Just wondering............

suzannemorris · Post by **suzannemorris** » Mon Dec 09, 2002 8:56 pm

Hi everyone, I was wondering if anyone had 'kind of' resigned themselves to the fact that maybe they will remain childfree, and if so how? I'm having a really low week, and desperately want to stop obsessing about getting pregnant, but I'm not sure how you do that. Last week I was telling a friend how I had decided to start making the most of this childfree time instead of moping around and being unhappy, I actually meant it when i said it, but what a load of old crap! Was driving into work this morning thinking how I was going to stop coming to the site so often, to try to keep my mind off babies. Lasted till about 8pm, which considering I didn't get in until 7pm, is pretty crap. Just felt the need to have a bit of a ramble. Take care all, Suzanne.x [Edited by suzannemorris on 09-Dec-02 21:12]

caz · Post by **caz** » Tue Dec 10, 2002 12:05 pm

hi there I totally share your dilemma. If we dont go for DI , I think we almost certainly will be child free. Apart from the obvious, I think one thing that makes that scenario so hard to bear is that all my frineds seem to be having kids and I feel so left out. But at times I think - there are advnatages to not having children; you have so much more time for your dh and yourself; to travel; go out; see friends whenever you want ; pursue a career (altho have to admit I have completely lost interest in that one!) I think if we remin child free - we will continue to travel to nice places - probably be able to give up work sooner (less outgoings); probably move to the country, start riding again etcetc. Also - imporatntly I think I'll spend more of my life trying to "give a bit back" - maybe some charity stuff - ie spending sometime with people who actually are much worse off than we are. MAybe that will involve kids or maybe not. But I feel like I have definately spent too much of teh last year feeling sorry for myself - and I kind of know we have potentially alot more heart ache to come - as we have first (and last probably) goes of treatment early nexty year. Not sure if that helps at all.............change of scene I think is my answer??

tshepher · Post by **tshepher** » Tue Dec 10, 2002 12:17 pm

Hi I know what you mean. DH and I have decided that if and when we take the decision to give-up gracefully then we will need a total change of scene. Seems little point in continuing with the 9-5 rat-race if you haven't got something to aim for so we've decided we would sell-up and move to somewhere hot. Work in bars / restaurants and generally have a totally different life to the one we have here. I'm an only child so my parents have even said they'd probably sell-up and come with us. Mind you I don't know when or how you decide enough is enough ?????? LOL Terri xxx

Wicked Lady · Post by **Wicked Lady** » Tue Dec 10, 2002 2:47 pm

Blimey ladies I have been thinking the same. I have got to the stage where I am sick of it all and have even started to hate kids. Wherever I go they seem to follow me. I can be sitting in an empty cafe enjoying egg and chips and the place will be empty and then some women will come and sit right infront of me when there are plenty of other seats and I will have to sit and listen to her child whinge and cry. In the end I get up and move and they look at me as ' the career woman who hates kids'. Some career women I'm a bloody chambermaid. My friends must be sick of hearing me go on about kids and then the other day when I phoned one as they all live miles away, and told her that if DI doesn't work and we decide not to adopt then where have to accept that it will never happen she told me I must have gone insane and I was talking rubbish. But when do you decide enough is enough, does it it have to be as the latest period arrives or your partner walks out the door because you've become obsessed. The funny thing is we say it like we mean it but do we or are we just fed up with all the messing around and putting our lives into the hands of complete strangers when at the end of the day it is just a job and do they really care about us as they tuck their grand kids up in bed do they give us a second thought. With christmas around the corner and all the tv shows going on about the must have childs toy theres nothing wrong with trying to gain control of our lives again. But we know its gonna be hard thats why I haven't posted for a few days. I can't bear to see all the positives as it doesn't give me hope, I just think why aint it me. Lot of Love to you all out there. Nicola xxx

alison p · Post by **alison p** » Tue Dec 10, 2002 5:44 pm

Ooh, lots of negative vibes from these postings! It's true though that you have to decide when to give up and be childfree. My dh and I kind of decided to stop after 5 goes, but as the 4th go looms, I'm not so sure. How long should you try though? It's hard to stop becoming totally obssessed by the whole IVF thing, and I have felt that I have totally lost 2002. However, I know lots of people who've decided to give up trying and have got pregnant straight away - so I'm trying to pretend to my body at the moment that I'm not bothered about being pregnant and hoping it will happen (mind you, I know that this is impossible and that I continue to long being pregnant everyday!!) The idea of selling up, travelling, or becoming a beach bum somewhere warm sounds wonderful! Go for it and you never know what might happen! Sorry for the waffling! Alison P

mands · Post by **mands** » Tue Dec 10, 2002 6:23 pm

Hi Girls I'm a bit of a strange case. I never wanted kids - didn't even like being in the same room as them, never wanted to get married, quite happy with my single lifestyle...then I met my dh. He loves kids and when I see him with kids I just melt. Being with people who have kids has helped me overcome my dislike of them, I actually quite enjoy hearing all about my friends 1 year old, but I'm terrified that I'll get too into them and we'll end up childless. I knew from the day we met that DH had a low sperm count and I wasn't very keen on going through IVF although I'd do anything to put a smile on his face. So we're trying to keep a lid on our hopes. I'm not working while we go through treatment. During the next year we plan to do 3 goes at ICSI and make use of any frosties that are available.(We're already on day 5 of our 1st 2WW). After that I think we're going to let nature take its course. We're looking at an extra holiday a year and a selfish us lifestyle. We don't want the stress of this to ruin our lives. And I'm very aware that after this neat little plan has run its course we'll probably be devastated. But here's hoping for a +ve result for all of us in 2003. Take Care Mandsxx

