A brother and sister for Katie

[anjela]

I just wanted to post a message that might help someone else through their darkness.
My first baby, Katie was stillborn just over a year ago following a struggle to conceive and finally, ICSI. I thought the world would end when she died and I would never feel joy again. It felt like my heart was breaking. Whilst I know that all pregnancies are special, the pain of losing a baby (at any stage) when you've had so many difficulties getting pregnant is surely the most painful thing in the world.

The pain does lessen with time, although there is always a large hole in your life which can never be filled. To never be able to see your child grow up, or to truly know what kind of person they would have been is so hard.

My nightmares have been lessened somewhat over the past few weeks with the birth of my twins, Harry and Elisabeth. To become pregnant again with my next ICSI was so wonderful, but the entire pregnancy I was so afraid that the outcome would be the same and my babies would die. Being pregnant was really difficult - made more difficult by a case of placenta praevia which meant I spent the last 3 months in hospital, was constantly worried about premature delivery and bleeding and ended up having an emergency caesarian and blood transfusions. So, it wasn't easy, but my babies are now home and well.

When I lost my daughter I spent hours scanning these sites looking for stories from other people who had lost babies after fertility treatment; seeing how they coped and desperately looking for evidence that it was possible to go on and have a happy ending after all.

I hope that my story shows that it is possible.
For anyone who has lost their beloved baby, be strong and have faith in your future. You can feel joy again.
Anjela
x

[sophiejane]

Anjela,
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Love from Soph

[Katie12563]

Anjela,
I'm so sorry for your loss and I relate to everything you say.
The beautiful blessing was twins...even though you weren't allowed a worry free pregnancy. I wonder after all this sorrow how I'll make it through a 9 month pregnancy with the stress and fear.

I lost my baby at 6W5D and now I'm scared too. It was a triple chromosome 16...common to older mothers like me (I'm 42). I will be doing a cycle of IUI soon and I'm fearful of the outcome:
1. I won't get pregnant
2. I'll get pregnant and the same thing will happen
3. I'll get pregnant and there may be some other fetal defect that I won't find out about until 16-20 weeks ...or worse at birth.
I'm afraid I will get pregnant and afraid I won't...isn't that crazy????????

Thank YOU so much for sharing your story. I hope I can be as strong as you. Thank you to for making me feel "Normal."

The doctor and discussed using a donor if I continue to miscarry. I'm thinking of adopting embryos instead.

[princess]

Katie
Are you doing this all alone???
You haven't mentioned a DP at all. If it is none of my business please don't be afraid to tell me so.
Love
Joy

[Katie12563]

Hey Joy,
Yes, I'm single so I don't have a DH to share this with. That's part of the reason I waited so long to have a baby...thought I'd be happily married in my 30's but my career and a couple of major relocations with my company kept me busy and and the newness was exciting...how I wish I was mentally where I am now 10 years ago...would have taken my dating relationships more seriously.
No, you are not stepping on my toes...I love being able to be completely honest here.

[DeniseM]

Funny how life happens despite the plans we make.

Angela, thank you for taking the time to share your story with us. It gives us some hope and helps with the PMA, which is hard sometimes.

[princess]

Katie,
I think it is wonderful that you want to be a mom so much that you are doing it all on your own. I am in IL so if ever you want to chat on the phone about stuff we can!
You have all of us here for you. I know it's not the same but it's better than nothing. Also Dh's aren't all that helpful when things go wrong. I was just reeming mine yesterday cause I didn't feel like he was there for me enough when I was having my miscarriage. They really don't get the whole need to be a mom thing.
Love
joy

[Katie12563]

Hi Anjela!!!!

JOY: You are the sweetest. I can't thank you enough for reaching out to me. I may infact need you if I get a neg. test result next month...if my IUI goes without a hitch...but you know what if I do get a neg. and I'm able to carry at least one on the embies at my clinic it will still be be worth it. That's my next step. Will you keep your offer open....please????? Your new baby couldn't ask for a more caring mommy.

What about you? Will you be starting IUI with your next AF? If so when do you think it will arrive. I got mine exactly 4 weeks after my DNC..I was surprised.