A Big question

caz · Post by **caz** » Mon Nov 18, 2002 6:29 pm

It seems AWFUL to even be thinking like this so early on - but cant help it - and dont know where else to ask! DH has severe lack of sperms - we will have to use TESA. I am a natural pessimist and even tho they found some in a biopsy they did a couple of months ago - am convinved it wont work. Once I start the process (early 03)- I promise to stay as positive as possible tho! My BIG question is this - has anyone in a similar situation - considered Donor insemination. If so - help! Do you think you would tell people? is it unfair on any child thats born of it?. My dh says he thinks he could cope - but could he? Could I? Could my family? How common is DI ? I know there are So many issues and I know this is the wrong chat line - but teh DI one is empty! I have to say if all else fails then.....is DI better than no kids? ANY words of wisdom - very gratefully received. Hope you dont mind my asking

heather · Post by **heather** » Mon Nov 18, 2002 9:07 pm

hi caz, dunno if this will help you any, but here goes... Ive just had IUI done, by using a donor. After years of waiting for dh to have a sperm harvest to see if he has any spermies we decided to go for a donor as we had been told we could have been waiting at least another 6 months just for dh's op, and that's without the time we would have to wait to find out if they were of any use or not. We talked and talked about using a donor for quite a while, it was quite hard for dh to accept that he would never have a child that was biologically his, but we decided that this was the only chance we would have to have a baby, then so be it. Believe me though, it really wasnt easy. The thing i found really hard was the fact that if we do have a child, i cant say to dh, 'oh, he's got youre eyes' or 'she looks just like you'. I found that really difficult to get my head around. The thing that worried dh most was that should we ever argue about the child, i may turn round and say that the child was nothing to do with him, and he wasnt the father. I could really understand his point of view, and when we both signed the form that says that any child born by donor insemination would be legally his, it was such an emotional moment for both of us. The actual IUI itself wasnt too bad, dh was there holding my hand all the way, and after it was all over we both just cried and cried. To be honest, now i dont think about having used a donor, to me it's dh's from the start. I don't think that we will tell any child that we are lucky enough to have that we had IUI with donor sperm. I know dh doesn't want that, and i dont think i do either. Anyways, i hope this has answered some of your queries, sorry to have rambled on.lol. I'm on dat 3 of the 2ww, and am due to test on the 29th of the month. Hope all goes well for you, whatever route you decide to take. All the best, Heather xxx

suzannemorris · Post by **suzannemorris** » Mon Nov 18, 2002 9:14 pm

Hi Caz I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom in terms of TESA and DI. But I just wanted to respond with regards to is DI better than no kids. I think YES ABSOLUTELY, I don't think it matters whether a child is biologically yours/hubbies. I think if you have lots of love to give and a good stable home environment that's what matters. Obviously I don't know your husband or family, but I'm sure that they'd support any decision you made and embrace and welcome a child (however conceived) into your family. Sounds a bit mushy, but I've recently started thinking about looking into adoption. I used to wonder if I could love someone else's child, but I now realise it's not about Biology. Best Wishes, Sue.

suzannemorris · Post by **suzannemorris** » Mon Nov 18, 2002 9:18 pm

Hi Heather, looks like we were responding to Caz at the same time. Hope you're o.k Sue. P.S enjoyed losing my virginity to you in the chat room last night....Ooohh!

caz · Post by **caz** » Mon Nov 18, 2002 9:19 pm

heather - thank you so so much for answering that - its incredibly helpful. I totally see what you mean about all the issues for teh future. I guess the bottom line is - the child you'll have will be the one you so desperately wanted....and the unique one that YOU are MEANT to have. Quite an intersting fact my doctor told me - who was pro us using DI from day one and not bothering with TESA becasue he thinks the chances of it working are so slim - is that, 20% of children born into married / partnered couples are NOT the child of teh husband! And there is zero evidence that this has any effect on the child when the child was never told. How do they know this 20% fact ? apparently a sociological test was being done on families - and one of teh things they had to do was match blood types - and in 20% of cases the child could NOT have been the "fathers'". Just to complete the story - they never actaully told the father - but just kept a record of it privately!! Totally fascinating subject - I could go on about it for ages! But I'll spare you and wont! thanks heather - I'll keep everything crossed for you and will be watching your progress - good luck!

DEBORAH · Post by **DEBORAH** » Mon Nov 18, 2002 10:13 pm

Caz & Heather I would just like to say that i think you are both so brave going through IUI/TESSA and then also having to cope and think about using DI - you both differntly deserve to get pregnant. GOOD LUCK to both of you and your hubbies. Love Debsx

caz · Post by **caz** » Tue Nov 19, 2002 5:16 pm

Thanks for that. I think its not so much me and dh I'm worried about and what people might say and think about us using di - if we need to - but am much more concerned about what the child might think or how people would react to teh child?? I guess thats a really good argument for keeping it to yourselves?

heather · Post by **heather** » Tue Nov 19, 2002 8:11 pm

caz, that's what dh and i were mainly worried about, people finding out we had used donor sperm. That's one of the reason for us deciding not to tell anyone about us undergoing treatment. I come from a very large family, am the youngest of eight, and all my brothers ans sisters have several children, and we didn't want their sympathy or pity. I dont think it's really nessecary for the child to know anything about how he or she was concieved, so we arent going to tell them anything. Hope this helps, caz. You take care. Loadsa love, Heather xxx

Wicked Lady · Post by **Wicked Lady** » Sat Nov 23, 2002 2:13 pm

Fingers crossed for you Heather I'll be thinking about you on the 29th. As for you Caz, go for it.I have written a reply to your questions under insemination although I see you are also using general forum which is better. We were turned down for DI by our clinic although they do it, they insist that everyone have IVF as it is more money for them so now we are looking at using another clinic somewhere and are gonna go for it. As the others have said the child will be precious to you both, a child is better than no child. And we all know there are alot of children in this world living with their fathers who are not there real fathers, some fathers knowing the child is not theirs and others blissfully unaware. Plenty of couples argue men often refer to there female partners when ' your sons nappy needs changing, or your daughters crying for you' even though they are the biololgical dads it means nothing and I am sure you will never throw it back in your DH's face nor will he do it to you. Go for it honey and all the best to you both. As they say never say never, and , most men can have a child it takes a real man to be a father and anyman prepared to bring up a child that is not naturally his is worth his weight in gold. I should know, I've a 16 stone Dh. Lots of love nicola xxxx

Advertisements