Dealing with -ve

[annieb]

Hi all, have been reading this for weeks but never been brave enough to join in!

Was due to test on wed 22nd but started to bleed on sunday morning (fathers day - typical) and just kept on bleeding. Initially we stayed positive as the nurse had said dont immediately presume it to be negative, but there is only so much hope you can have under the circumstances isnt there? Not surprisingly the test was -ve on wed.

I have gone through all sorts of emotions and have reached the point of feeling sick at the bottom of my stomach as well as being quite weepy, problem is DH. He has completely withdrawn into himself and wont talk about it. We have been able to be so open through all of this with each other that this is really hard to deal with. I have got a v good friend who is currently in the middle of her first IVF cycle and a great sis in law who i have talked to but it isnt the same.

Anyway, we know that we need to leave some time before making any decisions, i swing from NEVER wanting to do the treatment again to wanting to start again in september. I even looked into the adoption process and thought it looked even harder than this!

All I want is to get a period each month and then i might stand a chance of doing this naturally - and I am SO fed up with people who say - Ooo you lucky thing not to have periods! Grggh.

If anyone else has just had a -ve i'd be interested to hear how you are doing.

[sleepyfoy]

My first IVF failed as well- I sound out2 days before our test date- I just didn't feel right so I took a pee test then I called the dr and they verified it with a blood test. Everything looked good and they don't know why. Since the 16th of june, I have been back twice for different things and different tests. Tenatively my dr. put me on baby aspirin(81mg) some believe that helps, she doesn't, but to appease me she said I could do it. Getting through this is hard- I cry at least everyday- Your eyes are the windows to the world and even if I try to fake it, most people know I am sad. I am doing acupuncture right now with a woman who specializes in infertility. It made me a little sad yesterday because she leaves you alone to relax and all I did was think about my failure. My inlaws come tomorrow for a visit and they know what has happened but they havent' said anything to me yet- which makes me sad.... My husband has been great- I'm sad. Hope you are doing well
Jodi(sleepyfoy)

[CJB]

Hi Annie, really sorry that it hasn't worked for you this time. You'll find that many of the girls here have suffered disappointment and I know its a cliche but it does get easier. After my -ve in May I didn't think that I could face going through it again, not because of the drugs or the surgery but emotionally. Now I can't wait to get started. I've learned from my first attempt and intend to do things a bit different next time, be a little healthier, take things a little easier. I wouldn't say that DH and I have really analysed the whole thing much we just cried a lot together at the time. His way of dealing with it seemed to be to get the next go sorted straight away, he was on the phone the day of the test trying to get it all sorted which horrified me at the time! Unfortunately we've had a bit of a hiccup since then but hopefully we'll get going in early 2006.

Give you DH a bit of time, I think its difficult for men because although they're obviously involved in the process they're sort of removed too. He'll feel bad for you and just not know how to make it right.

Hope you're feeling better soon and crying is good. No good bottling things up.

Take care

Claire x

[ogr1]

hello and glad that you have found this forum..

ivf is very hard and you can find yourself feeling all alone.

try not to do that..


it always amazes me how close we become here even tho we have never met..

i am very sorry about your neg.. they are always a huge hit in the gut.

adoption can be very hard. and it can cost alot.. we have adopted are foster children and at times it has been very hard but ours where older and have been put threw alot..

i cant fathum ever loving another child more then i have loved them..

i hope you can find some answers..
becky

[Sand]

Hi Annie - Glad you've decided to post at last ..! Sorry to hear you've had bad news this cycle. I too have bled before test days, and know just how hard and cruel all of this is. Take some time out, to rejuvenate and repair, and things will start to improve. You can then come back in Sep feeling fresh and ready to kick ass ! (That's the theory anyway ..!).

I'm sure you dh will be suffering in silence .. maybe he just needs some time out to work it through in his head. Mine often does that ... at some point it all just has to come out.

Take care

Sandra x

[pixiesmom]

Annie,
I just started spotting today & I am supposed to test tommorow I know that some people have spotting & are pg, but I also know I won't be one of them. I have considered not testing just out of anger & frustration, but I know I need to. This wasn't a huge shock to me this time since I knew my embies weren't great, but I still hoped & prayed for +ive. My dh is an optimist, so I think more upset than me. I am going to try again in Aug. hopefully & next time I will use donor egg/sperm. Anyway, I'm right here with you.

Pixiesmom

[annieb]

Thanks for all the replies, I feel shattered with emotion today. Even got a headache too!

Oh Pixiesmom its awful isn't it? i was so shocked when i saw the blood, I guess although I thought it may well be a -ve at least it wouldn't be so cruel to let me know that way.

You should still go through the test if only to have something you can throw across the room in anger!

I'd had to have 6 amps of menopur and an extra week too, so when they collected 13 eaggs, 11 of which fertilised we were over the moon. Had visions of plenty of frozen cycles to go at if it didn't work. BUT when we went in for ET they said 2 were 'lovely' but the others were only grade 3 and not suitable for freezing. We were gutted. So ALL our hope has been on the 2 embies as we have to start all over if we decide to do it again.

DH is at least speaking to me now....

My friend had her scan today and has to have more drugs to get the follicles going a bit more, she was so supportive for me before I hope I can remain positive for her.

Annie

[pixiesmom]

Annie,
At least you had 2 "lovely" ones. That's hopeful. I had 13 eggs, 10 mature, 10 fertilized (icsi) & 7 excellent on day 3 & by day 5 only 2 & they were "not so good". It is most likely sperm or egg problems, so I definitely will go for donor in Aug.

