The Over 40 Crowd

DebraP · Post by **DebraP** » Fri May 20, 2005 8:23 pm

If you're making excuses it's because you love him and women are prone to try to understand and analyse their lover's behaviour. We often refuse to believe things are as they appear when what we really want are rational explanations for why we're unhappy with the relationship and look to them for the answers. Cod-psychology 101....based on years of doing it myself!

I suspect a job might be just the thing to help start to pick you up. What about making a list (I'm crazy about lists) of contacts, companies, numbers, email-addresses, ideas etc? to give you something to start on. What about calling that ex-boss and asking them for ideas? Do some internet research on US companies who might value your skills in Paris - whether as an editor or an assistant, either way you'll be looking proactively at your future and not wishing the days away until Monday night and talking of which, then what? wait for him to have a free moment for you the next week? I'm being tough here as what you've outlined is a man who should welcome your love, support and company and yet seems to agree that pushing you to the sidelines is the way forward. I beg to disagree.

hugs
Debra

Emily Rose · Post by **Emily Rose** » Fri May 20, 2005 9:14 pm

Now I'm feeling even more sad. It's true, and he must not love me really, and I just want to believe it because it certainly feels like love when we are together. For example, he didn't have to invite me to a nice restaurant in the small town on the Loire near his country house last weekend. Why, then, the moments of tenderness and kindness and buying just what he knows I like to eat, for example? But I must be just fooling myself and then I should just give up on the IVF with him because I shouldn't be with him anyway. That's what I should do; give up. I am a naive stupid girl with silly hopeless dreams that will never come true.

taylorjools · Post by **taylorjools** » Sat May 21, 2005 9:21 am

oh Emily

do hope you are feeling better today. You are not dumb, you are sensitive and sweet and have known real love and want to find it again. That's so normal. Just be careful that you don't waste your wonderful warmth and sweetness on someone who cannot, for whatever reason, give you the love you deserve. Debra is right, being independent with a job will help you no end..if anything is to come of your relationship with dp then it sounds like it will take a very long time, and you will only get more depressed if you put your life on hold til then.

Have you thought your family might be a lot more understanding and supportive than you think, you shouldn't be ashamed of hoping for love. it's a human condition.

Love and kisses and hugs

bigJ

Emily Rose · Post by **Emily Rose** » Sat May 21, 2005 9:56 am

But if I give up on him, I give up on this last IVF chance I have, too. I would think that you here would understand that, but I guess not. I guess even you would recommend I give up that dream.

Well, you'll be happy to know that I SMS'd him last night after reading Debra's message to say I must not go to the movies with him Monday night.

Is that what you wanted? You succeeded.

But me, I just want to die.

Sand · Post by **Sand** » Sat May 21, 2005 10:59 am

Hi Emily ...

Everyone here is trying to support you, but at the same time, to also give you an objective opinion of your circumstances. Sometimes it's hard to see the whole picture when you are so pivitol.

You sound angry this morning. This isn't a bad thing. Anger is one of the emotions that comes with a negative cycle, and it's best to let these feelings out rather than keep them inside.

You've cancelled your date with dp for Monday. You've done this because you've listened to the support you've been given, and somewhere deep down you believe what you've heard. I don't think you've done it because you thought that's what we wanted, and neither do I believe this even crossed anyone's mind.

When you say you just want to die, I can understand, because I felt that that once, too - a long time ago. Everyone understands just how bad things are for you at the moment, and are simply trying to suggest ways of moving forward - 'cos things can get better, but only with a different approach.

Sandra x

taylorjools · Post by **taylorjools** » Sat May 21, 2005 11:00 am

Emily,
I am sure nobody wants to influence you, and you must make your own decisions sweetie. If the IVf is the most important thing to you, then of course you must follow your dream, whatever the cost.

no one here is being negative, we are all feeling for you. Give your body a bit of time to settle after the hormones and get your strength back and you'll be ready to try again.

Love bigJ

Emily Rose · Post by **Emily Rose** » Sat May 21, 2005 11:02 am

But I can't try again without him. In France, you can't do IVF without a partner. You have to show you've been in a relationship for 2 years. So I give him up, I give that up, too. And honestly I have NOTHING left.

taylorjools · Post by **taylorjools** » Sat May 21, 2005 11:13 am

I think that's understood, that's something you'll have to talk to him about. I do hope that he supports you, if you are determined I am sure you will succeed. Have a lovely weekend, try and get some fresh air.

