Loss...Miscarriage vs. IVF failures, need your opinions.

[sweetm27]

Hi ladies,

Need your opinions.

Last year I went through several failed IUIs & IVFs. It was devastating to say the least and my friends were well aware of this.

One girlfriend had a few miscarriages some time before and when I asked her what she could use she told me a girls night out. I took her out every time she miscarried.

Yet when I had my failed IVFs I was never taken out for a cup of coffee and some companionship.

Another friend had a miscarriage recently and I expressed my condolences to her and said I understood her loss.

She was actually a little miffed at me and said that she didn't like the comparison and said you cannot compare losing a pregnancy to never having one in the first place.

I said to her that I wasn't looking to compare by any means. I was simply saying I understood her loss and the pain that went with it.

She was adamant that it was not the same thing b/c my loss wasn't 'tangible'.

I realize now that a lot of my family and friends view this the same way though she was the first to admit it. They don't understand why I mourned something that never was...but how can you explain IVF to someone who has never been involved?

Unless they experienced it themselves they have nooooo idea what a painful emotional roller-coaster it is, how involved you get emotionally physically (not to mention financially).

Honestly I always thought loss is loss. Everyone's pain is unique. I would never tell anyone that their pain is any less significant.

I was a little stunned by this...am I wrong to be?

Has anyone ever experienced a reaction like this?

[kellym]

Wow - I am so sorry that you are getting that reaction. That must be incredibly hurtful that you aren't feeling supported by your friends and family. And I hope that your friend who is lashing out at you is doing so without thinking because she is so upset.

But I agree wtih you, people who haven't gone through IVF don't truly understand what we live through. And it sounds like they don't 'get' your struggle. I am not sure there is anything you can say to them to convince them that you are living through a horrible experience because they seem to think it is less painful than their experience.

And as you said, isn't pain painful no matter what the cause - a miscarriage or the inability to conceive. At the end of the day the goal is the same (to have a baby) and the result is the same (there is no baby). To me it is the same.

I guess one way to explain to your friend that your loss is tangible. is to explain the process - but maybe it isn't worth it since she doesn't seem to want to understand what you are going through. Throughout the whole IVF process you are given numbers of follicles, eggs, embryos, etc. The embryos are essentially the first stage of conception. They are just helped to get there instead of it happening in your body. Then those embryos are transferred. When you find out that you aren't pregnant it is tangible because those embryos which in some people become babies, didn't work in your case. Just because your friend got the positive sign on a pregnancy test doesn't mean that your embryos were any less significant to you - they were what might have been.

I could go on and on but just know that we are here to support you because we all understand. You can see from my signature that I lived through many many attempts (11, although 2 were cancelled, so it was 9 full attempts) and did finally get the joy of being (and staying) pregnant. There is hope and light at the end of the tunnel.

Take care!
Kelly

[sweetm27]

thank you Kelly for your kind words and support...I wish you all the best in your journey too.

[gi]

sweetm27 how unkind of your friends to say that. Someone said something similar to me a couple of years ago when i got a bfn the same time as a friend m/c. I mourn the loss of all my embroys whether they have implanted or not and having gone thro. 2 m/c recently they were as devastating as getting that negative sign on the pregnancy test. Actually when i think back it took me longer to recover mentally from a negative because when i finally got that magical positve i knew i could do it. Its true what they say unless you go thro. ivf you cant understand what an emotional rollercoaster it is and its fantastic that there is support here. Ignore them nasty comments you dont need it.

[not hopeless yet]

I agree with your feelings 100%! I was shocked that a friend would say that your loss wasn't tangible... people are clueless as to what we go through with IVF and the emotional, physical journey it is. It takes a toll on our mind, body, marriage, and bank acct.

I, too, have consoled friends who've had miscarriages and yet I'm on my own with failed IUI's and IVFs. Also, I feel like I"ve lost friend's who've had babies. I used to think my infertility was just a "bump in the road" and I can hang out with my friends and their babies because soon enough I'd have my own and we'd look back on the 5 years of trying as just that, a time in our life that we can put behind us after we have success. But when friends who weren't even engaged, get engaged, get married, and get pregnant before me I can't help but feel bitter and jealeous. For many I tried to stay strong and support them, hear every detail about their preg and doctor visits. See their nurseries and attend baby showers. But after I attended one shower and nearly broke down in tears I decided I shouldn't torture myself anymore.

Also, when visiting friends with babies I feel like we don't have much in common anymore which is sad to feel distant from friends because i'm dealing with infertility. But I have to do what's best for my mental health and my friends aren't very supportive of my journey (or atleast they don't talk to me about it)

Sorry if I sound negative but I know what you're going through.