HELP ME PLEASE

babyface · Post by **babyface** » Sun May 04, 2003 6:09 am

I have been very busy sending messages this morning I know but I can't sleep, I have alot on my mind. Can anyone give me any advise please. The problem is I have never told anyone family or friends that I have a problem conceiving, I just don't know how to say it to them, I guess in a way I feel a bit ashamed about it, I haven't even told my mum and we are very close, she has never mentioned anything to me about starting a family either. Some people have said to me oh when are you gonna start having kids and I have just said I'm not ready yet to get them off my back (only if they knew how hard I was bloody trying). I am 30 dh is 32 we have been married for 3 and a half years and been together for 11yrs. If you was in my situation would you tell your friends and family after hiding it for so long. After all people must be wondering about us, don't you think. All your help would be appreicated. Thanks Pat x

jackiey · Post by **jackiey** » Sun May 04, 2003 7:16 am

Hi Pat, i'm like you this morning,normally wouldn't dream of being up this early but had day 8 scan yesterday and it looks like iui might have to be cancelled so can't stop thinking about that. As soon as me and dp started trying for a baby i told my mum so she has been there from the beginning. I don't think i could not have told her, i have also told most of my close friends but most of them don't understand what we're going through, i suppose it depends on what kind of person you are if you are a private person then you will want to keep it to yourself, the trouble with me is i can't keep my mouth shut!! You say you get on with your mum so if i were you i would tell her, she will want to be there for you and she will be there to help you through the good times and the bad. I hope this is some help to you, let me know what you decide to do. Jackie

heather · Post by **heather** » Sun May 04, 2003 8:08 am

Pat, Deciding to tell other people that you are having fertility problems is such a personal thing. I really hope that whatever decision you make is right for you. I haven't told any of my friends or family that we are having treatment, and it's really hard. I decided not to tell them because, im the youngest of 8 children, who all have familes themselves - i have 25 nieces and nephews, and to be honset i could do without thier pity - however well intentioned. I know they'd be gutted if they knew how i felt, but it's hard enough dealing with our own feelings without having to talk to them about it too. There is a part of me that regrets not telling them - when i had my second miscarraige, all i wanted was my mum to tell me it was ok, but as she didn't even know i was pregnant, there was no way i could tell her, or so i thought. It's entirely up to you, but i know i've made the right decision, not just for me, but for my DH as well. Hope this helps, Heather xxx

woppa · Post by **woppa** » Sun May 04, 2003 8:12 am

Hi there Just to say we told everyone when we had trouble conceiving and now i so wish we hadnt. I couldnt even be late for work anymore and i get people asking have i been to the clinic? My mum and dad don't agree with the IVF so i they dont ask too much about but I know they would rather we didnt do it. But I've not listened to them since i was about 11 so i dont intend to now at 33!! Its a personal choice what you should do but i no wish i hadnt told so many people. good luck love woppa xxx

Hana · Post by **Hana** » Sun May 04, 2003 12:40 pm

Hi there, I had trouble deciding whether to let people know also. After keeping it private through all the tests & trying, we decided to tell our closest friends & Dh parents. The parents were/are not very communicative about personal stuff so they do not ask, but i found it useful to have someone to off-load on (But one mate has become convinced everthing is going to work out fine & I find this a little patronising). If you tell someone make sur that its a mate you can be yourself with & SAY NO or I dont want to talk today to. It is your choice but if you need support thats what mates are for. This site is good too! Good luck Love Hana

Alison · Post by **Alison** » Sun May 04, 2003 1:25 pm

Hi Pat - as others have said, this is just such a personal thing. For me, I couldn't have managed without friends in particular knowing about the fertility problems generally, although we haven't told them exactly when we're going through cycles, as I couldn't bear all of that extra pressure. There has been the occasional slightly awkward moment, but generally friends take their lead from me and are happy to talk about it when I want to, and not otherwise. A couple of friends in particular are so thoughtful sending little cards at times they know I'll find hard and stuff, and when we're feeling down it is good to know that so many people are willing it to work for us. But another good friend chose the complete opposite and its still a secret that her two children were conceived through IVF - she only told me when I told her we were having problems. Good luck whatever you decide. Alison x

kelly_24 · Post by **kelly_24** » Sun May 04, 2003 2:19 pm

pat, so sorry to see you seem to be feeling so down, i know exactly what u mean, people keep asking me when am i gonna have kids, and it breaks my heart, i hate them asking, but i'm the same as you, i make out that im not ready yet, and i use the exuse that im only in a 1 bedroom flat and love it here so much that i wouldnt want to move because i would have to move if i had kids....but it gets so hard, as i dont knwo how much longer i can go on saying the same old shit. pat hey listen, if ever ya wanna chat pick up the phone, did i ever give you my phone number? if not il email it to ya - thats if ya want. (((hugs))) kelly x

