Gobsmacked!!!!!!!

tshepher · Post by **tshepher** » Mon Nov 25, 2002 10:55 am

Hi All Needed to bounce this one of you all before I go mad. Went to a friends house for dinner on Saturday night, just routine nothing special when just between the starter and the main course she hits me with the offer to be a host mother !!!! She has a 12 week old baby and says that she feels so desperately sorry that we haven't been successful that is it worth us wasting any more money on me trying to carry a baby full term when it might be better to use her. I was totally dumb-struck. Firstly because I hadn't considered it and two because of her genuine concern and generosity. As she pointed out she's 5 years younger than me, fell pregnant naturally the first month of trying (behind her husband's back cooincidentally) and had a trouble free pg and birth. Obviously DH and I know we can produce grade 1 eggs and swimmers so she would purely be the host to carry the baby. I'm still in a state of shock because although I desperately want a baby I sort of always held onto the dream that I would carry that baby myself and enjoy the whole experience but am I being selfish? if this is the only chance I have of giving DH the baby we both long for should I seriously consider her offer? Her husband has been friends with my DH since they were 11 so we know them very well but is this another thing to be wary of in case it all goes wrong.How would we all feel? Spent two VERY sleepless nights thinking about this and have well and truly disappeared up my own backside so thought I'd ask the only peeople I could for your opinions. Has anyone else considered this? I don't even know if English law allows for it??? Dazed and confused Terri xxxx [Edited by tshepher on 25-Nov-02 10:57]

Tracey D · Post by **Tracey D** » Mon Nov 25, 2002 11:07 am

HI! Blimey I'm not surprised you're gobsmacked, it's not really what you would expect someone to come out with. As you said there is obviously a lot to think about. How does her husband feel about it? The one thing to remember is that the baby will be genetically yours so technically it has nothing to do with her. I can't see that she would change her mind and want to keep it once the baby is born because genetically it has nothing to do with her or her husband but I don't know where the law stands with that. I remember seeing a documentary once where a woman had her sister's baby and although genetically the baby wasn't hers she still had to have her name on the birth certificate because legally she gave birth to the child. I think the woman fought it out in court to get her name on the birth certificate and won but I'm not even sure if it was in this country or abroad. I don't know your situation and therefore don't know what your reason is for having IVF. But you obviously have a lot to think about. Good Luck Tracey D

tshepher · Post by **tshepher** » Mon Nov 25, 2002 11:20 am

Hi Tracey, Thanks for your reply. I have been pg twice before (naturally) but MC at 7 and 9 weeks and we've just had a failed 1st attempt at IVF. IVF was thought to be the best route for us as it's taken me years to fall pg and when I do I don't seem to be able to retain it and although they've done loads of tests I fall under the "just one of those things" categories, i.e no medical reason. DH was surprised but is open to the idea. Equates it to when we thought we might have to use donor sperm before his test results came back OK. The idea really upset him initially but then he thought he would be selfish if he refused what could have been our only chance purely based on what he saw as male pride. Is this my equivalent? God my brain hurts!! Terri xx

Lissa · Post by **Lissa** » Mon Nov 25, 2002 11:52 am

Cor blimey! Pass the peas!!!! Hi Terri I presume this was an open discussion between all four of you? What did dh say? Funnily enough my best friend has offered to do the same for me. She is five months pregnant at the moment with her second. Brett and I have discussed using a surrogate mother if IVF doesn't work for us but we thought that maybe it would be better to have somebody who we don't know. Its a really tough call but i think it is the most amazing thing to do for somebody. I am sure she would have thought about it long and hard before offering. What a friend! How many times have you tried IVF - also what is the difference in ET working on her and not on you? I would have thought that your embryos would have more of a chance in you than a foreign body? Probably haven't make your predicament any better but thought I would drop you a line anyway. GOOD LUCK Lol Lissa xxx

andreaj · Post by **andreaj** » Mon Nov 25, 2002 12:50 pm

WOW!! How did you manage to eat your meal after being hit with that one? I bet your chin hit the table with a thud! This is a real big one, but hopefully your friend must have thought it through long and hard, and discussed it with her husband before actually saying something to you. If you can get a copy of December's Eve magazine, there's an article in there about a woman who acted as a host womb for another couple - the article looked at the whole issue, emotionally and physically from both sides, as well as going into the legal aspect if it all. If you can't get it, let me know, and I'll find my copy and post it to you. Best of luck, whatever you decide to do. Andrea <><

tshepher · Post by **tshepher** » Mon Nov 25, 2002 1:04 pm

Andrea, You're so sweet, thanks but my friend had that magazine and had been using it for reference. She wanted me to read it but I was so pole-axed by the whole conversation I couldn't pick it up and just hit the red wine instead. Her and her husband had talked it through even to point of what if something went wrong and they couldn't have any more children afterwards. This site has got a pretty comprehensive section on surrogacy but it sounds hugely daunting, not even from a medical perspective but more on the legalities. Thanks again Terri

alison p · Post by **alison p** » Mon Nov 25, 2002 4:18 pm

Oooh - what a dilemma! I guess that you all have to really think hard about the implications of this. Isn't there a surrogacy association in the UK? Perhaps they could help you out. I've often toyed with the idea of asking my friend to be a surrogate for me and my husband, but only as a joke - I don't think that she would do it for us. No wonder your head hasn't stopped spinning since Sat night - what a night to remember! Good luck in whatever you decide to do. Alison

cath · Post by **cath** » Mon Nov 25, 2002 4:20 pm

hi terri what a coincedence, my sister offered me the same thing on saturday night too! i've just failed my second ivf af came today reliable as ever. i've had 3 iui's and 2 ivf's and i don't know how much more i can go thruogh,i know i've got to try and decide when to stop if i decide to try again i think by using my sister with my embryos it may increase chances of it working she's got 2 kids never tried for more than a month to get pregnant i've know tried for 11 years. my insides are covered with endometriosis and have been for years so i don't think things will work out for me as for the legal side of things if your friend or my sister did get preg i think you then have to adopt the baby as someone else has given birth to it.i know exactly how you feel and i can't really offer much advice i hope things work out for you xx

Wicked Lady · Post by **Wicked Lady** » Mon Nov 25, 2002 5:30 pm

Hi Terri What an amazing mate. When me and my friend had been trying for two years we both promised each other that if one of us could have a child and the other one couldn't we would be surrogates for each other. We really looked into it and then she fell pregnant naturally, they had been diagnosed with unexplained, her son is nearly two and she has never mentioned it since and I do not like too. There was a case of a sister who had her sister and brother in laws twins through IVF, it was shown on Sky this year but was a eight year old repeat of Robert Winstons 'Making Babies', the sister that could have children, had already tried for the sister who couldn't six times and this was the final attempt. She had boys and although biologically they were not hers, her name was on the certificate causing alot of distress to all concerned. They went to court and got it changed. It was beautiful and I cried my eyes out.The babies left hospital in Arsenal romper suits bought by their biological dad talk about brain washing ! But sweet though. Good luck whatever you decide to do LOL Nicola xxx

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