Just Realized We Can't Do IVF :(

[endo-freak]

I am just beyond devestated. We've been preparing ourselves for this new road, I have an appt with the RE in the beginning of July to discuss the next step of IVF and have been going back and forth with my decision to actually go through with it. One day I'm ready to do it and the next I decide to forget it.

It just comes down to the fact that we can't afford the monthly payments of the $16,000 loan we'd have to take out to be able to even try one cycle. DH isn't making the greatest of money, we don't really have any debt anymore besides a small balance on the credit card but when you add in our rent being jacked up $100.00 starting next month, food going up, electricity going up, GAS going up and my not working because it's practically cheaper for me to stay home as my car goes through gas like water and we can't afford another car payment.

I cried so hard last night. My mother knows but can't even begin to understand, she had 6 kids without a thought. We can't try on our own because of my Stage 4 Endometriosis. I'm on continuous bcp's so I don't get a period. I'm almost 32, I wanted to be a mother by 30. DH thinks that waiting 3 more years to save up is as easy as pie. Waiting one more day is shear torture. Why me? I'm am in such a fragile state. I've never felt this way before. It wasn't until yesterday that I plugged in all the numbers to see what the monthly payment would be that reality hit me like a Mack truck. We just can't afford it. And then if we did try it, there's no guarantee that it would even work the first time. Then I'd be stuck with a $400/month reminder for the next 7 years or so that it didn't take and that I don't have a baby.

I feel like dying. I am dying on the inside. Why can't our insurance pay for just one cycle? WHY?? How come my white-trash neighbor can have as many kids as she wants as she sits there and drinks all afternoon just to be able to 'handle' her kids? We are good people. I wonder what I did to deserve this hell.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Dakota]

I am so sorry your feeling down. I think its a stage we all go through. Hating the world, hating everyone around us, and without a doubt hating the sight of a pg women or someone with 50 million kids in tow. It gets better I promise!!!

Have you looked into shared donor program at your clinic? Or looking for a clinic that has it? How about a clinic that is looking for paticipants for studies. These all decrease the cost of IVF as much as 50-60%, even some are free except for the cost of meds. Maybe even looking into the next state? I live in GA and I know that in TN its much cheaper there and you can work it out where you can go to your local Dr for the U/S and blood work.

Maybe your DH is right, but maybe you can comprise on 1.5 years instead of 3. Babies are kids are very expensive to add to the cost of IVF.

I wish you the best of luck!

[hrobinson]

Endo-Freak Please do not give up. Let me give you my story, hopefully in shortened form.
I started ttc about 8 years ago. It wasn't working, which didn't surprise me as my sister had problems. so I spoke with my obgyn and he put me on chlomid. After 3 months of that, I felt horrible. I had a terrible throbbing pain in my right ovary. I could hardly walk. When I spoke with dr. he said it was my imagination and to just take some pain meds. I did this for a few weeks, then went in for my annual. Well, sure enough I had a cyst the size of a softball on my ovary. He just said lets keep an eye on it and see what happens. Welll, within a week it had ruptured along with my right tube. I was devistated, but relieved at the same time. I was relieved because I was finally diagnosed with what they thought to be endo. (I had always had the most horrible periods, but just figured it was normal). So I researched succesful dr. and ended up going to Oregon to see Dr. David Redwine. (I used him because we thought the endo was on my lungs, and he is 1 of 10 in the world who deals with this.)
Anyhow, he said it was the worst case of endo that he had seen in his 20 years of practice, but that he got it all.
One year later I still was not pregnant. So, I sought out a good endocrinologist and he discovered that my remaining tube was blocked and due to tons of scar tissue he thought I just needed to remove it and do IVF.
I said NO WAY!!!
However, a few months later my sil told me that if 10 years down the line I thought I would regret it, then I better go ahead have the tube removed and start IVF. I made the call that day.
Anyhow...did IVF once and got a BFP I have a beautiful daughter who is 3 years old now.
We were able to pay that very expensive cycle because we had just sold our house and made a profit.

However, last year I underwent IVf again. Unfortuantly the endo had removed which was not good. So, Sadly I got a BFN
I was gutted as this was $15000 that could have gone towards my dd college education...and to make matters worse, we didn't have the money to pay for it.
I have worked a deal with the clinic where I just pay them $100 a month and we are good. So, it will take FOREVER to pay off this BFN, but at least it didn't strap us terribly.

