The Over 40 Crowd

[lara]

Fab, there's lots of posting going on on this thread!

Kat, well done for pulling yourself out of that horrible place regarding the girl who's pg at work. God, I find that stuff so hard! My neighbour's about to drop, and she got pregnant in between my two pregnancies last year, and I smile and wave and listen to her DH telling me all the details, and inside I'm DYING!

Last year at work someone came in on maternity leave with their baby just after I'd m/c'd, and she sat on the edge of my desk for about an hour, so I was in and out of the loo with tissues and trying to keep it together. God, I was gutted.

It's a painful old business, but you lot are brave beyond belief.

Tammy, it's good you're considering all your options as early as possible. I'd love to adopt if they'd have me, but when I wrote to adoption agencies and told them about us, they didn't even reply! I'm quite old, nearly 44 - is that why? They don't actually SAY that you have to be younger than that. I think I'd rather adopt than egg donation because then the baby wouldn't be related to either of us, so it'd feel more equal - but that's just me - some people really want to have a pregnancy and birth and breast feeding experience and have at least one partner genetically related to the child. It's a trick one, and having a known donor is another kettle of fish altogether of course. Soon that will be the norm here in the UK because all IVF children will have the right to know who their biological parents are. If your niece donates an egg, they can push you to the top of the donor waiting list by putting it into the 'egg pool', but you still get an anonymous donor. That's another way around it.

I see from the list we're gradually sorting ourselves out - Randa knows what she's meant to be doing, and the rest of us are sort of getting there!

Anna - any sign?

BigJ (Jules) - BFP 9/12/05 praying every day
Randa - EC Jan 31
Amfy-
Anna - waiting for AF, short cycle in Jan
Kat - planning another visit to Spain
Jen - meeting with consultant 27th Jan
Lisa -
Lara - planning IVF in Feb/March
Tammy- Meeting w/RE & Embryologist on 1/17 to discuss next step

[teachertam]

Hello All,

Lara: That is too bad that adoption agencies don't want to deal with the over 40 crowd. Can you adopt international children in the UK? That is the big craze here in the states. We have 3 different friends/colleagues who have adopted from China. Each country has their own age requirements. For China, the youngest partner has to be 45 or younger, to get an infant. You can be older if you adopt a toddler.

The egg donation here in the states is different too. If my niece wants to donate to me, she can. But we would rather use our own eggs, if at possible. I'm like you in that I would just consider adoption over the egg donation, but my dh would love to have his biological child. He already has 1 - 13 year old son from his 1st marriage, but I do not have any biological children.

You ladies have really been a source of encouragement for me. Pending the meeting with our doctors on 1/17, I am ready to try IVF #2 with my own eggs.

Take Care All,
Tammy

[BevT]

Wow, I just posted on this board this morning that I would find out more about the egg donation programmes at Barcelona and Kiev, e-mailed both clinics and have had responses almost immediately from both. That's service for you.

Jules, the ISIDA contact, Laura, has sent me the forms to complete via an attachment. A bit daunting, as there must be 5 or so pages of question after question, but will print them off and see if I can fill in as much on my own as I can, but I think I might need my medical records to fill in quite a lot of it. I guess I can get the info from the clinic in the UK that I had my ivf cycles with. Anyway, I'll set to it and see what happens.

Thanks again Jules and Kat for your advice.

[Kat]

Hi everyone

Emailed Spain to tell them we want to go for the biopsy, doctor is away this week but will sort it all out when she's back. Hopefully go in March...
(on hols in Feb - can't wait!)

Bev, nice to see the clinics getting back to you so quickly, hopefully you feel like you're moving forward even if DH is going to take some persuading. Spain closes in August so that might cause you a problem with DH hols maybe?

Interestingly I am one of those who would do egg donor over adoption, both for DH (although he has no prob with adoption) to have that genetic link and for me it's the thought of actually carrying a child too. I feel 'safer' somehow doing it abroad though because of the anonymity thing.

