Evil Stepmothers!

[lynne]

Well Souris and amfy, after reading your New Year buddies post I thought we should unite!
My gripe of the week is having to buy all the Christmas presents!
What's yours?

[amfy]

I'm just rubbish at being a step parent.

The DP has also done step parenting, but he did it on a live in basis with 2 children from the ages of 3 & 5, who had limited contact with their biological father.

I do it every other weekend to a child i met when he was 9 and who has a mother who he lives with and who rings him 5 times a day whilst he's here.

The problem is that I feel that DP thinks i should be able to build a similar relationship with his son to that he built with his ex-wife's children. This leaves me feeling inadequate, so then i don't act naturally.

Don't get me wrong - i get on quite well with the step son. It's just not at all parental. Which, in my current position, it just rubs it in really!

In terms of my attempts to have children, people say "Oh well, at least you've got (child's name)". I really wish that it did make it better, but it really doesn't. How can I stop myself being jealous of the relationship DP has with his son (because thats what it comes down to), and begin to enjoy my own relationship with his son more?

[souris]

Hi there...

yep, not always easy!

Very little age difference between me and the children (hum hum , 2 are older...)

I have tried my best, dont think i could do better actually, but anyway, whatever I say or do will always be wrong (from the mum point of view).

It makes me sad, because for my own sake, I am trying now to be as distant as possible.

And they (children and ex wife ) dont know we are trying to have a baby (dont want to make every one panick for something that might not happen...)
Ah well, if I do get pregnant, you will know about it because it will be 3rd world war!!
Dont want to get into too much details, because i get all worked up, and I am trying the 24/7 PMA thing... No need to get upset over it anyway...

I knew that DH what coming with a "package" so I cant complain now!

I am putting all my energy on concentrating on to "my" family now... (sounds terrible...)

Alright evil buddies, hope you are alright?

Take care
loads of kisses
souris

[lynne]

Souris, you dark horse you. My closest step child is only 8 years younger. But older? You really have got your work cut out. I can imagine the fuss when you two got together! Tee hee hee!!!
I must admit, I like being an "evil buddy"- that's a good title.

Amfy, it must be hard having the kids around in your home. Thankfully I rarely had to put up with that when they were younger- and always hated it. Now it's the grankids. On the one hand I want to see them, but it is SO hard. I am expected to love them as though they were mine and it will never happen. I feel towards them a great fondness, in the same way I do my neice and nephews, but nothing more than that. This is misinterpreted by DH as not caring, or disliking children generally. We had his daughter and her husband and kids for a week in Italy in the summer and DSD decided I was her confidant over her own Mother. This was very, very awkward. The good old ex- wife would still gladly beat me to a pulp if she could just get me alone one day.

These men must be something special. What do we put ourselves through it all for?

[souris]

Yeah Lynne you are very right!

I mean, if I had the tiniest doubt about my future with Dh, I would run away from it all now!! But he is the love of my life... so what can I do!!

For me it is different because we moved abroad soon after we got together with Dh. It was really hard on the kids, still is, which doesnt make things easier for us with Dh feeling guilty, not having holidays (because when we do, we have the kids, which is normal really), and the kids being jealous of me (especially the 17 years old...)

Amfy, I understand it must be difficult... but your DSS has a mum already you cannot replace her. I know it is awkward, especially when the kid is in your house doing or saying something wrong... When I have to tell them off, I ask DH to do it, because It makes me feel uncomfortable. I guess things will change when you will have a baby of your own!

As I said, i tried hard enough to have a good relationship with them.. but if they dont want it, i wont force them.

Lynne! Same here with the ex-wife! I have to watch my back, I am sure hit man is not far...!!! I can tell you that it was more than a fuss when we got together!!

Jag! are you gonna join us?
I think we have a similar story... IVF because of vasectomy... DH is a bit older than yours... difficulties with his daughter (same age)...
I agree, you are not her mum and you cant be her friend... hopefully things will smooth down with the age... hum hum...

ok, that'a along one so I stop here!

Take care

[lynne]

Hello Evil Buddies.

Souris, your post made me think lots and I realised for the first time in ages just how happy I am to be with DH. I often think that sometimes people get married and have children just because it is what society expects them to do. It's a roller coaster we are put on from being little- "Knight in White Shining Armour" and all that. At least we know we are going through this because we are really sure and I think we can all say we have really strong relationships. Having read your stories, Souris, Amfy and JAG, I think we do alright you know.-what with all the odds stacked against us. We are still here and we're still with them. It is so refreshing to be able to read the experiences of people in a similar position to myself. It really is like a breath of fresh air.
I hate it when I say to people "Oh my Step Son...." and they look at you as though you're raving mad and you just know they are thinking bad things and trying to work out just what the age difference is between the two of us and think I'm with him because he's rich. I can almost imagine the conversations they have about me in the pub. If he were rich I would definitely be a lady who lunches and fit as a fiddle after spending the afternoon in the gym.
So for the first time in absolutely ages I have decided to spoil DH this evening. I'm not sure he'll know what's hit him.
Steamed scollops, fish kebabs, nice bottle of Chablis. I nipped into a fancy cheese shop and spent a fortune (as DH is rather partial to cheese- not only is he poor as a Church mouse, he eats like one too) so we'll have a good cheese board and a glass or 2 of port. Just hope I don't burn anything.
Anyway, must dash- work calls again.
Keep your chin up girls. We'll have our own families soon.

[souris]

Hey lYnne, what a nice thing to spoil DH! I hope you are having a great time!

Just wanted to say, once ex wife said I got together with DH because I wanted an easy life!!!

