what to do about DH and intercourse (or lack thereof)

[chelly180]

Hi ladies-
I need some advice! I will be 8 weeks tomorrow with a singleton...occasional spotting on & off. RE is strict and said no intercourse unless I am no longer spotting. I agree b/c this is our 1st pregnancy, and I don't want to do anything that may endanger our baby. DH is not taking the news so well. Every night he is hounding me for sex, and I told him no b/c the RE said no and I don't feel ready. He doesn't get it, and its really starting to frustrate us. I try to 'please' him in other ways, but he still wants to do-it.
Any advice on how to get him to see its best to wait for the baby's sake? I am just following the doctor's advice.

Thanks!
Michele

[srlegaspi]

He just needs to get over it. You are much nicer than I am. We couldn't do it for the whole first trimester and I was too gaggy to please him in other ways so he just did without. He was fine with it though after all the money we have spent on infertility.

[tryw8]

chelly180:

For me, this is my first successful pregnancy too. My OB/GYN has been very strict. No sex from the beginning of FET. Then when we got a confirmed ultrasound @ week 7, he looked at my husband and said, "Absolutely no sex. This is a very delicate situation and you have a miracle baby. Don't jeopardize it." My DH understood.

Then as weeks went on, when my DH could come to the appointments, I asked my doctor, "How about having sex? Can we yet?" His answer would be a firm, "NO."

At week 27 (I'm at week 29 as I write this), doctor told us to wait until week 30 for any sexual intercourse. By now, if you talk to my DH, he's lost interest in satisfying his selfish sex drive. He's concentrating more on the delivery of our healthy baby to come.

Congratulations on your BFP!

Karen

[riogirl71]

I agree that your DH needs to stop putting that kind of pressure on you. Especially if you are taking care of things in other ways. He needs to be a little more sensitive about how important it is to keep this baby. I have been having weird cramps after IC so we have been doing other things, he wish it happened more often but he is cool about it. You need to sit down your DH and explain it to him that it is not about him right now. It is not fair to YOU! You already have enough pressure as it is!

Good luck!!!

[woodcliff]

Was he not involved in every step? Did he not see what you went through, both of you, to conceive?

I think he sounds like a selfish idiot...I hope he gets over himself before your baby comes, or you might be in for a rude awakening when you have to take care of 2 babies rather than only one!

Seriously, you two should be in this together...he should be supportive of you in every way...his behavior, if it does not change, is indicative of what the future holds...
good luck

[Dexter]

We were also advised not to risk anything with IC due to complications and persistant bleeding. My DH and I made the decision together that we would not risk it and now even at 32 weeks, I am scared of premature labour which can be brought on by sex so we still haven't! My DH has been just as scared as me so our understanding of our situation has been mutual. Sounds like your DH doesn't understand the implications of what he's nagging you for. I can understand your frustration. Give him a stern talking to. When those babies arrive you'll be so exhausted that he'll also have to accept that things change for a while also and you'll also be bleeding for up to 6 weeks after the birth and risk infection with IC.

The joys of parenthood! Tell him to to have a nice warm bath, lock him in the bathroom and leave him to it I say!! Of course I'm saying that lightheartedly. It's important to keep an open line of communication.

Good luck,

Dexter

[Dri-Jim]

Hey Chelly-

I don't know what to tell you dear! I'm not as down on the guy as the poster a couple replies up thread, but he needs to get it together! At least he still thinks you're hot, right?

Girls, I'm one of the few men that post here and Chelly and I know each other from the April Cycle Buddies thread. In fact, my wife is about 8 1/2 weeks pregnant, so I know the sex deprivation deal first hand.

Funny though, because our doctor seems to think we're fine to have sex. Problem is she feels crappy so we're going to wait. I also don't want to hurt our chances after going through this crazy process.

Anyway, hang in the Chelly. Tell him that if I can stay away from my Brazilian hottie, he can do the same for his babe and baby!

Jim

[chelly180]

Thanks for all your advice!
My DH has been so supportive of this whole process, he went with me to every appointment and has been giving me PIO's like a champ. His only downside would be the IC thing. He doesn't get mad or anything, I think he's frustrated.
Jim you are right, it does make me feel good that he finds me irresistable! Yesterday I told him the RE said we HAVE to wait b/c of the spotting, I think he's starting to get it through his head. (both of them)

God Bless!
Michele

[2ndtimer]

Hi Chelly,
I think some men just get a little scared that the whole sex life is going down the tubes with the pregnancy & baby and don't know how to handle it well, so I wouldn't let it get to you too much. Don't give in against MD orders but don't get too mad about it either if you can help it. My advice, try not to get too mad at the big oaf & keep up with the "other stuff" (which by the way most married men would be thrilled about). Be patient. Arguing about sex just makes the whole thing worse & I think there's a lot worse things than know that your husband is really wanting to do it with you -like what if he didn't want to anymore? Men aren't without feelings & sex makes them feel wanted, attractive, loved, etc. As crazy as we women get sometimes through this whole infertility/IVF process, I think men should be allowed a little craziness/bad behavior too. Sounds like you've got a good guy there in most ways, you guys will get through this time.
I can't remember which book of the bible states this, but basically somewhere in the new Testament it says that love is an action -in other words it's more than just what you feel, it's what you do. So when you aren't quite "feeling it" you can still show it(in many ways, not just sexual) and that carries you through until you start to feel it again.
2ndtimer

[LostGirl]

2ndtimer,
What level-headed advice. Marriage should never be a blame game.

Chelly, what you really want to know is why is your DH feeling so needy right now, and why is that coming out bluntly in requests for sex?
Lostgirl

[chelly180]

2ndtimer- thank you for the advice! I will try to step up the other ways I show I love him, maybe that will help ease the tension! The last few months have been very centered around me and the baby, so maybe he is craving attention?

lostgirl- you are right; I think the bigger issue is why he feels he needs IC. We got married in 2005, but we have been together for 2000. We have a very close, deep relationship; we moved away from our familes after a year of dating, so it has always been just us. I think he is worried that my focus will shift from him to the baby. I guess I need to reassure him that even though we will be parents, we will always be husband and wife 1st.

God Bless!
Michele