We just underwent a FET, and we are hoping to be pregnant now. WE will find out in about a week and a half.

My main thing is don't give up hope. Talk with the clinic and see if they will work with you. Age is a factor when it comes to IVF. I don't always think that our dh understand exactly what we are going through in all this.

Please feel free to pm me if you want to talk.

good luck with your tough decision

[IndieBlue]

I'm sorry...I know how you feel. But I have one word to say STUDIES!!! We were going to wait till later next year to start a cycle, but after doing some searching of clinics within 2 hours of me I found on that had a study for 3500 plus the cost of meds! Yes, the cost of gas put a big chunk of change on to that...but still much much cheaper than a full cycle here locally. Lots of studies are even cheaper or free than what I paid...so don't give up!

[endo-freak]

Thank you for your supportive replies. How do I go about finding a "Study"? I've not really heard too much about this.

I just had my 3rd surgery for my Endo a month ago and the surgeon who did it was voted one of the top doctors in the US. So I know he was good and he even said the endo was bad. They thought I had only one cyst on my left ovary and it turned out to be 2 cysts.

The scar tissue is where my fear really is centered. Unlike most women, I don't have the 'luxury' of just waiting around until we can afford it. Each day this stuff keeps growing and growing and with the 3 surgeries, the amount of scar tissue in there just gets bigger and bigger. Eventually it's going to block my tubes and I don't want to wait until that happens and then I'm really screwed. I am not willing to use donor eggs or sperm. DH is fine in that area, but he's diabetic and as we get older things are going to start to shut down. I want a child with my DNA, not some other womens dna. I'm not willing to do adoption at the point in my life. Maybe down the road I will change my mind, but since I know I could get pregnant with IVF eventually, I'm just not willing to do those different options. I'm too angry right now to even think straight.

I am just so defeated right now. If I could run away I honestly think I would.

[IndieBlue]

http://clinicaltrials.gov/

YOu can check out that site for some, or just go to the CDC site here
http://apps.nccd.cdc.gov/ART2005/clinics05.asp
and click on your state for a list of clinics in your area and either check out their websites or just call them and ask if they have any current studies, or upcoming studies that you could receive information on. That's what I did Like I said though....I did have to go 2 hours away to find one that fit me....but still a lot cheaper than that full cycle locally and it's easier to pay for a tank of gas here and there for appts then pay for a loan payment for the next few years.

[endo-freak]

http://clinicaltrials.gov/

YOu can check out that site for some, or just go to the CDC site here
http://apps.nccd.cdc.gov/ART2005/clinics05.asp
and click on your state for a list of clinics in your area and either check out their websites or just call them and ask if they have any current studies, or upcoming studies that you could receive information on. That's what I did Like I said though....I did have to go 2 hours away to find one that fit me....but still a lot cheaper than that full cycle locally and it's easier to pay for a tank of gas here and there for appts then pay for a loan payment for the next few years.

Thank you!

[Kabillion]

I also knew of a clinic in our area that would give 1 free IVF if you donate eggs or go through their studies.

I know this is a big change, but have you considered changing jobs? Government jobs here in NJ give 3 free IVFs. Just a suggestion.

Good luck to you.

[AdsGirl]

Endo-Freak - Good luck finding a study that will include you and your DH. I know the struggle this is financially...my DH and I are facing the same thing. We are just starting our first try at IVF, I'm not sure we will be able to try again...hoping for the best on the first try!

Try to stay positive and think strategically about how else you might be able to make it happen. Thinking of you...

[2ndtimer]

Hi Endo,
I think we can all relate to how you are feeling. I just wanted to say Don't give up hope & also, slow down... I know you are past ready for a child(believe me, I know) but you don't have to figure all this out today or tomorrow or next week. 32 is still really, really young even if you do have severe endometriosis. If your tubes get completely blocked, then your tubes get blocked. You don't need them for IVF anyway. As long as you have your ovaries you can still produce your own eggs. And as long as your DH makes a little sperm then they can still do ICSI.
Right now I know it seems like all you have in front of you are dead ends, but that really isn't how it is. Maybe it would help to write down a list of things you need to accomplish in order to afford IVF. 1.) get reliable transportation 2.) get a job with good insurance -if it won't pay for the actual IVF, maybe at least pay for $5000 towards the meds 3.) save up $ 4.) research, research, research -There a lots of clinics out there. Some are more expensive than others. Some offer different kinds of deals. Most importantly, some have much better success rates. And there are all kinds of loans -maybe at a later date you can get a better interest rate.

