Question about Loss-Miscarriage vs. IVF failures

[sweetm27]

Hi ladies,

Need your opinions.

Last year I went through several failed IUIs & IVFs. It was devastating to say the least and my friends were well aware of this.

One girlfriend had a few miscarriages some time before and when I asked her what she could use she told me a girls night out. I took her out every time she miscarried.

Yet when I had my failed IVFs I was never taken out for a cup of coffee and some companionship.

Another friend had a miscarriage recently and I expressed my condolences to her and said I understood her loss.

She was actually a little miffed at me and said that she didn't like the comparison and said you cannot compare losing a pregnancy to never having one in the first place.

I said to her that I wasn't looking to compare by any means. I was simply saying I understood her loss and the pain that went with it.

She was adamant that it was not the same thing b/c my loss wasn't 'tangible'.

I realize now that a lot of my family and friends view this the same way though she was the first to admit it. They don't understand why I mourned something that never was...but how can you explain IVF to someone who has never been involved?

Unless they experienced it themselves they have nooooo idea what a painful emotional roller-coaster it is, how involved you get emotionally physically (not to mention financially).

Honestly I always thought loss is loss. Everyone's pain is unique. I would never tell anyone that their pain is any less significant.

I was a little stunned by this...am I wrong to be?

Has anyone ever experienced a reaction like this?

[Sara30]

Hi Sweet

You have said it when you say no one can understand IVF unless they have been through it themselves.

Loss is a loss regardless of when you suffered the loss, when we are waiting in our 2ww we are still dreaming of the baby the embryo will become regardless of whether we are not technically pregnant or not, it is still an embryo that has been implanted that could grow to be a baby, to me that is a loss.

Not even getting as far as a 2ww is still a loss as you are mourning what could have been, sadly some people cannot grasp this concept and cannot for one minute understand the pain of wanting a child so desparately that we would put ourselves thorugh so much pain and strain to achieve our little miracles.

I am so sorry you have experienced this from your friends and family, who you would hope to give you the support you need. Sadly I think the reaction is quite common although our friends and family may not always tell us.

The mourning of something that never was goes on forever when the something that never was never comes, I am never going to have my own birth child and though I have accepted it I will always mourn it, only people who have gone though IVF and failed many times can understand truly the pain you then carry with you.

I wish you all the luck in the world with whatever you decide to do in the future and remember there are always ladies on this forum and sometimes men!! who can understand where you are coming from, it has been my lifeline at times.

Take care xx

[sweetm27]

thank you, I needed to hear that. I feel much better...I never felt much support from my friends and family and I will work through that eventually and thankfully my husband has been amazing. I love him even more...
but it is nice to have a community like this were you can connect with people have had similiar stories & experiences.
Thanks again.

[ogr1]

i have mourned
for what will not be

[loulou123]

Hi have just read your post and felt I had to reply.

Anyone who has done IUI OR IVF will know that even if you don't fall pregnant it is the hardest thing ever to do.

I have had 5 attempts of IVF three failed cycles and my other two attempts lost the baby's. ( triplets on last attempt ).

What makes me angry is when people comment on things they have not been through. Dont take any notice of what people think you have every right to feel the way you do.x

[jenice]

Sweetm27 - I've lost 3 pregnancies and 2 cancelled and one failed IVF cycle. I was EXTREMELY DEVASTATED after my failed IVF cycle, as far as I see it a loss is a loss. we had babies inside us maybe they didn't stick but they were there. Your girlfriends are being really selfish and just plain ignorant. After my failed IVF cycle , someone said to me " Sorry about that failed thing " like as if it was nothing !!!! They don't understand all that we go through, we aren't lucky just to conceive like them the "EASY" WAY. I unfortunately have traveled both roads of infertility and it is devastating and dissapointing either way, they are not you and don't know how you feel. I would make it a point to tell your friends that your feelings were hurt by their ignorance !!!!!

[jenice]

Sweetm27- I wrote a poem about IVF


WELCOME TO THE LAND OF IVF

Tons of needles
Bruises galore
Can I take much more ?
Scattered hopes
And shattered dreams
Of a baby I have never seen
Will this ever end ?
Stim cycle, down cycle
Cancelled cycle, failed cycle
Please God, give me strength
As the tears roll down my face
And sting my skin
Only to know I have to
Do this all over again..........


Show this to your friends, maybe it might help

[Hope644]

I know this post is a bit late at this point, but I had to chime in.

Having had both a failed IVF cycle and then a miscarriage, I feel like I CAN compare the two - and they are BOTH LOSS.

I actually think I took the failed cycle worse than the miscarriage, as it came first, but both were probably equally devistating though they were different, in that the processes afterwards were different.

Before I began my IVF journey in 2007, I don't know at what point I would say that life begins... I had thought that if I had remaining frozen embies, I would easily donate them to research. My feelings on this have changed quite dramatically and I now have 5 snowbabies which I would never donate to research or allow to thaw an arrest - These ARE my children - at the point of conception - they are my children. Whether or not they have had an opportunity to attach to my uterus and grow for any amount of time does not matter.

Once you concieved your embies, they were your children. When you received a BFN, you found out that you had lost them. Would your friend say that her miscarriage is less of a loss than a baby lost nearer to term than hers? Probably not.

This is one of the reasons that I have recently become more open regarding my IVF journey. Unfortunately, I think that miscarriage is a terrible thing that most women suffer through alone - many men and women who have not experienced it do not understand - especially when miscarriage is early in pregnancy... they expect you to get over it and move on as if you never had a loss. IVF loss is even more a hidden, secret struggle that many women suffer through even more alone - it saddens me that a woman who has experienced any loss can judge another woman for hers... regardless of her understanding about it.

I'm sorry that your friend(s) feel this way... but they are ignorant and misinformed. Please know that there are many women out there (out here!) who feel your pain and understand your hurting. Praying for comfort and peace for you, dear.

hugs.

[Alette]

I just want to give you a big hug.

comparisation is misplaced.
every dream you dream and lost is just lost.

you meant right
just a big hug.

I feel the same

[cillile]

I don't think that I think of the embryos that didn't implant as my children. I don't feel I lost all those babies. My goodness that would be overwhelmingly devestating. But I do feel really upset that the IVF failures have ended a dream. Obviously it was sad each time for the failure itself. Our bub wasn't on it's way after all but also each time was potentially the last time; we had to find the money, reassess if there was any real chance of success.

The loss of the dream hurts and that is all I know. It particularly hurts because now I cannot try again and I know that if I had more money, and had not dug myself a ditch (read lost it so badly on the last failure), I might still be on the road which could have lead to a bub with all the fun and craziness that would have provided and that she/he might have been a lifetime companion for my DD.

[beth_brown]

I can totally relate to you! Its the end of dreams and happiness. But I really want to have my kids and have been looking at various options. I am trying at BioTexCom and I am comfortable with them. Hopeful that something positive comes out!