Well, If i wanted an easy life, i would choose someone my age, with no ex wife or children, and someone i could have children too (naturally)!! Made my point here!

People just dont get it! Yeah DH is older than me... and so what? I am not with him for his money (hee hee, havnt find it yet!), i am with him because I love him!

I guess people that dont believe it are people who dont believe in love... and i pitty them!

Have a nice time!
souris

[Smita]

Sorry to barge in here, but just wanted to say,
WELL said Souris-
Its love that makes this world go round!

Lynne, Hope your diner went off fabulously with some celebrations at the end

You go girls!!

smita

[KTF]

HI Ladies,

Mind if I barge in here too?

Similar situation, DH is 10 years older than me and has 3 teenage children. DH’s vas reversal failed, so on the IVF/ICSI route. Not only do I have to watch my back with the ex, but also the children too. Never met them (except a couple of occasions when we have bumped into them and they took the opportunity to scream and shout at me).

In some ways I’m not that bothered. I know it sounds awful but to me they are grown up there is 10 years between me and the oldest and teenagers don’t even get on with their parents at their age, let alone the wicked step mum. Of course if they ever did come round they would be made welcome, but that’s never going to happen.

My friend has two step kids, she has them for tea once in the week, and then every other weekend from Sat morning to Sunday night. She sometimes objects to having them there. They are lovely kids too, but during the times when I do think it would be nice to share this big part of DH’s life, she tells me it isn’t as great as it seems.

Like you said Souris, I knew DH came with baggage and I accept that. There are times though when it bugs me when people either say or you know they are thinking “you knew what you were getting into”. Like hell I did. You can never know how tough it can be sometimes.

We had threats to ruin our wedding and all sorts. Happily the worst of it seems to be behind us. Over the years DH and I have had many a row about it all, how he deals with it and how I do. We seem to have that totally sorted now. To be honest I have run out of energy to get cross about things they do or say. They are not a part of my life and I have to let DH bring them up how he sees fit.

We all need to focus on our own family to give us the best chance. You know the thing that makes me the most sad, is that once we get our BFP, DH’s thoughts will very quickly turn to the dread he will feel having to tell his children. There will be fireworks that is for sure. Just makes me sad to know that there will be people wishing me and my baby bad luck, and I am sure that they will be praying for something horrible to happen.

Anyway, good luck to you all, are any of you cycling at the mo?

KTx

[lynne]

Welcome KTF and Smita.
KTF I understand completely what you're going through. But don't be so sure you'll never see the stepkids. DH's 3 were very distant until they were adults. In fact it wasn't until the birth of the first grandchild that things changed. His daughter obviously wanted DH involved from then on. Last year youngest DSS bridged the gap. There is still a big problem with the eldest. It's great for DH, though he was happy enough to ignore their existence when they were younger, he now gets regular phone calls and requests for visits. His attitude is he won't go if I don't go. I don't want to go- ever! But I'm not having him being a bad father. So off I toddle and suffer. Like it or loath it they are a part of my life aswell because I won't let DH be open to any criticism at all. I think we are actually secret masochists putting ourselves through this. I know what you mean about people wishing bad things on you. Dh's ex- wife had a child 10 years ago BECAUSE SHE COULD and she knew I couldn't. The boy is, of course, part of our lives as well which has been extremely difficult. Unfortunately he has never been looked after properly as he was born out of malice. It breaks my heart to see him with no proper parental love and I would sooner he was with me than on his own in a house. He has a terrible speach impediment because he's never been interacted with and his clothes are all second hand and worn out. He's pushed from pillar to post. Truly awful.

Souris, we had a lovely time thanks and I didn't burn the tea, so it was a great success. I am shattered today though. Half a bottle of wine and a couple of glasses of port and I was done in. I am such a light weight these days. DH was very happy though. Only problem is we devoured most of the cheese, which isn't really good for the waist line.

Smita. How's that bump coming along? Yeah, love does make the world go round. I am still convinced he must be rich really though. It would make it easier to bear. Maybe he's just saving the surprise.

[amfy]

Now you've rung some bells with me!

We have the DSS every other weekend and half the holidays. he really isn't a bad kid and we generally get on well. he annoys me sometimes but - actually, real kids do! (it's thier job - especially teenagers)

The thing that is difficult is that feeling that if he was mine i would be a better mum to him than his real one. I know I shouldn't feel like this. She is his mother and has the right to bring him up her way, and "as i don't have children", I also know I really shouldn't judge. However, on the weekends he's with her they spend the whole weekend in the pub, this has gone on the whole time i have known him (since before he was 10). i will never forget getting him a top and his first words about it were "This'll be great to wear down the pub". He was 11!

When DH has tried to broach this with her, she said that all of her friiends take their kids down the pub and theres nothing wrong with it! they are there from the time it opens in the morning till after midnight, even on Sunday when he has school in the morning.

If he doesn't feel like going to school he doesn't have to, and when he was caught truanting in a local shopping centre, she told DH that "All kids truant and theres no need to get worked up about it"

Why is it that women like this can have kids like shelling peas whilst us lot are left to struggle?

[lynne]

Amfy, I know- it's really frustrating. When DH's kide were teenagers they were always in trouble at school and only went if they felt like. 2 of them didn't even bother to take their GCSE's. They weren't brought up in the pub like your DSS, which I think is absolutely despicable, but their newest sibling has been very influenced by it. Makes me angry. I think it is the quickest way to ruin a child's life!
You must get so frustrated with the ex- wife. I know it is probably not what you want to hear, but thank goodness your DSS has you to show him another way.
Lynne