Love bigJ

DebraP · Post by **DebraP** » Sat May 21, 2005 11:31 am

Oh Emily, how I wish I'd logged on earlier today. I'm sorry you feel so down now. Perhaps talking relatively might not help but please don't say you have nothing. We are all so incredibly lucky. We're healthy, educated, literate, comparatively wealthy, mobile and so much more. We can make independent decisions and act upon them. Think of the millions, if not billions of women for whom that's completely unthinkable. We are the lucky ones.

My only advice to go with your feelings, no matter what. I suspect I touched a raw nerve last night and for that I apologise. I didn't want to cause more pain but can't see DP giving you what you obviously need right now which is love and support. If he's willing to father your child it needs more contact than a movie date to sustain your love and dedication surely?

I've probably said too much so will back off. Again, I apologise if I went too far. My opinions are just that, mine and not yours. You must follow your heart vs. head if that's what feels right. You are still grieving following your result and shouldn't forget to be kind to yourself.

hugs
Debra

randa2006 · Post by **randa2006** » Sun May 22, 2005 12:01 am

There's a great new book out titled "He's just not that into you." And it's written by a man who tells all the dirty little secrets that men are keeping when they string women along.
I got it for my daughters because I don't ever want them to find themselves wasting their lives on a guy that is looking for a BBD (bigger better deal) to come along, but keeping his options open in case she turns out to be handy. NO THANK YOU! I'd rather see them alone than living their lives on HOLD.

My heart goes out to you Emily. But like the song goes....You'll only miss the man you wanted him to be.

Come back to the states and you can have a baby with a sperm donor. You are only 42, you've still got time.

DebraP · Post by **DebraP** » Sun May 22, 2005 8:05 am

Hi Randa,

I saw the authors being interviewed on Oprah, they were writers on Sex and The City and said the line was used in an episode but they suddenly realised that it was a pivotal idea and hence the book. Seemed to make tonnes of sense.

The last time I was single and looking seriously to date (living in Sydney, 98), I followed 'The Rules' which are laughably old-fashioned but that's the point. Full of stuff about waiting for him to make the move because if he doesn't it's probably because 'he's just not that into you'. Funny how things come around!

D.

Emily Rose · Post by **Emily Rose** » Sun May 22, 2005 10:10 am

I guess I'd like to take my love life off line now.

And everyone here has their own accepted list of ways to have a baby. Sperm donation for me is not one.

Emily

taylorjools · Post by **taylorjools** » Sun May 22, 2005 5:04 pm

Hi Randa

how are you doin' ???

bigJ

Sand · Post by **Sand** » Sun May 22, 2005 5:44 pm

Debra .... I hope your appointment tomorrow is useful, and you get a clue re timescales for next cycle. It will definitely help focus on that dieting/toning up you were talking about the other day - and I think I might just join you on that .... I've put an enormous amount of flab on this last couple of months .... quite shocking really. So, I need to do something about it before it gets completely out of control. Cyber sit-ups ?

Hope you had a pleasant evening last night ....? ... Do tell !!

Sandra x

DebraP · Post by **DebraP** » Sun May 22, 2005 6:19 pm

Thank you for remembering Sandra.

Last night's 'date' was fun. We cooked together then watched the Eurovision song contest and giggled and sniggered for hours at the commentary (yay for BBC Prime). We drank a bottle of bubbly which (as my first drink in 4m) knocked me for six. We were both trying to do our first sudoku puzzle and failed miserably! Except for Moldova's poor showing, a good night!

Yes I'm optimistic about tomorrow morning's apt. except they're not going to say much more than when we can try again. At least it's a start.

Healthy eating not going so well. I find comfort eating a total joy so snapping out of it a problem when DF works nights, there's no one to keep me in check or stop me from snacking. Mind you, I bought a skirt yesterday for our Sicilian trip and needed a size smaller than I expected, probably just dodgy sizing but very welcome all the same.

On the mend I guess. I went back to the GYN ward at the hosp yesterday as I was so worried about my stitches but they said they were fine, I guess some pain and red/soreness is to be expected. AF only going to be around another day or two I'd guess, it's been over a week so WAY longer than usual. Emotionally, getting better and better. Back to work tomorrow as well so that will help put things behind me. I'm black and blue (actually blue/green) on both arms from all the blood tests and IVs so will have to wear long sleeves for a while but once that's faded, I'm pretty much there.

Thanks again for asking. Can I ask how you're feeling. It's only been a few days but I've noticed you're talking positively about the future. Are you back at work tomorrow? How's DF taking it?

hugs
Debra

The Over 40 Crowd

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