What do I do now?

[tryw8]

This is my first time ever that I actually decided to post.

I honestly can sympathize and empathize with all the unsuccessful attempts.

I am 39 years old. My husband and I are coming up on our 4th anniversary. It's been a long struggle and drawn out process for us in trying to conceive. The hardest task ever was getting my husband to submit for a sperm analysis.

I have had my share of Clomid treatments and THREE failled IUIs. I went through a hysteroscopy and belly laparoscopy. All repair(s) were made and then we went for the consultation on the IVF process.

As luck would have it, we ran into my husband's best friend's niece who happened to be going through treatment at the same time as us. (The world is too small.) I really wanted to remain anonymous and my privacy respected during the process but this girl doesn't keep a tight lip. She called me up and wanted to compare how many eggs were retrieved. I chose not to say anything.

I endured all the IVF injections. In fact, my husband was getting really good with the IM Progesterone ones. On Memorial Day, my eggs were retrieved and then 4 embryos were transferred a few days later. (I was in so much pain after the egg retrieval. My husband was worried. I don't think I have the courage to go through it again.) I followed post-op instructions to a "T".

I went for my HCG 11 bloodtest and HCG 13 bloodtest as instructed on the days to be reported.

I get an unnerving phone call from my husband's best friend's niece saying that she just found out she is pregnant! She was glorifying of how much the IVF team of doctors we are being treated by, are the best in the world. Yeah, because SHE GOT PREGNANT.

Sadly to say, I got my phone call not too long after that from the IVF nurse. All I remember hearing was, "May I speak to ...." This is she. "I don't know what happened. I am so sorry." I kept bawling probably not hearing what else was being said. I honestly felt like locking myself up in the house never to come out and see daylight. The hardest thing to do was to return to work after receiving such a devastating blow.

All I want to know, what went wrong!!! Is my body that much of a hostile environment? What will be done different on the second attempt?

My husband and I decided to not tell our families from the start of going through the entire conceiving attempt(s). We knew that it would be a stressful one and that we didn't want any additions. We've come to a crossroad in our marriage.

I'm so confused on what to do. I have three embryos frozen. (four were transferred and not even one took) I'm feeling like I won't be able to handle another disappointment. My husband and I have an appointment for a post-IVF consultation in a few days.

Life is so unfairly cruel!
I still feel like crap and $$$ less of treatment.

[cowbella]

Hi there "tryw8",

Just wanted to respond to your message because MAN do I know what you're feeling. I think I would have wanted to smack that niece of yours! But seriously, it is so hard to know where to turn to and how to proceed from there.

After my failed IVF March '07, my doc told me the only hope was donor eggs. I cried for days. Now I have good days and bad. The good days come when I listen to my hopeful side and all the wonderful people/practitioners who tell me not to listen to the dr., that I'm still young (37), that miracles can happen if you let them. The bad days come when I give in to the statistics and diagnoses and hard facts. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking a tightrope between the two, ready to fall off with the slightest breeze.

The truth is, you'll never know what went wrong and you can't beat yourself up about it. Your doctor will give you his hypothesis, but so much of what they tell us is a guess, because there is no way for them to really know!

Did you try acupuncture with your IVF? Also, they are having great results for people with IVF and hypnotherapy. You might try those if/when you implant your remaining eggs.

Life IS unfair and cruel. Why this has to happen to women like us, I don't know.

[karia]

sorry you are feeling so bad

[2ndtimer]

I can also really, really relate to what you are saying. It's just devastating when it doesn't work and you've done everything right. I'm 38. We started with a diagnosis of male factor. Now after 2 "perfect" IVF cycles & 1 FET all resulting in BFNs, it's starting to look like there's something wrong with me too. AND I just keep getting older. I got an infection from the 1st IVF and needed a hysteroscopy to clear up the scars.
I never, never imagined my life without having a whole house full of kids. Now it's seeming very likely that I may never have any. All I can say is that it does get easier with time. The hurt and the longing, and the just being pissed off that I can't have kids is still there, but I don't have to spend days lying in bed crying anymore.
I started accupuncture(which I recommend -very relaxing & stats show it really helps), I'll be starting steriods for the next cycle, and I get to try FET again next month. We're now on a try it(IVF) 3 times in a year or your money back program. So if this FET doesn't work I'll do 2 more fresh IVF cycles. We're going broke paying for the meds because my insurance no longer pays for them, but what the hell?
I'm looking at this year as something I need to do to prove to myself that I did everything I possibly could.
Hang in there, I've found that just venting on this forum really helps.
2ndtimer