Surrounded by other pregnant women

[Waitingkay]

Hi!
I introduced myself earlier today. I am ending my second chemical pregnancy now and hope to be able to start a new cycle soon. RE has told us the reason we have chemical pregnancies is that there's something wrong with the sperms so that the embryos stop developing after the very first stage of implantation. I don't know how they're gonna try and solve this, I am frustrated at having to start hormones all over again. RE told us this time they'll transfer 3 embryos on our fresh transfer, because the last time we had fresh with two embies transferred and frozen with one transferred (the one and only that has survived thawing) both ended in chemical pregnancies
It's a silly thing but hard nonetheless...just yesterday my sister in law gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She's 9 years younger and they conceived immediately! It's silly, yet it feels so unfair, difficult for us to be happy and smiling on the outside. Gonna be difficult to be with them today. Any thoughts of wisdom?

[leorira11]

I wish I had words of wisdom.... but I don't.

2 different women asked me for advice on TTC in June (before they had even tried just unprotected sex! - super insenstive, but they didn't see that). Both got pregnant the FIRST MONTH THEY TRIED and are due in March. I had my 4th IVF in July and was due in April, but miscarried at 10 weeks. How the heck is that fair?

3 people at work are pregnant. I'm going to have to pull extra shifts when they go on maternity leave - but *I* should be the one on maternity leave too....

Join us on the "Winter Board" - lots of lovely ladies who understand this stuff...

[CT_Michele]

I never use to find it hard to be around other pregnant ladies. I did my first round of ivf and is was successful and I thought to myself, "Ok, so what? No big deal, I just have to get pregnant a different/harder way than they do." Then I had a failed fresh attempt and a chemical with an FET trying to conceive our second child. We exhausted all money we had and had to pay large loans for 18 months. It was devastating hard and I started finding it harder to see and be around people who are pregnant. Especially people younger than me who weren't even trying to get preggers.

Now almost everyone I know is pregnant. I am not just saying that. Sister-in-law #1 is due in 2 weeks. Sister-in-law #2 is due in May and stepsister is due in July. every girl in my family is currently pregnant except for me. At christmas, pictures were taken of all the pregnant girls with hearts on their bellies, and they even took a picture of all the "sperm donors" together. How insensitive. I peeked my head in the room and asked when they were done if dh and I could get in a picture too. All of the girls are talking with each other about how close their kids are going to be in age and how cool it will be to share milestones together. Onbe of them made a comment to me (not trying to be hurtful) that Ella was going to be the Angelina of the group (the annoying older one on the rugrats).

I am extremely happy for all of them. Over the moon that I will be an aunt for the first, second and third time in the next 5 months. Bursting with excitement that my daughter will have 3 cousins to play with soon. Does it make it any easier? Not one iota. It has just made me want to cycle even faster so I can join the club. Do I have any words of wisdom? Not really. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I guess the only thing I can say is to come and vent here. If you vent to anyone who does not truly understand your situation, you will come off looking like a jerk and jealous of someone else's happiness.

[Waitingkay]

Michele,
Thank you so much for everything you wrote. your way of looking at things is by far more mature than the narrow shadowy hole I push myself into.
It's so true what you say about venting to the understanding people, cause though I have wonderful friends, this business is complex and has issues in it other people can't relate to. I so relate to your Xmas story. Whenever we went to these family gatherings my (well basically she's married to my DH's brother, so she's like a step sister in law?) was sitting and tenderly caressing her growing belly, passing round the table u/s pickies. It sounds incredibly picturesque to anybody not suspecting the efforts involved in trying to have just that one first baby..every blood test every RE visit, every day that goes by...surely we'll be happy with this little newly born girl, and in a way I'm happy she's the first grandchild on both sides of her family; she'll have attention galore and by the time I'll be a fresh mom I'll have peace and quiet. It makes me happy to think how ours will be OUR first and just how very special that would feel.
I also understand the change you went from thinking at first this wasn't so bad cause you got lucky and got Ella rather fast..I hope very soon you'll be able to give her a sibling or two.
I now realize that because my Hcg numbers now dropped and AF arrived, I'll have to begin the antagonist cycle within two weeks. And only by the end of February will we have another go of retrieval and et! Plenty of time to vent...I wonder - how do other people experience making their DHs feel better when it's a male factor? I wanna make him feel good and secure, but evil me wanna preserve the right to complain every now and again ! After all, last cycle I swell enormously. If I'm being really bitchy, we girls get all the lousy affects of pregnancy (swelling bellies, hormonal mood swings, changing appetite) yet the belly has no baby! Ingenious. I'll do my best to cheer up, and wish the same to you all.

