deb you know that we are all right here with you..
and your post made alot of sence.
hang in there.. you have been threw hell and back.
remember you have lots of friends here..
The Over 40 Crowd
Caroline,
There is always hope - you must see it through. There are many success stories of women of our age that have achieved pregnancies in their 40's. I emphathise completely with how you feel. I'm afraid I have put up a wall to my feelings about not having children around me as I grow older. For most of the time I don't dwell on it but it is a reality and when I do think about it it makes me feel extremely sad. I have to say I felt exactly as you do about going into this last treatment but, like DH and I said the other day when we were discussing everything that has happened, you DO get drawn into the whole process - you have to and you have to believe and give it your all. It is all consuming and thank goodness we have been able to share our ups and downs with each other on this fabulous board. So Caroline, go for it. If I can even say it, enjoy this time, think about what you are working towards. Try and put all negatives out of your thoughts and think of the 'what if's and maybe this can be achieved'. GO FOR IT!
Sharon x
There is always hope - you must see it through. There are many success stories of women of our age that have achieved pregnancies in their 40's. I emphathise completely with how you feel. I'm afraid I have put up a wall to my feelings about not having children around me as I grow older. For most of the time I don't dwell on it but it is a reality and when I do think about it it makes me feel extremely sad. I have to say I felt exactly as you do about going into this last treatment but, like DH and I said the other day when we were discussing everything that has happened, you DO get drawn into the whole process - you have to and you have to believe and give it your all. It is all consuming and thank goodness we have been able to share our ups and downs with each other on this fabulous board. So Caroline, go for it. If I can even say it, enjoy this time, think about what you are working towards. Try and put all negatives out of your thoughts and think of the 'what if's and maybe this can be achieved'. GO FOR IT!
Sharon x
Thanks Sharon
I'm trying to hold on to the possibility of it working but it's hard. I think I've got to the stage where I actually can't even imagine a positive result, even though it's what I hope for. I have no concept of what it would be like to be pregnant, except that I might feel a bit embarrassed in case people think I'm too old. When we're on this board we're surrounded by people who are going through the process, so that's what I get immersed in. When people get a BFP it's like they go off to "the other side" and it's a whole other world that I'm not part of. Maybe I should go and lurk there for a while to see what it feels like - a bit like loitering in Mothercare and picking up small socks. I need to find some way of making the possibility of having a baby real.
At the moment it's like I've started grieving before I know it's over. Don't worry, I will see it through. I couldn't possibly quit at this stage, especially as it's so easy (on a physical and practical level, anyway). I just pop into the clinic for ET and that's it. I have to give it this one last shot. It's just a question of what frame of mind I'm in. I have no idea whether that actually makes any difference, but I think all I'm doing right now is trying to protect myself from disappointment. But I know it's going to hurt like hell whether I'm expecting it to work or not, so that trick ain't gonna work.
Anyway, enough. How are you? You sound from your post like you and DH are working your way through this. I hope you're doing ok. It's good to have a wall around your feelings sometime and it's also important to let it down and let yourself feel sad too. I hope you're not overwhelmed.
Thinking of you
Caroline
I'm trying to hold on to the possibility of it working but it's hard. I think I've got to the stage where I actually can't even imagine a positive result, even though it's what I hope for. I have no concept of what it would be like to be pregnant, except that I might feel a bit embarrassed in case people think I'm too old. When we're on this board we're surrounded by people who are going through the process, so that's what I get immersed in. When people get a BFP it's like they go off to "the other side" and it's a whole other world that I'm not part of. Maybe I should go and lurk there for a while to see what it feels like - a bit like loitering in Mothercare and picking up small socks. I need to find some way of making the possibility of having a baby real.
At the moment it's like I've started grieving before I know it's over. Don't worry, I will see it through. I couldn't possibly quit at this stage, especially as it's so easy (on a physical and practical level, anyway). I just pop into the clinic for ET and that's it. I have to give it this one last shot. It's just a question of what frame of mind I'm in. I have no idea whether that actually makes any difference, but I think all I'm doing right now is trying to protect myself from disappointment. But I know it's going to hurt like hell whether I'm expecting it to work or not, so that trick ain't gonna work.
