A Very Sad Day

[Sharajade]

Today is 2 days before I was due to test, and also 4 days before my approaching Birthday.

I had my one and only egg, which had miraculously fertilised and survived, and the embryo was dividing fine, transferred on 26 May.
My Pregnancy test was due on 9th June - this Thursday - and although I had had two small very slight bleeds last week, I was feeling ok. Yesterday I felt really down, and last night I had what I would deem as period pains.
Then, I was woken up at 5.30am this morning by bleeding quite heavily and clotting. From that, I guess I am miscarrying again. How many times does this have to happen? I was just starting to think that something may actually work the first time after all we have been through to try to achieve a child over the last 6 years, and there you go....life sucks sometimes!

I guess I will still have to do the test on Thursday, though I know its not gonna be positive, and if it is then it will probably be just the remains of my hormones which possibly haven't kicked out yet.

I feel so sad. When I miscarried last year, after getting pregnant by sheer fluke while not on any medication, that was a bad time for me and it was a fairly early miscarriage....I reckoned I was around 5 weeks or so. Now, just as I am almost getting to 4 weeks (or two after embryo transfer) I am dealt this blow. I am a very strong person normally, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I just feel like my world has just caved in.

All I have ever wanted to be was a mother, and now I have three spirit babies in my lifetime, all taken from me, all of which were wanted and would have been sooo loved. I just feel so sad, and I hate this feeling-sorry-for-myself part, but I can't help it! No-one knows what to say and so they just say to keep my chin up and they are sorry, and not to stop trying. I know this is cause they are sad for me, or dont know what to say, but it just doesnt help sometimes.

Sorry to bring this sadness to the boards, but I need somehow to get it off my chest, make it more real. I keep hoping I will wake up and find it is all a dream....but I know it isnt.

Wishing all of you waiters out there good luck for your upcoming tests. Sprinkling out the babydust, so that someone will have a nice happy day.....even if its not me.

Love n stuff, (a very sad) Shara xxx

[seepi]

I feel for you. But maybe there is still some hope.
I am going through a similar thing. I've been told my very early pregnancy has ended, but I need to wait for my body to miscarry naturally. It is driving me crazy. I think this is the one that is making me think I cna't do this anymore.
I know exactly what you are gong through. You are very strong to be able to do this at all.
Stay strong and have hope (for this time or the next time.)
best wishes.

[DeniseM]

Seepi,

I too found the wait the hardest part of the miscarriage, not that any part of it was fun.

I bled for 2 and a half weeks, and it was like a wait was finally lifted when it was done. I knew it had to happen, and that I couldn't move forward until it was done.

Sharajade,

Take care of yourself. That's the only way to survive this. There are many strong women on this site that have all seen the bottom of the pool of this process. Combinations of grief, hormones, expectations, etc can knock any of us down. I believe time heals, and that keeps me keeping on. You're in my thoughts.

[Sharajade]

To Seepi and Denise,
Thanks for replying to my post.
I did my PT last thursday as requested by hospital, but it was negative as indeed I thought it would be. Bled very heavily losing an awful lot, and so had to have the week off work.
Still in a sad place, but knowing I have to pick myself up and get on with it - although I know its not gonna be easy.

Many thanks for your lovely words. I would not wish a situation like this on my worst enemy......but I am so grateful I found this site and at least I dont feel alone. THere are other people who dont have an easy life, just like me, who have to go through these trials. That helps, because I dont feel so abnormal or alone.

The bleeding has tailed off now, thankfully. I started back at work today...only way to keep my mind off things. So, the healing process is now underway.

I wait now for the next (and last) funded cycle, and hope and pray that as there are now 3 babies in spirit, they let me keep the next one.

Wishing you both all the best in the quest we all are facing.
Sending you both some babydust, and hoping that we all have some good, positive news to post really soon, if not this time.

Love Shara xx

[ogr1]

you keep hanging on..

mc are so hard.. and you are right about not wishing them on anyone.

just always remember that yu have friends here..
becky

[abogenpohl]

shara I am so deeply saddened and touched by ur story. i am sorry to hear that it didn't work its a gut wrenching feeling to have and no I don't wish upon my worst enemy the pain that is involved with the loss of an innocent baby that sounds like they would of been so blessed and loved to have an earth mother like you. Hang in there I have myself lost four angel babies to God. It never gets any easier and everyone sets u back furthur and furthur from your goal! Be strong and may god bless you with peace and understanding. keep in touch thanks, abogenpohl

[mally]

Sorry about what happened, but please get the Doctors to find out exactly what could be causing these miscarriages, it is essential. You are in our prayers and it will come to pass in God's perfect time for you.

[baylorbear33]

Shara, I just wanted to pass along that I too feel your pain, and you just have to keep plugging away. I have lost 4 angels throughout our journey to start a family, one at 7 weeks, two at 19 weeks, and our last at 5 1/2 weeks. We just did our last and final transfer this past Monday, so we are just waiting to see what happens. I can tell you what has helped us. We started heavily researching adoption and even attended an orientation at a very well-known agency. It gave us great hope to know that we will be parents one way or another. I know that how you start your family is a very personal decision, but I encourage you to consider adoption if you are unable to have a biologicial child. It was very difficult for us to get over the loss of our twins at 19 weeks, and it was difficult for us to wrap our heads around the fact that we may never have a biological child, but I can tell you that knowing we have a plan and knowing that adoption is a possibility for us brought us to a much happier place in our lives. I wish you the best for your future. Angel