Can you help?

[marley]

Hi

Am newly registered although I've been reading the board for about 2 years.

I've known for 12 years that I would need IVF and went on an NHS waiting list 2 and a half years ago, have at least another year to wait...

I have a (cringe!) question that I wondered if anyone knew the answer to - since I first went on the list my partner and I have split up - I now have a different partner who is fantastic and we really want a child together, obviously I have to tell the clinic this but I'm scared they'll think I'm some kind of loose woman or something, or say that we have to go back to the bottom of the list, I'm really embarrassed.

Sorry if I sound like a loon, any ideas as to what I should do?

Thanks

Marley

[AliasR]

Hi Marley!

I'm Rita and welcome to the boards. I also lingered around when i found this site and it took me a while to sign in. I now regret not having done it sooner.

I can't really answer your question since I'm not in the UK but i can definetly assure you don't sound like a loon at all! There's two in a relationship and "until death do us part" is not longer a requisite for sanity, thank god!

However I don't think they'll throw you back to the end of the list, it doesn't really make much sense does it? But i'm sure they'll be people around who can answer your question.

I'm not going through any tmt right now so I just browse posts and have a chat with some of the girls - i've found this to be a place where i don't feel different from everybody else and it really has helped me deal with all this infertility issue.

So if you feel like it just pop on the chat threads any time, the more the merrier! I always find there's loads to learn from other people's experiences...

Welcome again

Rita

[LittleP]

Hi Marley

Welcome to the boards - I hope you find this place as beneficial as I have. The girls here are really supportive and very helpful.

I am afraid I don't know the answer to your question. I personally don't see why it should make a difference at all - your feelings haven't changed, you still want a child

I hope that somebody here will be able to give you some proper help, and I wish you every success.

Big hugs and best wishes.

Little P

[taylorjools]

Hi Marley and welcome!!!

don't be scared to post, just go for it. You are not a loon
I have no idea what the rules are in the UK probably varies with location too, but I would have thought that since you are the one with the problem your place in the queue should stay. That said, there's no logic to this thing is there??

Sounds like you might have to just go ahead and tell your clinic...

Love bigJ

[Susie]

Hi, welcome to the boards
I dont know about nhs but at my private clinic, if you want to have IVF with someone you're not married to, you have to prove you have been 'co-habiting' for at least 3 years. I think it depends on the clinic. I think you'll just have to come clean, coz they'll probably want to test him prior to treatment, coz if he has probs it could be a different course of action
HTH
Susie

[marley]

Hi again

Thanks so much for your replies - I guess I just have to bite the bullet and ring the clinic! I feel much braver having read your messages - plus I don't feel like I've got 7 heads and webbed feet just for needing IVF!

Thanks again,

Marley

[Sand]

Hi Marley. Welcome to the Site. Don't worry about your question - we've heard much worse on here !

Like Susie, my NHS hospital requires couples to have been co-habiting for (2?) years. They treat you as a couple, so I would think in my case a change in partner would mean starting from scratch.

You can but ask Marley. As we hear on here everyday, there are so many different protocols.

Good luck
Sandra x

[bubblymichelle]

Hi Marley

I hope all goes ok when you ring the clinic, its best to be honest from the start. Let us know how things go.

Love
Shell.
xx

[NickiMark]

Marley, I would be honest, I can see why a change of partner should matter. Have you considered going private instead and coming off the nhs then you could get started sooner.

Where in the uk are you?

[gailp]

Hi Marley.

I had to IUI's with my now ex husband and I am going to starting IVF shortly with a different partner, so dont worry your not a loon, because if you are that makes me one two

I think honesty is the only way though. Good luck

[Tessa]

Hi Marley, welcome.

I must say, I have a love, hatred relation with the NHS. You don't get anywhere unless you fight for it! Saying that, it was the NHS that got me through the OHSS when my private clinic in London refuse to accept any responsiblity when my specialist questioned them? I can't thank my NHS specialist enough.
Personally, I would say nothing! Until you go for the treatment. Then I would say that they have the wrong chappy! YOU are the one having the treatment and if they complain..... fight it! When I first asked for help, it took 8 months to just get an appointment. It took another three months to get scans done and after 8 months (after they had put me on Chlomid) I had heard nothing. I phoned up and they told me I had been discharged. I would have to go back to my GP and get another appointment......... another 8 months wait?????? My dh and I then went privately for IVF.......
I'm back at the same hospital, back on the chlomid and been told to go away for 6 months. I've b******dy been on it before and nothing happened! No, I have to start from scratch.

If you want to phone the clinic, go for it, but pleased fight to not be put at the bottom of the list PLEASE!

Good luck
Tessa

[ogr1]

if it where me i would call first and say that you would like some info
on what they do in that type of situation..
i wouldnnt give them any name..
and if they say that the person would have to start over then i would thank them for the info and hang up
and i wouldnt say another word unless they asked you directly..
why should anyone else care who or when you sleep with someone ..
that is between to grown adults...

what i think is important is being good parents.. do they ask you about your parenting skills ?

[Tessa]

Well said Becky..... I agree

Tessa

[dancola]

My clinic will only treated married couples and people who have been together for a particular length of time (not sure if 2 years or 3). Whilst Becky’s comments are technically correct in that you are the one being treated, my (private) clinic’s view is that it is the COUPLE who are being treated and they encourage the male partner’s involvement as much as possible. Also, in the UK, you have to get forms signed off by your GP to give to the clinic before treatment can start. These forms relate to the welfare of any child that results from IVF treatment. The GP has to confirm to the clinic that both you AND your partner are fit to be parents. I guess from the clinic’s point of view they need to be sure that any child is born into a loving, stable relationship, hence the requirement to have been together for a period of time.

Maybe it works differently for NHS, but we had loads of forms to fill in before treatment and our GP had to sign off this form for us. Personally I’d check this all out now. It would be gutting for you to finally get to the top of the list only to be sent back again because you had not declared your new partner.

[dancola]

PPS – Susie is right. Usual procedure right at the start of IVF treatment – before you even start – is that both the male and female take blood tests. Your partner will certainly need to do this. Unless he has already had children, I imagine they may also wish to test his sperm because it would be pointless treating you without knowing 100% that your partner is able to do his part. Did you actually register your previous partner’s name? If not, then I don’t see what the issue is, but if yes then I think you need to come clean.