Lost my daughter at 18 weeks.

[arrojulnic]

last wednesday 11/11/09 at 1:34 am i delivered my little girl at only 18 weeks. She was my little IVF miracle and I am devastated. The Dr. says I have an incompetent cervix.... My GOD how horrible to have a defective cervix of all things, I feel useless and Im afraid I failed my baby by not helping her to stay inside of me. Its been 13 days, she was cremated and I picked up her remains today. Today was a very sad day. Im filled with grief and since this is my first pregnancy Im also very afraid of trying again. Im still bleeding with light cramps after 13 days and am really worried that maybe it should have stopped by now? I had a D&C after the delivery to remove a stubborn placenta. My daughter was absolutely beautiful and healthy. Im sad and confused and dont know how to heal from this point on, I want to crawl into bed and stay there and really need to know if there is any hope for me to even try again?

[gi]

I am so sorry for your loss. No words can make you feel better but you are in my thoughts and prayers at such a difficult time, infertility itself is hard enough but then to go thro. a loss at such a late stage is devastating. Your precious little angel is watching over you

gi xxx

[arrojulnic]

Its so hard to find someone to talk to about this. Im glad we have this site. I feel like the people around me are expecting me to just "get over it and move on" they see it as 15 days gone by, for me the pain is as raw as if I lost her today, at this very moment. I cant just 'stop crying" I dont wanna be harsh with people I know they mean well, so Ive learned who its okay to cry in front of and who I should hide from. Ive learned to cry in the bathroom or in the shower when no one can see or hear me.Im am so horrrified by what has happened to my baby and to my body. I cant eat, I cant sleep and although I want to try again I am paralyzed by the fear of another miscarriage. I am tormented by the grief of giving birth to a perfect little girl. The only problem was with my useless cervix, I otherwise would have gone full term and delivered a healthy little girl. Instead I look at an Urn with my babies remains. Should I even bother trying again? Im gonna be 41 in June, IVF is so expensive and Im so afraid. Anyway thank you for your reply, having someone who understands is very comforting. I havent left my bedroom in 15 days except for dr appts. Im worried that this is really taking me down the wrong path and I really want to heal.

[fitzjr11]

I understand how u feel, we lost our twins at 12 wks, and the 3rd of our triplets at 14 wks- it is horrible! after a week and have began to leave the house, but have no desire to see my friends or do social events
they say time heals all pain- but i am having trouble believing that
i wish u luck, and 1 day at a time we wiill all get through this

[arrojulnic]

The pain is just inconceivable. Its been about 2 weeks now and I still haven't left the house. Im just devastated. So you say you lost a third of your triplets? Does that mean you still have a set of twins inside of you? Im praying for them, hold them in tight. Good luck Sorry to hear of your little one but there is still hope, right ? GOD is amazing, keep me updated.

[fitzjr11]

No- unfort we lost the twins @ veternans day and 2 wks later lost the last guy-- its been very hard, im going back to wk wed- we shall see how it goes

[gi]

hi girls,

My heart is breaking for both of ye, fitzjr11 we cycled together and its so sad we lost our little ones. My 1st m/c in may was tough and i didnt want to talk to people or go out as i felt life was moving on without me. This 2nd m/c i made myself leave the house the day after we found the baby had no heartbeat, forced my self to talk about it to those that really care about me and i found it much easier to deal with. In saying that there is still some dark days but i tell myself i can and will do this again (started bcps over wkend) for me personally the only way to move on again is to jump straight back into it, i loved been pregnant and want to be pg again (even though i am terrified). Mine was prob. easier as i was 10 wks and didnt go thro as much as ye.
I am getting the results of the tests done on the baby next wk i hope its clear and just one of those things.
You both are in my thoughts and prayers, i would love to say time is a healer but i wont as i dont know if you can totally forget the pain.

gi xxx

[esperanza]

Dears Fintz and Arrojulnic,

First of all, I'm so terribly sorry for your losses. The pain cannot be compared to anything. I loss a little one too and the wound is not as fresh after 3+ years, but the scar is there, and it will always be there in my heart and memory.

Let me just tell you that you are doing what you need to do right now: mourn/grief. It's ok. Please don't be hard on yourselves. Cry, cry, cry. Stay in bed if that's what you feel like it. 2 weeks is nothing, it's just too fresh for you to "be ok" with it, you will be better, but not just yet. Take it easy on yourselves and grief your little precious ones. Stay present in your pain, then make decisions later.

ARROJULNIC, I believe that the bleeding and pain are normal, even after 13 days. I bled for a long time after my miscarriage, and then I bled for weeks after I had my daughter. The cramps is your uterus going back to its normal size. Also, if your issue is your cervix, they can just do that procedure (sorry I forget the name right now) where they close it early in the pregnancy next time.

Love to you both.

[arrojulnic]

Dear Esperanza and Gi;
Thank you for your reply's. Being able to speak to someone who has been there and has made it through is a big help. I went to the Dr today and he says Im healing very well. That is positive news and gives me lots of hope. I especially believe that as soon as my body feels better my heart and soul will too. So Im trying to hang in there. Its been 3 weeks today and the pain is still so RAW. I can still feel the horrible sensation of her little body leaving mine and it tortures me, and makes it all so real again. I wish we all lived near oneanother and could sit in a park and talk face to face. This is so therapeutic and sometimes I think some of you ladies are better equipped to help me heal than the professionals. My biggest fear is the loss of time since Im already 40 years old and will be 41 in June. Im terrified that time will pass me by while I wait to heal and start all over again, I remain optimistic. I think of you ladies everyday, even though I dont come very often. I pray for you all to get the little babies you long for. Keep in touch. Hugs. Jules

[souris]

Jules,

I feel your pain, as I gave birth to my triplets Eva, Louis and Michel on the 5th of November, nearly a month ago at only 21 weeks.