I have done a (very) small bit of research on both UK and intercountry adoption and I am sure I read most places want you to be less than 45 years older than the child so yes if you were older you could still adopt but an older child as Tammy says.

Anna - any news????

Kat xx

[Jeni Babes]

Hi everyone

wow...lots of posting to catch up on...

Amfy- thanks for your support...but the lesson you learned is worth a whole lot more you just never know do you what will happen to others. It made me think too!

Kat- good to hear you sounding more like your self...thank goodness you won't see much of this girl at work. I too would rather be an egg donor than adopt cos of the genetic link...but if i was offered an adoption baby i wouldn't say no!!!

Lara- i find it crazy that adoption agency didn't even answer your letter That is so rude...

bev- good to know the clinics are so fast...good luck persuading DH i am sure he will come round. My Df is dead against all donor eggs but we may be heading that way if the next 2 ivf's don't work. With gentle presuading just like you said it will be okay!!!

Lisa - poor you with all those injections...Shoot me if i am being thick here but are they to sort out your E2?

Anna- is it day 57 or day 1 ? Come on AF!!!!

Randa- yes your thread you started is amazing... with now over 100 pages...wow!

A big hi to everyone else!

today i am feeling very tired and low. The month May looks like a long long way off on the calander to start ivf again, but that month is chosen due to Df's work and our planned hols etc.
I keep having that maternal longing that leaves your heart howling with grief...do you know what i mean ? that some piece is deeply missing from the jigsaw puzzle of our life. I can't even pin this one on PMT as i have just finished AF. Time and patience we will all get there.

Love to everyone
jen
xxx

[Kat]

Jen, it will go so quick and May will be here before you know it. If you have holidays coming up then that'll make the time go quicker too, you'll see, please don't feel down. Plan a few treats along the way and then you can break up the long wait with little things to look forward to.
Something I've been meaning to ask and excuse me for being thick but what does DF stand for exactly, I can't work it out...

I like the jigsaw puzzle analogy - it's the bit right in the middle isn't it, the bit that really finishes off the picture, not a bit of sky in the top corner.

Bev & Jen - what is it that your other halves don't like about the thought of donor eggs? I think mine would have a problem with donor sperm (if it ever comes to that) but he has always been OK with the eggs thing. I was the one that took longer to accept the idea.

Anyway, time for bed
Kat xx

[BevT]

Hi all, and particularly Kat,

To answer your question Kat, my DH just says "it doesn't sit quite right with him". He maybe thinks it's interferring with nature just that little bit too much. I'm of the opinion that the egg is just the "seed" and the fact that I will "grow" that child in my womb, with my nutrients and my nurturing, that baby will be mine. He did agree to us going on the UK waiting list, as we were told it would be at least 18 months, so I said to him that if we went on the list, we could spend the next 18 months considering it, and if we were offered a donor, we could always decline at the time, but if we considered it first, then decided to go on the waiting list, we would be at the very bottom. If that makes sense!

So we are on the list, still waiting, been on for 15 months now, but the thought of going to Spain or Ukraine and getting a donor within a couple of months is very appealing. I Just have to pick my moment to talk to him about it. Who knows, next half-term we could be on our way to the airport!!

We have been married 10 years (Dec just gone) and have been ttc for 8 years. We have both been married before, but no children between us. When I first wanted to try, he wasn't that keen on being a dad, but went along with it for my sake, and said if it happened, it happened. After a few missed m/c I found it quite difficult to give up, but he didn't. Then in Jan 2003 I found I was pregnant (by complete fluke - we couldn't even remember when we had had sex that xmas!!). The preg went beyond 12 weeks, then 20 weeks and then 28 weeks. I couldn't believe it, but started to think "hey, we're having this baby, she is definately going to arrive". He became more and more keen, and began looking forward to her arrival. Then the awful day came, when I knew something was wrong. To cut a long emotional story short, when she was born and he held her in his arms for the first time, it just all clicked into place for him and he so longed to be a dad. I don't know if he thought at 32 weeks, she wouldn't look like a baby or what. But she did, she was perfect in every way, except she wasn't breathing. A cord accident, they said.

