lost hope

[nancydrew]

This is the first time I am writing on an online chat group. I don't really know whom else to turn to...
My husband and I have been trying to concieve for the past 5 years. We have spent about $20 000 in the whole fertility process. I have tried to block out what I have gone through...two and half IVF's-we were about to go through the IVF procedure, but on the last day, my estogen was not at the right level; two frozen embryo transfers, sperm washings, etc, etc... not to mention the humiliating transvaginal ultrasounds-I don't want to even remember how many...
My husband has low sperm motility. I wasn't ovulating at the right time, but they gave me hormones to help this. I had endometriosis, but my fertility specialist said that wasn't the reason we couldn't conceive. It was because of the low sperm motility.
I had to travel very long distances to get to my doctor. I would arrive about 2 hours late to work. Thank goodness my boss was so understanding.
It's been a year now since we had the frozen embro transfer. Nothing has worked.
I have no libido and have no interest in sex anymore.
My periods are so painful!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't even move when I have cramps...
All of my siblings have children. In my neighborhood, I am surrounded by children all the time.
I had to take a year off to recuperate from all of my fertility treatments.
It has been so incredibly painful. I don't like to talk to my husband about this because it hurts him. He doesn't want to adopt because he feels he is too old...he's 40 and I am 36. Money is also an issue. There really is no hope.
Last week, I prayed to God and asked him that if he can not numb my pain, then take away my life so that I don't have to live with this pain everyday of my life.
I am trying to be more grateful for what I do have. But there is an emptiness, that I don't think I will ever be able to fill.
The fertility councellor I was seeing charges 100$/hr and I can't afford it. I feel so alone. I feel that I don't have any energy to fight this. It's like I am living the life of a dead person.

[belle-02]

nancydrew, your story really touched me. I am so, so sorry for all of the hardship that you have ben through.

I think that if you listen hard enough, God will tell you that your life is worth living and that he does have a plan for you. I know it's really hard to see that plan right now, I haven't even figured out my own plan...but I know it will be revealed to me eventually just as I know that yours will be revealed to you. It's just so tough because we want to see our plans right now and unfortunatley, that's just not the way it always works out. Just hang in there. And reach out to the women on these message boards and you'll see that you aren't alone in all of this. Every person on this message board can relate to some part of your what you're going through, you truly are not alone.

I would also recommend that you go back to the main message board and you will see a message topic called "Life After IVF". If that is truly where you are, you should reach out to these ladies too.

Take care.

[dixie_chop]

Have you thought about counseling? I really feel that you need to seek help in dealing with this issue. Some fertility centers offer this.

If you really feel like your sole purpose in life is to have children, why don't you look into adoption. There are hundreds of children out there that need homes. I don't know why your husband feels age is an issue, he would be the same age if you conceived naturally. Plus our life expectancy has changed over time and there are many woman having children in there 40's. Along with this if you go through the state or find an adoption on your own, its actually pretty affordable. Like less than $5k.

Eithor way. I know giving up on the idea of having children would be extremely painful. But aren't there other things that you live for? Don't you want to share a long loving life with your husband. Are there other things that you could do that you wouldn't have been able to with children? Like traveling.

Just some food for thought. But really I think you need to find someone to talk to. I know this is painful for your husband, but you guys are a team and you need to be able to talk to him as well.

[vicky1707]

I had counselling after my 2nd and 3rd failed IVF cycles and I found it really helpful. My DH came with me, even though it was for both of us, I felt I benefited more from it. Definitely worth a try speaking to someone.

x

[desperate]

Nancydrew,

Your situation sounds almost exactly like ours: we tried for a few years, she has endrimosis, the whole story. My wife has come to accept that we won't have children naturally, but I'm still having a hard time with it. I even sought counceling from one of my pastors and that seemed to help some, but you still can't help but have some emptiness. Everyone has suggested we adopt too, but to me there has to be something else. They all mention that as if we never thought of it ourselves. Sadly, my wife is in the early stages of paramenopause and this doesn't help either. Now, whenever she mentions it and I see other women pregnant I get so angry. Life can be so unfair sometimes and our situations are some of the examples. Believe me, you are not alone. I'm beginning to hate the whole idea of pregnancy now since it didn't happen for us. I don't know what to do now. Well, feel free to share more if you'd like. I'm there with you.

[ayannelli]

Nancydrew,
Not sure if you continue to follow replies to your post but I wanted to let you know that there are so many of us out here feeling many of the same emotions, wanting so many of the same things and we are here to listen.

It is hard when we want what we want and it is not happening. I truly believe that God does have a plan for each of us and that plans shows itself on God's time. I know this is a very frustrating answer but I truly believe this in my heart.

