I can't cope

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Fri May 27, 2005 1:21 am

when our twins where dead inside of me
i wanted to die to.. i kept thinking how could they be in there if they where dead..
i thought for sure that the doctor was wrong..
my body kept my twins in there .. i didnt want them to go.
they did a d &c which now i regret so much..
they had to do another ultra sound before i was convenced that they where dead...

i truly felt that i had betrayed myself and my babies..

it was so hard knowing that i was pregnant but couldnt be happy .. there little tiny hearts had stopped.. i kept willing them to start again..
it was christmas so i thought forsure that it would happen..
after all i have tons of faith and i did everything that i was supposed to do..

but that didnt happen. i know that heavenly father has helped me get threw this awful loss.. and it wasnt gods plan for my children to die..

i dont know if any of this helps..
but please know the days and nights do get better.. and the wounds do heal but there will always be a scar..

Kellie_L · Post by **Kellie_L** » Tue Jun 07, 2005 7:27 pm

Hi Everyone

The first thing I want to say is I'm so sorry to hear about your babies Denise and Sopie. If there is ever anyway I can help out, even if it's just a moan about how unfair things are then I'm here. I also want to say congrats to Sophie about the surviving baby, how much love is that little one gonna get!!! Please keep us up to date on how things go!

I haven't been on for a while as I had my birthday recently so that was hard to get through. I have finally started to move on though, I have found a new job and am looking to move house in the next month. So, hopefully things will start getting better! I have decided I'm not going to try for another baby anytime soon. I'm still terrified of going through this again. I really admire these people that go through one after another but I don't think I'm as brave as that! At the moment I'm just smothering my 8wk old nephew with love.

I would really love Bubba's name to be on the angel creche rollcall. If anyone can help please do. My name's Kellie my baby Bubba was lost on the 14th April but would have been due 1st December. I don't know what information is needed.

Thanks to everyone that sent all the comforting messeges, I really don't know what I would have done had it not been for this place and you lot!

Kellie xx

sophiejane · Post by **sophiejane** » Thu Jun 23, 2005 8:01 pm

Hi Kellie,
Glad to see you have been able to move on a bit, but very aware that you will never forget baby bubba. I will have a go at adding bubba to the angel creche rollcall for you. If it doesn't work we will have to wait for someone with more skills than I.
Denise,
I still feel very sad everytime I see twins, and am sure that when my precious little girl is born I will grieve all over again for my other baby that should have been. I can understand how the natural miscarriage would have helped, but it still must have been a very hard day for you.

best wishes to you both
Love from Soph

DeniseM · Post by **DeniseM** » Thu Jun 23, 2005 9:08 pm

Sophie,
Thank you for adding Sydney to the angel creche, I really appreciate it. I imagine Dagny will be back around when she's healed from the loss of her baby.

I do like hearing about other people who've lived through and survived a miscarriage. It's hard not knowing if things will ever work out.

Your caring words mean alot.

taylorjools · Post by **taylorjools** » Mon Jul 04, 2005 6:53 pm

We had been to the gynae on the Friday and had our scan, she was so excited as she knew our story and is doing everything to support us. We had a lovely heartbeat, and a lovely weekend. I don't think I have ever been so happy in my whole life, in fact it was the first time I can say I was purely happy.

The m/c started Monday morning, suddenly, heavy bleeding and contractions from the start. Little sweetie was still alive at lunchtime, but had died by the evening. I'll never know why. I just pray I did nothing to cause this. I had the night in hospital while waitng for the D&C, knowing she was dead. At the time I wanted her to be taken away, now I am glad I had time to say goodbye. I guess I am lucky in that I saw little sweetie right to the last minute. Denise I really feel for you going through that. My sisters 2nd baby is due any time now. I can't bring myself to have contact right now. She doesn't understand, how can she? It's so sad, but I can't trust her not to hurt me.

This weekend the mother of a friend came up to me during a bbq and gave me a big hug. I don't know her that well, I designed some Christmas cards for her teddy bear shop. She just came straight out and told me about her 3 miscarriages, one with a baby of 6 months. Itw as so sweet of her and so rare that a lovely lady of her generation ouwld be so open to someone she doesn't know. It touched my heart in a special way. Maybe I had to go through this to realise how much love is in the world and in me?

LOve and hugs to all of you sweeties

bigJ

DeniseM · Post by **DeniseM** » Mon Jul 04, 2005 7:04 pm

It's sad in a way that so many women have gone through this. In another way its truly wonderful that so many people have so much capacity to care for eachother. The support I have received from people that I hardly know has been incredible.

I think about Sydney every day. Just not as many tears anymore. This week I would have been 16 weeks along. I imagine due date time will be hard.

taylorjools · Post by **taylorjools** » Mon Jul 04, 2005 7:18 pm

Oh denise I know what you mean, Monday's are hell for me, today was the 2nd one since the m/c. DH works a really long day on Mondays too, 6am to 10pm, so the loneliness is crushing.

I thought exactly that this morning , I would have been 10.5 weeks today...

Debra P said something on another thread. I think she is right, I think I am mourning little sweetie, but also we are mourning being pregnant.

Started HRT again Friday, I hope the hormones settle soon.

love bigJ

princess · Post by **princess** » Mon Jul 04, 2005 9:40 pm

Awe my sweet dear friends.
every sat when I would be on more week along I think of how it would be. I have come to hate saturdays.

Jules I understand the mourning the not being pregnant. I know this sounds silly but I felt so special that I was. And I HATE saying when I was pregnant now, cause it hurts so much.

Denise I haven't talked to you in a while we need to catch up and chat. I will look for you on MSN.

