unsociable

[indiana]

Hi Terri,Clair,Katie,Dora,Lulu,Jules,Nes and Treens.
I feel the same way.
It feels like the only people that TRULY understand are people on here.
I dont even think my DH wants it all as much as i do, he can just switch it all off and get on with life and i find that impossible most of the time.
It's six years since our -:ve ivf we only had one go on an egg share. Then due to our health issues we couldnt do anything else until now. Im seeing the consultant on Oct 5th but im terrified he will find something else wrong.
I know i should have PMA but it buggered off somewhere
shame they dont sell it at woolies!!!


Indiana.xxx

[KTF]

Hi all,

Just wanted to add into this thread as it mirrors exactly how I feel.

One of my closest friends is coming to see me tomorrow and I know she is going to tell me she is pregnant. She better had actually because she told me two weeks ago that she had something to tell me but I would have to wait two weeks (I was bullying her a bit because she wasn't drinking on the last few occassion we met, and I had asked her is she had some news on the subject).

I am fine about it at the mo, and I think the two weeks I have had where I have pretty much known, but not had to discuss it with her have been a god send.

I am thrilled for her, can't wait to see her and want to share all the great things about her pregnancy. That is how I feel today though, hope I don't come back to earth with a big bump tomorrow night. Dreading crying or something, or her noticing that there is just a tiny bit of me that isn't reacting normally.

Will let you know how I get on!

Hope you all have a few good days soon. I have just realised I have waffled on about my own issues and not really given any support for anything you guys have already said. I have to dash cos my parents are round tonight for tea, but I will try to put a more helpful reply on tomorrow - thinking of you all anyway.

KTx

[KarenSmiff]

Just wanted to add - that I thought It was only me who felt like this, ie: not wanting to talk to people, totally fed up with people (who dont know) asking "do you want a baby",,,.....aaarrrhhhh

My sis in law in pregnant with will what will be my M&Ds first gchild, so we are all over the moon - although I could scream sometimes, same old same old, 6 months of trying naturally for them, and bingo!

I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL and not an outcast - cus being childless will sure make me feel like an outcast.

Another go for us in January, please god let it be the one. The money tree at the end of the garden is running out. & I aint getting any younger.

GOOD LUCK EVERYONE

K x

[clair55]

Hi Girls

It's so good to read all these other posts I don't mean i'm glad that you girls are all feeling like this but I know you understand.(Hope that makes sense).

Please forgive me about me waffling on about how i feel I am just so self absorbed in my own pity these days. I feel like a sad desperate old cow. I know that you are all feeling the pain too.

Terri- Thank you so much for starting this thread!!! The more i talk about it the slightly less and less i get upset. Only tears once today for about a min and that was to my mom. I feel a bit better today and work was better. Hopfully tomorrow will be even better. I hope this can be the same with you.

Karen- I got so fed up of people asking me" when are you going to have kids?" , "Why haven't you had kids yet?" that one day i just blurted out " Because I can't -OK" The look on that poor persons face they couldn't wait to get away and i also got some sick, evil satisfaction from making them feel just as uncomfortable as they had made me.

Kt- I remember when my friend told me she was pregnant even though We knew they were trying it was still a shock. I found although was happy for them and secretly gutted it wasn't me, initially i dealt with her pregnancy and birth of daughter really well. I now find she is the one who seems uncomfortable with me has she doesn't no what to say to me and has taken a step back.

Indiana - My DH is the same . He said to me last night that he can't bear to see me so upset and he really doesn't mind if i don't want to carry on with another cycle I now don't want to get upset in front of him, so as not to upset him!!!

Hi to Julie, katie,treens and nes. How are you girls doing?

Must go as my dinner is cooked...I can smell the chicken burning.

See you later
clairx

[Terri2]

When I started this thread, I actually thought twice about it. I thought maybe everyone would think I was whinging again! How wrong was I? I cannot believe the response to it and for the first time in weeks I feel human again as its not just me feeling like this.
Thank you all so much for being honest and helping me too see that my feelings are normal. I don't know what I'd do if I hadn't found this place.

Glad work was a little better today Clair. Work helps me quite a lot, I'm so busy that while I'm there I can put all this to the back of my mind. And don't worry about waffling on, if we can't do it here, where can we do it. I feel very self absorbed too at the moment and I am paranoid everyone is saying that I am too.

Karen, I know what you mean about wanting to be normal. Thinking about my 2 best mates being pregnant, I just keep thinking whats wrong with me.

KT, does your friend know about your problems? I guessed my friend was pregnant too, she didn't say anything, I've just known her so long that I just knew. So I had a few weeks to think about it too but when she confirmed it I cried for days. I felt so horrible being so negative about something so good.
My cousin knows I have been depressed but doesn't know the details. The other day she found out about my 2 friends being pregnant. When she told me she knew I explained thats why I've been having a particularly rough time. Her response was "Nice for her though" (talking about the friend she had just bumped into who had told her news). and that made me feel like she was saying I should just be happy for her and not be so selfish. Made me feel like crap.