My family was blessed to care for a foster child for almost 2 1/2 years with discussions from family services that, if we endured, we would eventually be able to adopt this little wonderful boy. Unfortunately that was not to be; he was returned to a biological parent and we never received so much as a thank you from the bio mom for the care we provided. I was devastated and so depressed. My mom continued to tell me that God has a plan for each of us and we must find our strength to continue, even at the lowest of times.

This past June we were truly blessed by the birth of our daughter, conceived through IVF, our third IVF try. None of it was easy but I survived and feel blessed each and every day.

I don't know what God's plan might be for you and your family but it was be revealed to you, on God's time, and it will be good.

Look to your supports, friends, family. Think about the many things in your life that make you happy or made you happy in the past. It may be time to rediscover joys and activities that you haven't done in awhile.

I do believe you should follow up with a counselor. If your current counselor charges too much, you may have to seek another. Many charge on sliding scales or check your insurance, you may find one with a lower rate or co-pay. There is always hope.

I hope you are still out there, following posts, talking to people. Life is a journey, up hills and down and the downs can really seem to never stop sometimes.

Good luck and please feel free to continue to reach out to people. You will heal.

Amy

[elles]

hi nancydrew and all of you.

i just want to tell you all that i understand your pain . I battled with infertility for 10 long years and like you say i live in a cominity fill with chldren and to add it up i am an early childhood teacher.

Just to let you know also that IVf is not available in my country so i rellied only on prayers. It paid off and on 13th april 2008 i gave birth to a preciouse daughter . She is our little angel.

I know my story might hurt you more but i feel it is a way to let you know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and kerryl is the poof. I will think of you all in my prayer as now when i pray it is for you people out there.

So do not despaire, take care.
elles

[Leogirl]

nancydrew, I'm sure everyone on these message boards shares your pain and no one can take it away. Just know that the support you seek is here, you turned to the right place! I have no formal support where I live so I joined this online group just for that reason, to know there are like-minded woman and men sharing similar stories and emotional battles here; to feel less alone in my struggles. I understand that financial burdens of trying to concieve; we just hope we can save the money for ICSI and we also know if we can, that will be our last shot as the financial burden is too much. It's unfair that it is such a financial burden for those of us who don't just have kids as easiliy as others, and its unfair that in order to deal with the emotions that accompany these struggles can also be a financial burden! Have you tried writing your thoughts in a journal; reading uplifting books; any artistic ways to express your emotions like painting, drawing, dancing? I hope you find the strength to carry on, with our without children - for your significant other, your family, your friends! Take care of yourself nancydrew, my thoughts are with you:)

[mally]

Nancydrew,

I do not have much to say as the other contributors have said it all. You need to be strong and seek hope in what God did with Sarah, Rebeca, Hannah, and even what God has done for women like us on this board.

Sometimes God blesses women through adoption, they get their breakthrough after they have adopted a child.

My hubby is far older than your hubby, and I am presently 34 years, but we have gotten an approval to adopt, and the baby may be with us before the end of this year. I am not however given up on having my own, but i believe that God will see through my heart, and bless me with one from my womb to add to the adopted child.

Please stay calm and listen to God's direction, listen to that silent voice for direction.
Mally

[elizabethkfitzgerald]

There is hope for fertility problems, I know this from experience! Thanks to an army of doctors and researchers who won’t take “can’t” for an answer. Know your options, understand your particular situation, seek medical help, and most importantly- your prayers...

[sunshine and stars]

hi nancydrew--
Thank you for your courage in sharing. My husband and I were told that the chances of our adopting were practically none--because of our age difference and I was devastated because I had suffered a miscarriage and it seemed that there was very little hope. And both of my neighbors were pregnant; it seemed like the world was pregnant!

The best advice that I was given while living in this "dark time" was to try to expand my interests-- meaning, to do things that would enhance my marriage, my options (not just fertility), and the quality of my life. At first, I thought this was even more painful to hear and bear, but gradually I started to consider it. Even though money was tight, we found a counselor (for monthly visits), I journaled everyday (even if it was to scream on paper), we took a special trip together, I took a cheap class to keep me looking forward to something different, and I worked on making my marriage the best it could be. I also surrounded myself with examples of women who never conceived a child (either by choice or by circumstance) and reminded myself that they were living happy, successful lives without kids. I avoided baby showers with apologies to friends. Also, I found a safe place to work out my anger and frustration. My husband and I are pastors and it was really quite challenging to reconcile my understanding of a loving God and infertility. But expressing that anger (in a safe way) on paper and in prayer helped me not to implode completely.

I hope that this helps you in some way. Your feelings are completely understandable. And I truly believe that infertility is not the final chapter of your life.