Hanging in there!

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Fri Sep 05, 2003 5:34 pm

Hello all. I haven't been posting recently but just wanted to say thanks for your ongoing good will messages. I have been reading your threads - it may be a weird thing to say but.... I am so glad there are more people posting on this board now (not that I want anyone to HAVE to be on THIS SIDE) but when I first posted in August it seemed a lonely site! It seems everyone is doing a sterling job given their situations and I have found huge comfort and motivation in all your 'stories' I am still off work - but I am at last working towards a return - I can't believe I have been off for nearly 6 months now - I am so worried about going back - I’m still very tearful - but it feels like the right thing now. I am trying to go out more, been shopping - for my 4 year old nieces birthday present no less - it ripped my heart out looking at toys and little girls clothes - but I did it. I also went home for the first time since the cycle failed - it was Dads birthday - so we went out for dinner (another first!) and it was lovely. I found it exhausting being with my niece all weekend - usually I see her once a month - but it had been 3 months since I last saw her - so she wouldn't let me out of her sight - not for a minute!! I absolutely adore her, and I love the time I spend with her - but God it was hard this time. I let it slip to my mum that I found it difficult and she was horrified - she wasn't judging me - she was just instinctively worried and upset - I know she would hate anything to come between my sister and me. And of course that’s not what I meant, I felt so misunderstood, and that made me angry, but luckily I just changed the conversation - and cried when I got home instead!!! I know from reading other girls posts that it’s not uncommon - so I am not going to add it to my list of 'reasons why I am a failure' or the "reasons why I should beat myself up"!!! DH and I are going on holiday at last next week - back to my beloved Scotland - I can't wait, I can smell the rain already!!! Anyway I just wanted to 'talk' to you guys - and let you know - I am still hanging in there!! Love to you all, especially you Jo, Becky, Suzanne, Alison and Grace. Thinking of you all. Lorraine. xxxxxx

suzanne · Post by **suzanne** » Fri Sep 05, 2003 5:55 pm

Hi Lorraine, glad to hear from you. I think your right about getting yourself back into work, it can be a lifesaver in terms of taking your mind off your troubles and just making you feel like a 'normal' person again. At the same time though don't rush back until you're ready. Try not to worry about the situation with your mum....because they're mad you know! They always mean well, but sometimes end up saying exactly the wrong thing and leaving you feeling upset. My mom used to say it was a pity that my sister in law wouldn't carry a baby for me (not that she's been asked, or that I wanted her to). It made me feel absolutely useless and that SIL was some super fertile wonder woman in my moms eyes! We're just super sensitive at times like this though. I hope you and your DH have an absolutely great holiday, it's probably just what you both need right now. Take care, Suzanne.x

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Sat Sep 06, 2003 1:06 am

glad to here about work.. sorry to here about your niece. and most people even loved ones alot tof the sometimes dont understand. people can and do say the stupidest things. i dont know how many times someone would ask me if there was anything that i wanted .. ummmmm sorry susan about your mom. that had to hurt. have you thought about it? my sister in-law offerd to do it.it took me by surprise. i will be glad when it is a knew day. this one just seems to long. becky

caz1 · Post by **caz1** » Sat Sep 06, 2003 5:27 pm

Hi there Lorraine - longtime no speak I have just gone back to work and actually it has been better than I thought altho I DREADED it the night before! It does take you mind of things and makes you feel a bit as if you have another function in life! I so know what you mean about even those who are closest to you not always understanding what is going on in our heads! Even my dh has his moments of TOTAL bewilderment when I just burst into tears after hearing ANOTHER of my friends is pg! Work has been ok EXCEPT for teh fact that one of my team mates is 4 month pg thru IVF and has asked for the rest of her preganancy off (having had the first 4 months off already, fully paid!)-she wants to be paid and and with an annual bonus at the end this year , O and then she wants her maternity leave!! AND they are giving it to her!! Which means twice as much work for me! UNBELIEVABLE. But most annoying is that She has done NOTHING but moan about how difficult the last few weeks have been for her , gosh....I wish I had her problems! I have to say I have come v close to decking her! Some people are just incredible. Anyway - enough ranting Speak soon lorraine and all - havea great hols cazx

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Sat Sep 06, 2003 5:39 pm

Hi Lorraine Really glad to hear from you as had been thinking of you and hoping you would come back on in your own time. I know how tricky it with nephews and neices. I have two nephews they live in Ireland so don't see them that much. We are going over to see them next week and was buying them some things to take with us today. It is so hard, at the same time I am so very glad to have them in my life. Never thought I would feel such a bond, but I do. As for Mothers's ...I adore mine and she is brilliant in every way but like yours I think she just really get's upset to see me in pain and the things she says just come out wrongly sometimes. I can cope with her really but it is with my Mother -in- law that I really can't hack at times!!! She can be completely insensitve and has really, really upset me at times. Then there is my sister who has the two boys, we are very close and she is my closest ally,she has been so good and understanding. Sometimes I am so jealous of her though, and then that makes me feel guilty and it just goes on and on..... I am really pleased that you are getting out and about again though. It does take time, you are doing really well. I am sure you and dh will have a lovely time in Scotland it is just so relaxing up there. As I said we are off to Ireland for a few days and then I am going ahead with another cycle. Have a lovely, lovely time and hope to "speak" again soon. Love Gracexxx

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Sat Sep 06, 2003 8:21 pm

caz , the doc said that i had alot of damage, he said that they could take a skin graff and sow me up and then do ivf, but it didnt sound like there was much of a chance. alot of stuff had happenend when i was just a little girl. with the money for the surgery and then trying to come up with the monet for ivf and then the huge risk of losing another child. will take one day at a time..

caz1 · Post by **caz1** » Sun Sep 07, 2003 4:38 pm

totally right becky - I cant imagine how awful it must be for you - you must be an INCREDIBLE person. Let us know whatever you decide to do or not do next. At some point for all of us I guess there comes a point when we have to move on. I was saying to my hubbie this morning that maybe after the next ICSI - if it fails - we should take a year out and just TY to see what it feels like to PRETEND we dont want children when people ask us.....maybe if you say it enough times you start believing it? Dunno. Take care all Cazxx

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Sun Sep 07, 2003 10:11 pm

caz you be careful playing mind games with yourself. i know that i couldnt love my own infant any more then i love all of the boys that we have in our life now.. i think the big part of wanting an infant is that they will always be ours. we would be the only parents. it always hurts when one of the children turn 18 or graduate from highschool and they want to go see there birth parents. there are many other reasons to but i think that that is the big one.

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