They were my miracle babies, after 7 IVF ICSI and 2 miscarriages.

They were in perfect health, but as you, my cervix started to open too early... Like you, I feel that my body failed me, and that I failed my babies.

Did you give a name to your little girl?

Although I cannot imagine my life without children, I cannot face another cycle. We do have 4 frozen embryos , but I am so scared to try again. I have not seen the doctor since I gave birth, and I dont even know if i will be able to ever carry a pregnancy full term...

Some days seems easier than others, but I think of them every day, I look at their picture, so small like little dolls. I miss them more than I ever could have imagine. Like you Jules, I try not to cry in front of some people, but when I am alone in my shower, that's when the tears starts.

I feel for you all, who miscarried or lost a child, and although our babies should be with us, I do hope that they are in a warm palace.

Gi, I wanted to thank you for your email on an other post, I never replied it was too hard, only today I can come back on this forum...

love to all
xx

[arrojulnic]

Dear Souris
Im so sorry to hear of your triplets. Our wounds are still too fresh to make any hard decisions. I know your'e afraid but so am I. Wait until your body and your heart heal, maybe then you will find the strength to try again. Im terrified of another m/c, so many women here have had 2 or 3 and are still so courageous. We can keep in touch and keep sharing our feelings with eachother and maybe we can get through this. Just hang in there, and I guess me telling you to hang in there is helping me to be strong too.
Be sure to go to the Dr. at least to be sure you are okay and that your body is healing properly, you don't need to make any decisions about trying again yet. But, maybe hearing from your Dr. that things are okay will settle your mind and soul a little.
I named my gorgeous daughter Ariana. She was so pretty, I was just amazed at how perfect she already was at only 18 weeks, and she was gonna be a big girl, so precious. I had her cremated and I get to look at that tiny urn everyday and remembering her is bittersweet, its part of my healing.
Keep in touch please, talking to someone who knows EXACTLY what I'm going through is comforting and healing. You and your tiny angels are in my thoughts.

[gi]

Hi souris, i think of you regularly as i do Rosario and now arruojulic and now one of my cycle buddies fitzjr lost her triplets. It is such as sad time and my heart breaks for what ye have been thro. To actually go so far and then give birth is incomprehendable (sp?) and i cant imagine the horror of what you have been thro. I will admit i am thankful that i lost at 10 wks as the pain is only a fraction of what ye poor girls experienced, i dont think i could have handled more all i have as a reminder is its scan at 10 wks (little perfect but lifeless body) and i still cant look at it. I am in the middle of lots of tests at the moment to see why i am losing but i have found the courage to go again - been pregnant twice has made me want it more but then again as i said i didnt experience what ye did. I really hope you find the courage in the future to try again in the meantime take care of yourself and dh and if you need to chat or just rant and rave i am here xxxx

arrojulnic little Ariana sounds like she was such a pretty little girl, may she rest in peace and may you and dh find peace. I am in tears just thinking of that little urn it breaks my heart (and i dont even know you) to think of what you are going thro. Its heartbreaking and i will say a prayer that you too will find the courage to go again.

Thinking of ye girls always,

gi xxxx

[shikha goel]

I am so sorry for your loss. No words can make you feel better but you are in my thoughts and prayers at such a difficult time, infertility itself is hard enough but then to go thro. a loss at such a late stage is devastating. Your precious little angel is watching over you

gi xxx

i had same situations with a baby boy and lost it in july 2009 it took great deal of time in getting healed up butb positive i m again taking ivf treatment right noow result god knows...

[souris]

Hello Girls

Shikha, it is so sad to welcome you here, sorry for the loss of your little baby boy.
Hoping that this cycle will work for you. when is your test date?

Gi, after my 1st miscarriage I thought I could never face another miscarriage again. Unfortunately I had to face it, it was hard, painful, unfair, but I had no choice. And now I have to deal with the loss of my babies, I thought I was going to die, but here I am.
We have no other choice but let time heal our wounds.
The loss of a baby, at 10 weeks or 20 is a terrible thing, and I feel your pain. I hope the tests will come back ok, it might just have been bad luck like me twice. Although this pregnancy did not end well for me or my babies, I did got pregnant with 3 healthy babies after 2 unexplained miscarriages, so there is hope for you!
I also want to try again of course, but I am so scared...

I gave birth to my little babies 1 month ago today. It s has been a strange month, it went so fast, blurry.
I miss feeling my babies moving inside me, and I have difficulties accepting my flat belly.

We also have a little urn with our babies ashes. They were cremated together, naked because they were too small to be dressed but I did put in the coffin 3 little hats that I knitted with my sister and a letter for my children.
For the moment the urn is in my "baby box" with the scan of my other pregnancies, but when the weather will be better, DH and I will plant a tree in our garden and burry our baby box and the urn at its roots.

I would never have imagined my life to turn out this way, 3 pregnancies and 5 little angels.
Did we do something to deserve this??

love to all
xxx

[gi]

souris, you are such a brave lady going thro. so many losses but i know what you mean about having no choice cause if we dont do ivf we will never have children such a vicious circle but when we finally hold our baby in our arms we will know it will be worth the pain (or at least make it bearable). Its only a month gone for you but prob. feels like yesterday, you will feel a baby move in your belly again. Thanks for asking for me apparantly the doctors do want something to show up in the tests so they have something to treat so we will see.

Shikha souris is right its sad to welcome you hear i hope you are doing ok, and fingers crossed this time you will get your precious little baby xx

gi xxx