So I've just stopped talking to people now as then they can't upset me with their reactions since they really have not got a clue.

Indiana, my PMA buggered off somewhere weeks ago too.
I bet your husband probably does want it just as much. My husband doesn't show his feelings but I know that he wants it just as badly as I do. I think he felt it most this month as he was being so positive about it all.

[indiana]

Just had my mate on the phone telling me how terrible being pregnant is
Is it any wonder we dont want to talk to people, if our best friends and family cant say the right things, who can.
wish i could give them my empty arms just for a day

[Terri2]

I can't believe how insensitive that is Indiana. I think I would have had to say something! Mind you, you shouldn't have to.

My friend had been trying for 3 years and after a few days of nausea she told me "its getting on my nerves"
My response was "don't you even dare say that, even as a joke!"

I said to my DH, when I get pregnant one day, I want you to hold me to this but I swear I will enjoy every minute of being sick, and I definately won't moan about it.

[Diane05]

Hi all,
I have been reading this thread and thinking, wow i'm glad it's not just me!! Yesterday i hit an all time low, it was our 4th wedding anniversary and we had a nice day planned, then i got a call from my cousin asking me to take her to hospital as the midwife was worried about her babies heartbeat...I couldn't say no. The baby was fine which is fab news.
But ..and heres where i feel pathetic!...i had to sit in a delivery suite all afternoon, listeneing to her babies heartbeat, hearing babies everywhere, i got home and fell to pieces, i feel like i have a huge weight in my chest and am on the brink of tears constantly.
I told a friend this morning and her reaction was...'well, you'll have to get used to it'. I wanted to scream!!

On the up side tho we have finally got a consultation at the clinic on 20th oct, so at least things seem to be moving for us now.

Soo sorry for that insane rant but if i didn't get it off my chest i would pop!

Take care all

Di.

[KTF]

Terri – I haven’t told my friends about our situation. They know that DH has had a vas reversal operation, but we have just said we are not going to get test result, just going to try when ready and see how it goes. It was DH idea to keep it to ourselves at first, I was happy to tell people. Glad I didn’t now. It does seem that people just don’t understand unless they have been through it. My best friend has a friend who IVF worked for first time and she now has twins, whenever I say “if” we need IVF etc, she always says “well it worked for H first time”, she has also said there is a woman that she works with who has had IVF twice and it worked both times. I don’t get fed up with her saying this as I think that is what I would be saying to a friend if I wasn’t in this situation. I’d rather not tell anyone (only my mum and dad know), I want to feel normal round friends for as long as possible! Think once treatment starts and drinking alcohol stops completely I will need to come clean.

On the depression front, do you think there is anything else that can help you other than the doctor? Maybe some acupuncture or counseling? My sister suffers with depression, got put on drugs and then went to see a lady who does acupuncture and counseling. It got my sister off the drugs and she deals with her depression much better now. The lady is based in Coventry. On the adoption front there is a girl on another forum www.fertilityzone.co.uk who is writing an adoption diary. She suffered from depression. They did want to investigate it so she had to go for an early medical but all is fine with it, so don’t worry too much. What woman who can’t have her own babies won’t suffer with depression at some point? Hopefully it won’t come to adoption for you anyway.

Nes – Do you have nay news on how your current cycle is going? Have they been able to continue with it?

Clair- It is a shame that your friend feels like she can’t be such a part of your life now. One of my friends has just miscarried for the second time (they already have a little boy but since suffered the two miscarriages). Even though I know some of how she feels, I still can’t imagine what she is going through. I don’t think the answer is to withdraw, I have just let her know that although I don’t know what to say to make her feel better that I am here for her when she is ready to talk. Does any of the counseling offered at the clinic cover how to deal with the way your friendships might change?


Dianne - Just read your post! Can't believe what your friend said. Yeah, I suppose we have to find a way to cope, but we don't need it pointing out to us so bluntly!

KTx

[indiana]

[indiana]

Yippe i got it working.

[clair55]

Hi Girls

Indiana and Diane - I cannot believe what your friends have said to you. How insensitive can you get!!!! I have to agree with Terri and i would have had to say something. Perhaps you should suggest that they visit this website so they can get a small idea of what you are going through and perhaps they will think before they open their traps. Diane sorry you had to go through that yesterday and glad everything is alright with baby but, life is so shit at times.

My friend as I've said earlier has backed away. To be honest I'm not upset, perhaps slightly disappointed. Some people can't cope with situations like this and are lucky to go through life quite smoothly I know if i called and asked her to come over she would come, but some friends don't need to be asked. My other friend on the other hand has been brilliant she doesn't pretend to know how I feel and admits she doesn't know what to say or do but she's there, even when she knew i couldn't face anyone she would just send texts with thinking of you about three times a day. You really do find out who you can count on and who you can't when you go through this don't you.