Lizzy7 · Post by **Lizzy7** » Sun May 04, 2003 4:32 pm

Hi Pat - i hope you are feeling a bit better now. Sorry you've been feeling down. I didn't tell anyone at first - my dad kept asking how the family planning was going!! I had to tell him eventually - it's quite difficult talking to my dad about such personal stuff but he's really good and lets me bring it up first. I hadn't told friends though but i told my first one a couple of weeks ago - although she hasn't had any problems conceiving, she lost 3 babies later on so has been through the mill too and was v understanding. Sometimes i just don't know if i should tell people or not - maybe you should find someone who you think will be ok and tell them. You don't need to tell everyone at once. Take care of yourself, Pat Lots of love and hugs, Lizzy xxx

ogr · Post by **ogr** » Sun May 04, 2003 4:56 pm

we started out only telling my mom and sisters. then as we went on we told our dearest friends.everybody was such a huge help when we lost our twins.we had to tell a couple of people because we have 10 teenage boys that live with us. and our ivf was 140 miles away so friends came here and stayed while we where gone every wk.we havent had any bad respones. some people thought we where a little nuts for wanting children at 38 and 40.we would have done it years ago but we didnt have the money. .. good luck to you. i dont regret telling anyone. a couple of people even wanted to know if that was something that they could do. and i gave them my doctors #.. i just try and follow my heart. i know that i would be hert if one of my sisters where going threw something this hard and didnt tell me. good luck. becky

Kay · Post by **Kay** » Sun May 04, 2003 4:58 pm

HI Pat,hope you are feelin lots more supported by now. - my own experiences are similar to yourself in that me and dh were tryin for years witout telling anyone, and then and spent 2 years on nhs waiting list before our first go at icsi. Only one month before tmt did we decide who we were to tell. I decided that I would not tell my parents, as they were not really close to us, but that we would tell dh's parents, a couple of close friends, one of my brothers and my boss at work. I told the whole lot of them over the course of a weekend, and it was very emotional. There were floods of tears from me,and people were really suprised, apart from dh's parens who had suspected. On the whole though, I felt enourmous relief that those closest to us knew, as I didnt have to hide behind silly excuses anymore as to why I didnt want to go out drinking, do a sponsored run, and all the other things that crop up. My advice to you is to tell only those closest to you who will support you without judging you. It was also helpful to be to tell just one colleague at work, who helped to change the subject if questions about me and absence were raised. People may guess when you have time off work, but remember you dont have to talk about it if you dont want to - just tell them its not open for discussion. good luck to you pat, and im crossing my fingers for you. Kay XXXXx

Tracey S · Post by **Tracey S** » Sun May 04, 2003 6:18 pm

PAt I am with the others - all my family know - well parents and inlaws etc as known I have always wanted kids and I am 36 so 12 yrs ttc! Some friends know but tell those you trust and leave it at that - Infertility is not a failure - it is a treatment we are having - some people have diabetes etc! You will I am afraid find out who your friends are. After 2 IVF's and the first being ectopic we took the decision not to tell families and friends (only bosses) when we have treatment because the pressure is too much them asking all the time and if or when it does not go according to plan you have to dredge it all up again and tell them. There is not much spontaneity with IVF and no suprises that we look forward to just saying - IT's worked so they can have a suprise. Good luck Love Tracey xxxxx

caz · Post by **caz** » Mon May 05, 2003 3:43 pm

HI there In similar situation We havent really told anyone. Aminly because dh doesnt want to. I definately would have told my parents by now and they KEEP asking questions. Gonna have to make something up soon! Our problem is that dh has vv low sperm and I think he feels v uncomfortable about people knowing - a "male thing" I think! If it was a girl problem - I dont think I'd necessarily have the same problems - but I thats because I think my girlfriends would be more sympatheitc than dh thinks his lad friends would be.... Totally agree with Woppas point tho - once you tell people you cant take it back - and that can be a problem. I told my Mum that I'd like to havea baby about a year ago - and altho she doesnt know about our situation - its does KEEP getting mentioned by her ...." are you still trying", "are you going to a doctor ", "have you had investigations" As IF I WOULDNT HAVE!!!!!AHHHHH!! Good luck - whatever you decide.

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