[summit]

waitingkay,

Know that your emotions are completely normal. It is hard not to be jealous of those around us who are so easily able to get pregnant, but don't let it get the best of you. The thing that makes it hard is that we are at the age when our friends, family, and co-workers are also starting families as well so there are lots people in our lives who are also pregnant. My best friend stopped taking the pill while I was doing my first IVF cycle and she got pregnant that month and I got a BFN... talk about bittersweet emotions. Yes, we can't avoid the world of pregnant women, but we can choose how we want to cope. Having negative attitudes towards others does us more harm than help (trust me). You will find that there are lots of women on this forum who know exactly what you are going through and have lots of great advice. This is the one place where everyone truly understands.

I wish you well,

[Sunshine1576]

Very true, I can relate to how you feel...My SIL and I were exactly one week apart, I naturally miscarried while she went through IVF and had success on the 1st attempt. The timing couldn't be more perfect! Her son was born 45 minutes before Thanksgiving Day which would of been my mom's and her mom's birthday. (Both gmas would be so proud.) But serioulsy,I took it pretty well, probably b/c we live in different states?

But my point is Baby Will was only 4 wks old when we all were planning on coming home for Christmas. I almost backed out on coming home, thought it would be way too emotional. But I didn't since I knew I would miss out and probably feel guilty later on. As we were driving home my brother calls and says they're not going to be able to make it afterall. I asked but what happened? It was then I find out the doctor recommended that since Baby Will had not had any shots yet, it wouldn't be good to be around all the other people. I know this sounds selfish, but at that moment I was kind of relieved. I knew I wouldn't have to deal with all the emotions....Well now looking back, maybe my dh was more relieved than me? But we have to try to be on good behavior around them when we do get together, because someday it's going to be our turn.
Sunshine1576

[Waitingkay]

What done is done...
We went to the hospital and saw her. She is a sweet yellow blond calm baby. She has tiny pink gloves and parents are to leave these gloves on for an entire month since it isn't allowed to cut her fingernails short yet and without the gloves she'd scratch herself. I saw my DH standing there behind me, felt like suddenly there was something HUGE separating him from his younger brother.
Summit and Sunshine, you're both so right - I'm only going to punish myself if I choose to be bitter and resentful and even just occupy myself too much thinking of other people's baby fortune. It is a downer though all my DH's family lives close by, so it was forced upon us. My DH asked me if I'd rather stay home and say I wasn't feeling well - but like you Sunshine, I chose to go ahead and just do it. In our case, since the location was the hospital, family kinda cornered the new baby so there was no escape such as having to stay home cause of the shots. I think we coped really well and would've even better if it wasn't for the pitying glares we got from my MIL along some gurgling voices she produced when she so us

[brit1612]

I'm sorry for your losses. We went through three miscarriages before finally having our little boy! Your feelings are completely normal. I think we have all experienced them before. Just realize that one day that will be you making the announcement and it will all be worth it!


http://infertilitysuccessstories.blogspot.com/

[riogirl71]

Waiting Kay, we also have male infertility. My Dh had cancer in 1999 and the chemo he got was so aggressive, he had stage 4, that it killed his motility, morphology and numbers. He had a daugther before his cancer with his evil ex. So I am very resentful that his ex who is a terrible person got pregnant so easily while I had to go through so much to get pregnant. It is impossible for us not to be hurt by how easy other people get pregnant. I have always tried to see this as a "WE" can't conceive thing, if you see it as "HE" or "SHE" can't conceive than it is easy to get resentful. Yes it is not fair that they can't just give guys a super sperm pill and get us off the hook. We have to do it all whether we have fertility issues or not. I also focus on the fact that I am happy I found my soulmate and some people spend their whole lives and don't find someone. So if IVF is the price for a lifetime of happiness with the man I love, I try to accept it. I think men feel things differently, even though my DH doesn't say much, I know he feels terrible I have to go through so much. A co-worker came by not long ago to say she had an oops and didn't even want to get pregnant, I had to close my door and cry.

I wish you the best and there is a thread here about IMSI, maybe that will help? I also gave my DH vitamins and COQ10 and his numbers got much better!

Good luck!

[Sugar70]

Thanks for the great share!!

[Waitingkay]

Hi Riogirl!
This is truly a courageous story that you two have. I am happy for your DH to have found a woman that loves him so much and that would do anything to have a family with him after the disease. It is funny how it SEEMS precisely evil people get it easier, also unfortunately when it comes to having children of their own. When my DH and I found out about the morphology issue, it instantaneously made me feel an even stronger (if possible) connection with him. It all became so much clearer - I loved him too much from the very beginning, but in a way when we found this out it won over my everlasting (and older than me knowing him) wish to have my own children some day. When I shared this in a few words with a friend who's a strong believer, she said God gives hard nuts to people who can crack them. I don't know if I'd define it the same way but the only fine aspect of our hardship of having a child is that it sharpened even more our feelings and made me show him even more how much I am first of all thankful for being exactly with him, not just having found a life partner. A lot like what you are describing. I sometimes think it is hardest to know that my DH blames himself, and at the same time as I earlier mentioned, preserve the right to nag and complain like when I hyper stimulated... About your DH's evil ex you know, my advice is the same one other people that love me give to me. Unfortunately she is involved and will continue to be involved in your lives because of your DH's daughter. The only way to deal with it is to never give in to whatever "games" she 's playing, just be your best version of yourself - so at the end of the day you have nothing to regret and my belief is that it does eventually pay forward...All this preached, dear Riogirl - I need this exact lecture for myself. I complained to my mom about how when I'd go to the hospital and congratulate the newly baked parents (my DH's younger brother and his wife who's younger than me in 9 years and ended up pregnant on their honeymoon against his will) they'd look at me with this glare of "Like she means it, alright, we know what she's going through with the treatments". My mom said I should truly just represent myself best, say what I think is right to say - regardless of how I think they'd react or look at me. And so I did at the hospital. Another thing I can add is that in these situations it helps not to look for these annoying things you "expect to find". It's like, when I choose not to see annoying things, I guess the annoying things will still be there just maybe won't bother me so much, I'll be the stronger version of me XO

