It happened tonight...

[CT_Michele]

Yup, I knew it was coming eventually. One of my sister-in-laws is pregnant with their 2nd.

I had my little Ella almost 4 years ago now. After having her, we started trying for number 2, failed a bunch of times. During the past 3 years, all 3 of my sister-in-laws got pregnant with and had their first childs whom are all about one now. During one of the failed cycles, one of the baby showers was held on the day I was supposed to transfer my embabies, but we didn't make it that far. Instead on that day, I was excluded from pictures while my 3 pregnant sisters filled the room with their glow.

A few months ago dh and I made our 4th and final attempt at child #2. We failed, no more sperm for us.

I am super happy for my brother and his wife, and my beautiful niece who will be a great big sister...but I am sad too. I didn't think when this call came I would cry when I hung up the phone. But I did. I guess this is just the official call reminding me that we are going to be left behind, I will not be part of the "2nd child" club with all my siblings.

And you may be thinking, well at least you have one. It's true, I am super blessed and lucky to have one. But I can't help but wish my Ella could experience the love of a sibling...but it's not in the cards for us.

Please know that I really, really am happy for them. I am finding it so hard to explain how I feel because I feel so sad inside but know I shouldn't be sad. It is a very strange feelings that I know only my friends here on these boards will understand. i feel like I can't even tell my mom how I feel. I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want to take away any happiness or thunder away from my brother and his wife.

I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

[blueeyedreamer]

You are perfectly fine to feel sad. I think we have all felt sad knowing that someone else gets to enjoy what we so desperately want. It says a lot that you care enough about your family to support them and protect their happiness.

Venting is what this group is for. We understand and there is no room for guilty feelings here

[Sunshine1576]

Michelle,
You can always vent to us. We understand the emotions you are going through. Even if dh and I had one child we still would desire to give him or her a sibbling. Often enough I talk about adoption, knowing that I would be so lucky to have one and could never guarantee the second child. Come to think about it I cannot be guaranteed anything. I don't mean to sound discouraging but at some point we must decide to make the best out of any given situation and move forward. Otherwise we just make ourselves sick and miserable. It's when we compare ourselves to sibblings/coworkers and friends that we get depressed. I get so tired comparing us to everyone else it's unhealthy, it only makes us unhappy. I've learned to count my blessings that I have a wonderful husband, two furbabies and a supportive family of friends. Life isn't over, we must learn to grieve and bear it and reflect on everything we have. I know I don't have the best advice but we either have to do something about it or accept things the way they are. I understand the finanical burden that it so ridicously expensive, who knows how we'll scape together more money for another cycle but exploring it will provide us some answers... Some days are much easier then others but overall we have to decide if we're going to let this fertility crap take over our life, because ultimately each one of us deserves to be happy. Sometimes it's not about what happens, but how we react back to it. I wish you the best and you hold precious Ella so tight, I know you are the best mommy in the world to her.
Christy

[leorira11]

Michele - first of all - come visit whenever!

We are also struggling to come to terms with the fact that we'll be lucky to have ONE child. We both always pictured a big family - at least 3 kids. Now - one will be a miracle - and two is probably never going to happen. It's so hard, because I've been pregnant with twins, so 2 children has come so close for us.

It's really hard. I know people probably say "you should be lucky you have Ella" and I know you are, but the IF hurts so bad when you know you can't have any more. Yes, you are lucky to have Ella, but it still hurts that you can't have any siblings for her.

(I know you guys were thinking about donor embryos, whatever happened with that?)

Big big big big hugs....

Currently, none of my siblings or my husband's siblings have kids (I'm the oldest, so my siblings are all still in college), but DH's only brother is getting married this summer. He is 32 and I can't imagine they'll wait very long. It'll kill me if they bring home a baby first... I know that's unfair, and I wouldn't wish our situation on anyone, but the idea makes me so angry.

Just know that lots of us feel the same way as you and you aren't alone.

[to_have_fun08]

Sorry Michelle.. I always dreaded when someone popped up saying they were preggo. I still have that feeling now even after having Jake. Do you think your hubby will ever go the route of DS? In my situation, DH was against doing DE for a long time. I am glad he finally came to his senses. In my heart i really don't know what i would have done if he never agreed to at least try.

[dogzrule]

We all love you Michele, and Leorira said it perfectly. You have every right to feel sad, and we are here to love you and hug you and listen to you vent as much as you need.

[CT_Michele]

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I know I can always come here to vent and that everyone will understand what I am feeling.

After I got off the phone and waited a few minutes so I wasn't a mess, I couldn't even look at dh, but I said, "I am happy for them, but...it's hard." (All choked up). His response was, "I know." That's all he could really say. A small part of me hoped that he would be feeling the same and maybe just maybe that feeling would make him say, "let's use donor sperm," but I don't ever think he will say that. And I can't dwell on it or push it because if I do I will ruin my marriage in the long run. My marriage that is already so damaged from years of IVF treatments. We are best friends and love each other very much, but ivf has definitely taken its toll.

I hear all the time from people, "You are lucky to have Ella," or "You never know, it could happen when you least expect...I had a friend who gave up and then they just became pregnant," or "god has a reason for everything." I know people just don't know what to say and they are trying to make me feel better but it usually just makes me mad at how naive they are and how they have no idea what they are talking about. No moron, it will NEVER 'just happen' for us b/c we have no sperm and its medically impossible, and I just can't think of any reason why my god would deny me sharing all the love I have to give with another child, makes no sense.

And none of this stuff use to bother me. I never ever felt sad or mad or jealous of anyone getting pregnant. I never had a problem with going to baby showers, or even helping plan them. But after our December failure, things changed. I cried so hard for that failure(took days off from work), because I knew our journey was over. Before, I always knew we still had hope or a chance, but no more. The finality of the situation was just too much to cope with and still is. A month after came the first facebook ultrasound picture announcement and for the first time ever, I cringed. And now the call from my brother. Never did I think I would feel sad after hearing such happy news. I have two sister-in-laws and a step sister and all of their first children are about 1. It was only a matter of time until one of them announced pregnancy number two, and it will not be long until another one is pregnant again. I imagine I will go through this a bunch of times before everyone is done getting preggers, I just hope this gets easier each time.

Thanks again for "listening," it is so appreciated! I love all you ladies!

[SueQiwi]

Hi Michelle~
First--off thank you for your great advice you left for me. I can totally relate to how you are feeling too. Please do not beat your self up for your reaction to the pregnancy news. It is totally normal after trying so hard for your dream and then feel envy when it comes so easy for somebody else. And even though it is your sister-in-law who you love and want the best for--you still want your baby too!

I never dreamed I would long for a second baby so badly. I used to get annoyed at women on the boards wanting a second child when I was so desperately trying for a first. oh man--I "get it" now. I think its because now that we have that baby and are Mums, we know what we are missing and want to feel it all over again.

But I never want to waste away my girl's young life trying for something that is not going to happen. You are right--we need to cherish the ones we are so lucky to have!