Anyway, enough. How are you? You sound from your post like you and DH are working your way through this. I hope you're doing ok. It's good to have a wall around your feelings sometime and it's also important to let it down and let yourself feel sad too. I hope you're not overwhelmed.
Thinking of you
Caroline
me - 44, DH - 48
2002 ectopic (natural conception)
2004 1st IVF cancelled following brain seizure
2005 June/July 2nd IVF - negative
2005 Nov FET - postponed cos my Mum died
2006 - Feb FET planned, but neither frostie survived the thaw.
2002 ectopic (natural conception)
2004 1st IVF cancelled following brain seizure
2005 June/July 2nd IVF - negative
2005 Nov FET - postponed cos my Mum died
2006 - Feb FET planned, but neither frostie survived the thaw.
Hello friends. Your messages are wonderful, thank you so much.
OK, here is the low-down. It doesn't clear anything up at all.
I took yesterday's hpt c.1pm, absolutely -ve. Bleeding started, got heavier and more constant in the evening. At midnight when I showed the hpt to DF, there was a faint line. No bleeding overnight but began as soon as I got up. Hpt this morning 0600, again definitely -ve. Just got home and it too now has a faint line.
My only conclusion (I've had AF bleeding all day) is that perhaps it's a chemical pregnancy and the blood test - result might not be back tomorrow as the lab is relocating and taking longer to process tests(!) - will show a very low, unsustainable number. Nothing else seems viable. Unless people can confirm if hpts sometimes show faint lines hours afterwards 'just because'?
I'm not remotely hopeful. This is over as far as we're concerned. I cried all over the nurses at the clinic this morning. We've been with the same faces throughout our 3 years with them. Lovely people.
I've no more hpts so will wait now for confirmation from the clinic either tomorrow or Friday or God forbid, Monday.
hugs again
Debra.
OK, here is the low-down. It doesn't clear anything up at all.
I took yesterday's hpt c.1pm, absolutely -ve. Bleeding started, got heavier and more constant in the evening. At midnight when I showed the hpt to DF, there was a faint line. No bleeding overnight but began as soon as I got up. Hpt this morning 0600, again definitely -ve. Just got home and it too now has a faint line.
My only conclusion (I've had AF bleeding all day) is that perhaps it's a chemical pregnancy and the blood test - result might not be back tomorrow as the lab is relocating and taking longer to process tests(!) - will show a very low, unsustainable number. Nothing else seems viable. Unless people can confirm if hpts sometimes show faint lines hours afterwards 'just because'?
I'm not remotely hopeful. This is over as far as we're concerned. I cried all over the nurses at the clinic this morning. We've been with the same faces throughout our 3 years with them. Lovely people.
I've no more hpts so will wait now for confirmation from the clinic either tomorrow or Friday or God forbid, Monday.
hugs again
Debra.
Me: 44, DH: 31
Game Over.
Dates: Aug 02 - May 06
Tries: 5 fresh + 4 frozen.
Results: 1 daughter, 2 m/c, 1 ectopic.
Game Over.
Dates: Aug 02 - May 06
Tries: 5 fresh + 4 frozen.
Results: 1 daughter, 2 m/c, 1 ectopic.
Debra, I'm so sorry to hear about the bleeding. You sound very together and matter of fact right now, but I'm sure you've been through a horrible time.
For what it's worth, I always thought that after about half an hour or so HPTs became meaningless BUT on the occasions when I've done one I've always ended up going back and checking later and the result (+ve or -ve ) hasn't ever changed. So I'm not sure what a mysteriously appearing line means.
Whatever any of it means, I really hope you don't have to wait until Monday.
Hope you get some sleep tonight. Take care
Caroline
For what it's worth, I always thought that after about half an hour or so HPTs became meaningless BUT on the occasions when I've done one I've always ended up going back and checking later and the result (+ve or -ve ) hasn't ever changed. So I'm not sure what a mysteriously appearing line means.
Whatever any of it means, I really hope you don't have to wait until Monday.
Hope you get some sleep tonight. Take care
Caroline
me - 44, DH - 48
2002 ectopic (natural conception)
2004 1st IVF cancelled following brain seizure
2005 June/July 2nd IVF - negative
2005 Nov FET - postponed cos my Mum died
2006 - Feb FET planned, but neither frostie survived the thaw.
