A Very Sad Day

[Sharajade]

Today is 2 days before I was due to test, and also 4 days before my approaching Birthday.

I had my one and only egg, which had miraculously fertilised and survived, and the embryo was dividing fine, transferred on 26 May.
My Pregnancy test was due on 9th June - this Thursday - and although I had had two small very slight bleeds last week, I was feeling ok. Yesterday I felt really down, and last night I had what I would deem as period pains.
Then, I was woken up at 5.30am this morning by bleeding quite heavily and clotting. From that, I guess I am miscarrying again. How many times does this have to happen? I was just starting to think that something may actually work the first time after all we have been through to try to achieve a child over the last 6 years, and there you go....life sucks sometimes!

I guess I will still have to do the test on Thursday, though I know its not gonna be positive, and if it is then it will probably be just the remains of my hormones which possibly haven't kicked out yet.

I feel so sad. When I miscarried last year, after getting pregnant by sheer fluke while not on any medication, that was a bad time for me and it was a fairly early miscarriage....I reckoned I was around 5 weeks or so. Now, just as I am almost getting to 4 weeks (or two after embryo transfer) I am dealt this blow. I am a very strong person normally, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I just feel like my world has just caved in.

All I have ever wanted to be was a mother, and now I have three spirit babies in my lifetime, all taken from me, all of which were wanted and would have been sooo loved. I just feel so sad, and I hate this feeling-sorry-for-myself part, but I can't help it! No-one knows what to say and so they just say to keep my chin up and they are sorry, and not to stop trying. I know this is cause they are sad for me, or dont know what to say, but it just doesnt help sometimes.

Sorry to bring this sadness to the boards, but I need somehow to get it off my chest, make it more real. I keep hoping I will wake up and find it is all a dream....but I know it isnt.

Wishing all of you waiters out there good luck for your upcoming tests. Sprinkling out the babydust, so that someone will have a nice happy day.....even if its not me.

Love n stuff, (a very sad) Shara xxx

[cmg]

Shara

I'm so so sorry to hear your sad news. As I said to Quasi earlier, who is also bleeding before her test date, there is still a glimmer of a chance, as some people do seem to bleed and still be pregnant.

But it sounds like you know your own body and I'm not going to pretend that plenty of PMA is going to make a difference. We both know that nothing anyone says is going to make it any better, so I'm not even going to try and find any wise words (but I won't tell you to keep your chin up either). I hope it's helped a tiny bit to get some of it out of your system on the board and to know we are out here and really do get how awful it is for you. I get it so much that I find I am welling up typing this.

The world can be a very unfair place and sometimes horrible things happen to really nice people. It's strange to think of you in, actually I don't know where, and Quasi in Kuala Lumpur going through the same sort of thing, with exactly the same fears, in different parts of the world. I don't know if it helps to know that you're not alone. But you're not.

Take care. Be thinking of you.

Caroline

[AliasR]

Dear Shara

You got me crying with your post but that's ok, crying also helps to release the pain.

I am so terrribly sorry and i just wish there was something i could do to make your pain go away. Cause it's so damn hard. But i'm glad you were able to share it with us.

a big hug

Rita

[Bronagh]

I have also been trying for 6 years and have had 3 failed IVF attempts, I thought I was working things through alright but the ever time I had a follow up appointment I would burst into tears.
Each clinic must provide counseling as part of their treatment package for which you are not to pay and I decided to go and see what was on offer. I had a number of sessions with the counsellor and it really help me work through all the sadness,she said that when infertility treatment doesnt work its like going through a death and each time it doesnt work we need time to grieve . This has healped me greatly and I really would recommend you contact your counsellor to help you work through this. I tried to just shake it off and it didnt go.

You deserve to be looked after , think about getting an appointment.

regards
Bron

[LittleP]

Shara

Oh my dear, I hope that you are alright - try and get plenty of R&R as Caroline says there is still hope and other girls have tested positive after AF signs appeared.

Sending you loads of PMA and hugs.

Take care of yourself.

Little P

[LittleP]

Hi Bron

Good to see you around - how are you feeling?

Big hugs

Little P

[Alison]

Hi there Shara - I'm really sorry to read your post and your news. I'm in a similar position to you (and Bron). Found out today that the low positive we'd had yesterday had gone down, so it is definitely no go this time. This was our 7th cycle in total (6 fresh, 1 frozen) and, as you say, it is so unfair that we cannot do this basic simple thing that women and girls all over the world can do.

I don't know the answer. Counselling as Bron says can help for some, although its not something we've tried. We did though take 18 months "off" from our last go to this one, and that helped me (and DH especially) to rebuild our lives a bit in the expectation that we may well not have children, as well as considering more seriously other avenues such as adoption.

If you are right and its not worked out for you do give yourself some time before you decide what to do next, and I do believe you will know what is right for you. And let those around you who clearly love you but don't know quite what to do do their best for you and your partner. With love

Alison x

[quasi]

Shara, i am so sorry to hear your news. I just came across this thread. I've started bleeding more heavily too and am on my way to the clinic.. probably to have a good cry in front of everyone.

