing my excitement for one moment I hope that she gives birth at 2.30 am so I can ring everyone at that obscene time in the morning and disturb them all.
best of luck to both of you.
Kim
Staci, I think this is a lose:lose situation. If your BIL had said nothing then what does that mean? that he doesn't care if you know or not? that his brother means nothing to him? As it was, he might have felt that the machine was a more gentle way to break the news, not that there's ever an easy way.
It is tough and we've all watched friends and family struggle with how to talk to us about the subject.
I'm guessing your BIL was so over the moon that if he'd tried to contain his happiness, he failed.
I know this has been really tough for you. I hope DH calms down soon and you can talk about how to deal with the new addition to the family. Personally, I'd send a card and wait re. a present until (if) you see them.
Hugs
Debra
It is tough and we've all watched friends and family struggle with how to talk to us about the subject.
I'm guessing your BIL was so over the moon that if he'd tried to contain his happiness, he failed.
I know this has been really tough for you. I hope DH calms down soon and you can talk about how to deal with the new addition to the family. Personally, I'd send a card and wait re. a present until (if) you see them.
Hugs
Debra
Hi ya!!
I have similar story, Dh's brother's girlfriend is pregnant. When his brother called to say she was pg. Dh threw phone across the room and hasn't spoken to them since..... 6 months since they had that conversation. The babe is due end of June, so now i am waiting to see what happens when the babe comes. Will they tell us or not????
I think what upset Dh was the fact that his brother got his g/friend pg as an 'accident' and here we are trying for years!!!
Good Luck my dear!!
I have similar story, Dh's brother's girlfriend is pregnant. When his brother called to say she was pg. Dh threw phone across the room and hasn't spoken to them since..... 6 months since they had that conversation. The babe is due end of June, so now i am waiting to see what happens when the babe comes. Will they tell us or not????
I think what upset Dh was the fact that his brother got his g/friend pg as an 'accident' and here we are trying for years!!!
Good Luck my dear!!
TTC 6yrs......Have jumped off the rollercoaster for now, too many BFN's and too much heartache, to keep going....Moving on to fulfil other dreams!!!
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my husband who is a very loving man but also a very private man
had a very hard time with our granddaughter..
i had to push him to stop there on his way home to see her and them..
it was hard for me also..
but we cant just stop our lives or expexct others to..
i am so sorry the pain that you both are going threw..
but know one understand stand the hurt that we feel unless they have been there and i wouldnt wish this pain on anyone..
when we where told about each and every pregnanice i would let my self cry and dh and i would talk qith eachother and we where glad that some ones dream had come true.. and that i am glad that they had made it..
alot of times we get anger mixed up wit hour own hurt..
i know i would have been hurt if my sister wouldnt have shared with
me about her being pregnant..
there is a difference between someone being very excited and gloating..
and it is very hard for us to see that well it is at times hard for me..
i dont know if i am making any sence at all ..
i can say this my husband was very glad to go and hold his grandaughter
and know that she was named for him..
had a very hard time with our granddaughter..
i had to push him to stop there on his way home to see her and them..
it was hard for me also..
but we cant just stop our lives or expexct others to..
i am so sorry the pain that you both are going threw..
but know one understand stand the hurt that we feel unless they have been there and i wouldnt wish this pain on anyone..
when we where told about each and every pregnanice i would let my self cry and dh and i would talk qith eachother and we where glad that some ones dream had come true.. and that i am glad that they had made it..
alot of times we get anger mixed up wit hour own hurt..
i know i would have been hurt if my sister wouldnt have shared with
me about her being pregnant..
there is a difference between someone being very excited and gloating..
and it is very hard for us to see that well it is at times hard for me..
i dont know if i am making any sence at all ..
i can say this my husband was very glad to go and hold his grandaughter
and know that she was named for him..
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
Hi everyone,
Thank you so much. Your replies have all been very helpful. They have basically gotten me through the day as the whole issue has really been on my mind. I see a lot of you have had to deal with similar issues. It's very difficult right now as he only has 2 brothers. Both of them got married this past year and both their wives got pregnant in the same year. Add to that the fact that our issue is male factor infertility and I'm sure he must be feeling kind of resentful that he has somehow ended up with this problem whereas his brothers are both, apparently, fine. I'm just guessing here since he isn't very communicative about the whole thing.