Loonpants · Post by **Loonpants** » Wed Dec 11, 2002 6:10 pm

Well at least we all know we aren't on our own with all these thoughts that go round our heads. I have been on a break from ICSI now for nearly twelve months, we moved back to UK from Cyprus (where we had our treatment) and have sort of decided that we can't put ourselves through the treatment again. We have good days and bad days sometimes we want a child more than anyhting and then other days we thinks that our relationship is more important than obsessing, who has all the answers then? I have also decided that at times we are better off because we can travel etc but then other days there is a big gap. I have had a total career change since being back and now work as a Pre-School Assistant and although it sounds strange for a childless person I really enjoy it, the build up to Christmas has been magical and don't get me wrong I've had the odd pang at nativity thinking I'll never have a kid doing this but it is very rewarding and maybe I was put on this earth to look after other peoples kids. We haven't stopped trying and we hope that maybe a miracle will happen and we will get PG naturally. But what is there if you don't have hope? Lisa(Loonpants)

Savannah · Post by **Savannah** » Wed Dec 11, 2002 8:37 pm

Hi Guys, Interesting to hear everyone's theories, and very helpful! I haven't been posting for a few days because me and dh have made a devastating decision. We can't try any longer due to my health, so we have decided to go for surrogacy. I have gone through such a slumber, feeling like I am giving up too easily! But realistically, if I want a healthy little miracle, I have to let someone else carry it! It might end up that me and dh will have to go for adoption, but who cares! If I can just buy one of these dolls that eat, sleep and poo in their nappy, I will be happy! Any way, I want a child! You can't give up all hope, I'm supposing once all the pressure is off me to fall pregnant, I will have a surrogate mother pregnant with my baby as well as myself! Ha Ha Ha Some how, doctors might not find that a good idea! Will keep in touch with everyone though! Savannah

Lucy · Post by **Lucy** » Wed Dec 11, 2002 11:27 pm

Hi I think it's great that you have all posted messages regarding being childless. This is a issue that we probably need to discuss every so often on this site. It's not about being negative but more about focusing on the positive aspects of your life. Your life with your DH seems to go on hold while you are on the rollorcoaster ride of IVF and it's nice to think about having that life back. It's all about choosing a different path after you have decided enough is enough. The problem is when do you get to the enough is enough point? I like the idea that I can choose when to stop trying becasue it is about the only thing I have any control over with IVF. I am will start my 6th attempt at ICSI in Jan and I have always said six attempts and then I will stop but now I am not so sure. I'm still youngish (34) and whilst I go through the same as everyone else I think the faluire does get a bit easyier, I sort of feel like I am getting to the end of the line now and perhaps after this next attempt or maybe one after that I will have reached the end of my IVF rollorcoaster ride and it is time to move on. We all have our limits, and some people can't stand the pressure more than a couple of goes and look for an alternative in their life sooner rather than later. Others like me are so bloody minded we keep on going just because we think it has got to work and also it is giving you the mental aspect of 'well I tried my best' Ths cost of IVF is also is a huge factor and the strain of the treatment and financial constrats is a massive burden so in some ways that dictates your direction. Sorry to have waffeled on, just sort of got stretched out must have been in one of those moods. Lucyx

Lucy · Post by **Lucy** » Wed Dec 11, 2002 11:29 pm

just looked at my posting - opps lots of bad spelling. Lucy

anna13 · Post by **anna13** » Thu Dec 12, 2002 9:19 am

Hi This is such a good thread to blow off steam and all the frustration.....; I think the problem we'd been facing is when to get off the IVF treadmill and take the next step; Before we started the whole business,we'd decided on going for 3 tries and then stop. I'd a horrible first attempt when I had complications with septicemia which almost finished me off!!!!!Was in hospital for a week.I was so weak that I could barely walk when I was discharged.(Do the dear doctors explain all the risks to desperate and obsessed people like us!!!!) Two more attempts down the line this year and now we are embarking on the last(4th IVF try)one in the new year.Is this obsession or what???? The main help I felt was with councelling and now I feel ready to get off the rollercoster. I am happy to be still alive.......and I count each day as a blessing. Of course there are good days and bad days. And I don't need to come to this site as often. And somedays Which is happening more frequently now,I can look to the future and think we'd given our best shot and it was not to be.

Sandra S · Post by **Sandra S** » Thu Dec 12, 2002 1:56 pm

Hi all It absolutely scares me to death to have to think about the rest of my life without a child. Perhaps because am only on 2nd attempt and dh and I had planned to go 4 or 5 times so haven't made myself think about it properly yet. The problem with me is I can sort of envisage life without them while I am relatively young but can't stand the thought of growing old and not having any young family around. DH already has a son who lives in America but comes here for holidays so he can cope with the thought and although he really does want a child with me sometimes feels - as I do too - that our life is lovely without them. It would be nice to plan to go off into the sun somewhere or do something alternative but as dh has a child we can't even do that - this makes it even harder to take. Good luck everyone. Sandra

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