Love
joy

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Mon Jul 04, 2005 11:42 pm

we mourn so much.]
the death of our child and dreams and our future and everything that we and dhes have been put threw just to even have a hope of getting pregnant..
then to finally be preegnant it is hard to express the words.
but being pregnant was the most amazing feeling i have ever felt.

and big i am glad that you got to spend that time with Little sweetie.
i am very greatful that we had time to say goodbye to our son. when my doc said that there was nothing more to do he told us to check out of the hospital and call him when i started labor.

we listend to our sons heartbeat all the wat to the end when my husband held him and he took hhis last breaths.

i am very thankful for my doctor. he did all this in his office so our son wouldnt have to be cut up and we would beable to bring him home with us and lay him to rest on the little island of our pond..
we mc on wendsday.. i will never forget it. i didnt think i would make it threw any wendsdays. but they have gotten alot better.

the day i got pregnant is a hard one when it comes and the day he should have been born is hard and the day of his death is hard.
22 years ago the death of my son is still hard and the same with our twins..
but we do need to put one foot forward and keep going..

we need to mourn but we still need to live... our babies will be with us one day.

i trulye hope that you can all find some peace in time..

i have hard momnents but htye have been lessond..
be very kind to yourselfes and do what test you can so hopefuly this wont happen to you again.

get on the net and read what you can about mc.. but dont get consumed by it.. just try and learn and that way you are still doing something.. dont lose your focuse..

i just got back from ordering our sons flowers..

now stop and give yourselfs a hug from me

love becky

DeniseM · Post by **DeniseM** » Tue Jul 05, 2005 12:05 am

Tonight we had dinner with DH's family. 7 kids including two babies, 1 at 3 months, the other 4 months, and my sis in law with her 5 month pregnant belly.

It was bitter sweet. Two of my sis in laws talked about their m/c, and my father in laws gf told me that she had had a premature baby that died at 7 days. Amazing how much these people have gone through. They were all very sensitive today.

I'm scared of losing it in front of them, and a couple of times I almost did. This is a tough part of this journey, but it feels good to talk about and not to pretend like it didn't happen.

princess · Post by **princess** » Tue Jul 05, 2005 8:24 pm

I hate having to go to the obgyn for check ups right now to check my hcg.
I can't stand to see the pregnant women in there, I came home today from being there and feel so sad all I want to do is cry.
Why does it have to be so freaking hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JOY

taylorjools · Post by **taylorjools** » Tue Jul 05, 2005 8:33 pm

hey Joy, I know what you mean, my gynae was sweet, as the HCG had dropped so fast, she said check 3 weeks as long as pg symptoms were going away. And they have gone, my boobs are back to basic, I ahev lost about 5 kg in 2 weeks everyone has noticed.

I have no appetite, get hungry and then dont want to eat.

denise, I don't know how you did that with the party, I went for lunch with dh today and just burst into tears in the restaurant when a girlie (teenager type) came in with a baby in a pram

I cried most of today, but then I guess I have come along way, 2 years ago I wouldn't have been able to cry. maybe that is what I am supposed to learn from this..

big warm love and hugs, becky, Denise, Joy....

bigJ

DeniseM · Post by **DeniseM** » Tue Jul 05, 2005 11:49 pm

Big J... its tough.

I had to come to terms with this not being fair already. I work with developmentally challenged teens, and since I've been ttc, 5 of them have had babies. Some of them with no support system, resources, and only being 14 years old. Children's Aid has removed several already.

My hubby and I are stable and ready, and not able to have a baby.

Nothing about that is fair.

Joy, I miss our chats. Are you hanging in there?

Has anyone reached out to Kel yet? I PM'd her, and I think she's going to need the support of those of us who are going through this.

Becky, it blows my mind that you've been grieving for over 20 years, with fresh injuries along the way. Does each baby put you right back to where you were with your first angel?

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 3:28 am

yes and no about the 22 years, in away it helps me to know that we do get to go forward..

22 years ago i never thought i would be able to get pregnant again.

but after alot of saving and metting the right dh we did go threw ivf .. and we where blessed with being pregnant.and we where even luckyer to get pregnant twice.

there is always a slight of hope that something knew will come along and we will beable to try again..
and it is hard at times to see others have there babies.
my brother and his wife have there son that was born the same month that my twins should have been born.. so when i seem him i have all kinds of mixed feelings..
and when they where having a hrad time i even thought about going and getting him.. no i am not a siko and i would never kiddnap anyone. but i thinnk you know what i mean..

but i just hold on to him a little tighter and think that my twins are up there in heaven playing with everyone and wonder if thery are the same size as little zac...

i pick up our sons flowers in the morning to put on his grave..

for the last to days i have felt pregnant just like i was before i mc with him.. that has about tore me up..

my sisters and brothers have all been calling to chat there not saying anything....

i know that after we mc our twins it helped me to get going on trying again..

right now most likely isnt the best time for me to right about anything..

just remember it is good to cry it is never good to hold anything in..
and it is never good to keep secrets.

going back to my doc is very hard... one time it felt great to be back in the room.. that was the last place that we herdd our sons heart beat..
but then the next time i went in there and alls i could do was cry..

and that was good.. that must have been something that i needed to do..

i am glad that i am not angry..

princess · Post by **princess** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 3:29 am

BIG shit I didn't read about Kel until just now.
I also sent her a PM Denise telling her we are here for her when she is ready.
One of my favorite shows tonight had one of the main women characters have a miscarriage. I wanted to break the F'n TV.
I have been crying on and off all day because of the Pregnant women at the doc and because of the show. UGH I want the pain to go away.

Love You Ladies
Love
joy

I can't cope

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