Remember you're not alone

Pixiesmom

[NickiMark]

I had a BPN last month. I was due to test on the Thurs but started bleeding on Mon. I know where ur at, I know it's shit but soon your'll be able to get back up and try again. I am sorry that dh is bottling things. To be honest mine has been differnt not talking about it but he's different to me. I know that souunds silly I know he loves me but it's just different ??

Hugs to you my dear. x x I hope u smile again soon x x

[lumi]

Annie

I know exactly how you feel - my -ve in March was awful. However, I PROMISE is does get better. Infact, that first -ve rules out all thoses little thoughts in your mind that make you think that it will work first time. I started worrying that 'if it doesnt work now, it never will'. But as you know from this board, thats just not true. I felt so excited starting this try, even more so than the first and cant wait to be on m y 2ww again. you will get there!

I thought my DH was coping very well, very supportive etc. He only has me to talk to about this. then one night before ET he broke down and wept and wept. He felt very angry that we had to do this. I think this got it out of his system, men need to get cross and then get through it! He still laughs at himself that night, but feels better for it. Now he gets support from this site through me. It's like reasuurance that others are doing the same thing.

Well, good luck with the rest of this rollercoaster ride!

Love Lumi xxxxx

[cmg]

Annie, I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through. I haven't experienced a negative (and I'm trying really hard here not to say "yet" as ET is on Thurs). But last year my first cycle was abandoned after I was rushed into intensive care and nearly died. DH & I had a lot of feelings to deal with after that, naturally. What was difficult sometimes was that we dealt with things at completely different times. He went through a lot of emotional stuff immediately because he was terrified that I might die. Whereas by the time I knew anything about it I was out of danger, so that feeling of "oh my god I could have died" didn't kick in for weeks.

Even though you've both been things at the same time, you're both likely to process things at different rates - everyone is different. Anyway, I hope you're both doing ok and that you can find ways to support each other.


Lumi, I think your post raises a really interesting question about where do men get their support through all this? Mostly it just seems to be through us and we're not always in the best place to give support. Plus they think they should be supporting us so it can be a recipe for things getting bottled up.

My DH is a very "open with his feelings" kind of man but even he hasn't wanted to talk about IVF much. On the practical side, I've mostly just got on with it on my own, though he's been very emotionally supportive of me. I don't mind that but I think it means he hasn't been involved enough. It all seemed to come to a head for us on Wed when we both went to the clinic for my scan and he had to give another sample. All the feelings he had came out about how it was horrible that we have to go through this and does he really want to be a dad at 48 and all his memories of the terrible terrible time we went through last year and his fears that he might have lost me then and maybe he will this time, etc etc. Unfortunately all these feelings surfaced when he was in the little room trying to produce a sample, so he had to have 2 goes at it, separated by a walk round the block!

Anyway, my point really is should there be more support for men? I have wondered about getting him to start a thread for men but I don't know whether our DHs/DPs would use it. Maybe they wouldn't want us seeing what they'd written - or vice versa!

BTW, Lumi we seem to be on the same sort of track. When is your ET scheduled for? Mine's Thursday.

Caroline

[annieb]

I agree, there doesn't seem to be much support for men through this. Not sure if a message board would be most men's style, but who knows unless you try?

My DH found the whole process at the clinic very isolating for him, he felt that often he was in the way. When it came to the scans he had to ask to be allowed in and said he felt as though he was being awkward by doing it. I think the clinic should be MUCH more sensitive to the needs of both partners, we had one doctor who was as bad at giving good news as she was at bad!

He is very angry at the moment that we have to do any of this, and that it can go so far and then all fall away. I think when we do begin to discuss the idea of what next it will be whether we can emotionally deal with it all again, it is so easy to be pessimistic and presume another failure. Thats why we haven't even begun to make any decisions yet!

Thanks for the support,
Annie x

[julesg]

Hi All

I had my first -ve on 13th May I was ok for a few days and then it hit me really hard - it does get better. One thing I read on here (I think it may have been Sandra who said it ) but that you may also be on a "downer" after coming off all the drugs and that you shouldn't wake up each day and think I will be better today. So I took the advice and the "gloom" as I called it did lift and I am now waiting to start again August/september time which I am excited about.

I know what you all mean about the poor men - I think that they really get forgotton in all this. My DH doesn't talk about it much - which worries me. I think we both felt soo much better after our follow up appointment. He gets angry with the hospital sometimes and the last consultant we saw explained things really well so we are happier

Everyone reacts differently - it can work first time but as we know not always

Good luck - take care of yourself - you will know what to do for the best - don't let anyone rush you into anything and take any counselling if you think you need it
LOL
Julie

[annieb]

Thanks Julie,

I have stopped trying to force myself to feel better and am going with the flow. I keep thinking I am ok and then I feel completely exhausted and spaced out. I guess there will still be some drugs left inthe system and the emotional stress must take its toll physically.

Am trying to be positive though and have launched into my healthy eating regime with gusto. I've even written off for some info about accupuncture. Who knows, maybe I can get this machine working itself!

[gailbunny]

I Had a -ve on my first IVF treatment. My emotions were all over the place.

Have now picked myself up and currently waiting for follow up appointment to find out whether or not they will allow us to have another go.

DP couldnt understand why I was upset and felt like he couldnt help me.

Read about your DH having to ask to be involved, he has every entitlement my DP was allowed in every appointment.

The support on here is amazing even when you dont post regularly.

Take time to look after yourselves because after all you are both special to each other.

Gail