I'm having a very hard time dealing with it all as well but know we can't just stop communicating with every single person who has a child. He already cut off communication with his other brother because he got upset that he sent him an e-mail to let him know his wife was 3 mos. pregnant (like you said, Debra, it's a no win situation). I try my best to stick myself in the other person's shoes (although it isn't easy) and just attribute what seems like being insensitive or gloating to lack of knowledge about the emotional impact of infertility and such happiness that they aren't thinking straight. I don't foresee us going to visit anytime soon. I am not up to that. I'm kind of having the problem you said you did, Alison, where I just know I would break down in tears! I would at least like to extend our congratulations though. To complicate matters further, I'm guessing his family probably sees me as the villain in all of this because, of course, another common misconception is that infertility issues don't emotionally impact men as much.
Anyway, I'm going to approach him about the issue once more in a few days when the news might have worn off some and see if he will agree that we should take the high road and at least send them a gift. As many of you commented, I don't want us to burn bridges with every single member of his family.
When is life finally going to get easier?!
Staci
Thank you so much. Your replies have all been very helpful. They have basically gotten me through the day as the whole issue has really been on my mind. I see a lot of you have had to deal with similar issues. It's very difficult right now as he only has 2 brothers. Both of them got married this past year and both their wives got pregnant in the same year. Add to that the fact that our issue is male factor infertility and I'm sure he must be feeling kind of resentful that he has somehow ended up with this problem whereas his brothers are both, apparently, fine. I'm just guessing here since he isn't very communicative about the whole thing.
I'm having a very hard time dealing with it all as well but know we can't just stop communicating with every single person who has a child. He already cut off communication with his other brother because he got upset that he sent him an e-mail to let him know his wife was 3 mos. pregnant (like you said, Debra, it's a no win situation). I try my best to stick myself in the other person's shoes (although it isn't easy) and just attribute what seems like being insensitive or gloating to lack of knowledge about the emotional impact of infertility and such happiness that they aren't thinking straight. I don't foresee us going to visit anytime soon. I am not up to that. I'm kind of having the problem you said you did, Alison, where I just know I would break down in tears! I would at least like to extend our congratulations though. To complicate matters further, I'm guessing his family probably sees me as the villain in all of this because, of course, another common misconception is that infertility issues don't emotionally impact men as much.
Anyway, I'm going to approach him about the issue once more in a few days when the news might have worn off some and see if he will agree that we should take the high road and at least send them a gift. As many of you commented, I don't want us to burn bridges with every single member of his family.
When is life finally going to get easier?!
Staci
Me 35/DH 41
TTC 4 years
Diagnosis: MF infertility
IVF/ICSI April 2004: -tive
FET Aug. 2004 (canceled due to cysts)
FET Jan 2005: -tive
FET Aug. 2005
TTC 4 years
Diagnosis: MF infertility
IVF/ICSI April 2004: -tive
FET Aug. 2004 (canceled due to cysts)
FET Jan 2005: -tive
FET Aug. 2005
its not ...
we just learn to cope and try and enjoy what we can..
i have gone places and have just sat there and cried..
it must of beensomething that i needed to do or iwouldnt have had to do it..
it is all very hard ..... please dont ever think that i dont think that it isnt.. i have good days and very hard days still..
butafter 22 years of longing for our baby that i will never have in this life time and have missed out on so much i dont want to miss out on any more..
imissed out on alot of my first nieces and nephews that are know grown and some married that i refuse to miss any more..
i get on my n=knees and pray that i will have sternght to accept my hurt and that i can some how enjoy the beauty that is before me..
then i come here and post alot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lots and lots of love to you both
we just learn to cope and try and enjoy what we can..
i have gone places and have just sat there and cried..
it must of beensomething that i needed to do or iwouldnt have had to do it..
it is all very hard ..... please dont ever think that i dont think that it isnt.. i have good days and very hard days still..
butafter 22 years of longing for our baby that i will never have in this life time and have missed out on so much i dont want to miss out on any more..
imissed out on alot of my first nieces and nephews that are know grown and some married that i refuse to miss any more..
i get on my n=knees and pray that i will have sternght to accept my hurt and that i can some how enjoy the beauty that is before me..
then i come here and post alot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lots and lots of love to you both
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!