new here-feeling really bad

[Terri2]

Hello
I just found this board. I really need some support. We have been trying to conceive for almost 2 years. I have gone through this with my best friend who is also ttc.
Today she told me she is pregnant. I am so happy for her and I promise you there is not not one part of me that doesn't wish this for her as she has been trying longer than me.
On the other hand I have just had this picture of 9 months time when she has her baby and I still won't be pregnant. I have spent half the day in tears and feel so guilty about this. When she came to see me I kept it together but inside I am dying.
I feel so selfish. I wanted it to happen for her first as she's been trying longer and I thought I would cope fine but I'm not coping. She is so excited and asking me loads of questions about what she should and shouldn't be doing. She wants to see me again tomorrow and I know I just have to say yes but its killing me.
Another close friend has just started trying and if it happens for her quickly I just don't know how I will cope. Its like torture.
would really appreciate some words of support. Does anyone else feel like this when they hear about friends being pregnant.

TTC 2 years
Not sure what is wrong with me but have been on clomid 6 months with no success. Due for Hycosy in Nov.
Husband has moderately poor morphology but count is high so they said thats not the problem, that I am the problem

[DebraP]

Hi there, yes we nearly all feel like this. It comes up as a topic often as it seems there are waves and suddenly EVERYONE you know, work with, are vaguely related to, went to school with is pregnant. People on here have avoided baby showers, christenings, reunions, parties etc. if they knew the sight of too many pg women would get them down.

I was told of 3 unrelated sets of friends on one night this month. It DOES get you down and if your friend can see past her (understandable), excitement for a moment, she'll realise how hurt you are. Do you have a 3rd party who could discreetly say, 'boy it must be really tough for Terri?'. The thing is she'll assume you'll be next and thus think she's including you early vs. rubbing the salt in.

If she carries on for too long you might want to say something simple, 'I'm genuinely happy for you but finding it tough right now'. Also, being horribly practical, once pg she'll want to chat to others who are pg in tiny detail about it all. Like ttc, being pg is something best understood by others in the same boat. How about buying her 'What to Expect When you're Expecting' ? It's a great, albeit factual, book and covers everything she could ever want to know

There's no reason why it can't be you next.

Good luck with your tests in November.
Debra

[Sand]

Hi Terri - Glad you've found this Site, and hope you find it supportive. I see Debra's given you some great advice already. Nothing to add, just wanted to say that your feelings are just normal, so don't go beating yourself up.

Nov will seem like a looonnngg time away, but it's not really. Why not use this time being proactive ...? Reading up on fertility, getting ultra healthy etc .. We know a great book by Zita West called "Fertility and Conception". It's well worth the £15.

Good luck with your future tmt.

Sandra x

[olivia]

Hi terri,

Poor you!! It feels really rubbish when close friends get pregnant and you are left behind. It is something we can all relate to on here.

My story is a little bit similar to yours. Dh has poor morphology (only about 2-3% normal), I ovulate infrequently and also have endometriosis. We were on the waiting list for treatment and had been trying for about two years.
Some how I concieved naturally and the only thing I changed was I invested in the zita west book, and started on the various vitamins and diets suggested (DH did the same).

I wish you lots of luck with your hysteroscopy in Nov. Come over to the general forum, there will be lots of people in similar situations to you and nobody minds if you need to have a moan to get things off your chest.

Olivia

[Terri2]

thanks everyone for your support. its good to know there are others that understand (not that I would wish any of this on anyone). My friend is coming round again tonight. I am not sure how I can get through it all. I felt physically and mentally drained when she came round yesterday. Facing another nine months of this is not going to be easy.
I'm normally a very positive person but at the moment feeling very sorry for myself!

[Smita]

terri,
Sorry you are going through sich a difficult time..best friend pregnant amd another trying too..Can be a roller coaster..This whole process is..
Just wanted to ask you if you've had an HSG to test if your tubes are ok..
Thing is, I went through a 6 months of clomid and 4 failed IUI's before the doctor thought of checking my tubes..
I'd have been saved a lot of heartache if done earlier..I
dont want to worry you either but I noticed you mentioned that your clinic feels you have the problem and hence this post..
Wishing you lots and lots of Luck and positivity!
cheers,
smita

[Terri2]

thanks Smita
I am having my tubes checked in November. I am going to call them today to see if I can get it brought forward. The thing is, they asked me if I wanted to do that in the first place or just try clomid. I said I'd give clomid a go first. What they didn't tell me is that the waiting list for this test is about 6 months! If I had known that I would have done things differently. I don't feel like I made 'informed' decisions. I didn't think about the fact that if I have blocked tubes the clomid is going to be a waste of time. So many people have said they should have done this first and I think they are right.

