Possible Blood Clot?

[hopeful13]

Well all day today has been a roller coaster of emotion. I've gained about 5 pounds this week - guess I didn't know till my nurse told me that Lupron has the potential for weight gain - and when I told my husband I needed to shop this wkend for pants he said "you have plenty". I lost it in tears - he then apologized and said he had no idea this process could make me gain weight and I could get whatever I needed.
I'm an emotional wreck.
Plus the pain I'm having from the cyst they found -things have not been going well.
Today I started having throbbing pain in my leg - it was all too familiar to two other situations I've had - 1 the last endo cyst I had gave me a lot of leg pain - but also they found I had clots in my leg in my early 20's and took me OFF BCP because of it......
I called the nurse - she was very sweet.....but said this was VERY important and I should have told them about this upfront before we started the IVF so they could run bloodwork on me and monitor my blood levels. I was supposed to start my stim's on Monday - but now instead have to stay on Lupron 1 more week and go in monday for bloodwork to be ran.
I just LOST it on the phone - I just started bawling as I had NO IDEA that blood clotting in my 20's would be an issue now. She said that if I were to get pregnant my chances of a blood clot would go up by 4x - and you have high % chance of having a miscarriage both early & late term because of it. She said it was safer to know now so that they can check my levels and put me on blood thinner while they can - before I start my stim's.
I know this is the right thing but everything has been put in my path to go wrong......I'm just devastated, frustrated, angry, pi**ed off. Why can't I just be a normal woman - why do I just feel like the world's most dysfunctional female.

I called my husband and his voice cracked on the phone and he said "we will get through this - it's just a week. I'd rather have you around to help me with a baby, ya know?" I laughed a little at the idea of him left alone trying to care for a baby himself......I think I'm done w/the tears now and realize it's the right thing.......but the right thing doesn't always mean you feel better.

[sassynlv]

hopeful: I am sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. We get our hopes up and expect things to happen at a certain time, and i know how hard that is when it doesn't happen. I know you weren't aware that it may be important for them to know about your history of clots... but sounds like it is a good thing that they are aware of it now. This way all the testing can be done before stims. i know you know this, but doing the right thing is not always easy. I am sorry that you are disappointed. I am hoping that the testing goes well, that either nothing special will need to be done, or it is something easily treatable while stimming. Wishing you the best! hang in there.

[kholtan]

hopeful13~
Your letter about brought me to tears. This is a group of women that truly understand your pain. As if it's not hard enough to not be able to have babies naturally? I can feel your frustration.
Perhaps this is just an opportunity for you to learn something very important for when your baby/babies are here. Maybe it's God's way of prepping you for mulitples? No matter what, stay chipper and positive. Vent as much as needed and know we all really do understand. You are obviously very loved by your DH and all of us!
Lots of love, big warm hugs, and baby dust coming your way!!!!

[cmoscar]

Hopeful 13

Be very glad they stopped! I have a blood clotting disorder and I had endure 6 m/c and two very terrifying pregnancies before they found out. Like you, I had had problem on BCPs and I told this to my RE. He ran a bunch of tests and discovered the disorder. Had they discovered it before I went through all the m/cs or even before I was pregnant with my sons, they could have saved me a ton of grief. I know it seems like a set back, but it is better to find out and not have to go through all the m/cs. M/Cs are very hard emotionally and physically. Good luck darling, they are doing the right things!

[hopeful13]

Hi! Well got an update yesterday.....they allowed me to move forward w/my stims....they said that I don't have any true symptoms of a blood clot at this time - as my leg would have progressively gotten worse over the wkend - when the pain just went away by sat. morning.....They said clots don't "resolve" themselves they just get worse. They think some of the pain was a mix of hormones, my endo. cyst, & med's.
They still are running the tests this week but let me start my stim's this week as well. I'm supposed to do a retrieval next wed, thurs, or fri if all goes as planned.

Last night my DH and I "had it out" not in a bad way - but I am feeling SO torn right now.....our agency called and someone selected us for adoption.........part of me just feels like - how can this be happening?!!!!!!!!! Why now!!?? We pursued adoption 8 mo's ago - but hadnt' heard a peep - until now!!!???
The BM is committed to us as being the parents - but we can't afford to do an adoption as well ...... if I go through w/the IVF my chances of multiples are higher because of my age. I am in so much pain & agony today as my stomach is killing me (from the shots), my joint pain is so bad, I just feel like an emotional wreck.

My DH told me he doesn't feel like the IVF is "worth it" anymore because it is just to hard on me and he hates seeing me this way......I just want to be a mom....and I'm scared that we could proceed w/the IVF then what if I either A. dont' get pregnant OR B. end up having a m/c - then we end up with nothing - not one of ours and not this adoption.

The young girl went into our agency and said she wanted us - she said something about us makes her feel connected w/us. I mean why would God seem to have open the door of IVF - then drop this in our laps.

I feel very upset right now - scared - I don't know about you guys -but no one ever tells you going into IVF what it is going to feel like.....no one tells you just how hard it is really going to be. I honestly must say that before the IVF I had it settled in my heart that we were going to adopt - - - and for the first time I felt free.....happy....joyful.
Then the IVF came up.....had I known then what I do now about what you can go through.....I don't think I would have ever wanted to proceed.
Now my heart is torn and I feel like I can't give my heart fully to either situation as both possibly could have a child in store for me......but at the same time.....I could lose both.

For me - it's just the end result...being a mom - however that comes about. For my DH it is both are great.....but 1 exceeds the other (having your own if you can) - I would have to say if I am honest I am going throught his 90% him - 10%me.

I don't even know how to get through this week and what will happen. It's day 2 of stim's - and I just feel empty.

[cmoscar]

Hopeful-In-LV

I truly feel for you! I was also faced with the possibilty of adoption in the middle of my crisis cycle. In fact, I had decided to do the adoption because we had such a small chance of the embryo taking. The girl was from the Dominican Republic and was the daughter of the woman who raised my husband. In the end, we were not able to adopt her because we found a way to help both mother and child to come here. We are now in the process of getting them visas. Once they arrive, we will help them get settled and help the mom get jobs. This way the family stays together!

However, your situation is a little harder. I am not sure if it helps, but my husband's employer provides reimbursements to employees who adopt. Check with your employers. If so, you might have a way of doing the adoption. In the end, you and DH must make the decision. It is hard to give up on yourself, but sometimes it is harder not to. I will pray for you to get your end wish, but in the end your road is yours to choose.

Good luck!

[hopeful13]

cmoscar - thank you for your response.....It is hard to know what the right thing is. I am so torn. My work does not cover adoption at all.
I am getting IVF coverage right now though . . . but we still couldn't afford to do both.

My husband is hispanic and we requested the agency fit us with a mother where the baby would be part hispanic. This baby is.......and that makes it even harder as the situation is perfect fit for us.

I have my next ultrasound this Thurs.....not sure.....maybe I will just go 2 more day of shots until my appt and then have a better idea where we are at w/things.......

I feel horrible today - physically, mentally, emotionally......I'm barely into my IVF and feel like I just want it to stop and be over. I have so much respect for those of you out there that keep up the pursuit.......as I just don't feel like I'm that strong......

[kholtan]

hopeful~

Reading your story made me want to just cry. This situation seems to just be so hard to sort out. I know it's very cliche' to just say "search your heart" but really what else is there to do? Some people believe in signs and you have certainly been getting a few with a mother that just felt like you were the perfect fit and the ethnic background as well. I really feel for you.

I'll be thinking of you and praying for you. Follow your heart and either way you will one day be parents! Have faith!

best wishes~
Kimberly