2002 ectopic (natural conception)
2004 1st IVF cancelled following brain seizure
2005 June/July 2nd IVF - negative
2005 Nov FET - postponed cos my Mum died
2006 - Feb FET planned, but neither frostie survived the thaw.
Debra,
Thank you for taking time to update us, even though you must be feeling like shutting out the whole world right now.
Geeze! The unclarity of it all! If it is the end, you would think it could at least be CLEAR!
How cruel. I pray it doesn't get dragged out over the weekend! You poor, Dear. THANK GOD you and dh have each other to get through this.
Sweetie, I'm just sick for you. I don't know what to say.
If the gift of another child is not to be for you, then know this:
GOD WILL GIVE YOU SOMETHING IN IT'S PLACE!
I truly believe this. And I know it's hard to think of any other "gifts" when this is the one you want so bad. But something wonderful is ahead for you, Debra. Nature may be cruel, but God isn't.
And don't forget, you've got grandchildren to look forward to from dd.
I'm sorry. I'm probably saying too much. You are just beginning to grieve and here I am trying to cheer you up.
Cry! Cry! Hit something and then cry some more!
Here, I'm going to go break some glass in the trash outside for you.
I wish you could have heard it. SMASH!!! (A pickle jar) That sound is how you must be feeling.
So sad for you, Debra.
We are here for you. (((((((((HUG)))))))))))
Love,
Randa
Thank you for taking time to update us, even though you must be feeling like shutting out the whole world right now.
Geeze! The unclarity of it all! If it is the end, you would think it could at least be CLEAR!
How cruel. I pray it doesn't get dragged out over the weekend! You poor, Dear. THANK GOD you and dh have each other to get through this.Sweetie, I'm just sick for you. I don't know what to say.
If the gift of another child is not to be for you, then know this:
GOD WILL GIVE YOU SOMETHING IN IT'S PLACE!
I truly believe this. And I know it's hard to think of any other "gifts" when this is the one you want so bad. But something wonderful is ahead for you, Debra. Nature may be cruel, but God isn't.
And don't forget, you've got grandchildren to look forward to from dd.
I'm sorry. I'm probably saying too much. You are just beginning to grieve and here I am trying to cheer you up.
Cry! Cry! Hit something and then cry some more!
Here, I'm going to go break some glass in the trash outside for you.
I wish you could have heard it. SMASH!!! (A pickle jar) That sound is how you must be feeling.
So sad for you, Debra.
We are here for you. (((((((((HUG)))))))))))
Love,
Randa
Randa
Me 44, DH 40
ttc 0, went straight to IVF
1st EC = Feb 05, 5 frosties, no transfer attempt
2nd EC = June 05, cancelled
3rd EC = Sept 05, 4 frosties, no transfer attempt
4th EC/ET = Feb 06, 3 transf., BFN
5th EC/ET = May 06
Me 44, DH 40
ttc 0, went straight to IVF
1st EC = Feb 05, 5 frosties, no transfer attempt
2nd EC = June 05, cancelled
3rd EC = Sept 05, 4 frosties, no transfer attempt
4th EC/ET = Feb 06, 3 transf., BFN
5th EC/ET = May 06
Caroline you hang in there....
and you are not to old.. i dont think we even start to get smart until we are 40!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
deb i am sorry for all that you are going threw.
but you know that hpts arnt always right and you know lots of women bleed and are still pregnant.
but you also know your own body..
i am very sorry
and you are not to old.. i dont think we even start to get smart until we are 40!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
deb i am sorry for all that you are going threw.
but you know that hpts arnt always right and you know lots of women bleed and are still pregnant.
but you also know your own body..
i am very sorry
we werent blessed with our babies to raise here but we our blessed with our grandaughter
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
and all of our many adopted and foster children that touch our lives
and i am glad to add that our 6th grandchild will be born this spring!!!!