Since that time he spent with our darling daughter, he has been very much more keen to get pregnant again, and I think that's why he agreed to ivf. I am much older than most if not all of you girls, (now 46) so time does seem to have run out for us in terms of my own eggs. We do still try on our own each month, hoping that there is just one last viable egg left in my ovaries. But because of the age thing, the experts say our best option is the egg donor. So that's just about where we are now.

Sorry to go on so much, but it's difficult to explain DH's feelings without giving at least a bit of history.

Anyway, just off for a bit of a cry now, as talking about our precious beautiful girl (she looked just like her father) makes me get a bit weepy. I will hopefully stay positive and at least the thought of being able to go to Europe is keeping me going.

TTFN
Bev xxx

[teachertam]

Good morning to all!

Bev: Your story made me cry. I don't know how I would cope in that situation. I felt like we had a miscarriage, when my IVF did not work. We went in for transfer and the embryologist gave me pictures of my embryos. I know I cannot understand, since I've never been pregnant, but it did seem particularly difficult for dh and me.

Regards,
Tammy

[JaneR]

Hello Ladies,

It has been a very long time since I last posted, I didn't want to come back to the boards until i new what we were doing.

ANyway had two sessions of counselling since the last-ive and I am starting to feel much better. Plus I think taking complete time out to get our lives back has also helped.

We had an appointment with the Consultant yesterday and will now go on the egg donor list. We are taking a donor with us so they said it should be later this year. Not sure how i feel at the moment as it is so long away but we said we didn't want to do anything before summer.

Hope everyone is well and doing OK.

Love,

Jane

[Kat]

Hi all
Bev - thanks for sharing your story - I know how I felt with no heartbeat at 6/7 weeks but to have grown to love your child and be so far on in your pregnancy - I really can't imagine what you must have gone through.
Interesting what you say re donor eggs, I too think I would have no problem feeling it was my child if I had 'grown' it inside me - maybe for men it is just more detached and so they feel differently, I don't know.

Jane, nice to have you back again, is the donor a relative or friend? Is she donating to you or to your clinic and you get someone else's eggs? Should jump you right up to the top of the list I would have thought whichever it is.

Hi to everyone else too, had a v busy day with stupid work things going on - at least it takes my mind off not being pg. Time to go home now though - hurrah - it's the weekend!

Kat xx

[lara]

Hello all,

Bev your story is incredible, it really is. My DP is a therapist and, although he shouldn't have ever mentioned it really, when I had my second missed miscarriage in 2005 (at 12 weeks), he told me he had a client who'd had more or less the same experience as you. Then I thought to myself, my god, that is so much worse because at full term you really are dealing with a baby, not a foetus. You are extraordinarily brave, and I take my hat off to you for ploughing on. I really hope your DH goes very quickly for the donor abroard idea because at 46 you really don't need to be hanging around any longer. I'm 44 next month, so I'm no spring chicken myself, and you just have to get a move on at our age, don't you. I have a cousin who's had a terrible life and is alone and depressed but would like children. Thing is, she's 47. I tried to say, look, get down that clinic, woman! But you can't hurry people who don't understand how your fertility drops off the edge of a cliff once you hit 40. They hear about these 65 year old mothers in Italy and stuff and think they're fine. Good luck, anyway.

Glad you're going for a fun weekend, Kat, it's always good to read your posts.

Jen, I feel for you. Someone who feels that strongly should promise themselves they'll never give up: try ivf, try donor, try adoption, try fostering, just keep going til you've got a kid in your life! I really wanted to adopt my dying friend's little girl, she asked me to have her, and I love her dearly, but my DP didn't want to do it. He regrets it now, but that's too late. At least the girl's happy - we got another friend to be her guardian and she's now going through the process of adoption. The dad ran off back to France and didn't want to know - weird, isn't it, when we'd all chop off an arm to get an infant! But he was young and had depression, so I think the little girl is best off as she is. Whenever I see her I'm reminded of my dead friend, they're so alike!