Kt - Don't you just get fed up with people who "WEll i know someone who knows someone who had 8 million trillion attempts at IVF and now has sextruplets" or "well I know someone who knows someone and had IVF and gave up and after 10 years concieved naturally!" and the best " Well it will happen, miracles do " I just think" HELLO **** OFF " I know of two people who had success and two people who had multiple tries and gave up. I just very kindly say other peoples success/failure means nothing to me until it happens to me. How did you get on with your friend.

I'm sure you have noticed but I am feeling rather aggresive lately is anyone else? Or am I the only nutter at the moment. I don't usually feel like this ..honest.

Terri- Going on the aggresive line again. My DH has got a punch bag in the garage and last night i kicked and punched the shit out of it boy did it feel good. I'm not saying it will cure depression but it might help. I also understand why you are reluctant to go to your GP with how you feel it's so bad that it would be investigated if you went for adoption I mean to go through what we go through and not be depressed it's a joke. I would worry if they didn't feel down or depressed after.

Anyway have ranted on enough. Hope i haven't scared you. Off now to go and pick a fight with a bunch of skinheads(Only joking!)

Take care all
love
clairxx

Indiana- well done!!!

[indiana]

Clair you are a scary beast today, (only joking) .
I feel like that sometimes but i normally take it out on DH poor bugger!!!
As for the depression/doctors/adoption, we went for adoption earlier this year. I tried really hard to be completely honest with our sw(social worker) and this was the biggest mistake i could have made.
I suffered from agrophobia and panic attacks for about 7 years due to infertility depression. I have had tablets from the gp and counselling. DH also knackered his back shortly after first failed ivf and he had to have 2 ops and 4 years off work, he also got very depressed(as you would), so we also had marriage guidence counseling.
When we told sw all about it and the fact that we had asked for this help, she said this was a very good thing in our favour because we recognise when we need help and asked for it.
She then said we might need early medicals and our appointment would be with us in two weeks.
Four weeks later after a few phone calls, instead of an appointment ,there was a shitty letter telling us they wouldnt accept us because of my panic attacks and DH'S back.
So if anybody does go for adoption firstly dont believe a bloody word they say and secondly be very careful what you tell them.
Sorry to go on so long, i guess im still mad as hell

[nes]

Hi everyone.... sorry not in a good mood at the mo... so please don't be mad at me for having a big winge....

As some of you might know, my EC was scheduled for tomorrow, but they have had to cancel it... My follicles are not big enough... even though I have around 43-50 of them!...
I am really bloated and feel like I could be popped with a pin. Me and my dp keep having really stupid rows about all sorts of stupidness, but right about now I feel like punching something, but I'm so tired i don't have the energy...

I don't want to talk to anyone, I just feel like curling up into a ball, but even that is out of the question at the moment because my back is sore due to the hyper-stimulation of my ovaries.... I want to cry...

I have been having daily blood tests and scans since friday, (not at the weekend though) and have to go again tomorrow. I'm so board of going there every day to be told the same things. And the worst part is that there is nothing anyone can do until they grow...

I have had to take the whole of this week of work as I have to travel to and from the hospital, and I don't even feel like going in to be asked loads of questions.... I might just get signed off sick until this thing is over one way or the other.... and hopefully will go back to work with an addition...

As strange as it sounds, I feel so much better when I've talked to you guys. I feel like I have been doing most of my treatment by myself as my dp doesn't live with me, and because of all the funny vibes and work committments, we haven't really seen each other... I hate it, no wonder I am so depressed and feel like crying all the time.... I could do with a hug...

[Terri2]

Thats shocking Indiana. The crap thing is...........anyone can have a baby without having medicals and any other kind of assessments. But you were up front and then they let you down. That is so bad. What person doesn't go through some kind of depression in their lives or something similar?!
I will for this reason keep my feelings to myself!

I'm going to try acupuncture soon I think and I might look into the counselling service at the CRM. I think there is one. At the same time I don't want them to think I'm depressed.

Clair, its okay to feel agressive! I often do. At the moment I am quietly depressed! No doubt next week, the aggression will arrive! Its totally a rollercoaster going through this. I went to a meeting today and they all sat there talking about their kids. I wanted to tell them to shut up. Everyone talks about pregnancy and kids like its such a normal natural thing, they just have no idea.

I normally see my friend 3 or 4 times a week. Since she got pregnant, she's been round about twice in 4 weeks. It might be because she has had lots of visitors but I think theres more to it. Its funny cos she was trying for even longer so you think she'd handle all this differently as she knows how I feel. But even she says the wrong things.

I really feel like I have finally run out of people to talk to. Thank god for this place, without it I would go insane!