-
Smita
- Valued Contributor
- Posts: 2817
- Joined: Sat Jun 04, 2005 2:53 am
- Location: From India,living in Abu Dhabi
Debra,
sending you hugs and waiting to see a ray of sunshine in all this mist..
you are in my thoughts..
smita
sending you hugs and waiting to see a ray of sunshine in all this mist..
you are in my thoughts..
smita
me-32, dh 40
ttc 4+ years
4 failed IUI's
1st ICSI +ve 17/6/05:)
Baby girl Dhruvaa born on 14/02/06
[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/2;53;30/st/20060214/n/Dhruvaa/dt/8/k/07ce/age.png[/img]
ttc 4+ years
4 failed IUI's
1st ICSI +ve 17/6/05:)
Baby girl Dhruvaa born on 14/02/06
[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/2;53;30/st/20060214/n/Dhruvaa/dt/8/k/07ce/age.png[/img]
Debra, I'm really sorry to hear your news. Not sure if this is what you want to hear, but you strike me as someone who always prefers to hear the truth. I seem to recall that my last -ve HPT developed a blue line hours after the test. They say that they should be thrown away after 10 mins as the result is meaningless after that - I guess this is why as it can give false hope to those of us who dig through the bin to retrieve it and then see a blue line appear.
Obviously I hope I'm wrong and that the blood test comes good.
Take care,
Nicola
Obviously I hope I'm wrong and that the blood test comes good.
Take care,
Nicola
Nicola, thanks for that info. I'm an hpt rookie as I've always only taken blood tests. Yesterday was the 3rd hpt in my life. I didn't know about them not being viable results after 10mins or so.
The bleeding has been unrelenting overnight so today's/tomorrow's result is in the bag. I'll post when I know for sure.
Randa, thanks for the proxy glass smashing! I don't feel angry or upset, I guess because this has dragged out over days now but also, I'm too tired to think. DD had one of 'those' nights, 3 lots of projectile vomiting between midnight and 0330 - new pjs, sheets, bumpers, duvet, pillows, toys each time + settling back....DF and I are exhausted.
Will post later.
Debra.
The bleeding has been unrelenting overnight so today's/tomorrow's result is in the bag. I'll post when I know for sure.
Randa, thanks for the proxy glass smashing! I don't feel angry or upset, I guess because this has dragged out over days now but also, I'm too tired to think. DD had one of 'those' nights, 3 lots of projectile vomiting between midnight and 0330 - new pjs, sheets, bumpers, duvet, pillows, toys each time + settling back....DF and I are exhausted.
Will post later.
Debra.
Me: 44, DH: 31
Game Over.
Dates: Aug 02 - May 06
Tries: 5 fresh + 4 frozen.
Results: 1 daughter, 2 m/c, 1 ectopic.
Game Over.
Dates: Aug 02 - May 06
Tries: 5 fresh + 4 frozen.
Results: 1 daughter, 2 m/c, 1 ectopic.
Oh Debra,
i am so sorry, I know how you feel but that won't make you feel any better.
I hope both you and DF look after each other and get some rest following last night.
You have given everyone on here so much support and shown them such kindness, I only hope now that we can give back and help you through this.
Take care of yourself.
Love,
Jane
i am so sorry, I know how you feel but that won't make you feel any better.
I hope both you and DF look after each other and get some rest following last night.
You have given everyone on here so much support and shown them such kindness, I only hope now that we can give back and help you through this.
Take care of yourself.
Love,
Jane
Debra - So So sorry to hear you news. I do understand a little how you feel even though I have only done IVF once (hoping to start again new year). Your messages have been a ray of light to me, such great messages and honesty.
I do hope they do not make you wait till Monday for your result. Again hang in there miracles still happen.
Love Mrs M xxx
I do hope they do not make you wait till Monday for your result. Again hang in there miracles still happen.
Love Mrs M xxx
ME 34 DH 32
TTC 6 Yrs Married Aug 00
1st IVF/ICSI Aug 05 Test 14th Oct BFN
2nd FET June 06 Test 15th June 06 BNF!!!!
3rd attempt hoping to start in a few months at a brand new clinic!!!
TTC 6 Yrs Married Aug 00
1st IVF/ICSI Aug 05 Test 14th Oct BFN
2nd FET June 06 Test 15th June 06 BNF!!!!
3rd attempt hoping to start in a few months at a brand new clinic!!!