[riogirl71]

Waiting Kay - very well said! The other thing I forgot to say is that when you do have your child, you will be an incredible mom. Going through so much to have a child puts things in perspective and you will be amazed at how much patience and love you have. I truly believe that in general, IVF moms are better moms because to us they are truly miracles and not ooopses!

[jenice]

Waiting Kay - It is completely normal to feel this way. I struggled to have my first had 2 tubal pregnancies then had my DD. Second time around I hoped would be better trying, how I was soooo wrong. I had to do IVF several times only to have another pregnancy loss.I have had several surgeries and numerous procedures all to have children.I am happy to say I am 8 months along now I will never forget many times and tears along the way of going to family functions and showers, I didn't think I could deal with. Sensitive people know the pain and sacrifice you have to endure in just showing up. Unfortunately there are alot of self absorbed people who have no clue. It still bothers me to hear of the " OOPS " people I call them. I know someone that just had ANOTHER " OOPS" and here I am stabbing needles in my ass for the last 3 years. I sometimes question what is to be learned but will never know. I do know that having a child and pregnant with another, that I still struggle with infertility and it will always be a part of me.I wish my journey to motherhood would have been easier but in the end it was worth every needle stick. Best of luck to you and DH

[angelaezra]

WaitingKay – I am sorry for your chemical pregnancies. I don’t have any advice for how they are going to solve your DH’s sperm problem but I do have so much experience with having to grin and bear it. I have watched so many friends and family members conceive with no problem, while my DH and I have lost multiple children over the last 10 ½ years. I thought that I would never be a mommy to a live child, especially after having to deliver my stillborn daughter in 2009. I thought that was my only chance but God had something else in store for me that I just couldn’t see at the time because of my grief. My best advice is to not give up because you never know what life has in store for you in the future and then you too will be helping someone else through their grief because they think it will never happen for them either. I am living proof … just take a look at my signature.

Angela

[Waitingkay]

Hi all,

Brit1612 - Thanks a lot! It does give me a lot of hope to hear your story. You got it right...the announcing thing is something I truly fantasize about. After reading your post I rang my DH, disturbed him at work and in a most childish manner said that in the case we succeeded in having twins (since next transfer after IMSI they plan to transfer 3) I'll be baking a cake with two baby figures on it and we'll just let people figure it out on a family dinner. I love baking and this was just me fantasizing..but you inspired me:)
riogirl71 - I hope you're right and I'll make a good mom. I can get pretty feisty at times (a real red head), and patience isn't my strongest quality. Maybe indeed this IS a trial for me.
Jenice -

I sometimes question what is to be learned but will never know.

You are sooooo putting words to how we're feeling. I showed what you wrote to DH last night and you made us both feel better. Am so endlessly happy you got to be a mom and that you are now 8 months pregnant! Looking forward to hearing how it goes and your joy is really our joy, we know exactly what you've been through.
angelaezra - I do need living proofs such as yourself. Thank you so much. Was sad to hear what you've been through, I think you must be tremendously strong. I am very happy to hear you were eventually blessed. I feel slightly more optimistic after consulting an expert Monday eve. who told us that we WILL get pregnant, that this problem CAN be solved and it was only a matter of time. He also reassured us that our RE is good with IMSI. He was concerned though about the plan to transfer 3 fresh (!!!) since until now both trials, fresh and FET did implant even if they turned out chemical. Now my DH wants to transfer only 2 but anyhow, we are totally ahead of ourselves. We'll only have retrieval and transfer late February, and I can only hope that we get lucky enough with many embies. There are now plenty of pics of my DH's new niece all over FB. She's one gorgeous baby, yet I'm so ashamed to admit having my morning coffee watching these photos made it difficult for me. This baby is now surrounded with the same people that should have surrounded our children. She's the first granddaughter like our embies would have. Ouuuuutch. I lost my dad 3 years ago, and now i sat and watched my FIL whom I adore hold this little baby and I so wish her happiness but ouuuuutch.