Sorry - rather gloomy there!

Anna, where are you? What's new?

Lara x

[Jeni Babes]

Hi all

Bev- your story is heart breaking...to carry a child to 32wks then have a still born... Did you have a naming ceremony for your litttle beauty?
I wish you all the luck in the world with your donor eggs sweetie. may 2006 bring us all our dreams.


Kat thanks for the support...I am feeling better today. DF stands for 'dear fiance' We have been together for 4 years, he has been married before and divorced 6 years. I have been married and widowed at 30yrs ( 8 yrs ago)DH had cancer. I never thought that i would find love again but i was lucky and found a wonderful understanding man in Adam (DF). He sprung an unexpected engagement on me last Christmas (2004) by hiding an engagement ring in a Christmas cracker.(Bless him). At the time we were not really bothered about getting married after living together for 3 yrs, but after being preg twice he decided he wanted to surprise me and propose. Goodness knows when the wedding will be! I want to save all our money for ivf at the moment. it will happen when the time is right.
re; donor eggs- DF sees this as ' not OUR child' but his and another womans...even if i carry the child! It taken some discussion to see his side but i see things A LOT differantly. And if things don't work out with my own eggs then i think it's worth working on him ( i can be a naughty little persuasive devil when i want to be....). anyway kat you hard working woman enjoy the weekend


jane- hi... we spoke a lot when you ran the high fsh/low responders thread. It's great to hear from you again and that you are in a good positive space.

Lara- you are so right about chasing the longing...thank you...everyone on this site is such an inspiration. There is so much Hope on the horizon if you just have Faith...Just thinking of what big J has gone through to get to this stage is amazing...[sending loving sticky dust your way Big J. ]

Hope everyone has a great weekend...i am off to get my dinner and a huge glass of wine...CHEERS well it is Friday!!!!

Love jen
xxxx

[Kat]

Jen - now why didn't I think of that? Dear fiance is sooo obvious. I remember you telling us before about losing your husband, I really can't imagine how you felt and still feel now. I don't know what I'd do without my DH.

Bev - have you been on the babies loved and lost part of this site? There are others there who have lost their little ones, some very late in the pregnancy and would understand how it feels. (Don't leave us though!)

I have had the most tiring day dealing with stupid problems that wouldn't have happened if stupid people had done their job right in the first place. I'd have a glass of wine except I don't drink - I shall have an imaginary one instead....

No major plans for the weekend apart from things like packing away the Christmas decorations (which by the sound of it from downstairs DH has already started on) and hopefully sleeping A LOT!

Take care all
Kat xx

[BevT]

Hi Jenibabes,

Yes we did have a naming ceremony and she was blessed by the minister at the hospital shortly after she was born. One week later we had a service for her at our village church and she is buried in our parish cemetry, 2 minutes walk from our house. She always has fresh flowers and we visit her every week, sometimes more. I have a lovely album with a lock of her hair, all her scan pictures, and lots of pics of her, with me and with DH. Although it has been a terrible loss for us, we have the precious memories or her and how beautiful she was, and I am glad that I have had the experience of being pregnant, feeling her growing inside me and even giving birth (I had a relatively easy labour by most people's standards).

You have already been through so much Jen losing your DH at such a young age. Life really can throw a load of S..t at you can't it. I think it's about time you had some luck come your way, and now that you have found "joy" with your DF, a little one will be the icing on the cake. Fingers crossed for you that 2006 brings you what you dream of.

Kat, thank you for the info on the other board, I may visit it at some stage, but will probably need to be in the right frame of mind. For now, I feel happy to stay here with you guys, where there is so much love and support and PMA.

Bev xxx

[randa2006]

My goodness, Bev. I can't believe you went through all that. My Lord, how strong you both are to get through such a terrible loss. I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing it with us even though it's such a painful memory.