DH & I tried to conceive for about 7 yrs and I went through several cycles of IVF. The feeling of having no control over your life and the absolute fear of not having children can be overwhelming. Finally, we have been blessed with some success and I'm almost at 32 weeks of a healthy pregnancy.
I want to wish you the best of luck with your journey. You never know where life is going to take you.
Hang in there,
2ndtimer

[endo-freak]

Thanks again everyone for your encouraging words. I know you all mean well and I so appreciate your support.

I just feel hopeless and completely defeated. Plain and simple. Nothing anyone seems to say makes me feel any better. I know this isn't the end of the world, but for me it is. I feel like I have to mourn this loss. It's like something inside of me died yesterday, it is so hard to put into words. Everything my husband is saying is all the wrong things. I'm so mad at him for not knowing the right things to say. (Yes, I know he's trying and he's not in my head, but there are just some things he says that just shock me) I want to smack him so hard and then cry. You'd think I was pumped full of drugs for heavens sake! I'm completely irrational. I hate feeling like this. This infertility has consumed my/our lives for way too long and I just wanted it to end. And when I thought it was going to end, by us moving forward, well, it through me for a loop.

I wanted to be a mother years ago and now, who knows when it will happen. IF it'll ever happen. My life hasn't been an easy one and sometimes when things pile up and I keep pushing myself and telling myself I'll get through it, well, you know that just one more thing will knock you on your ass, well this knocked me on my ass.

I just need something to go my way right now. I'm not asking for too much, am I? I'm pathetic.

[SDtrying]

Endo-freak--- wow, just reading your posts, I can feel how angry, frustrated, and hopeless you are feeling. You've received a lot of really helpful advice from the ladies here, I particularly liked the post from 2ndtimer- it was very insightful.

I think what your are telling us all is that you aren't quite ready to sit down and map out solutions, you want to be angry and "morn" for a bit. THAT'S OKAY TOO. This is a great place to vent. Sometimes DH or our friends don't have the right things to say, sometimes nobody has the right thing to say.

I just wanted to offer you support and understanding- its not fair and I'm sorry for your pain. I hope things start to feel less hopeless soon. I haven't been around here that long, but I've been amazed with the stories of the women from the group. Its amazing to see how creative and resourceful women come become when they have too! Good luck to you.

[endo-freak]

Endo-freak--- wow, just reading your posts, I can feel how angry, frustrated, and hopeless you are feeling. You've received a lot of really helpful advice from the ladies here, I particularly liked the post from 2ndtimer- it was very insightful.

I think what your are telling us all is that you aren't quite ready to sit down and map out solutions, you want to be angry and "morn" for a bit. THAT'S OKAY TOO. This is a great place to vent. Sometimes DH or our friends don't have the right things to say, sometimes nobody has the right thing to say.

I just wanted to offer you support and understanding- its not fair and I'm sorry for your pain. I hope things start to feel less hopeless soon. I haven't been around here that long, but I've been amazed with the stories of the women from the group. Its amazing to see how creative and resourceful women come become when they have too! Good luck to you.

{{{Hugs}}}

Thank you for understanding. It's kind of funny (not the ha-ha kind of funny ) but I'm not so much angry about having the IVF or the cost of it so much as I am angry with my body for having the endo. If I didn't have this then we could keep trying on our own until we have saved up for the IVF cost. And maybe it would work. And even if it didn't, at least I could feel like we're trying and making headway even if I didn't conceive on our own. I'd feel like I was doing something productive to pass the time....

Again, thank you for letting me get this off of my chest. I know this much anger and pain isn't healthy to keep inside so I am eternally grateful to all of you for listening to my grief and not judging me for feeling the way I feel. I know this too shall pass, but unfortunately I have to go through it for it to pass. It would be nice if I could just do a hop, skip and a jump right over the crappy part.

Many {{hugs}} to all of you.