[Nicky Hampshire]

Hi terri2, I can really relate to how you are feeling right now. When I first decided to try IVF, my Best friend told me she was pregnant, and then half way through my treatment, my sister told me she is pregnant. Since then my mum is only interested in what is happening with my sister. The day I came out of hospital as I suffered OHSS and then a Miscarriage, my mum phoned to say that she had got all our old dolly's out of her loft so my sister could collect hers, as she had just found out that she is having a girl. TACT AND DIPLOMACY. NOT!!!!
On the other hand, my bestfriend thought that I woud not want to see her little girl, or even be her birthing partner if needed, as her husband is in the Navy. Its hard to explain how you feel and I am sure you will feel totally different depending on who it is. One of my nurses told me, its like buying a new car, until you order one, you don't see any on the roads, but once that order goes in, it seems everone has one! It was strange how she put it, but it is true.
I found that the only way to get over the stigma of my friend and my sister getting pregnant, was to rub their tummies when ever I see them, and think to myself that the magic has just rubbed off onto me.
Keep thinking positive and we will both get there soon!!!!
Nicky x Hampshire

[Terri2]

Hi Nicky

I like what that nurse said, it is Just like that! She hit the nail on the head.

Its weird, things are different between me and my friend, its like we have run out of things to say to each other. Its so hard as we are so close and she's one of the best friends I have ever had but right now we just sit there and make conversation. I ask her about her pregnancy and stuff but then I run out of things to say. For the last 2 years I suppose, the topic of conversation has been 'why aren't we pregnant' Now she is, she feels sorry for me and I feel sorry for myself. AT the same time I am trying to just be happy for her.

sounds like you have really been through it too. I can't believe your mum! Its funny how the people you are closest to can be the most tactless. I have a few people in my life like that.

thanks for your words of support. I'm so glad I found this site. This month I feel like I have someone to go through my 2ww with after all. I'm going to post here all the way through to get me through it!

[Pootle]

Hi Terri

I am sorry you are feeling like this. I too heard that my best friend is pregnant through treatment and she is now four months in. I cried for a week non stop. I felt so terrible that we would not be pregnant when the baby is born. I struggled to visit her, but she has been very understanding too - guess thats why she is my best friend..

I am feeling better now and I have decided what will be will be. I am sending over lots of positive thoughts to you and hope you will feel a little better soon.

I have to say that you have come to the right place for support. I have found it a great help here everyone is so nice and supportive.

Good luck and thinking of you

Pootle xxx

[Terri2]

wow, thats exactly how I felt too. I have cried on and off for the last week too. I have felt on the verge of depressed which is not like me.
Its good to know that I'm normal!
The hardest thing for me too was thinking that we may not be pregnant by the time she has the baby, thats just a killer! Its like torture.

However, I bought the Zita West book 2 days ago and have read it already. I'm already feeling more positive. Trying to imagine that this month I will be pregnant as she talks about visualisation. Plus doing yoga to relax me as I have had a lot of stress at work recently which I'm sure is not helping.

thanks for your support.

[KTF]

Hi Terry,

I know exactly how you feel. We are just at the start of being referrred for treatment. One of my friends has just given birth, the other has not been drinking on the last few occassions we have met. I asked if she had something to tell me, she has but says she can't tell me for another couple of weeks! So, looks like another pregnancy is on the way. The worst thing is that although I am sure it is welcome, she def wasn't even trying and it is quite bad timing for them. I also think she conceived on the evening of my wedding. I am just thinking "that should have been me!"

I was pretty upset, particularly as I had a bad day the day before thinking about my own situation. I have a couple of weeks to get used to it before I have to actually deal with talking to her about it. I am happy for her, of course I am, but you can't help but feel sorry for yourself.

I went round to see my other friend and her new baby yesterday. I have decided that I don't want to avoid friends who are pregnant or who have babies, it would be even worse missing out on sharing these great moments with my closest friends. If I am going to miss out myself, I would like to be able to share in my friends happiness. I think this is the best advice I picked up from reading stories of others who have not been successful.

I know this is easier said than done, and there will be lots of times it is hard to cope with.

I hope everything works out for you, and that it will be your turn next.

KT.

[Terri2]

thanks KT. Part of me wants to shut myself off from anyone pregnant but I know I can't do this.

My friend (who got pregnant at the drop of a hat) knew what I was going through. I emailed her and said it had been a tough week and if she rang our other friend she would explain.............that she is pregnant as well and this might be hard on me. Anyway, I got an e-mail today from the first friend saying she had heard that I'd been having a tough time at work and if I wanted to talk to call her!!!!!!!!!! Work is the least of my worries.

How can they not see that the reason I just had a tough week is after trying for 2 years, my two closest friends tell me they are pregnant within a week of each other?!!!!!!!!! I am feeling really alone now and like she just doesn't understand. She really doesn't know me as well as I thought she did.

I feel selfish for all this but to be honest I feel like my heart has been ripped out twice in the last few weeks. I have never cried so much and people and their lack of tact is not helping.

[AMck]

Hi, it is a difficult time for you. My 'best friend' who knew I'd been trying for 3 years decided to write me a letter in my 42nd birthday card telling me she was 6 weeks pregnant. I thought this was a bit insensitive!
Anyway we can keep smiling, keep hoping and support each other through the difficult times.

Hope you are feeling better

Anna

[Terri2]

Hi Anna

thanks for your message. I am feeling much better now. I have finally accepted that they are pregnant and now even feel happy for them. I told one of my friends the other day how well I'm coping with it all and she asked if I'd go baby shopping with her. I wasn't really ready for that! I said ask me later and we'll see.

Your friend was insensitive to do that! I don't know what goes through peoples minds when they do these things. I'm sure they cant' be thinking logically.