I Need Advice from Those Who Have Had Donor Eggs...

[julie_h]

Our first IVF appears to be a failure. I'll know for sure in the next couple of days but I have terrible PMS and my body runs like clockwork.

In an attempt to cope a little better, I am trying to think of what to do next. My husband has gone through MESA/TESE and we have some of his sperm tissue frozen. My eggs creation wasn't very good - only ended up with 3 viable eggs and only 2 fertilized. I know that it only takes one to work but the odds weren't in our favor and we have no frozen to fall back on. The doctor was kind but honest -- he had me on the highest dose of meds and he didn't expect any better response if I were to try again. We don't have the money to keep doing this over and over again so we realistically only have one more shot at IVF before we have to give up on this option.

I originally thought that donor eggs was a great solution but now I find myself a little sad at the thought. My husband feels that if we can't have children that both biologically ours, then we should have kids where at least one of us is biologically tied. In my head, I agree with him. But I keep wondering how I will feel knowing that it isn't my child...just his. These are selfish and uncharacteristic thoughts for me but I would be lying if I didn't admit to them.

I need advice from those of you that decided to use donor eggs. These are some of my questions but I would welcome any advice on how you came to your decisions. I am specifically asking for guidance from those of you that used donor eggs with your husband's sperm.

1) I keep thinking that if I carry the child for 9 months, it would feel like mine...but does it feel like yours?
2) Did you tell everyone what you were doing or just keep it 'in the family'?
3) Do you look at your child and miss seeing yourself?
4) Do you have any regrets? How do you feel?
5) Does it feel weird that the child is biologically only his?

I don't want this to sound negative. This is a wonderful option and we are fortunate that it is even a choice. I am confused by how hurt I am at the prospect when I would gladly adopt and never give it a moment's thought.

Did any of you have these doubts and thoughts? Did it turn out okay?

Thank you for any replies...I could really use your help right now.

Julie

[schel67]

julie,
Hey there, I don't know if I can help you but I am currently in the process of IVF with Donor Eggs. I need to use Donor eggs because I don't have anymore of my own due to Chemotherapy at a young age. My husband thinks the same as yours.... At least the child will be biologically his. I had the same question you have. Here are the answers I came to accept. Yes my child will not be of my DNA but I will still carry and bring the child into this world. I will be it's only mother! If parents who adopt and don't give birth to thier kids can still feel that special bond then I have even more to help me bond. I actually have friends that have adopted babies and now that the kids are older I can actually see a resemblence. I guess it's kinds like the phenomenon when two best friends hang out all the time they start to look like sisters. Everyone thought me and my best friend were sisters growing up. I hope you can relate to that.

I myself have told everyone that we are using donor eggs, but after the baby or babies are here. I won't be telling people we just meet we used donor eggs. For example: When my hair fell out at 21 years old from chemotherapy I had to wear a wig. I got a wig as close to my natural as possible. The people close to me knew it was a wig because they knew what I going through. On the other hand people I knew, but wasn't close with or people I just met thought it was my natural hair and I wasn't about to tell them different. After all, it was MY hair.... I paid for it.

As for missing seeing myself in my child, I don't totally know the answer to that yet. I can only imagine, as my child grows I will still see learned characteristics of myself, and I know I will see my husband who I love and cherish. Sometimes kids don't look like one of the parents anyway. Nothing wrong with that.

Regarding regrets. I ask you, what kind of regrets could you possibly have being able to nurture and give birth to your own child. A child bonded not only by blood but from the truest of love and the need to share yourself with a child of your own? How do you think you would feel?
I know I would feel blessed.

If you would like to talk anymore, I'm open.

Ps. My FET is tomorrow at 1130pm. This is my second IVF attempt

[rhall00]

Hi Julie,
I've had 2 IVF cycles and am up for one more next month. The previous 2 resulted in no mature eggs and my doctor is baffled. We're trying one last round using Lupron as the trigger vs. HCG, but it's highly unlikely it will be successful.

My doctor has already brought up egg donation and I feel the same emotions you feel. My husband had cancer when he was in college so we are using frozen sperm. Imagine my surprise when we found out I was the one with the problem!