It's surprising how our dates are so similar. We both did our ER and ET on the same days, PT to be on the same day and started bleeding on the same day. my birthday is just a few days from yours.. it was on 6 June. Was really hoping for a birthday surprise too.

best of luck for tomorrow.. from the bottom of my heart. I will pray for you too.

xx quasi

[Nolan]

Hi Shara, I had a BF NEGATIVE yesterday morning, 1 very clear line. I can relate to exactly what you are going through, I'm 6.5 years ttc and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

I knew in my heart (funny place to feel it ehh!!) I wasn't pg. I can't talk about it or think about it coz I'll break my heart crying, so I'm numb.

We can't get pg on our own, can't with medical help, maybe alien intervention might help!! I feel totally and utterly useless as a woman. I'm devasted after everythin we've been thru I thought something might go our way. It's so easy for some people, I can honestly say I can never see me with my own baby. I have such a pain in my heart. Poor DH doesn't know what to say to me, i think he's waiting for the melt down (so am I).

We're very limited with our options and clinics because of the transfer procedure I need (I can't even be normal with that) so the odds were always against us.

Sorry for the moan, I know you've all had your own heartache to deal with in the past and mine is no more painful than yours - but it bloody hurts like hell. xxxx

[ESTHER]

Shara

How sad I was to hear your news, Iam so sorry and wish I had all the magic words to make you feel better. You did well in letting off the anger in you, thats why we are hear. MY HEARTFELT PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU AT THE MOMENT.

Am on my day 2 of my tow wks. I dont know what to do with myself.
All I can say is WE ARE TOGETHER IN THIS BATTLE, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Hope you will give yourself time recover emotionally before you start all over again.

[Sharajade]

Thank you everyone who replied.
I am sorry, but being off work all last week I didnt have my computer to post my reply on!!! This is the first time Im back at work and so can access my emails.
Your heartfelt feelings and words meant such a lot to me, and I am only sorry for the other lady(or ladies) in the same boat as me with the bleeding, but am sincerely hoping their results are better than mine were, and their results are good - I wish them every happiness and a positive result.
I cant say that I am feeling very normal at the minute, rather that
I have been upset, sad, and feeling very, very lost.
I am a very strong person, and things like this do affect you and hit you hard - more sometimes than you think.
I did the PT as the hospital told me to, but it was negative, and my birthday came and went - not exactly a happy time.
Anyway, I know that it will take some weeks for me to become anywhere near "normal" me again. That I am prepared for. I know there are times when I just cry at nothing.....then I remember what I have been through and it doesn't seem like nothing after all.
I know from last years miscarriage, that it will take time....and time is a great healer. You never forget, but you learn to cope.

I dont feel ready for counselling. I managed last year to get through on my own, and while I didnt forget, the pain got easier and I coped. Its only now it brings it all back really.

I have asked for a follow-up appt with the Doctors, to discuss the situation and see what they think. I am gonna ask about the Fibroid, the cysts on my ovaries, the severe hormonal imbalances, and ask if all these things can contribute to stopping me carrying past an early stage.
I am gonna ask about tests on the cysts on my ovaries, to see if the cysts produce more hormones and these along with the imbalance in my hormonal levels anyway join together to stop me carrying past early stages of pregnancy, as indeed happened last year.

There's probably no easy answer to this, and no easy solution - thats the joy of PCOS. I guess the other things just add to that.

Anyway, Ive never been a quitter, and I am not going to start now!
So, I am starting on the journey to picking myself up and dusting myself off, ready in a few months' time to start the last cycle. And hoping that this one works. This will be the second (and last) funded cycle.

I now have 3 babies in total in spirit, and I just hope and pray that I am allowed to keep the next one and prove what a great Mum I could be.

Im back at work this week....needed to keep my mind off things, and the bleeding has stopped, so at least that is one less hassle.

My parents, partner, friends and family have all been great really. Its very hard when you are so independent and in this kind of situation, because you dont want to burden other people...although I know they don't see it at all like that.

Anyway, to all the girls in a similar position.....my email is always open!!
sharajade@yahoo.com I am thankful I found this site, and thankful that I can still read the good and the bad times that others are going through. Kinda makes me feel more human and normal, and less alone.

I really hope that the posts for the testers are good ones, and hope that one day soon I too get a chance to post good news. Thanks very much for your kind support and words, and I am truly touched by your replies.
I wish you all the very best, and will be dropping back in regularly to view the posts and see how you are all getting on.

Sending my portion of Babydust out there to someone who needs it.
xxxxxx Shara

[ogr1]

i have been sitting here thinking of what i could say , but i cant just seem to get them to go together..

please know that i am thinking of you and that my heart goes out to you.

becky

[LittleP]

Shara

I am so sorry, but as Becky said it's very difficult to say the right words right now.

You do sound like a strong woman, but rest assured we are always here in case your strength wains and you feel like being propped up.

Take care of yourself.

With love, hugs and PMA

Little P