I sitll haven't come to terms with it, but the other woman who posted has some really good points, things I hadn't thought about before. I think it's just something we need to come to terms with. I know I've still got a lot of thinking to do on the subject, but having a loving husband and knowing that your child will have your characteristics and look like your husband is comforting. Best of luck and I'll keep you posted on my results next month.

Rebecca

[schel67]

Rebecca,
I'll be praying you get your own eggs mature and have a successful IVF transfer with your own eggs. If you ever want to talk to me more about IVF with Donor eggs just let me know.

Ps. My Transfer Friday went beautiful. 3 embies transfered. Now in 2 ww!

[SLP65]

Julie:
I'm in a similar situation. I'm on my 2nd IVF transfer. They've told me that if this doesn't hold it's be/c my eggs are getting to old and the odds aren't as good, (i'm soon to be 42yo). I've had 2 BFPs w/this transfer but I am bleeding and am cautiously/anxiously optimistic this will hold, (next test tomorrow). Now I'm thinking about about an egg donor. My hesitations mirror yours. I spoke to my sister before my last transfer to see if she might be willing to donate eggs. I'm lucky in that she is a full sister who is 12 yrs younger than me.
Is there any possibility of a family member donating to you? For me that helped lessen some concerns but also brought on new ones, i.e. what if later she is unable to have kids, what if something is goes wrong I would never want to cause strife w/ my sis, etc.

Please know I think your concerns are completely normal and the best thing you can do is voice them get feedback.

Good luck to you.

[julie_h]

First, I want to thank you all for replying and giving me a much needed shoulder and a sounding board! The whole process of IVF is an emotional challenge and we all can use a little help from time to time.

I think that Schel made some wonderful points. And some of my peace right now also comes from just stepping back and thinking more about the whole situation. I am feeling really good about the whole prospect right now (in part, because of all your generous responses!).

Some things I thought about, too:

1) Our other option is adoption. This is an even more extreme version of donor eggs - LOL! So I don't see much benefit there.
2) My husband is a gem - and, I would love to be able to see him in our children.
3) I am strong willed person...I am sure my kids will end up exhibiting many of my traits purely by association. Again, LOL.
4) I have a chance to choose a donor that will mitigate some of my physical traits that have always bothered me (like choosing a donor that is naturally thin or athletic . In some ways, I am contributing to the genetics of my children by choosing the donor.

I guess some decisions and ideas just take some getting used to. I was reading a website about this and they called it a 'grieving' period - where you come to terms with the fact you will not have genetic offspring. Then, you move on to acceptance and can see the good side of things.

I am pleased to say that we are looking forward to trying IVF again with donor eggs and the wonderful children that we will have!

And Schel, I am sending you happy, pregnant thoughts during your 2ww.

Thank you all for your comfort and willingness to share your experiences and thoughts.

Julie

[Kat]

Hi

Saw your post just now and thought I'd let you know how I feel -

after having had 6 attempts at ICSI always with poor response to stims on my part, and the last one with no eggs retrieved, we were advised that our only way of me carrying a child was to use donor eggs. It took me a good few months of thinking about little else to decide that it was the right thing for us to do. Our first DE tmt ended with a blighted ovum at 6 weeks but at least we know we can get pg. For that short time, it was definitely MY baby. We are now doing our second DE cycle with transfer due for early March.

The resemblance thing is covered because your donor will share physical characteristics with you and who knows what a combination of you and your DH would look like anyway. Think of people with brothers and sisters who look nothing like each other, each time the same mix of genes has come out different.

As to who we would tell, I think probably only very close family who I think have a right to know. We have told very few people about any of our treatments and really it's none of their business. I don't go round asking pg ladies I know if it's their genetic child they are carrying Having said that, there are times when I think everyone should know because it will raise awareness of the need for people to donate eggs. It's a difficult one...

There are a few ladies on the "over 40 crowd" thread on the general forum who are pg from donated eggs if you want to come over and ask some more questions...

Best of luck in your treatment
Love
Kat xx